I do not own twilight or any of the characters, I just like to play puppet with them.

Chapter Two

"Shaky Hands and Unsteady Emotions"

Bella's POV

I groaned as the alarm chimed next to my heavy head, I was alive another day. I sat up slowly pushing my rats nest of hair out of my face and let out a heavy sigh. Though most of my nights were full of nightmares and dreams that weren't possible, the day was my purgatory. Days were the hardest for me and most of the time I wished I could skip them and get to twilight, so I could be alone in my room once again. The feeling of another day came over me and it was very unpleasant, living shouldn't be so unbearable. I knotted my fingers in my hair and pulled hoping for the physical pain to dull the internal, it helped for a moment, but the internal pain was unavoidable.

The heavy weight that was forever on my heart pressed down making it hard to breath, it felt like a thousand pound weight was on my chest. This was much worse then having your heart torn out, this was having your heart crushed day in and day out. A small familiar tingling ran through my body the anxiety building, my hands began to shake and the tears began to fill the brims of my eyes. I will not cry, I chanted to myself willing the tears to go away. I held them back, but it didn't stop the anxiety and the itch from trying to take over my body. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms tightly around them rocking back and forth on my bed. I took deep shallow breaths until I had control of myself, then slowly got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. It was sad that this little scene was an everyday thing, but the worst part is that it used to be even worse. There was a time when I wasn't even able to get out of bed. There was a time when I couldn't control myself without assistance.

Today was Thanksgiving and I was determined to be as normal as possible, but I hadn't been normal in over four long years.

As the scolding hot water hit my skin it calmed me and my mind enough to think of something other then the pain. My mind wondered to the day before, the day I saw the most beautiful man in the world…..

It was just another day at my fathers garage, the garage he is adamant on me taking over someday. I was working on my racecar in hopes that when I finished it I would be able to get back into racing, but that is a story for another time. Anyway, I was working under my car and fucked some shit up, because my damn hands started shaking so bad. I cursed and kicked my car nearly breaking my toes, then I heard unfamiliar laughter. First my eyes landed on Emmett Cullen, I had meet him before, but it was the man next to him that stunned me. He had eyes of jade and bronzed hair - that looked like he had just fucked someone's brains out. That alone sent my eyes traveling over his body, he was wearing a tight white long sleeve button down shirt, with the top two buttons undone, underneath a tiny bit of ink was visible. I could see even covered by his shirt that he was well built and I wanted to see the muscles and ink bare in front of me. I stopped myself right there, because I had sworn men off long ago and I wouldn't allow another one into my life, not even for a moment of pleasure. I didn't deserve pleasure, I wasn't worthy, so I mumbled something and turned away stunned, embarrassed, and mad at myself.

I felt the panic running through my body, I shifted my weight around trying to keep from shaking. I felt cold as I was attacked by unpleasant and pleasant memories. There were a total of two men in my life and that was all I would ever have, because neither of them were anything more then family. I stared at my car - not really seeing it - trying to control the despondency and panic. Then as warm solid hands landed on my shoulders I started to calm, it didn't dissolve everything, but it helped me contain it all. My Jacob.

"Everything is fine, breath." Jacob whispered into my ear in encouragement. Jacob was many things to me; He was like a brother, best friend, and personal sun. He warmed my cold existence and he helped me get through purgatory a little more peacefully. "Go ahead and take your lunch." He suggested and I nodded in agreement. I hated leaving my tools out and my parts unfinished, but I needed a moment alone. I went into the locker room and pulled off my suit, I washed my face in ice cold water washing away the tears threatening to roll down my face and the smudged grease. I let my hair down to try and hid my face from everyone outside. I thought about staying in the locker room for my lunch to avoid 'him', but there was somewhere I needed to go.

I went through the motions of asking my father if he wanted anything, but wasn't aware of what he said. I only risked one glance at the beautiful man before I headed out into the cool air. My destination spot was only a ten minute drive from the garage, but it always seemed like an hour drive. This was a place I visited everyday no matter what…

I was dressed and ready by the time I finished reminiscing about the day before. I took a few deep breaths and stepped out of my room and made my way downstairs. I heard banging in the kitchen and quickened my pace. It could only be one of two people, my mother or my father, either one in the kitchen wasn't a good thing. My father couldn't cook an edible meal and my mother was very experimental, but not only that she was too fragile to be cooking.

