Always & Again

by kayelem

Once she was a priestess in the service of the Pantheon. Once she was a liberated slave. Once she was a warrior – he had planted her tree in the Emerald Graves himself. And then, she was lost and silent, and he finally slept. Love knows no boundaries, least of all does it bend to the trappings of time, but each time he loved her, he had always watched her die. [Told in vignettes]

2. II

Always & Again

II

It was too much for Solas to hope that he wouldn't gain her attentions, but Lavellan was frustratingly determined. Whether she was truly his lost beloved or not, something still drew her to him. But he was just as determined as she, but while she desired to be closer, he kept his distance. He would not be her downfall once again as he always had been. Solas didn't think he had it in him to hold her in his arms as she breathed her last yet again.

But still, Solas relished each time Lavellan sought him out and spoke to him of his journeys in the Fade, and he regaled her with his stories – ones that he had quietly hoped would sound familiar to her because long ago, longer now than he cared to admit, she had been his companion for many of them. He told himself that it was enough that Lavellan chose his company time and again, that she asked him to accompany her to pick herbs, or sat quietly beside him and read while he meditated.

When he had asked why she so often sought him out, Lavellan had shrugged and replied, "I'm not sure, really. But, your presence is calming, it quiets my mind while everything around us is in chaos. You feel… familiar to me, when I talk to you it feels less like I'm actually getting to know you and more like… I am remembering who you are."

Solas thought his heart might have stopped when she'd said that because how could she have possibly understood how true it was? How could he have explained to Lavellan why she felt that way? That not only was he familiar to her, but in another time, a different existence she had loved him more than anyone ever had.

Part of her still slept though, that hidden, dormant part of her that remembered him. But it was waking, slowly and surely, dripping from the cracks and waking Lavellan to everything her soul had forgotten. She would not be able to contain it forever, eventually the foundation would shatter, the tidal wave would be too much, and Solas would recognize the person looking back at him once again.

He tried not to want it as fiercely as he did. If Lavellan didn't remember him, then he could protect her better, there was still parts of himself that he could keep distant. But if she did remember him, Solas knew that he would come back to her as surely as the ocean came back to the shore. He was homesick for the feeling of her soul that made his chaos feel less like a hurricane.

In the back of his mind, there was a whispering, traitorous thought that told him it would never truly be enough, not when he had once known the feel of her lips against his, the rake of her nails along his shoulders, and the caress of her sighs in his ear. It would never be enough when she had given him a quiet stillness that felt like home, safe. But his desire for her was only dampened by his overwhelming determination to see her survive through this.

And then… their enemies came to Haven, to Lavellan. The Elder One had come to take her from him.