Disclaimer: Not mine ... probably a good thing too

Summary: The Banana Monster still doesn't have a name, the Doctor remains obtuse (or so the Master thinks) -- oh yeah and there's an intruder

The Master was relatively upset by what he had found in the last room of the corridor.

If relatively was a synonym for extremely, and upset actually meant angry.

Then yes, the Master was relatively upset by what he had found. He decided then and there if the being had survived this long in the backrooms he could remain in the backrooms... or die in the backrooms, the Master really didn't care. The Doctor would never have to know—

"I felt bad for you having to do all the work so Alonzo and I decided to come and help you!"

Foiled again!!!

"We are not calling it Alonzo!" The Master spat turning quickly and blocking the view of the door. This, perhaps, might have worked if he was not trying to hide someone that could talk and make sounds... and move around.

"Doctor! Hey!"

The Master winced. The Doctor blinked, the soon to be named voice giggled slightly.

"Master...?" The Doctor asked with uncertainly (Which would have been nice if it hadn't been cause by the current situation).

The Master decided to go to his happy place (the Earth burning as he snogged the Doctor in front of the Freak while Martha Jones and a number of other of the Doctor's female companions were thrown into a volcano... their mouths duct taped shut so he didn't have to hear their annoying screams)

"Master..." The Doctor repeated, no more stern, "Who are you blocking?"

The Blond head popped up over the Master's shoulder, and damn it why was the Master's regenerations always shorter than everyone else's?

The Doctor's mouth fell open, "No... NO!!" He cried happily, "No!"

"YES!!!" The Master shouted in mock cheerfulness (his happy place had been shattered).

"Why... how did you... how could you...?" The Doctor spluttered pointing at blondie.

"How could I what?"

"Be alive?" the Doctor said, "And in the Tardis... in MY Tardis, how are you alive and in my Tardis at exactly this moment?"

"What ARE you talking about Doc?" the Doctor looked slightly annoyed at the use of 'Doc,' but his happiness seemed to let that slide.

"I just can't believe it," The Doctor said shaking his head, "The Bachelor alive and well in my Tardis."

Now for a small bit of back story: The Master has another archenemy who is not the Doctor. Unlike the Doctor the Master doesn't actually LIKE or RESPECT this archenemy in ANY WAY (Nor is he remotely attracted to him). The Bachelor went to school with the Master and the Doctor. He was the idiot (in the Master's opinion) of their group which also included the Rani, and other notable renegades. The Master had taken it upon himself to make sure the Bachelor was never ever mentioned in connection with himself (and therefore their group) after they had all graduated, because, frankly, the Bachelor gave Time Lords a bad name (in the Master's opinion).

Archenemy might be too strong a word, but damn it! He HATED the Bachelor!

The only comfort the Master got was, in his musings, he missed the Doctor's ramblings about how he couldn't believe it and then explaining about the Time War and how he—

"--I had to end it," The Doctor said sadly, "I tried so—"

"He tried so hard to find another way, blah blah, sniff sniff, end of the story. Everyone's dead but us, so why the Void aren't you? Dead that is," the Master said glaring between the two of them. The Bachelor gave a drop dead gorgeous (or irritating depending on who you are) smile.

"Well I'm glad that I managed to a-VOID (ha ha) that," the Bachelor said, "Don't worry Doctor, I understand, you did what you had to," He said putting a hand on the Doctor's shoulder. The Master made an abrupt movement that ended the contact since the Bachelor had been reaching over him to reach the Doctor. The Bachelor ran a hand through his bleach blond hair sighing softly looking up, "I can't believe it, I missed the whole war."

Both the Master and the Doctor stared at him incredulously.

"What?" They gapped in unison. The Bachelor shrugged scratching his head.

"Yeah, well, you remember that huge party we all had? The one right before we were all going to get our assignments?" The Doctor nodded. The Master glared. The Bachelor was at a party with the Doctor. With HIS Doctor?

"Oh yes," The Doctor nodded mulling it over, "I remember... my, that seems like two life times ago..."

"It WAS Doctor," The Master pointed out.

"Oh...yes."

"What party?" the Master asked utterly irked. The Doctor didn't seem to notice the Master's frowny face.

"Oh well THAT party, I lost a few rooms after that party, and the Tardis got a bit tipsy herself... though now that I think about it she landed exactly where I wanted her to right after, right time and date and everything... if I hadn't had such a hangover I probably would have been more impressed really."

"Which proves that even YOU think your Tardis is a hunk of junk," The Master muttered. At his words a piece of ceiling promptly fell on his head in retaliation.

The Bachelor nodded, "Yeah, that's the one! Man, that was one great night!" (was the Master the only one that found American accents annoying?). The Doctor nodded slowly.

"Yes, but that still doesn't explain how you're here, right now... alive!"

"Well, yes it does really," The Bachelor said shrugging slightly, "The rooms you were missing, one kitchen, a bedroom and a bathroom, I've been stuck in there, the door to the corridor was gone! I don't know what is UP with your Tardis Doc, but dude, it was like she was ignoring me for the past few years... I don't even know how long I was in there..."

The Doctor and the Master blinked. The Doctor was frowning now.

"But... but I would have FELT you...all those years of being alone, thinking that everyone was dead and you were in my back room!?"

Though the Master would have usually found that information endlessly amusing, it wasn't amusing him in the slightest because it was the Bachelor. If it had been Romanadvoratrelundar it might have been funny, the Rani the Master would have been in giggles, but NO, it was the Bachelor.

The Bachelor shrugged, "Well... I slept an awful lot... and then I had a few bad hangovers... but man Doc, you think YOU were lonely."

"Well considering he thought his whole race was extinct and it was his fault... which it was..." the Master said coming (badly) to the Doctor's defence. The Doctor looked slightly guilty again.

"Whatever man, WHAT-EVER, you had a bunch of hot humans surrounding you as soon as the War ended if I know you (and I do), that isn't lonely, not by a long shot."

The Master had to admit that that was exactly what the Doctor had done, but then again, anyone could have guessed that from the Doctor's past behaviour.

"Well... there was a few..." the Doctor admitted looking slightly miffed, "But—"

"Hey, Doc," the Bachelor said shoving past the Master (crushing the chance the Master had of pushing him back into the Backrooms and locking the door) slinging his arm around the Doctor, "It's cool, you were lonely, humans are hot, they're similar to us," The Bachelor started grinning again with that irritating smile, "But they don't have NOTHING on us Time Lords. Am I right? You know I'm right, and may I say this new regeneration of yours is rather cute."

And thus the Master's head exploded...

...Or the Tardis dropped another bit of ceiling on his head. Whatever the case he was now lying on the floor.

"Ugh..."

"Master... Master are you alright?"

Mmm Doctor...

"Master get a hold of yourself."

"Oh, Doc, that reminds me, wasn't Kos like... Dead?"

---

Author's note: ... alright if you haven't already got the joke you get your Doctorate, before that your Masters and before that your Bachelors...

Yeah... I'm hilarious like that ... (sighs) this whole story was conceived out of a bad pun.