A/N: Okay, let me just take a moment and revel in the awesomeness that is my readers, reviews, alerts, etc. YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING! I love you so much.
I'm really glad you guys are liking where this story is going. It was awkward for me to write at times, what with all the angst that I am definitely not used to writing so much angsty goodness! I did add fluffy moments though for those of you who aren't Angst's biggest fans! :D
Random Disclaimer: (I do not own Buffy).
Me: Angel? Angel? Where are you?
Angel: ...
Me: Fine! Go disappear and brood.
Xander: What's the problem with that?
Me: Shut up, Xander! Without Angel I'm nothing...
Buffy: (coughs pointedly and glares) Uh, excuse me?
Me: (wide-eyed and innocent) What?
Willow: (whispers excitedly) I know a secret!
Me: (whispers back) I know! I came up with it!
Buffy: Uh, can we get to the chapter guys? I really wanna know this secret...
Eye of the Beholder Chapter Two
Buffy didn't know how long she stood there staring at where Angel had just been. Had this really just happened? Buffy didn't know, and it bothered her. He had just been kissing her. She could still taste him on her lips. She'd thought that everything was fine.
What now?
A noise behind her caused Buffy to whirl around, picking up her sword as she spun to face the new arrivals.
"Whoa, easy there Buff," Xander raised his hands up in front of her, placating. "We're friendly's."
However, Buffy wasn't listening to him. Her gaze immediately zeroed in on Giles who stood beside Xander; albeit the Watcher was more or less leaning on Xander to remain standing, but he was on his feet nonetheless.
Buffy worriedly rushed to his side. "Oh my god, Giles! Are you okay?" she asked quickly, before shaking her head as she looked him over. "Gah, that's a stupid question, don't answer it."
"I'll be alright," Giles replied, managing a tight, weak smile for her benefit.
"We were just, uh, checkin' to see that all was safe in the world," Xander motioned to the silent Acathla in front of them.
Buffy glanced back at the statue, her expression immediately becoming more somber as it reminded her that Angel had left again. "Yeah…everything's fine…" she mumbled as she tried to keep her tone devoid of the dejection she felt.
"Don't worry about it Buffster," Xander shrugged, thinking he knew her problem. "There's other fish in the sea."
Buffy's brow furrowed. "What?"
"You know," Xander encouraged. This was great! Dead Boy was gone and dust! "You dusting Dead Boy and all…"
"What?" Buffy repeated, this time in outrage. "No! I didn't kill Angel!"
Giles opened his mouth to speak, but Xander spoke first. "What? You mean that Angelus is just wondering around town, looking for a snack? God, Willow! He'll go after her! We have to get to the hospital…"
"Xander!" Buffy cried out, wide-eyed at his words. "He's not Angelus anymore! He's Angel! Willow's spell worked!" Despite herself Buffy couldn't help her softened tone as she told them of Willow's success, or the small hint of a smile that pulled at her lips.
"If this is true, then where is he?" Giles asked tiredly, and Buffy's attention was immediately on him.
"Giles, we can totally hash this out later." Buffy avoided the question nicely, even if it was blaringly obvious. "Right now, we need to get you to the hospital."
"But what about—," Xander began, but Buffy silenced him with a glare.
"Come on, Giles," Buffy ordered gently, as she draped his arm over her shoulder and began to help him out of the mansion and to the hospital, Xander accompanying them in a dark, contemplative silence.
They walked through the doors of the emergency room and then took seats to wait their turn. However, Buffy and Xander eventually left Giles to go visit Willow at his urging. In truth, Giles wanted to be alone.
His name was called an hour or so after Buffy and Xander had left, and he got to his feet slowly before following the nurse back to an examination room. Surprisingly, the doctor was already there and waiting for him. Giles answered the man's questions stoically; not at all curious as to why the doctor did not ask him about how he had sustained his wounds.
He'd long ago accepted that no one in Sunnydale asked questions.
Giles didn't mind though. He needed to think. He had so much information to process and analyze.
His injuries were not the worst he could have sustained. Broken bones would mend, bruises would fade, cuts would seal. Emotionally, though…emotionally, Giles was a long way from healing.
Aside from the mental trauma of being tortured by The Scourge of Europe, Giles had suffered so much more when Drusilla had hypnotized him. He'd seen what he'd wanted to see. Jenny, his Jenny…such a beautiful woman she'd been. He'd loved her, really and truly loved her.
