Authors note:
I've had a couple of reviewers asking me when this story is set. I would say that its somewhere between "47 seconds" and "Always".
From a Dark Place
Chapter 2
May
"Hey. Beckett!" Ryan's face broke into a broad grin. "Didn't realize you were back this week? How ya feeling?"
"Bored. Frustrated, anxious to work and just….. bored."
"I feel your pain.. When I broke my leg I was housebound for 7 weeks and I…."
"Detective Beckett. My office please." Gates's commanding voice echoed across the precinct, cutting him off.
"Oh." Was all Kate could say, getting to her feet.
"Good luck!" Ryan whispered to her sympathetically. He knew Beckett and Gates closed door meetings could become somewhat explosive.
"So…." Gates studied Beckett's personnel file intently. "Six weeks recuperation and you have been cleared for active duty…. Do you think six weeks is really enough?" Gates raised her eyebrows at Kate over her glasses.
"Yes Sir. I've passed my medicals and I just want to get back to it."
"What about the psych debriefing?"
"Sir?"
"Listen Kate. You were shot last year, almost died. Then you were suspended… now this. Are you really sure you are ready for this? You're one of my best detectives but I don't want you hurt again…"
"I'm ready Sir. I feel fine. I wanna be back here." Kate's reply was firm.
"Okay then. But take it easy. Neither of us want any more drama… You understand me?"
"Yes Sir."
"Good. Now where is that annoying sidekick of yours."
"Castle? I don't know. Haven't seen him lately."
"Well get him back in here to work with you. Make it a condition of your return to active duty…"
"Sir?" Kate was confused. "You want Castle back in the precinct? But..?"
"I don't want you doing anything stupid. You seem to act less rashly when he is around and whether you like it or not, he has your back."
"But Sir…I."
"Have you got some work to do Detective Beckett?" Gates closed Kate's file and glared at her across the desk. "Well.. If you want to be back here – get to it then." Gates looked pointedly toward her office door.
"Um. Yes Sir, I will Sir."
RKRKRKRKRK
"Beckett?"
"Hey Castle. I'm Uh.. I'm back at work today… I just started today I mean. I was wondering if you were interested… I mean you don't have to. But I would like you to.. I mean.." Kate stammered into the phone. In truth she was still feeling exceedingly guilty for shutting Castle out of her life again. After her attack she had felt so weak and pathetic and couldn't bear the thought of any of her friends seeing her like that. She detested the pitying looks in their eyes and the low voices. She hated to look weak. Appearing weak after being so severely violated was her worst fears combined.
"You want me to come back?" Castle sounded surprisingly enthusiastic. "Of course Beckett. I'm your partner remember? I'd love to come back."
"Great." Kate was genuinely relieved. "I'm at the office now. The boys are here too. I'm sure they'd love to see you."
RKRKRKRKRKRKRK
July
Kate sat at her desk gazing off into space across the precinct as Castle and Esposito bickered loudly over the murder board.
"You know if you were correct.. then our suspect would not have had time to get that far across town. Beckett and I drove there twice." Castle tapped on his wristwatch. "35 minutes each way. Beckett. BECKETT!"
Kate was completely unaware that someone was calling her name.
"Hey Beckett!." Ryan stepped from behind Kate and tapped her on the shoulder lightly. "Castle was…." But Ryan stopped. Kate had basically jumped off the desk and whirled to face him, immobilized and wide eyed with fear.
"What?"
"Hey. It's okay Beckett." Ryan moved to approach her again. "Castle was…"
"DON'T touch me." Kate stepped backwards, retreating into the desk. Ryan threw an appalled glance at Castle, unsure of how to proceed.
"Beckett?"
Kate stood with her back to the three of them, her shoulders shook and Castle could tell she was fighting to compose herself. She eventually turned to face him.
"Yeah Castle?"
"Are you okay..? You looked like you were miles away." Castle attempted a grin, trying to diffuse the situation by distracting her. "Somewhere else the lady would rather be?"
