Neelix and I wander into the semi demolished crew quarters. I am horrified to see that it is Chakotay's quarters, all his precious belongings are torn, fire struck and damaged. It stops me in my tracks. I had pretty much stopped feeling, stopped all sensations of love, regret, anger. Stopped being human, instead I am an automaton parading as a captain. However, looking at the room, it shattered some of the glass surrounding my heart, my...feelings. I stepped further in the room, and my tricorder picked up the metal. It was that damned chronometer. He hadn't recycled it. He disobeyed my orders.

There it sat, both a momento of my folly, but also the catalyst of what came next. It can be a memory for me, a memory for us. I pick it up, willing the tears I have not shed for countless weeks to pass. It is 3 months since he gave me this gift. 3 months of desperation. 3 months since I ordered the crew to abandon ship, since I hugged B'elanna, promising to return Paris and Chakotay to the ship. Putting on my captain mask, I attach it to my belt. I will have something of Chakotay with me until the end. Smiling and joking with Neelix, I made it through the rest of the inspection until I can have some privacy. I find that after all, I need to think, if for the last time, about love.

It took nearly two days after the abortive gift giving for me to go and apologise to Chakotay. I found him in his remnant of office, and asked him to join me for dinner. It is true to say that he was reluctant.

'Captain, are you sure you can spare me the time?' . The use of my title rather than my name hurt. There was no evidence of a smile, no evidence of our past camaraderie, no sign of friendship. I had hurt him. damn, I had hurt him badly.

'Chakotay' I half whispered 'i wish to, apologise' he continued to stare at me. It felt as if I was on report, not talking to my best friend.

'I am waiting, Captain' he finally said, with no inflection. I felt the tears prick behind my eyes. I just didn't know how to make this better. Dammit I realised that I couldn't live without his friendship. No, that isn't true, that I didn't want to live without it.

'I...' deep breath Janeway 'I am sorry Chakotay. Your gift was beautiful. The story moving, your care for me...' I closed my eyes to stop the tears from dripping down my cheek. 'your care for me essential. i miss you. I...' I noticed that he must have moved whilst my eyes were shut. I felt his thumb gently stroke a tear from my cheek. A traitorous tear that once one has escaped was being followed by a waterfall of tears. 'i love you' I whispered.

His lips grazed my eyes, his hands gently held my face. 'and I love you too, Kathryn'

I allowed myself to finally melt against him, letting all the armour I had built against this love dissipate, letting me finally, and utterly give in. I had no resistance left to offer. My hands moved up to trace his tattoo, to twist in his hair, to trace his solid strength against my fading determination. i needed his strength behind me. more than anything, I needed him.

i kissed him back. soft and cautious. Hesitant, after all these years of denial. I felt tears on his cheeks too, and finally opening my eyes, I saw the pleading, the love and the hope in his.

'i love you, Chakotay. I have always loved you. I need you by my side. please, please forgive me'

'oh Kathryn, there is nothing to forgive. you have done as you needed to. I, I am here for you, in any way you need me to be. let me still make your burdens lighter, in the days we have left'

he kissed me again and again. 'hold me chakotay, love me, let us at least have this' he needed no further encouragement. Our exploration of each other was slow, thorough and bittersweet, and our lovemaking both gentle and blissful. We truly belonged together.

We had three days. Three days of hope, where things started to seem like they might be possible again. Where the tide seemed to change, with the temporal shielding, the Krenim space shrinking and where we snatched some precious moments together. Three days that I hold in my heart as a talisman. Three days intertwined with this chronometer that ticks of his love wherever I walk. Three days until the Krenim took him.

I am ready now, Chakotay. I am ready to fight back.