A/N: So uhm... Yeah. Here's the second part, or the first real chapter.

Notes: I actually don't know whether it's Pein or Pain. But for pronunciation purposes, I write it as "PAIN". Thank you, Razzberyfigs for inadvertently reminding me to say this!

Also... Overall, the characters might be a bit OC, but I guess they would have to be... since this has Christmas in it... so it's pretty much all screwed up anyway! And I'm just trying to have fun. This fic is supposed to just be crack, so stick with me, okies?

Oh, and Hidan and Kakuzu are still alive. :3

-----

Part Two: Getting to Know You – Queen(s) of the Akatsuki

--

"Pain!" a sharp, cold voice rang throughout the room and I couldn't tell whether it was addressing me or simply shouting the word for the sake of it. I sat up almost immediately. Almost. But -almost- doesn't cut it in the Akatsuki, apparently.

The painful ringing of the feminine voice of my partner, Konan had barely faded when I received a quick blow to my head. "WHAT THE FUCK!?" I shouted, involuntarily. My outburst was met with yet another smack.

"Be quiet, sir." The blue-haired woman snapped as she yanked me out of my bed. Sometimes I fancied her as a cattle herder (you know... a sort of "what she would have done if i hadn't found her first" thing... you know? Yes, I know I said "You know" twice. Geez.), but then I'd realized that I would be the cattle she would have to herd and I didn't really like that idea. Not that she doesn't turn my crank or anything (because she does, ooooh boy), but I don't sway the beastie way.

So anyway, I pulled myself off of the ground where Konan had so unceremoniously plopped me and brushed myself off. "Y'ever heard of tact, my little paper doll?" I cooed, oozing false sincerity. In her usual way, she looked at me, her face seemingly devoid of all emotion and said, "No, sir, I leave all matters of sensitivities to you." Now to any other person, that would've seemed like a terribly drone-like thing to say. But nobody knew Konan as well as I did. She was smiling, deep down, grinning like a Cheshire Cat (whatever that is), but she knew just as well as I did that no where in the Akatsuki HQ was safe, so she kept that blank face on. If i was the King of the Akatsuki, Konan was my Queen. She knew my every move, every thought, every maniacal idea that popped into my head, and I knew hers.

After I'd dressed, stuck all of my piercings in their rightful holes (I'll be damned if i sleep in those things!) and made my bed, all under Konan's watchful, heavy lidded eyes, we descended into the chaos that dwelled underneath the peace of our bedroom. And holy fucking shit, was it chaotic!

Apparently, the Christmas decorations had come so Tobi had launched himself at them like a kitten at a ball of string. There was tinsel and pine shit everywhere! Amidst the disaster, Deidara and Kakuzu had begun to actually put some of the decorations on the walls. As I later learned, Itachi had begun helping them but had fallen of a ladder, squished a rabbit (I don't know where the rabbit came from) and knocked over a lamp, which broke over Zetsu's head, so he was excluded from all of the "fun".

"Hello, my children!" I called as I stepped onto the floor and the heads of my minions turned towards me. "How goes the preparations?"

Deidara, unfortunately, was the first to speak. Good ol' artsy-fartsy Deidara, always good for a laugh. Not only does he look (and act) like a chick, he always has to say something. And when I say "always", I mean ALWAYS. When Sasori was with us (I told him not to fight the old woman!! Old people are tricksy! "Kill the kid and leave!" i said, but noooooo!), he would often chide Deidara for some stupid little artist thing (I never really payed attention) and Deidara would, I am not exaggerating, blow-up... or rather, make something else blow up. He would squeal like a little girl, shove his hands in his pockets and the next thing you know, BOOM!

This is why we need to find a new HQ every once and a while.

This is why the Christmas party ended up as badly as it did.

This is also why Deidara is the other "Queen" of the Akatsuki.

But then... does it not stand to reason that there would be another King?

-----

A/N: I hopez u lieks its, Goozapalicious:D

R/R please!!