Now

In all fairness Five wasn't really sure what he was doing. He could blame it on many things. He could start with the fact that he time travelled in the first place living alone in a wasteland for over four decades. He could then continue to blame it on the fact that his sole companion there was a mannequin and as much as he loved and cherish her she wasn't human. He could blame it on the fact that he got hired by an organization who stripped him of every last bit of humanity he had possibly left. He could blame it on the fact that was going through puberty and hormones all over again with his own body embarrassing his 58 and now 62 year old mind. If he really wanted to blame something he could go back to the absolute beginning and blame it all on the fact that she was his first crush. The first girl who ever made his heartbeat skyrocket and stomach to do strange flips with her soft brown eyes on his or her tiny smiles which she only ever offered him to witness? He could blame it on the fact that she was in his arms now looking so worried and upset, and he wanted nothing more than to smooth those worries away. He might as well blame it on the fact that they were both wet and she was only in the swimming suit with her chest against his making him very aware that she was completely nude under it.

Oh, and let's not forget, he absolutely blame all of it on himself, but why the fuck was he just doing that? He had zero clue.

Still here he was holding her close pushing his hands into her soaked hair while his lips clumsily and enthusiastically moved against her tasting her and giving into every urge he had since he first allowed his mind to accept the fact that he wanted her like this. Not like a friend, or a companion, but as a woman.

The kiss wasn't sweet, but then again he always found the stupid romance books he sometimes notice Vanya and Allison reading when they were younger to be false about that. How could all of which he felt for her all the need, lust, longing and passion be expressed through a sweet kiss?

No, it couldn't. It had to be rough almost bruising and demanding with how he was pulling her as close as possible while pushing himself against her lips making sure there was no room left between them, no room for doubts about what he wanted, no room for air, no room for anything but them pressed like this together.

When he felt her kiss him back, he felt his head spun with joy almost breaking the kiss with the need to smile, but he pushed it down. The kiss felt too good to end so soon. Way to good.

Unfortunately, all kisses must end as he broke this one to let them both breath while still holding her.

She was breathing hard.

He patiently waited for her to open her eyes to look at him. She looked stunned and shocked. He didn't blame her at all. He wasn't planning to kiss her today. He wanted to spent the day with her, have a good time, but when she looked so worried and upset and then she looked up at him and he caught the moment she felt something for him, that he was making her feel something he just acted.

Vanya watched him speechless for a moment before something else flashed behind her doe eyes which made his blood run cold. It was fear and doubt, he recognized them instantly.

She pushed at his chest and quickly swam back to the land.

He didn't run after her, he just let her go. He already did too much by kissing her, he owned her some time to cope now.

Four years ago

Five watched in horror as Vanya was desperately banging on the small window. He came back from dropping of Dolores early and found the secret door to downstairs open. He was confused and went to investigate immediately catching all his brothers standing around what appeared to be a large safe until he saw her.

'What the fuck?' he snapped before he teleported toward his brothers almost to the metallic door which was holding her inside the room when Luther literally grabbed him by the back of his jacket and lifted him like a little kid into the air.

'Get off me!' he wrestled out of his hold finally while shooting daggers at him.

'The hell is this? What are you doing to her?' he demanded losing every bit of calmness and self-reservation.

'Five, it was her,' said Luther looking at his brother with hard look, 'She slit Allison's throat.'

Five shook his head confused, 'What do you mean it was her? Have you gone crazy?'

'It's true. She...she has powers, Five. Pogo told me,' he said looking a bit remorseful as Five slowly looked over at crying and panicked Vanya who was still banging on the small window pointing at herself. He couldn't hear her, but it was obvious what she could have been saying.

Luther processed to explain what Pogo told him about the woman, but his eyes never left hers. Eventually she stopped jumping and screaming and just cried looking at him. She pressed her hand against the glass and shook her head at him. It was breaking his heart seeing her like this. As he partly listened to Luther's speech his mind was making connections about everything he knew, about the apocalypse, his family, their childhood.