"Mom, what are you doing?" I asked walking over and removing the glass pie pan from her shaky hands. Her hands shake for a totally different reason then mine.

"Well we can't go to our two Thanksgiving dinners empty handed." She stated in horror, always so overdramatic.

"I will fix something, you just sit and relax." I ordered looking over the ingredients on the counter, I could tell she was going to make a pie, but what kind. "What did you have in mind to make?"

"You know what I feel great and I just wanted to fix something for the people who are kind enough to invite us over for the holidays, everyone is always telling me to take it easy or doing everything for me. It is so annoying." I let her go on and on, knowing how she felt. Only people were mostly just watching me, watching and waiting.

"Mom we just love you, now what were you attempting to make?" I asked again.

"I was going to make a four in one pie." She sighed giving up and taking a seat at the table.

"What?" I asked chuckling with amusement, but only on the surface.

"Don't tease." She warned shaking a finger at me. "I was going to split the pie up into four sections, apple, blackberry, peach, and pumpkin."

"Mom, that sounds horrible." I said laughing, but it wasn't a happy laugh, it was a sad one. Everything was sad for me now days. As crazy as my mom was I knew that I would miss it when she was no longer here. Which I hoped wouldn't be for a long time, but the chances were slim.

"How about I make an apple pie for the Blacks and Gran's pineapple cake for the Cullen's." Something accrued to me in that moment, that the man with Emmett yesterday could of only been one person. Edward Cullen. The Cullen's youngest son whom was the only one I had not meet. He had the same perfect features and now that I thought about it, he had Esme's eyes. That means that he was home and I would be seeing him when we went over there tonight for Thanksgiving dinner. For some reason I felt anxious to see him again, but I squashed that shit real fast.

I let myself get absorbed in my work. I made the pie crust for the apple pie, then pilled the apples with the apple core. Those things were very handy, then I placed all the ingredients into the pan sticking it in the oven. Next was the pineapple cake, which I knew by heart, Gran had taught me to make it every summer when I stayed with her. She passed years ago, but the recipe was still fresh on my mind. I whipped up the angel food cake from scratch, then drained my pineapples really good, because we didn't want a volcano cake mix. Once it was all mixed together and placed in the greased rectangular pan I stuck it in the oven with the pie. I joined my mother at the table just as the phone started ringing, I started to go get back up to get it, but she reached back, leaning her chair back on only two legs and pulled it off the hook. Then smirked at me before speaking into the receiver, I rolled my eyes. Stubborn women.

I stopped listening to her gossip with one of her friends after a moment and did my best to find a certain numbness to get me through the day.

I sat next to Jacob in the Blacks small living room surrounded by people I had known my whole life. Billy Black, Jacob's father was my dads best friend. Jacob's mother had died when Jake and I were little. The Clearwater's were also good friends with my parents, Harry and my dad fished often, Sue and my mom shopped and gossiped, they had two kids Seth and Leah. Seth was a senior in high school and Leah was married to Paul, they had a baby on the way. It was hard to see her round stomach and keep in control.

The Uley's, Sam and Emily were there also, very sweet people. They had a little girl that was two and as cute as could be. It was hard being around all the love and family, but Jacob kept contact with me warming me. After eating, talking, and watching half a football game, my parents were finally ready to go to the Cullen's.

"Jake are you going to come with us?" I whispered to him as I slipped into my jacket. He looked torn, if I was being honest I needed him to come, but I knew it was the holidays and he should be with his family.

"I should stay with my dad, but if you need me I am sure he will understand." Jake said looking into my eyes full of emotion.

"I'm fine." I lied. He looked at me unsure, but nodded. Though I didn't miss the look that he exchanged with my father and I knew that my father would be watching me for the remainder of the day.

