Silence had filled the little clearing in which they were all gathered, still on their knees in the dirt of the forest. Negan was long gone now, but they still didn't find the strength to move yet. Everyone was still in shock, ugly crying and sobbing the loss of their brother. The man that had been by their sides for so long, and who had been taken from them so unfairly and so fast. Maggie was still holding her middle, although the pain of her chest was taking over the pain in her round belly now. Glenn had rushed by her side as soon as the saviors had cleared the clearing, and was now holding her against his heart while they both whipped softly.
"We need to go back to Hilltop" finally said Sasha, voice hoarse and broken, Abraham's hand finding hers. "Maggie… Maggie needs…"
"We need to get Paul" replied Maggie, her eyes still filled with tears. "We need to tell Paul."
Her eyes fell on the body of the man she considered as his brother, and she sobbed even harder, hiding her face against Glenn's chest. Apart from his body, there was nothing left of Daryl's head. it had been smashed by the bat and into the ground until only brains and broken bones remained, and when they all wanted to turn their eyes away from the sight, they knew they couldn't. It wasn't the image they wanted to keep of the fighter and good man that had been Daryl Dixon, yet they couldn't leave him like this.
"Dad" whispered Carl, throat dry and tears still running down his face. "We have to go. We have to take him."
Rick was still not moving, eyes lost in the immensity of the first before him. He didn't blink, yet fresh tears were falling from his eyes, rolling down his cheeks and neck. Michonne finally got up, the golden ring that she had taken from Daryl's shaking hands still firmly held against her palm, and kneeled in front of her lover.
"Rick. We gotta go. We gotta help Maggie, we have to… We have to find Paul."
She opened her hand, revealing the ring to everyone's eyes. A few gasps of shock came from some of them, while tears started rolling down their faces once again.
"I didn't even know" muttered Rick, eyes finally focusing on Michonne. "I didn't even know that he was in a relationship."
He looked at the ring in Michonne's hand, blinking his tears away a few times before laughing without joy, loud and hollow.
"I didn't even know he was in love, Michonne, what kind of brother am I?"
"Rick…" whispered his lover, pulling him against her, trying to ease both their pain in the much needed hug.
They stayed like that for a while, unaware of Eugene, Rosita and Abraham finding the strength to get up and get the caravan a little bit closer, while Carl and Green were covering Daryl's body with a sheet to move him.
"He wanted to tell you" finally said Maggie, staring at the now forever unmoving body. "He wanted to tell all of you. I only found out because I was visiting Harlan for the baby, and I wanted to say hi to Jesus before leaving. They were both in the trailer, cooking while holding hands, smiling and kissing… He made me promise not to tell anyone. Because he was afraid."
She snorted, whipping the tears away from her face with the sleeve of her shirt.
"He was afraid of you, of all of us looking at him differently because he was gay. He was still so damn afraid of his dad beating the shit outta him when he found out, that he lived the best few months of his life without any of us being aware of his relationship with the person he loved more then anything in his life." Her voice broke, and she closed her eyes to avoid tearing up again. "The man he was ready to marry."
Sasha's cries were only louder after this, her head bent and her knees digging in the ground. Rick let out a few more tears, too, before Carl's hand pulled at his shoulder.
"Dad… Please, we gotta get him somewhere else. We have to burry him."
The young man's voice was shaky and full of pain, too. And for a moment, all of them realized how much Daryl had meant to the kid more than anyone else. He had been there from the moment this whole thing had started, when Carl was just a kid that had never held a gun in his life, to the young man he was now. Daryl had been an uncle to the boy, as he had been a brother to them all.
"We need to get him in the caravan" insisted Glenn, moving around the body to lift it.
Abraham rushed to his side, and so did Aaron. The three of them carried Daryl's motionless body inside the caravan, ignoring the big pool of blood and brains still on the floor. One by one, they started getting up as well, following them inside without a glance back, leaving this horrid place full of painful memories.
They arrived at Hilltop less than an hour after, and realized which a clenched stomach how close they had been to their purpose before Negan found them. Rick stopped the caravan just before the main gates, and stopped the engines altogether. They all stood in silence for a moment, looking a the big doors before them, when Rick talked again.