Because you're ordinary.

Sorry I left without a goodbye.

'She has to stay contained. She could hurt us, or kill us. She already tried with Allison. God knows-'

'Where are her pills?' asked Five still looking at her. He understood it all now. Vanya caused the apocalypse. He must have gone crazy, but he felt like laughing. Of course. Of course, she caused the apocalypse because life was just fucked up, and it all made sense that out of all the people, the person he wanted to protect the most, his most trusted confidant growing up, his best friend and first crush would have been the one who would cause all of this. Of bloody course. The Commission must have been rolling on their asses laughing right now.

How to make Number Five's life a living hell even more?

Let's make Vanya cause the apocalypse.

'What?' asked Klaus confused and Five looked at him, 'I asked where are her pills.'

'The hell do you need her pills for?' asked Diego, and he rolled his eyes, 'Never mind.'

'Hey, you can't go in there,' said Luther already trying to get to him as he must have guessed what he was planning to do.

'Watch me,' was all Five gave him before he was on the other side of the metallic door. He was right Vanya wasn't screaming anymore. She just slowly turned around and started to cry again, 'F-five. I-I didn't...I didn't...'

He took a step closer and she immediately fell against him burring her face into his shoulder soaking the fabric of his uniform with her heavy tears and crying.

She was so fragile in that moment, so not in control. He understood it all now. He knew how to stop the apocalypse now. Once and for all.

He very carefully put his arms around her hoping she didn't feel how awkward he felt doing so. He couldn't remember the last time he ever hugged someone if ever.

'I know. I know you didn't mean to. It will be fine. I will fix it,' he whispered against her hair while looking at the disapproving look on Luther's face behind the glass.

'I'll help you. I promise, it will be all good now,' he said not sure if he believed it, but like hell he was letting her all alone in this cold cage.

Now

Five looked at his bedroom door. It had been hours but he finally heard her come out of her room and go to the kitchen.

He sighed and brushed his eyes feeling relieved.

The moment she pushed him away and got out of the water, she rushed to put on her clothes and locked herself in her room.

He decided to give her space, not say anything or force anything on her just give her all the time she needed to process it all, but with the hours passing by he grew worried she would spiral. She hadn't come out, not to take a shower, not to use the bathroom, not to eat, and he was worried as hell.

He wanted nothing more than to go talk to her, but instead he forced himself to look at the book in his hands. He couldn't concentrate, and it took everything inside him not to throw it across the room storm out and demand that they talk.

Naturally, he didn't, but he was very close and he wanted to.

He knew she needed time and space. He owned her that much.

After another failed minute he closed the book and sat it down on the nightstand before he threw himself against his bed.

He was such an idiot. Could he be any more stupid? Could he?

He brushed his face in frustration. This was in no way how he wanted things to go. In fact until his lips were against hers he wasn't sure he wanted things to go anywhere. He just...lost it.

He would be lying to himself if he couldn't admit that he had been thinking about it, about her for a while now. It came with going through puberty again, but it was so much more than that.

She was Vanya. Just...his Vanya. They were all alone, inside a cabin for four years now, and they were close just as they used to be always talking and sharing everything. It felt like he got his best friend back and with that the feelings started to slowly resurface again.

He felt like pulling his hair out from the frustration. He didn't mean for it to happen. He knew developing feelings or re-developing feelings would be tricky. She was ready and neither was he, but fucking hell it felt good to be with her. When they were together alone like this even if he had to be on his toes while training her, it just felt so good to have her back. Then before he knew it he was hooked. It just happened so easy. He didn't even know.

Here he was minding his business while she finished her house of cards on the kitchen table one day about seven months ago, about one hundred and fifty-nine days ago (but who was counting?) while he was reading a book. It was cold outside, the last snow had just melted, but it was still cold and gloomy so they stayed in. He casually looked over at her little house noticing the way she bit her lower lip twisting it a bit with the way she was keeping it under her teeth. It made her lips look redder for some reason. He wanted to ask her if it didn't hurt her, but before he realized it he imagined what would she do if he took her by the waist brought her closer and bit that lower lip himself. The intense imagine startled him so much he knocked over the glass of water he had next to him causing Vanya to ruin her house.