And she was dead.
Angel had killed her.
Giles sighed, but the doctor didn't even look up to question him. He simply continued his work.
The distinction between Angel and Angelus had become fuzzy to Giles. Whether it be by his own hatred or guilt or loss, he didn't know. It was just that somewhere along the line, they had become one and the same. Angel was Angelus. Angelus was Angel. They had become interchangeable.
Upon hearing that Angelus had been re-ensouled, Giles had been furious. His own need for revenge had far surpassed his relief that Angelus was locked away once more. Giles wanted to find him. He wanted to find Angel, track him down, and drive a stake through his cold heart.
For Jenny and for himself.
But Giles wouldn't follow through with his inner wishes.
No, Giles wouldn't kill Angel. There was no ultimate, wise, selfless reason as to why. It was actually rather simple and selfish. If he killed Angel, Buffy would never trust him again. It would be the epitome of betrayal in the young Slayer's eyes, and she would surely cut him out of her life completely. Giles loved her too much too much to allow that.
Some time ago he had begun to see her as a daughter rather than a student. He wouldn't have been able to give an answer as to exactly when the shift had occurred if someone had ever asked, but he knew that he had a father's love for his Slayer.
The past few months, his heart had broken for her. Buffy was so bright, so happy with Angel…and it had been obvious that Angel's world had revolved around her. Giles had let them be, against his better judgment.
Look how that had turned out.
The devastation on Buffy's face when she'd learned that Angel had lost his soul had almost been more than Giles could bear…but it had been nothing compared to the guilt that seemed to swallow her up whole. Giles knew she blamed herself, even if it wasn't her fault. It was Angel's fault if Giles had to put the blame on someone, even if he knew that Angel didn't deserve the blame either.
No one could have predicted what would happen.
Giles looked down at his hand, now in a brace that was nice and tight. The doctor left and Giles simply sat on the examination table for a few more moments as he collected his thoughts. He needed to think ahead.
Angel was back, soulful once more…yet he was in the wind as far as Giles knew. Where had he gone? Had he left? Was he coming back?
Buffy was in pain. She was hurt by Angel's departure, that much was certain. What would she do? Would she try to find him? What would they do? Would they stay together?
What was he, Giles, going to do?
Giles frowned. It was a good question, and one that he sadly did not yet know the answer to.
Buffy and Xander had walked down the hall of the hospital in silence. Buffy could feel the tension in the air, and she knew that Xander was refraining from saying whatever was on his mind. Buffy was grateful for that, because she was pretty sure that she really didn't want to know or hear what her friend was thinking.
Of all her friends, she knew that Xander disliked Angel the most. Some would call it hate, Buffy supposed, but she didn't like to think that Xander was capable of such strong emotion. To dislike someone was one thing, but to hate someone, to truly hate someone was another entity entirely.
At times, Buffy wondered what had led Xander to dislike Angel so much. Of course, she hadn't been blind to the fact that in the early stages of their friendship Xander had had a crush on her. Buffy had tried to ignore it for two reasons, well, three really. Reason number one was that Willow was completely crushing on Xander, and Buffy refused to come between them. Reason number two was simply that Buffy didn't see Xander that way. The third reason was even simpler, and yet more complicated...Buffy had only had eyes for Angel.
But did Xander's dislike stem from rejection and jealousy, or was he truly just trying to look out for her like he always defended? Buffy sighed softly, fearing that it was a little bit of both.
They reached Willow's door then, and Buffy turned to Xander. "I'm gonna go down to the cafeteria," she said quietly. "I should really eat something. Tell Willow I'll be back soon."
Buffy turned and left before Xander had even had time to protest.
The cafeteria was relatively empty, especially at this time of night. There were a few people: a couple playing Scrabble sipping what Buffy knew was bad coffee, a young girl who was organizing her M&Ms by color while her father talked quietly on the phone, a few others were reading and then shooting worried glances at the clock every time they turned the page. Buffy sighed, and walked to the vending machine, thinking that the little girl had the right idea about M&Ms.
Sliding her coins through the slot and punching in the correct code, Buffy watched as her candy fell with a thunk to the bottom of the machine. She reached her hand through the little slot at the bottom, grabbing her treat, and then found a table in the corner, away from everyone.