The ride to the Cullen's was short, due to the fast speeds that my father drove, well we all drove for that matter. Speed was in our blood, generations after generations. As we stopped in the Cullen's driveway my father looked at me in the rearview mirror, I nodded to him that I was fine. You are probably beginning to think I am a teenager or something like that, due to the fact that I live at home and the way my family watches me, but all of that is my fault. I have made many mistakes and at barely twenty-five I already have a lifetime of regrets. I have experienced one of the best things in life, but it ended in tragedy. Tragedy seemed to be a part of who I was, well more like misfortune. I am not sure what I did in previous life, but it must have been pretty bad to have such a fucked up existence this time around.

Doctor Carlisle Cullen and his wife Esme greeted us at the door, they were the sweetest people I had ever meet. They also seemed to have the perfect family and the perfect life. Carlisle was my mothers doctor and Esme her best friend. Almost two years ago now my mother became a patient of Carlisle's, she has stage four cancer. That is one of the two reasons I live at home, to help out with my mother. The other reason is because I am required to do so and because I don't trust myself, neither does anyone else I suppose.

"Hey Bella." Alice Cullen chimed as I made my way through the foyer following my parents.

"Hi." I mumbled trying to smile, Alice took the cake from my hands. Her face was perfect and she was so beautiful, like all of the Cullen's. Even the ones married into the family were beautiful. I followed my mother, Esme, and Alice into the kitchen while the men headed off to catch the second half of the game. The other Cullen women was in the kitchen, Rosalie, talk about taking a hit to your self-esteem. She was more beautiful then a runway model, with perfect skin, and perfect hair. It was a good thing I didn't really care about my appearance, since she would put me to shame if I even tried. She gave me a half smile and then went back to mashing some potatoes. She was married to Emmett, the oldest Cullen boy, and they had two adorable twins. Alice was married Jasper, the middle Cullen boy, they didn't have any children.

My mother and I sat at the counter joining into the girl banter while dinner was being finished up. I wasn't really paying attention, I just listened enough to be able to smile and nod when necessary.

"Edward." I heard Esme say and looked up to see him trying to sneak past the kitchen door. He paused for a moment looking anxious and unsure, then he entered the kitchen.

"Yes ma'am?" He asked and then all words were lost, because he was wearing a tight black shirt and art work was coming out from under the sleeves and down his arms. He didn't have completely filled sleeves, but he did have a lot of work done. His muscles on his arms were tight and defined, I saw them twitch a little, and when I looked up his jade eyes were smugly on me.

He licked his lips and his eyes sparkled making a long extinguished ache between my thighs appear. I could feel my eyes bulge in shock at this new ache, one I hadn't felt in so long it caught me off guard. I quickly took my eyes from him and tried to think of something that would make the ache disappear. Blood, grandpa's, vomit, teddy bears…. The last thought brought on a totally different ache, in my crushed chest and I did my best not to think about the thought pushing at me. After a moment I realized that I was pretty much alone - other then Renee - in the kitchen and I had arranged all the spices on the counter into order by size and color. My mother was staring at me with concern and worry in her eyes.

"What?" I asked knowing exactly what it was, I had shut everyone and everything off again.

"Bella you need to snap out of it, they all probably think you are crazy now. You just sat there completely gone while Esme was speaking to you." She sounded more embarrassed then anything else. She continued in a sweeter tone. "The day is almost over just try and make it another two hours, then we will be home. Just breath." She said kissing my head and getting up from the counter. I followed her into the Cullen's humongous dinning room, these people had more money then necessary.

All the food was ready on the table and everyone was pilling in to take a seat. Thanksgiving at their house was always different then at the Blacks. At the Black's we eat on the floor, couch, wherever we could find a spot. At the Cullen's we ate at an expensive dinning room table. Also at the Black's we ate on paper plates, then fine china at the Cullen's. Other then those things though, the atmosphere was much the same both the Black's and the Cullen's were all really warm and easy going. I purposely kept my eyes away from the one Cullen who made me ache in all the wrong ways. Alice was as bubbly as all the other times I had been around her, she planned a big shopping trip for Black Friday that I declined to go on, but my mom planned on going. Shopping wasn't my thing, but it made me anxious for my mother to go without myself or my father. Though I am sure that Esme was far more capable then the both of us, she was a doctors wife. The conversation was flowing around us and I wasn't really interested until the most beautiful voice broke through me, he had been just as quiet as me until now.