It was the first time he realized his feelings weren't platonic anymore or just natural sexual fantasies of his young adult body. He wanted her, he really wanted Vanya.

It surprised him to say the least. Don't get him wrong, Vanya was one of the most amazing people he knew. He respected her probably more than he ever did anyone in his life actively trying to be nicer toward her than any other of his family member. He also developed a crush on her in his childhood because of how kind she was, and she listened to him. She wasn't annoying the way his other ego-busted siblings were. She was his confidant and best friend, so of course he developed a crush on her.

It still caught him off guard. Not that it was her as much as the fact that he managed to fall in love in with anyone to begin with. Even as he could feel how young and fresh his body was, he still felt old, too old at times. It annoyed him to no end when the cashier girl was making eyes at him and how Vanya was teasing him about it even before he realized what he felt for her. It was the simple fact that he thought the idea of some child to fancy him repulsive. He knew his body was young. He couldn't escape the painful reminders every time someone mistaken him for Vanya's son. It made his blood boil at least now he knew why.

Either way, the simple fact that he fell for anyone was bizarre and for several months he couldn't understand how it happened. Even with Vanya in control now and her powers at bay as much as possible, he thought of himself to be too broken to actually...fall in love.

He loved Dolores. Sweet, caring and strong Dolores who was by his side through decades when it was just the two of them, but even with her it was different. Loving Dolores was sweet almost like a first love of a child. There was caring and adoration, and at times it was almost like it was just a dream. Something good in the world of madness and pain he lived in, something to keep him sane and going. He would forever be grateful for having her there, but with his time back in the real world, he feared that what he had with her could only work because it was just the two of them. The only souls left in wasteland.

When he realized it was Vanya who caused the apocalypse, and he took her away working on helping her learn to control her powers he was struggling to adapt back to the world where he wasn't starving or cold or alone, but he managed. Even if Vanya viewed him being young again as a second chance, he didn't. He wasn't young mentally. He couldn't picture himself or want to for that matter around people his physical age. In his mind even if his body didn't look it, he was old, a grandpa as Vanya joked a couple of times, and as such he didn't think he would ever fell in love, even more fell as hard as he had for Vanya. Where with Dolores everything was sweet and tender with Vanya it felt raw and alive. And he wanted all of it. With Dolores he could accept it to be all about just the fact of loving someone, but with Vanya, he craved for more, so much more.

It made him think the wildest things about what he would do with her, and what he wanted to do to her, and what he wanted her to would do to him and not all of those things were sexual or even included touches of any kind at all. He wanted to experience all of it with her, all there was about falling in love and loving someone and being with that someone. He wanted to know all of and live through all of it. She spoke about a second chance in life, so he wanted a second chance in love as well...with her.

He heard Vanya's bedroom door close again, and felt his stomach twist. She just needed time. She would come out and talk to him...

She had to, otherwise, he didn't know what he would do if he lost her...

Four Years Ago

It happened the next week as well. He woke up all sweaty feeling like he couldn't breath. Like the clothes were too...just too much for him. Everything was too much for him. He smelled fire and tasted ash and heard nothing, and he couldn't breath. Last time he had to eat. He had this urge that if he didn't he would starve later so he had to go and eat until he made himself sick. Tonight there was a different urge.

Before he knew what he was doing he stripped down to his boxers. He didn't feel so warm, so restricted. It helped a little bit, but it wasn't enough not at all actually.

He felt like he was doing to suffocate now as he got to his knees trying to remember how to breath.

He needed to get out.

Now.

Just out!

He jumped to Vanya's room remembering what she told him last time. She was asleep in her bed calmly breathing finally not stressed or scared as she usually was.