Buffy ripped the top of the package and poured some of the multi-colored candy in her hand, popping a few in her mouth immediately. Slowly, Buffy ate her candy, all the while staring at the opposite wall, thinking.
Angel.
Angel was back.
Angel was gone.
He was nowhere.
He was everywhere.
Life really sucked, Buffy decided.
The past few months had been hell. Seeing her lover's face, so beautiful and kind, become so horrifyingly evil and malicious had been almost more than she could take. His laughter once so soft and gentle and become mocking and cruel. Every single time she'd seen Angelus, she'd seen Angel. It was him who she thought of automatically. It was his face, his body. Trying to separate the two in her mind had been difficult at first, but she'd managed. At first glance, Angelus and Angel looked exactly the same. But when she'd looked harder, like Buffy had learned to do, they didn't look alike at all.
Angelus stood too straight, too cocky, too proud. His eyes glittered in malice. His smile was crooked with cruelty. Angelus looked nothing like Angel. Angel's shoulders sagged with the weight of his guilt, yet he still carried a strong presence. His eyes were warm with compassion. His smile was soft and kind. Angel looked nothing like Angelus.
How did everyone else not see that?
Buffy had not forgotten what Angelus had done, how could she? But she wasn't going to punish Angel for it. He would punish himself enough without her wrongfully adding to it.
Absently, Buffy tipped the package of M&Ms in her hand, but the chocolatey candy did not appear. Buffy frowned and looked at the clock.
Time to see Willow.
"How ya doin' Wills?" Buffy asked softly as she took a seat in the chair beside her best friend's hospital bed.
"Oh, you know me," Willow laughed tiredly. "I'm just dandy."
Buffy looked at Willow disapprovingly, but Willow refused to say that her head was killing her because she knew that Buffy would feel guilty even though it wasn't her fault.
Sighing, Buffy looked around the room. "Where's Oz?" she asked confused.
"Xander took him down to the cafeteria," Willow answered with a gentle smile. "Well, more like dragged. You really shouldn't underestimate Oz."
Buffy smiled, even though she was surprised she hadn't run into Oz or Xander on her way back up to Willow's room. "I guess we just missed each other then," she said before becoming serious. "I stopped Acathla," she said quietly. "I didn't have to kill Angel. Willow…I can't thank you enough."
"You mean it worked?" Willow asked, her eyes shining bright with excitement despite how tired she was. "Xander came in, but he wouldn't say anything!"
"Yeah, Wills, it worked," Buffy said softly.
Willow's heart was racing, the frantic beat from the heart monitor let Buffy know, too. "Willow, are you alright?" she asked anxiously. "Willow? What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" Willow denied, a bright smile appearing on her face that completely forwent triumph. In fact, the look on her face resembled pure, albeit slightly surprised joy. "Oh, if I could get up and do a happy dance, I would!" Willow clapped her hands. "This is great!"
"Yes," Buffy agreed slowly, trying to work out exactly why Willow was so excited. "Angel has a soul…"
"Yeah, he does," Willow agreed, nodding her head, but immediately wincing at the action. "Ugh, remind me no nodding in the next few days…I'm still a little muddled in the noggin'."
"Got it. No nodding," Buffy said gently. "Thank you so much Willow," she repeated, doubting she'd ever be able to say it enough. "I mean…after everything that Angelus did…" Buffy paused, fighting back tears as flashes of memory of the past few months flitted through her brain. "You still did the spell…Angel—I know I would have been able to kill him. But, Will, it would have killed me to do it. I-I don't know what I would have done," Buffy admitted quietly as silent tears rolled down her cheeks.
Willow was still flying high on her witchy broom of success. There was one thing that Buffy didn't know. "Well, I know that you and Angel are soulmates. You've really got the fairytale romance goin' on, and that would make me a bad witch if I didn't do something to fix it."
"But you're not a bad witch," Buffy shook her head. "You never could be."
"Thanks," Willow smiled. "Oh, and you should know that I didn't do the spell that the gypsies originally cursed him with," she said quickly.
"What?" Buffy exclaimed, her eyes wide. "Willow? Is he really Angel? Was it all a trick, is he just playing me? I could have sworn that it was him—."
"Whoa, calm down Buff," Xander said as he strolled in, Oz right behind him, who immediately went to Willow's left side and took her hand. "Look who I brought," Xander said, moving aside so that they could see a very tired Giles.