"How long?"
When only silence greeted him, he shook his head.
"How long did they keep it from us?"
"Almost six months" replied Maggie in a low voice.
Six months. Six months of relationship, that no one even considered. For six months they had seen them going on runs together, thinking they were just going along after all, against all odds. Six months of trips to the Hilltop for "supplies", "make sure that everything was okay over there" or even "keep an eye out on Gregory". Six months, and nobody had seen anything. Before not once they'd seen that Daryl could even be in a relationship, and guilt twisted their stomach.
"Why would he keep that from us?" finally asked Abraham, his rough voice cutting like a knife through the thick air.
"Because he was afraid." replied Rosita. "And none of us ever asked, too. We all knew something was up when he kept coming here, but we never made anything but stupid jokes about it."
The jokes, yeah. All of a sudden, Rick thought of all the jokes he'd made with Shane, back in the first days of their camps around Atlanta. Old cop jokes about queers and pride, he didn't even remember all of them. What did Daryl think about him, then? And afterwards, when he fell in love with a man, and thought that his brother wouldn't approve? Rick wanted to cry again. To cry for all these times Daryl had probably wondered if he could tell him. For all these months Daryl had lost coming back to Alexandria alone, daydreaming about another place when he could have enjoyed his lover longer if only they had known.
"He knew we wouldn't judge him" insisted Maggie. "He just needed time. It was his first big relationship, and he wanted to make things right. He needed to make things right, he wanted everything to be so perfect."
She shook her head, smiling sadly.
"He was constantly worried that he'd scare Paul away with his inexperience. This dumbass didn't even realize that Jesus was even more smitten that he was."
The revealing of this information felt like a big stone had been dropped inside their stomach.
"He wanted to ask Paul to marry him" continued Maggie, letting tears run down her face once again. "But not before telling all of us. We talked… We talked about it before all of this happened, the pain, the trip…" She shook her head, as if in denial. "He wanted to tell us at the end of the week. During our monthly dinner in the big house. Ask Paul to come, too. God, he was so nervous, I don't recall seeing him this afraid of anything before. But it was important, for him, to do it. To be the one to tell us all, no matter how frightening it was."
Glenn tightened his hand around hers, eyes shinny as his wife's.
"I don't know how… How are we gonna tell Paul?" she finally whispered. "How are we gonna tell him that the love of his life died because of us, because of our certainty that we were going to win?"
"I will do it" said Rick, voice blank. "I will tell him."
"It's gonna kill him" sobbed Sasha, eyes wet.
No one said a single thing after that. In front of the caravan, they saw someone gesturing for them to come closer, and they opened the gates in front of them. They all stepped outside the caravan, greeted by a few Hilltop residents.
"Hi" said a man they'd all seen before -Kal, Rick remembered. "Why are you here? Is something wrong?"
His eyes fell on Maggie, the tears still fresh on her pinky cheeks and her hand grasped on her round belly.
"I… We need to see Dr Harlan" finally said Glenn, gesturing to his very pregnant wife. "and we need… We need to see Paul."
"Jesus?" asked a woman they'd never seen before. "He's out on a hunt for now. He's supposed to come back soon, thought".
Maggie nodded, and Glenn led her to the infirmary trailer without wasting any more time. Almost as a reflex, Aaron and Sasha followed them, disappearing inside the doctor's office. The rest of the group stayed silent for a long moment, some people passing by looking at them with a strange expression. Finally, Kal spoke again, feeling the tension in the group.
"She's gonna be okay, you know?" he said, nodding in direction of the infirmary. "Harlan's a good doctor."
Abraham nodded. They didn't know what to do, waiting for the diagnostic, and eventually, curious people went away. Only Kal stayed, looking every bit as worried as he was a few minutes before.
"We lost someone" finally said Carl, his voice shaky with emotion. "Coming here. We lost someone."
Kal frowned.
"Negan?"
"Yes."
He didn't need to say more, really. Kal's expression said it all. His eyes fell on the caravan behind them, a questioning look on his face.