He got to her bed on all four like a dog making so much noise he was shocked later he didn't wake her up, but the moment he saw her calm face as his eyes adjusted to the dark of her room, he stopped.

She looked so peaceful. Finally the stress of the past few weeks, her powers, abandonment of their family, what she did to Allison and the fucker who manipulated her proved to be too much for her and let her rest in peace in a soft bed.

Before he knew it he realized his own breathing was back to normal. Knowing she was alright, safe, and here, knowing she didn't killed the world was enough to calm him down.

He sat down on the floor pushing his fingers into his hair.

Fucking great.

A week here and he turned into what? An emotional mess of a man with PTSD or something?

When he was in the Commission he didn't have time to think or process all his feelings and memories from the wasteland. He had missions, tasks, assignment while he was trying to get home. Once he was home he had a few short lived episodes but they could be easily contained with some alcohol and the fact that he needed to stop the apocalypse. Now all he did day was try to train Vanya, which was proving to be extremely frustrating since he had no idea what he was doing or how to help her get a hold of such enormous and limitless power.

His hair was all sticky as he brushed it while keeping his eyes on her. Perhaps, he was wrong. So very wrong. His powers were different then hers, he never had his emotions suppressed the way she did. He was never betrayed the way she was by people she cared her for, her family with Allison and Luther in the lead, and the man she was dating.

His stomach turned and anger boiled inside him as he realized once again that while he was running around town the key to all of this was right where he left it when he once again left her behind for some psychopath to use her.

I should have been there. I should have figured it out sooner. I should have protected you.

He could make a list long as the road back home with all the things he should have done.

Five couldn't sleep alone after that, every time he woke up he was alone in the dark and everything was too damn quiet for him. In the wasteland there was nothing but silence.

As he soundlessly watched her for a moment, he made his choice and laid down on the floor next to her bed. Since it was the dead of the night he could hear her steady breathing calming his own nerves and lullabying him to sleep before he knew it.

He woke up earlier as he usually did a bit startled before he remembered last night. He checked to make sure Vanya was asleep before he jumped back to his room put on new clothes and went on with the day like nothing happened.

'Did you sleep well?' asked Vanya as she made him coffee. Since the first day that she made him finally a decent cup, he tasked her to do so every morning sometimes asking her for one several times a day.

He looked over at her, but she looked just as innocent as the question was. She didn't know anything.

'Good,' he admitted, 'real good.'

He looked at her waiting for her to call him out on what he did, but she just nodded her face a bit softer today less stressed than the day before.

'Me too. I think I finally got used to the new bed.'

He hummed in agreement watching her face. He thought a lot about how to proceed with her training and after last night decent sleep even if he was on the floor he had just the idea.

'Maybe we shouldn't focus on your powers so much at the moment,' he said as Vanya handed him the cup and he took it from her.

'How come?' she asked a bit confused.

'I was thinking that perhaps, we should focus more on your emotions and feelings and how to handle them like normal people do. Find balance in that before going to the whole powers thing,' he suggested, and Vanya chuckled, 'A Hargreeves and being good with emotions that would have been something.'

He smirked for a moment before he continued.

'It's worth the shot, and we have time to practise and perfect it. It's not like we have a set of rules to follow. It's all experimental anyway,' said Five.

Vanya looked like she thought about it for a second before she nodded, 'Alright. How do we start?'

'Talk to me?' suggested Five, 'When we were kids I always rambled for hours while you patiently sat by listening. Well, now it's my turn to listen. Just talk...'

She looked away with a small frown, 'I don't know if therapy would do me any good, and I don't know if I can...talk about any of it yet.'

'Then start with something simple. You don't have to mention anything of the recent events yet, maybe...maybe start with something good that happened. Anything really which made you feel good.'

'About my powers?' she asked looking a bit hopeful like she had something particular in mind.

He offered her and an enthusiastic nod, 'Sure. Was there something?'