The Watcher smiled at Willow. "I'm glad to see you're alright."
"You too," Willow returned the smile, but Buffy couldn't stand the suspense any longer. What was Willow talking about?
"Willow, what do you mean you didn't do the original spell?" Buffy asked quickly, causing everyone's ears to perk up.
"What?" Giles asked sharply. "Willow, what did you do?"
"I didn't do all the work!" Willow immediately defended. "When I found the disc that had Ms. Calendar's spell on it, I really looked it over, ya know? And well, she had a lot of notes at the bottom…she'd felt so guilty," Willow admitted quietly. She hesitantly looked up at Giles, whose eyes were just a little misty. "S-she wanted to try and make it right. She thought that what her clan had done to Angel was wrong and unfair to him…"
"I don't see how," Xander cut in angrily. "He killed people! Shouldn't he suffer for it?"
"No!" Buffy and Willow both shouted at the same time, causing Xander to rock back on his heels.
"The soul didn't do anything, Xander," Willow argued. "The demon did those things. Angelus. Not the soul—Angel is innocent!"
"Willow, what did you do?" Giles asked seriously.
"Well…Ms. Calendar had been trying to make it right," Willow repeated before looking at Buffy. "She wanted you to be able to be together…she was trying to work out a way to make his soul permanent."
Buffy's breath caught in her throat as her brain quickly processed Willow's words. It couldn't be…could it? Was it possible that Angel's soul was permanent? Was Angelus locked away for good? Buffy couldn't even begin to think about all the things that this could mean. Angel would never have to fear himself again. Buffy could relax, knowing that Angelus was gone. They could be together—in every way. No one would ever have to worry about them getting too close again and have a repeat of the past few months.
"Willow," Giles said slowly as he tried to force himself not to jump to conclusions. "Are you saying that you…you made Angel's soul permanent?"
Willow looked like she was about to nod, and Buffy quickly interfered. "Hey, no nodding!"
"Oh, right," Willow stopped herself not a moment too soon. "Thanks," she smiled before looking at Giles. "Yes," she said firmly. "I looked over Ms. Calendar's notes and figured it out."
"So that was the reason for the whole, 'not-speaking-English-possession-thing'?" Xander asked, completely blown away by the news.
"Yep," Willow replied.
"Willow," Giles said seriously, a slight reprimand in his tone. "This was completely irresponsible of you. Changing a spell as old and as specific as a Soul Restoration Spell is no simple thing. Something could have gone wrong, and consequences we couldn't even fathom may become of this act, even though it was with all the right intentions." Willow looked down, chastened.
"At the very least, you should have shown the spell to me," Giles said seriously.
"I didn't know if you'd let me do it," Willow said quietly, but then added firmly. "And if you'd said no, I still would have done it."
Giles pursed his lips. Willow was talented in the magical arts, but Giles was surprised she had managed to pull off something as powerful as anchoring Angel's soul. If Giles were one to believe in the thought, he would have said it was fate.
"We can't be sure that it worked," Giles shook his head, still trying to assess all the angles.
"It did," Buffy said and everyone looked at her, their faces spanning from Xander's disgust to Giles' shock to Willow's goofy smile. "Not that way!" Buffy immediately amended, blushing furiously.
"Well, that's a relief," Xander muttered. "I really didn't want you to test that theory."
"Hey, my spell worked!" Willow said defensively. "Buffy said so."
"Angel has a soul," Buffy said softly. "He's back."
"Oh, well then where is he?" Xander wondered aloud, remembering how Buffy had already dodged the question once when they were at the mansion. "Personally, I'd be happy if he just packed up shop and left. Good riddance I say. Sunnydale has enough evil without Dead Boy walking around."
"Shut up, Xander!" Buffy snapped angrily.
"Oh, please, come on, Buffy!" Xander yelled frustrated. "He killed Jenny! He killed who knows who else! He broke my arm, and put Willow, your best friend, in the hospital. He tortured Giles! You should have just staked him when you had the chance!"
"Xander!" Willow cried horrified at the tears that had pooled in Buffy's eyes at Xander's harsh words. "How can you say that? I did this for both of them, for everyone! Buffy and Angel deserve to be together! They make each other happy, and don't you want that? Don't you want Buffy to be happy?"