"So Charlie I saw the trophies in your office at the garage, do you race?" Edward asked and I looked at my father.

"It is a Swan family tradition, going back three generations." My father said proudly, but I didn't miss the weary glance at me out of the corner of his eye.

"So was that your car in the shop yesterday, do you still race?" Edward asked, I was still looking at my father, I saw the worry line on his face, so I stared intently at the table arranging my plate, drink, and silverware, because I knew that the attention would be on me soon.

"No, my car is at the house under a tarp. I stopped racing a few years back." Charlie answered and I couldn't help, but cringe a little knowing I was part of the reason he quiet racing, my mom being the other. "The car at the garage is Bella's." I felt my hands tingle as the attention was on me, I could feel eyes on me. My mom quickly diverted their attention.

"You know the Swan's hold the most records at the dirt track in Port Angeles, in both categories." She sounded as proud as a PTA mom, even though she never really liked us racing. It made her stress when we were out on the track, she blamed her gray hairs on our racing.

"Which categories?" Esme asked, everyone was curious now. There were things our family rarely talked about and racing was one of them. Our worlds used to revolve around it, but over the last few years it was a touchy subject. Though I am sure Esme and Carlisle knew some about it, considering the way this town gossips. My mom answered her proudly.

"Well in the adult and teen category of course." It was quiet for a moment and everyone seemed thoughtful.

"So Bella your going to start racing now?" Carlisle asked, I looked up from my distractions meeting many curious eyes. The most curious and intrigued was the jade eyes set in the beautiful face of Edward Cullen. I tried to pull myself together to answer, but my father spoke for me. Everyone looked to him, but Edward, who still stared at me. I tore my eyes off of him and looked at my father.

"Every Swan boy gets a car on their fifteen birthday, when they get it running they are allowed to race. Bella is the first girl in our family, well actually at the track to race. She started when she was fifteen, she built her own car in two months time, she also placed in her first race. Then she ended her second season with a championship, she won the most races and took home the most cash. By the time she turned eighteen everyone was eating her dust." I could hear the pride and the sadness in my fathers voice, everyone looked impressed by what he was saying, I just felt guilty. I had made him proud during that time, but now it was impossible for him to be proud of me.

"She holds the record for most wins in the teen category, no one has been able to win more then her in all these years." My mother added patting me on the back, I tried to smile, but I think it came off more as a grimce. Oops. It was silent for a moment and being perceptive I think mostly everyone understood it was a touchy subject for our family.

"So how are you doing in the adult category?" Emmett asked after a moment, as if he had just realized that we didn't say anything about the adult category. Neither my mother or my father answered for me.

"I haven't raced as a adult yet." I answered barely above a whisper.

"Why not?" Emmett asked surprised.

"Emmett?" Esme warned him not to intruded and Rosalie elbowed him.

"Sorry." He mumbled still looking extremely interested.

"That is alright." I said looking around, my mom couldn't handle leaving it at that, because it made it seem so bad.

"Bella went off to college after she graduated, that is why she hasn't raced." My mom smiled and everyone nodded in understanding, but that wasn't the half of it. Luckily my father quickly changed the conversation before they could all start questioning me about college and studies. Alice told our parents to go and talk that Rosalie, Alice, and myself would clean up the dishes. The boys offered to help so we all grabbed some dishes and carried them to the kitchen. I was going to volunteer to wash dishes, but I knew that it would just make me anxious. I had to stack my dishes in sections, then do them in a certain order, or I felt off balance. I was already anxious enough, no reason to push it.