She smiled a bit. It was the tiniest smile know to mankind, but it was there and it brightened up her sad eyes a little bit, 'I got first chair at work. I mean...Jenkins killed my main competition so I will never know if it was just me, but I got it from all the other people. It was after I stopped taking the pills, and it was like for the first time I actually felt the music more profoundly or something. The leader said it was stunning and good so...I guess when I focused on the music, my powers turned out pretty okay.'

He watched as she lightened up a bit revealing the girl she used to be a very long time ago. It was great that she spoke about something she loved. Her music was a comfortable subject for her which was good because it meant she could open up, something she probably hadn't done in a long time.

He enjoyed listening to her for a change. When he read her book over and over again he used to imagine her thirteen year old voice saying those words, until he got to meet her here. It felt good to hear her voice now and have a peak into her mind.

Now

The evening came, and he honestly didn't know what to do with himself. He felt trapped inside the room. He could go out on a walk if he wanted to since she was still locked up inside her own room, but he also couldn't. He couldn't move.

What if it would always be like this now?

He had hope she would accept him and his feelings but what if she wouldn't what if she didn't feel the same?

He sat up feeling cold sweat run down his back. What if he forced himself on her? She was a woman all alone with him here. She never tried to kiss him before so she might have just let him kiss her out of shock not because she actually wanted to.

He brushed the back of his neck feeling his heartbeat speed up.

No, that couldn't be right. He would never force himself on her. But he did kiss her, and she pushed him away and ran which meant she wasn't happy about it. He made her scare enough to ran.

He swallowed hard looking at his door. What if this was how it would always be from now on? What if she would stay in her room, and he in his. No more sharing, talking, or spending time together. All of that gone, because for a split second he couldn't control his fucking urges and attacked her like that.

Five felt the dreadful thoughts reminding him that he would be all alone again. Just him and the silence.

He felt hot all over. His clothes once again proved to be too uncomfortable. He took his shirt and pulled it off him throwing him to the ground. It was too hot.

He jumped to the bathroom and put on cold water before he stepped into the shower cursing as the water hit his body. It was like ice, but it wasn't enough. He still felt too hot.

His fist hit the shower wall as his mind screamed at the water to fucking cool him down, but nothing happened.

He couldn't breathe.

Before he knew it he felt someone's hand on his shoulder.

It was instinct really. No matter how many years he would spent as a civilian, he was still a highly trained operative and when he felt that small hand on his shoulders when he was in his most vulnerable state, he grabbed the wrist of the person and throw himself with that person to the ground realizing only in the last semi-second it was Vanya and rotating them so he felt on the ground and she on top of him.

If he wasn't so stressed out he would take pleasure in knowing he still got it.

His left hand stayed secured on her lower back as his right let go of her wrist took her head, 'H-hey, are you hurt?'

He felt very cell in his body frozen with anticipation waiting for her to tell him if she was alright.

Her eyes were wide open and panicked probably from how he attacked her now knocking the sense out of her and leaving her speechless apparently.

'Vanya?'

She blinked, 'No, I'm fine, you?'

She sat up, but put her hand against his chest, 'You were panting so loud and you screamed.'

He popped himself up a bit on his elbows looking at her. He didn't remember saying anything or screaming. He just needed to cool himself down.

Now he didn't feel so warm like before. Just nervous.

He looked away, 'I...I think I had a panic attack or something.'

She nodded and made slow circles into his bare chest, 'Are you alright now?'

He grabbed the hand on his chest and pressed it tightly against it, 'Now, I'm good.'

She opened her mouth to say something, but then her eyes looked revealed the doubts she must have been feeling, and she looked away.

'Five, about what...happened,' she closed her eyes. This was not good.

'I think we should just forget it and not...talk about it,' she forced her hand away from his and stood up offering him a hand to get up.

He didn't take it immediately getting on his feet, 'Why? Because you don't feel that way?'

He noted the shock that crossed her face, 'Feel what way?'