"Well I guess that now Angel can get the big happy, it doesn't matter," Xander snapped coldly, causing Buffy to gasp as if she'd been punched in the gut. "You can go have sex with Dead Boy without ending the world. Good for you," he finished before storming out of the room.
A sob escaped Buffy as she stared at the doorway where Xander had just left. How could he say such things? How could he think so little of her? Is that what he thought of her? Is that what he'd been thinking of earlier? Did he just think she was a slut?
His words had cut her like a knife. Tears slid down her cheeks as Buffy felt the sharp sting of betrayal skewer her heart. If anyone else had said such words, she would have been able to shrug them off. But coming from Xander, one of her closest friends…there was no immediate bounce back. Xander had been her friend since the beginning, and Buffy had always admired him for his loyalty. It was something that couldn't be taught, it was just an innate motivation. How could Xander think this way of her? Why did he hate Angel so much? Was he really just trying to make her see what was best for her? The thought at any other time would have caused her blood to boil, but she was far too shocked at the moment to act on the emotion.
A sudden thought occurred to her. Was this what everyone else thought about her and Angel? Buffy knew that Willow felt different, but right now, she was the only one that Buffy knew of for sure. What did Giles think? Surely, Giles hated Angel. Even if it hadn't been Angel who had tortured him, Angelus had worn his face.
Giles probably hated her too. After all, she'd had the chance to kill Angelus more than once, but she'd always let him go. Every time she'd had the chance to kill him, she'd ignored it, and every night as she'd lay in bed the decision would haunt her. How many people died because she hadn't been strong enough? What kind of person did letting him live make her? Angleus had known that she couldn't kill him, and that had only made things worse.
This was all her fault.
Everyone had every right to hate her.
"I'm sorry," Buffy apologized, choking on a sob. "I-I didn't know…if I had I would have n-never…"
"Buffy, we know," Giles interrupted gently. "Xander's just being a prat."
Giles' words brought a smile to Buffy's face. "Oh, look at Giles with the British slang. Xander's being a prat alright," Buffy's smile quickly faded, unable to keep the expression for long as she looked up at Giles.
She took in the brace on his hand, the bandage over the cut above his eye, the bruises. "I wouldn't blame you if you felt the same way, Giles," Buffy said softly. "I may not have known what would happen but…it's still my fault…"
"No, it's not your fault," Giles argued, trying to figure out how to comfort his Slayer.
Giles recalled his contemplations from earlier. He hated Angel and he hated Angelus. The two had become one and the same, even though he knew in his mind that they were completely different individuals. One loved and the other hated. It was that simple a distinction between the two.
But Giles knew it would be a long time before he would be able to accept that. Because at the moment, his heart still ached from the loss of his love. He needed someone to blame in his grief, and since Angelus was gone…Angel would have to do.
However, Giles couldn't tell Buffy this. Although, he could tell her that she was not what Xander had said.
"Buffy, you are by no means what Xander alluded to," Giles said firmly. "You're one of the best people on this earth, and you shouldn't let him make you think any different. You are not responsible for Angel losing his soul, and neither is Angel for that matter."
"Where is Angel?" Oz asked curiously. "I thought he'd be with you."
Buffy's gaze immediately dropped to her lap. "H-he left."
"What?" Willow questioned wide-eyed. "That's not good. Did he leave leave? Or did he just 'take a walk' leave?"
"I-I don't know," Buffy whispered, her eyes growing frantic at Willow's questions. Why hadn't she thought of this earlier? It was exactly the thing Angel would do.
Buffy looked from Giles to Oz to Willow, as if they could give her answers. "What if he did leave, as in the 'for good, never coming back' kind? What if he's already left? What if—," Buffy began, but she quickly shook her head as she rose from her chair. "Never mind, I gotta go. I've got to find him!" she said panicking at the thought that Angel might leave without even saying goodbye, or even worse…not knowing that his soul was anchored.
Run, Buffy! Run!
Yes, the angst continues! It really is non stop for the first eight chapters especially, but then it slows down...slightly...
And how about the Scoobies reactions? Willow, gah, I love the S2 Willow. So loyal she be! And sneaky...
Xander, well, Xander's gonna be Xander and be a real jerk for a while.
Giles...poor Giles, he's just had a tough time, hasn't he?
Oz is just going to go with Willow. Plus, Oz knows what it's like to have an animal inside trying to get out.
Sooooooooooooooooo...you like?
Lots of love,
ArthursCamelot