"Yes. Home asleep. Alone. " Kate picked up her jacket and handbag and stormed out of the precinct.
"What's up with her?" Ryan glanced at Castle curiously, as though he was the 'Beckett expert'.
"No idea… But she's definitely not been herself these days. You two must have seen it."
"She looks sick all the time, and tired. She almost bit my head off yesterday over nothing." Esposito shrugged at Ryan apologetically. "It's not just you bro. It's everyone."
"I'll go check on her later."
"Want backup?" Ryan grinned and offered Castle a bullet resistant vest.
RKRKRKRKRKRKRKRK
"Beckett?" Castle banged loudly on the door of her apartment. "Kate I know you're in there."
"Go away Castle. Leave me, please. I just want to be alone." It did not escape Castle's notice that Kate's words were slightly slurred and she sounded as though she had been crying.
"Beckett let me in or I'll use my key. Are you dressed?"
The door opened a crack and she peeked out at him.
"What key?"
Castle put his foot in the door so she could not close it.
"The one you're going to give me? Maybe?"
"Just go away Castle. I just want….."
"Please Kate. Can I come in, just for a minute? I just needed to make sure you were okay." Castle's expression was full of concern and she sighed, feeling guilty again, and stepped back from the door, allowing him access.
"Suit yourself then."
Castle followed her into the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him.
"Look Kate I…." Castle froze, taking in his surroundings. The once tidy apartment was now strewn empty bottles. Lots of empty bottles. There were bottles on the sink, the floor and piled next to the front door. Broken glass lay on the floor in the pantry and in the drain. Castle could not believe he had missed it for so long.
"Beckett what?" He gestured at his surroundings.
"Oh get over it Castle. I'm old enough."
"How much have you had tonight?"
"Apparently not enough." Kate goaded, picking up her glass. "Want some?"
Castle shook his head. "Don't do this to yourself Kate. You know better than this." His voice was caring, sincere and without judgment. Kate felt tears welling in her eyes and it made her angry. How could he just waltz in here and get under her skin like that. She was trying so hard not to be weak and yet just a few words from him could make her teary. Keeping up the daily façade was becoming tiring, no exhausting for her.
"Do what Castle? I'm fine! Get it? I'm FINE! I just needed to clear my head for a while."
"By clouding it with copious amounts of alcohol? C'mon Kate. You know as well as I do that it's not going to solve your problems… It won't help when…"
"For god's sake Castle. I don't have problems. I'm just….. fine!" Beckett's hand was trembling and she could feel the tears threatening to spill over. She was mad, furious even, and tired. She wanted Castle to leave, to get the hell out of her life and yet she wanted him to stay. Most of all, she hated him seeing her like this.
"Please leave Castle. Please… just get out!"
"And leave you here to drink yourself into a coma? You're not fine Kate. I can see it, anyone could see it. You're distracted at work, you avoid leaving the precinct whenever you can. You're exhausted and yet you never seem to be able to get any sleep. You hardly eat and you've lost so much weight." He shook his head at her sadly. "How are you really doing Kate? Look at yourself? How much weight have you lost?"
Kate stared at the carpet and Castle dared to take a step toward her, grasping her hand lightly. "What was that with Ryan this afternoon Kate? There was no reason to react that way? He was really upset."
"I know. I didn't mean it. I just… reacted." She shrugged and lifted her gaze, finally meeting Castle's eyes. "I'm sorry. I just needed to get out of there for a while. I'll apologize tomorrow." She bit her lip, "I didn't mean to upset anyone."
"I know Kate. It's okay." Castle grinned at her affectionately. "You need to lean on us sometimes you know? Let us help – everyone is here for you."
"I know."
Castle took another step forward, enveloping her in a loose bear hug. She stiffened, but did not pull away from his embrace.
"What's that smell?" He wrinkled his nose, perplexed. "You smell like….. disinfectant?"
Kate stepped back from him. "Oh I had a shower just before you arrived."
"In disinfectant…..? What the hell Kate? What are you doing to yourself?"
To be continued….