Brian's POV
If they think I would ever did that on purpose, well, they don't know me at all. It wasn't that I didn't want to hurt him because I wanted, a little, but never would I wish or want something that bad, to anyone, much less to Justin. My sweet angel seems so broken; I don't even remember when the light had begun to fade in his eyes… Until there's nothing left here but pure desperation. It's like seeing him just after the bashing, except that, now, he is like numb.
You know the feeling. The one that won't go away, no matter what we do, which take strength in the fact that, even when you fight it, you know you won't tamed it. The beast of nothingness, that settles down in your belly and spreads in your limbs like the most terrible sickness, which attacks your brain… And, when it's in your head, it is worst because it plants doubts and insecurities. It crashes your self-confidence and the trust you have in yourself and others.
But I never (never) thought that Justin would feel that way. I thought he was too strong to be crush by my attitude. Hell, he proves me just that before. I don't know what happened between to… Ian. Of course! That was so obvious I didn't think about it. Justin probably thinks that he was stupid to fall for the fiddler's bullshit, and now he thinks that he really doesn't deserve true love and blah blah blah, because his two attempts at relationships failed. Worse, he thinks he has to put up with my shit and not call me on it like he uses to because I would throw him.
So with the seeds of doubts and insecurities already there, it was just a matter of time for him to simply snap… His body and mind have shut down to protect themselves of all the changes (of himself and the people around him). My sweet baby (don't you tell him I called him that or I rip your balls off…) has had enough to react like someone else, to be someone else…
Because this is not Justin… It is some pale and fade copy of what he uses to be, he never would have allowed himself to hurt like that and not react. He would have confronted me a long long time ago. But, with the "no-rules" phase returning and not living with me anymore, plus the load of bullshit I have put him through since he's back… I understand a little.
There's something that bother me still… I don't know what it is but it's here, you know? Like if my mind wanted me to see something important… Ah! I know… It's the comparison between the bashing and now that I made. I said: "It's like seeing him just after the bashing, except that, now, he is like numb. You know the feeling. The one that won't go away, no matter what we do, which take strength in the fact that, even when you fight it, you know you won't tamed it." Remember? Numb…
After the bashing he took his strength from the rage he had inside, from his inner emotions and his love for me… He fought his fears because he knew it wasn't his fault that he was in the shape he was in… What if Justin believes he deserves to feel so damn bad? God, maybe it's because he knows he hurts me that he wants to hurt himself! "Even when you fight it…"
I know, now… There's no question here… He really doesn't fight it because he thinks he deserves it.