"He's inside." finally said Rosita. "We need… we need to burry him."
"Who is it?"
But before Rick could answer the question, the gates opened behind them. They all turned around, only to be greeted by Jesus' entrance inside his community, a warm smile on his face.
"Oh, hey Rick" greeted the young man, eyes shining with curiosity, looking at the familiar faces gathered around the caravan. "What are you doing here?"
His arms were full with a few squirrels, rabbits and tiny creatures he had hunted down himself, just as the woman had told them. Rick's eyes fell on the traps on his hands, as well as Daryl's old crossbow secured on his back. He suddenly felt sick again. How did he miss that? How could anyone have missed their relationship, when everything looked so obvious now that they knew? Paul's bright blue eyes, now concerned, were gazing at him, and Rick felt himself in lost for words.
"Maggie…" began Rosita, sensing that her leader was struggling with his emotions. "Maggie needed to see Harlan."
"Is everything okay with the baby?" asked Paul quickly, now fully alarmed. He let go of the dead animals, as well as the crossbow, passing everything to a very stunned and annoyed Kal. "Is Glenn with her? Daryl?"
"No.. Paul, they-"
The young woman was cut off by Paul running to the infirmary, leaving them behind. Rick's eyes fell to the dirt at his feet when he realized fully how hard the situation was going to be once he'd told him, and he felt Michonne take his shaky hand into hers.
"We need to tell him" she emphasized, the ring in her pocket weighting even more than before. "Rick, we need to tell him before he finds out on his own."
The leader nodded. As much as he wanted to push back the fatal moment when Paul would learn that his lover was dead, he had to tell him.
"Yeah, I know."
Gesturing for Carl, Eugene, Rosita and Abraham to stay by the caravan with a nod, they both followed the scout into the trailer. He was already inside, fully by Maggie's side now; and Rick noticed for the first time how shaken everyone looked. Maggie was white, quite literally. All color had drained from her face and she was holding Glenn's hand in her own, both of them spread on her growing belly. Sasha was still crying softly in Aaron's arms. Jesus' slight panic looked almost ridiculous, compared to them all.
"What's happening, Harlan?" asked Paul, frowning. "What's wrong with her? The baby?"
Only now did Maggie, Glenn, Sasha and Aaron seamed to realize that the scout was in the room. Maggie's eyes found Rick's, and he made a slight "no" gesture with his head. She let out another sob at the sight, clutching Glenn's hand tighter, before Harlan's voice broke the silence.
"It's okay, Maggie. You and the baby will be fine, everything is all right."
Rick was pretty sure that everyone stopped listening to the doctor at this point. Something was wrong with the placenta, and she needed to take it easy for the rest of her pregnancy, but it didn't matter. They were safe. Both of them. They wouldn't lose another person this night.
"Oh my God, I was so scared for a moment there" said Paul, moving towards the bed to kiss Maggie's left brow affectionally, his constant smile back on his face. "You all looked like someone had died, I just imagined the worst."
And just like that, the short joy they had felt at the announcement fell down once again.
"Paul, can we talk?" asked Rick, his voice way clearer than he had thought.
The young man turned his head to look at him, surprised.
"Oh, yeah, of course. Harlan, could you give us a moment?"
"I don't know… I don't know if this is a good idea" insisted Rick, uneasy, when the door closed behind the obstetrician. "We should talk together, in private."
"Why? Don't they know what this discussion's about?" asked the scout again, looking even more surprised now, gesturing to the Alexandrians around them.
Only then he seamed to realize with the movement of his hand how few of them were in the room, and how shaken they were. He frowned, looking a them one by one. Their gazes were running away from his and falling to the floor in front of their feet, tears running down their worn out faces silently.
"Rick? What's happening?" he looked around again, searching for someone that would inevitably be absent. Swallowing to ease his dry throat, he continued."Where's Daryl?"
Maggie let out another ugly cry, hiding her face in Glenn's shirt, her husband shushing her with light caress on the back. Paul turned around to look at her, face blank, then back at Rick.
"Rick?" he pressed again, with more insistence. "Where's Daryl?"
