Chapter 2, in which Barty Crouch Jr. meets the Doctor and River, who bicker and eventually run off on a quest for food.

The man with ridiculous hair paused for a moment, just staring at Barty, before retracting his head back through the doors of the blue box and closing them.

"River!" Barty heard him yell, "This is bad. Stay where you are!"

He then heard a woman's voice, muffled through the doors, "What's bad, sweetie? Where are we?"

Barty continued to listen intently to their gibberish.

"We seem to have materialized right in front of me. When I was younger. And wearing a waistcoat!"

"Ooh, how much younger?"

"Just a regeneration ago."

"Ooh, I liked you then."

"You didn't know me then."

"No, you didn't know me. Come on, let's go! I want to see you!"

The doors began to open again but were closed abruptly, just giving Barty enough time to see a curly-haired blonde woman.

"River, no! I think this may have been my… Weird phase…"

Barty stood there in confusion as their conversation carried on. He drew his wand, prepared for the worst. If this was some sort of old magic and they intended to take back the Hogwarts Express with their stupid blue box, they were very much mistaken! Though, this strange blue box looked somewhat familiar. Like something in his dreams. Dreams of traveling to other worlds, fantastic dreams! But dreams mostly faded and forgotten.

"What was weird about your phase, Doctor?" the blonde woman asked.

"I… I'd been traveling alone for a while and everything seemed to be going wrong. So I thought I'd do less damage as a human and went all 'let's use that chameleon arch'. Again. Which, let me tell you, is never a good thing to do. First time I end up falling in love with a human-no offense- and then the second time… Well, the second time I became a serial murderer wizard."

"A serial. Murderer. Wizard. Well done."

"Shut up, River. We need to get out of here. If we stay here too long timelines will cross but not in a good way and we'll have created a paradox. In which we'll die."

"All right then. If you're so content with living."

Barty heard some sort of engines roaring for a moment and the blue box started to dematerialize, however, only a few moments later it was right there in front of him again, solid as ever.

"Gaaah!" Barty heard the same man's voice from inside, "She won't dematerialize! I don't know why! We'll just have to carry through this sequence of events. River! Can you pass me my sonic screwdriver? Let's go."

The man popped out of the blue box once more, closely followed by the blonde woman. "Hello," he said, "I'm the Doctor."

"And I'm River Song," said the blonde woman, "Lovely to, er, meet you."

Barty stood there flabbergasted.

"And you can put your wand away," said the Doctor, "We're not here with the intention of harming or killing or injuring you in any way. Nor do we plan to sabotage or kill the Dark Lord."

Barty looked around, deeply confused.

River eyed him, interested. "You never told us your name, mister."

"Um," said Barty Crouch Jr. "I'm Barty Crouch Jr."

"River," The Doctor moaned at her, "Stop flirting with another man."

"I'm only flirting with you" she whined back.

"But I was evil then!"

"But you were wearing a waistcoat-!"

"Excuse me!" Barty cut in, "What are you talking about? Who are you? What is that blue box? And why are you wearing a fez?"

"Sorry," said the Doctor, "We're just passing through. Though it seems our transportation has gotten a little stuck," he gestured to the blue box, "And fezzes are cool. Where are we anyway?"

"You're on the Hogwarts Express." Barty hissed, "And this was NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!" he shouted, catching both River and the Doctor by surprise.

"You know, the Dark Lord asked only this from me, to get the Hogwarts Express to Hogwarts so he and all the other Death Eaters could gain control of the school and every witch or wizard in it. And everything was GOING TO PLAN. So WHY is it that some idiot with a HAT just MATERIALIZES in front of me right before what would have been the greatest achievement of my life!"

"Sorry about that," said the Doctor, smiling, "But I'm afraid we're stuck here for a little while. Well, as long as it takes for the TARDIS to decide to cooperate again. So… if you don't mind us hanging about for a little while..? I'm feeling a bit hungry. River? Let's see what food they have here."

And with that, the man who calls himself the Doctor and the woman named River Song proceeded to wander down the carriages of the Hogwarts Express. Barty Crouch Jr. did not know what the hell was going on.

I swear, things will start to make a bit more sense... Well, sense for a crack!fic. Please read & review, and thank you for reading! :D