Edward took up camp at the sink and started the dishes, I was pretty impressed seeing a man do dishes, because honestly in our house that never happened. The kitchen was large, but still managed to get a little crowded with all of us scarring around it, I was starting to feel a little claustrophobic so I tried to squeeze between Edward and Alice at the sink and the island. At this time a few things happened; I elbowed a small pan of grease on the island stove top knocking it to the floor, then I slipped in it. Edward turned to see what happened and reached out to catch me and in my free fall I grabbed at anything to catch myself. My hands caught on the front of Edward's pants and I pulled trying to stop the fall to the floor. Then he started to fall forward with me and his pants slip down in the front revealing his boxers. I hit the floor face up bumping my head pretty hard, Edward was still falling down over me, but he caught himself before he landed on me. He was propped up on his arms and toes hovering over me not touching me, our faces only inches from each other. His jade eyes stared into mine with intensity, then as he tried to push himself off of me his foot slipped in the grease. Making him land right on top of me with a smack, I could feel something solid and throbbing against my thigh.

"Sorry, are you ok?" His velvet smooth voice asked staring into my eyes making my breath catch in my throat. I had to fight the ache between my legs and not grind into him. I couldn't speak I just nodded and Edward rolled off the top of me. I couldn't help, but look down his body and try and find what was strained against my thigh. Edward's pants were pulled down to just under his butt and crotch, and there was his very large, very erect cock stretching the fabric of his boxers. I couldn't move my eyes from it, that thing had to hold a world record.

"Oh shit." I heard Edward say realizing what I was looking at and then I heard laughter all around us. My face burned on fire.

"Damn Edward if you are going hump a girls leg at least get a room first." Emmett laughed. I tried to get up and fell back down, slipping and sliding all over the place. My cloths and exposed skin was covered in grease. I could feel the anxiety and tears trying to break free. I couldn't really see through my eyes they were covered in a teary gaze. I felt a strong arm wrap around my waist and raise me to my feet. I looked down at my waist and could tell by the ink on it, who it was. Edward held me tight making sure not to press my body to his as he spoke in my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

"Are you ok?" He asked again, but I couldn't speak. I just broke free from his embrace and headed for the bathroom. As I entered and slammed the door behind me, I fell to the floor, more like slipped, I was covered in grease. So many emotions were running through me that all I wanted to do was disappear or go see an old acquaintance… "NO" I yelled at myself and climbed into the bath tub, curling up into a ball. I held my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth. I cleared my head and tried to push back everything I was feeling. Embarrassment, horror, pain, fear, anxiety, despondency, and urge. The urge to go back out there and fuck Edward on the kitchen counter until all the pain was gone. I hated myself, disgusted myself, and worst of all I hated the world. It was an unfair place, because even if I wasn't so fucked up, Edward Cullen would never have anything to do with me.

There was a slight knock on the door and Alice's voice came through the door.

"Bella are you ok?" She asked sounding truly concerned. "I am going to put some cloths outside the door for you, you can come out whenever you are ready."

After a moment I heard the lightest footsteps retreat from the door. I wanted to just sit here and hope to die, but I needed to get away from this house. So I quietly and quickly grabbed the cloths she left for me, after about ten minutes of trying to get the grease off my skin I pulled the cloths on. They fit, but they were not something I would ever wear. Oh well it just had to get me home, I hoped my parents were ready to go, if not I would walk home. There was no way I was staying here any longer.

I snuck out the bathroom hoping that if anyone saw me I could die on the spot, I was too embarrassed to even see a glimpse of someone. Somehow I made it out to the car without anyone seeing me and I text my mom letting her know I was in the car. Moments later they came out and we drove home in silence. I could see the worry and confusion on their faces, I guess no one told them what happened and I wasn't about to offer up any information.

As soon as we were at the house I ran and got my bike ignoring my parents as they asked where I was going. I knew I would worry them, but right now I needed to get away. I needed to be with him. I drove my bike faster then necessary through the rainy streets of Forks to the one place that I visited everyday without falter. The old sign over the chain link fence rattled with the words "Fork's Cemetery" etched in it. I didn't even bother getting off my bike and walking through the Cemetery, I just rode the bike through it until I came to the small tombstone with the baby blue picked fence around it. A soaked blue teddy bear and flowers lined the tombstone. I sat with my knees against my chest at the end of the grave, just like every other day. The tears streamed down my face with the rain.

"My little EJ mommy misses you."