When All is Lost One is Found
Author: Rinoaebastel
Chapter 1: Realizing Reality
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice. Harry Potter is owned by JK Rowling.
AN: This story may contain scenes taken from the Harry Potter movies and books, but it's not exact dialogue, just rewording of dialogue or omission. It is not marked.
June 1976
He thought James Potter was a dyed in the wool git. Everyone in Slytherin would agree, but almost everyone in his house hated Gryffindor so that wouldn't be unusual. It wasn't outright said, but even some members of other houses felt Gryffindors were favored amongst the staff. They were the powerful, the popular, the good-looking, and seemingly always got everything they desired.
And they hated him. Since the day he stepped into Hogwarts, he was the smartest in his class. He was the one almost all of the teachers were happy to teach despite his Slytherin loyalty. But his skills and intelligence only created jealousy and envy from a certain group of students, and pain for himself brought forth by James Potter and his friends.
He looked down at the table as the food appeared in front of them. It was a banquet fit for kings, but he wasn't hungry. He couldn't tear his gaze away from Potter and Lily. She'd been the most important person to him. The person who accepted him and had shown some affection toward him.
Then he was hit with the reality that he was alone and always would be. Potter had Lily, and any semblance of a friendship they once had was gone.
He stood and grabbed his books. If he didn't get out of there he might do something that would lose points for his house.
He crossed the great hall and went down to the lake. He could sit there for hours, reading, correcting, studying potions and creating new spells. The prefect Malfoy and most of his housemates praised him for that. Slytherins might be like snakes, low to the ground and out of the way, but they were worth as much as anyone else. His feet guided him by instinct until he reached what he deemed his spot. He sat under the willow, closed his eyes and took a deep breath, relishing in the smell of the freshly cut grass.
He opened his book and started reading. Every so often he wrote in the margins to correct some measurements and improve the effects of ingredients. If he were to attain a position as a potions master, he had to be better than everyone else. If he gained more skill in something Lily was interested in, maybe it would open her eyes and show her that he wasn't bad because he was curious about the Dark Arts. Why wouldn't he be? They were practical and could keep egocentric men like Potter in line.
A bunch of laughs interrupted his thoughts. His lips pursed and he hid his face with his book, wishing it were possible to conceal his entire presence. He knew those laughs as if he'd created them himself. He had to remain calm and ignore them. If he did that, then maybe they'd ignore him. Severus leaned so close to his book that his nose brushed its pages. He took slow, deep breaths to calm himself. After years of humiliations, mockery, and the loss of everyone he dared to care about, he didn't want to deal with them if he could prevent it.
But he refused to be afraid of them. He was a Slytherin. He was proud, powerful, and intelligent. He could cope with this. Normally, he ignored the pesky pranks, but it didn't seem to dissuade the group. All he wanted was to be left alone, but that was clearly too much to desire.
"Look who's here," Potter said. "Snivellus, you still haven't washed your greasy hair? I thought we've been through this. You're good in potions, so why can't you make something to clean yourself with?"
He looked up at Potter through the curtains of his hair hanging over his face and narrowed his eyes. His hair was not greasy. His work around potions only made it appear that way. Not that anyone would come close enough to touch it to find out.
The gang led by Potter laughed. His body stiffened. Why him? He never said a word of hate toward any of them until he was attacked the first time. Even now he rarely said anything. He didn't want to be like those disrespectful idiots. So why did they never leave him be? Was it because he was silent? Because he loved Lily? Because his appearance was horrid?
When he saw a brown boot near his leg, his breath quickened and his stomach lurched. He dared to look up at the man he hated. He ruined everything. Always ruined everything.
"Come on, Snivellus. Snake got your tongue?" He tilted his head like a curious dog and his eyes were filled with mirth. Severus withheld the urge to correct him on the idiom.
Trying not to fall into his games, Severus stood, touching the tree with his hand for leverage. He had to get out of there. With no acknowledgement of Potter's presence, he moved away, trying to escape without confrontation. With each step, he struggled to control his loathing. They followed him. He could practically feel their steps on the grass behind him.
"Snivellus, you're a coward." He heard Sirius say and his blood boiled. Hypocritical mutt.
As if the dog had heard his thoughts, he cut in front of him. He was forced to look up for a second. He turned around and saw Potter with his wand in his hand. Severus showed his wand but, in a blink of an eye, he was wandless. He felt like an idiot for letting his guard down enough to be disarmed. He darted forward, trying to grab his wand, but failed.
He felt a jolt through his joints and muscles, making them useless in supporting his weight. He fell face first into the grass. As he lay there, taking in the scent he loved, instead of it calming his fear, it transformed it into rage.
"We just wanted to know how you did on the exam. There was no need to try and walk off. Well, now I guess you can slither off instead, but you wouldn't want to leave your wand would you?"
He tried to move his arms and hands to push himself up, but it was to no avail. After this, he would never be this weak again. Never.
"You have no right to ask me that. I'm going to make you pay for all this." His voice was muffled by the dirt getting in his mouth. He wanted to stop him with his power. He was smarter than Potter, he could do it. "Arrogant arsehole," he muttered.
"That's a very dirty thing to say, Snivellus. Since your mother never washed out your mouth, guess I'll have to." He pointed his wand at him.