He frowned not following why did she looked so surprised before he realized it. His face immediately softened as he stepped closer, 'Vanya, you can't possibly think that kiss was just...a kiss. Just you and me being giving into a heat of the moment.'

He saw the realization of what he was saying cross her face as her cheeks heated up, 'Five, no. That's not...You can't.'

He barked out a laugh, 'Can't? The hell I can't. Can't what? Feel this way for you? Fall in lo-'

She jumped toward him and pressed her palm against his mouth stopping him from saying it out loud as if they weren't the only one who could hear it.

'Don't say that,' she said her eyes wide with fear.

He grabbed her wrist and pressed an open mouthed kiss against her palm.

She gasped and broke free again, 'Five...we can't.'

Vanya watched him for a moment and he could see all internal struggles all over her pale face.

'It wouldn't be right,' she said desperately, but like she was looking for an argument, but even to her it all felt like a weak one.

'We're adopted. Even if we're family, we're not blood related...we're not real siblings,' he told her, and she frowned, 'It's not just that. Five, we can't. It wouldn't be right. What would people say if they looked at us?'

'Looked at us?!' he snapped at her for what felt like the first time ever, 'Vanya, I don't care and stop patronizing me and as if I'm some child who doesn't know better. If anything I could be your father.'

'But it wouldn't look like that to anyone, and what about our family. That...that wouldn't be right,' she said and covered her face struggling with it all of it what he was saying, whatever was going on inside her mind.

It was the first time he noticed the rain outside. She was causing it with being so anxious about it all.

He grabbed her waist and pulled her closer to him.

'FIVE!'

'Tell me, don't you feel it too?' he asked and brought his left hand to her cheek, 'Don't you?'

He needed an answer. He needed to know or he would lose his mind if he didn't.

She kept on looking at him with such dread he felt almost bad for her, but he had to know.

He leaned closer to her, 'Vanya.'

Their foreheads pressed against one another, 'Tell me.'

She let out a shaky breath, 'I...I don't know.'

It wasn't a no.

He let his right hand move from her waist to brush her back slowly, 'But did you like it? When we kissed? Did you enjoy it?'

She closed her eyes her voice on the edge of breaking, 'You're such a jerk sometimes.'

He smirked, letting his fingers grab her hair a bit roughly as he growled, 'Vanya.'

'Yes,' she opened her eyes, 'Is that what to hear? Of course I enjoyed it. You were the first person who kissed me in four years, and I care for you and you're so freaking handsome it's annoying-'

He went to kiss her, but she covered his mouth once more.

He groaned annoyed.

'But it doesn't mean it's okay, or that I feel it anyway.'

He stepped away from her feeling his frustration melting into anger, 'Why? Because you think that this is just some game for me? That I just fall in love with whoever?'

He cursed, 'Fuck. Do you think that it's just us being here? That you feel what you feel because I was the first guy to show interest in your in four years?' he asked honestly not believing she could think so until he saw the hurt look behind her eyes. He over did it. Just like always.

'You know it happened to me before. You know that's exactly what happened to me before,' she said, and he knew she meant Jenkins and it made him feel sick to his stomach and angry entirely all over again but at himself that he wasn't there for her. That he left her unprotected for that weasel to do his thing. He felt angry that in her mind she was comparing him with that piece of shit.

He was left there standing in silence watching as she offered him a tight smile before she went outside of the bathroom and to the front door, 'I'm going for a walk. Don't follow me, please.'

The door closed as noiseless as possible, but he would prefer if she smashed it shut. That way his ears would hurt at least instead of his heart, and at least he would feel better knowing she got back at him somehow.

Five looked over at the door before he sat down on the edge of the tub and took buried his face info his palms trying to calm down somehow.

A.N: I don't know why but lately everything I write feels depressing or angsty as hell, and I'm not even in a bad mood or anything...

Anyway, thank you for the support and reading :) I am always happy to hear you like a story and what you think about it.