I couldn't sleep.
I've been staring up the ceiling for hours now, my mind filled with a void of nothingness. I wanted to cry for reasons that I couldn't even understand but tears won't fall. It'll be so much easier if I could just bawl my eyes out and blame something or someone for this anguish but nothing. Just nothing.
So I did what I think would help me relax. I grabbed my phone and went to Youtube. He always makes me feel better. The most normal thing to feel was pain, I suppose. That's how one should feel about someone you loved so much in the past that you lost, right? But with Dan, I just feel happy seeing him where he is now. Sometimes that makes me wonder whether what we have was truly real.
I scrolled through his videos, going to my most favourite: Hello Internet.
I've watched him talk about this so many times in his liveshows and basically everywhere and how cringeworthy it is but I find every single thing in this just wonderful.
Even if this was the start of why we fell apart.
The video started and the view of his old room sent my heart fluttering. I remember when I used to watch him play Guitar Hero for hours, my head on the side of his bed as we sat on the floor. I would tickle him so he would lose his focus and he would do that pouty face he still does whenever he f*cks up in one of their DanAndPhilGames videos.
He peeks out from the corner of the screen and I pause. I just had to. This was way too funny.
I watched as he introduced himself, those hands making all those silly gestures. And then my heart stopped.
That bear he was talking to? The one that supposedly ate his face? That was from me.
It was supposed to be a joke. One day, I visited their house and his mum called him "Bear." Apparently everyone in the family called him Bear at the time. He was so flustered and horrified when he found out his mum told me that we spent half our time together that day with his face buried in his pillow, mumbling and cussing, red in the face and refusing to even look at me. The next day, I gave him that bear. He threw it in my face at first, that prick! But he apologised afterwards and kissed me on the forehead. That was when I knew I had properly fallen in love with him.
He always made me laugh to point of tears. And up to this point, no one could make me do that. Still him. Even if it was just through a screen.
I noticed that everything was starting to blur. Then I felt tears rushing down my cheeks. I just closed my eyes and suddenly felt my chest feel heavy. Other people may want to avoid this but I won't. Tonight I realised how much I had tried to keep everything that I felt ever since we chose not to see each other anymore. I didn't cry that day or the days after that. I just had a fake smile plastered on my face that I still carried to this day.
But tonight everything rushed in and somehow I'm glad.
Somehow, the pain I felt made me fall asleep in the hopes that I could talk to Dan in my dreams.