Move. Come on. Move! He thought, panicking at his next words even though outwardly he had little reaction.
"Scourgify."
The curse reached his mouth before he could do anything. Soap and water filled his insides and a wave of nausea hit him, but he wouldn't give them the pleasure of watching him vomit. Even if he did have the opportunity to stain their freshly polished boots.
"Leave him alone, right now!"
He felt his chest constricting as he recognised the voice. No. She couldn't be here. She couldn't be a witness to this humiliation. He didn't want her to see him being this weak. This was the worst thing Potter could have done to him. What kind of man could he be for her if he was taking the actions of nothing more than a slimy worm trying to breathe in the dirt? He could never protect her.
"Why are you doing this to him?"
He doesn't need a reason.
"He deserves this because he exists. That's a good enough reason. . . Though, if you go out with me I might just leave him alone," Potter said.
I want him dead. How dare he try to use him as a bargaining chip to win a date with her?
Still trying to make his body react and fight off the spell, he let a small growl vibrate in his throat. It didn't go unnoticed by his attackers. Potter's attention and Sirius's smirk came back to him.
"Levicorpus," Potter said. He felt his body levitate as if someone tied a rope around his ankle and was lifting him by only that. His head hung a few feet from the ground, and the blood rushed to it, making him dizzy.
His robes covered his face and his shirt fell a bit, showing his stomach and ribs. Moments later, he slammed back onto the ground. His nose popped and a pain shot through it and his jaw. Then, he felt a warm wind where he shouldn't have and realized, to his mortification, why.
The complete humiliation was done. His own spell had been used against him, the one someone stole with a glance at his book. He heard people laughing and mocking his old grey underwear. He didn't dare look at Lily.
He heard her voice, again, pleading with them to stop picking on him. His anger fueled. He didn't need her help. He wanted her to leave.
He tried again to get up, but someone had petrified him.
"Stop this!" Lily said.
He managed to look at her and all of his repressed pain and anger returned. The look in her eyes said it all. Her pity hurt more than anything those bastards had done to him today. No, it wasn't hurt. He clinched his teeth a few seconds and then let the anger rush through his body and out of his mouth in the form of words. "I don't need you around. I don't want you near me you filthy mudblood."
He thought he might feel regret after seeing her reaction, but he felt nothing anymore except rage and hatred. She deserved this. She was friends with Potter and now out of reach. He was only the pitiful neighbor kid who was only good for helping her until she found better people.
But he was powerful. A half-blood prince.
He could endure this idiocy alone. He didn't need a woman's pity. He didn't need anyone's pity. He didn't want it.
"Fine, if you want to act like that. I thought you were different but I guess not. I'll let them wash the rest of you then. You probably do need it."
Shame crossed his face and he couldn't hide it under his long hair. He could only snarl as he heard the frantic demands for him to apologise from the stupid gang of torturers. Hypocrites. All of them. Lily included. She joined their mockery with no remorse. It was amazing how one could turn so quickly. He was an idiot for loving her.
But then she rejected Potter and left. He could barely make out her back as she disappeared out of sight. It was better this way. It was better she hate him. Anything was better than pity.
He was pathetic. Completely and utterly pathetic.
But he was not pitiable.
-/-/-
Severus remained in a fetal position until the last of the students got too bored or too tired to laugh at his expense. The marauders were long gone, or so he thought. Time tended to distort when one is getting mocked by so many. He took several deep breaths as he replayed what just happened. He was hurt and in the process he hurt Lily. Surely she'd realize he hadn't been thinking clearly.
But did that matter since he knew better? He called her a racist word stemming from the stupid ideological bullshit Malfoy and others were proud to talk about. He wasn't even pureblood. He couldn't be like them, so he wanted to prove he could be better.
Today he reached the supreme degradation. He'd almost been free to have his life, to be respected as a man. Potter stole it.
He dared to look up. The sun was setting on one of the worst days of his life. He inhaled, cringing when pain shot through his nose.
He summoned up the courage, and then with shaky arms, put his palms on the now wet grass and tried to push upward. He felt a hand on his shoulder and his body froze as if he was a victim of another spell. But he knew he wasn't this time.
"Severus. Don't worry mate. We will make them pay. You're one of us." Those words of acceptance relaxed him in an instant. That was the only thing he wanted. To be part of something. To become powerful, important, and respected.
"Avery," he managed to whisper, his throat hoarse. "They outnumbered me. I couldn't do anything." He forced his voice to remain calm and was proud he'd managed it.
"We know. It doesn't matter now, but they will not get away with what they've done. Don't worry, Malfoy will speak positively to the Dark Lord about you." Avery removed his hand from his shoulder. "Stand up, Severus. We know you're powerful. We know you can pass our tests with little effort."
He heard Avery's footsteps fade, leaving him alone to recover his dignity.
He waited a few moments, then mastered his weak body state and stood up with an elegancy he never thought he'd possess. Like a man whose presence made the world quiver. A man created through his years of life and completed today. He was on the first steps to freedom.
But first, he'd have to cut ties with the blood that disgusted him. He'd take the first step in becoming a strong man by making sure he never acted like his father.
And that meant he had to rectify a mistake he made. A mistake that degraded someone he cared about.
Then, with the help of a few of his fellow Slytherins, he would take further steps to become a man he could be proud to be.