His voice wasn't as steady as before, this time. And Rick felt his threaterous eyes let out a single tear, which rolled down his cheek and into his beard. He cleared his throat, trying to compose himself a little, fighting his own pain to hold the younger man's gaze.
"Negan…" he said, voice hoarse. "We ran into Negan on the road."
When silence filled the room after that revelation, Paul blinked once, then twice, and finally turned around to look at the rest of them for some kind of support, body frozen in shock.
"Where's Daryl?" he asked again, this time with anger. He eventually turned back to the leader of the group, his eyes as cold as his voice when he found nothing but grief in his friend's eyes too. "Rick, where is Daryl?"
Behind him, Sasha's cries were silent, but her erratic breathing was the only sound filling the big room. Rick could see that the young scout knew exactly what he was about to tell him, but somehow, he was still clutching desperately to the tiniest bit of hope at the back of his buzzy mind.
"Negan killed him" he blurted out, feeling himself break down completely with the words. "He killed him, right in front of us. Daryl is dead, Paul. Daryl… Daryl is gone."
Paul did not move, did not blink. He didn't even look like he was still breathing, frozen in the middle of the room, looking at Rick with an incredulous expression. Then, after a pregnant pause, he opened his mouth again.
"No. He did not… No. I don't believe you" his voice broke at the end of his sentence, his eyes filing with water. "I don't believe you. Tell me where he is, Rick."
"He's telling the truth" whispered Michonne, taking a step ahead of the younger man, who jerked away almost immediately, finally breaking down.
"Don't! Don't touch me!" screamed the scout, now shaking with force, obviously trying to stay composed as much as he could, while his entire world was falling apart. "I wanna see him, Rick, tell me where he is!"
Rick knew he should have been stronger. At this moment, facing the man he had failed by his ignorance of his relationship with his own brother, he knew he should have been the rock that Paul needed desperately. But he couldn't do it, he realized, and let out another sob when Paul fell to his knees, hiding his face in his hands.
"Please, I wanna see him" cried the young scout, each of his heartbreaking sob slicing the hearts of Daryl's family once again. "I wanna see him, please. I need to see him."
Maggie got up of the bed almost immediately, ignoring Glenn's noises of protest. She got on her knees next to the younger man and tucked him against her chest, which only made him cry harder. They all knew they shouldn't stay there, witnessing the pain making its way through Paul's entire body and ravaging his heart, but they couldn't back away. Not now, not when they had failed both Daryl and Paul for so long. Daryl wouldn't have wanted them to leave him behind, and Paul was family, too. The ring in Michonne's hand was the proof of that statement.
"I'm so sorry, Paul" whispered Maggie against his hair, caressing it lightly. "I'm so sorry."
The scout's green beanie was long forgotten, discarded on the floor, and Rick did not even remember him taking it off during their discussion. Paul's long hair was falling on his face, sticking to his cheek because of the fresh tears smearing his skin. Maggie was trying as best as she could to take care of him, to push his hair back and comfort him against her chest, but the young man was still shaking like a leaf, grief too fresh to ignore. To many, including most of the people in the room, Paul was always Jesus, the always composed leader of Hilltop. Everyone relayed on Jesus, for the tiniest thing, really. But right now, before their very eyes, Jesus was only Paul. Paul, the man who just lost the one he loved, and did not care about appearances.
"He wanted you to have this" finally said Michonne, kneeling in front of him too, putting a hand on his knee. "He wanted you to have it"
It was his last wish, thought Rick. The last thought he had kept preciously, smile plastered to his bleeding face when Negan's bat had taken away his life.
Michonne opened her fingers to reveal the golden ring shining in her palm, while Maggie's hands clenched the younger man tighter against her. Paul opened his eyes eventually, red, puffy and shiny with tears, and he let out a strangled cry that echoed in the infirmary.
"Why are you doing this?" he finally spitted after another sob, pushing Michonne away, breaking Maggie's hold on his shoulders. "Why the fuck do you care, anyway? You didn't even know we were together."
He hit the back of Michonne's hand, the ring falling on the cold floor in a ticking sound. Although he was still shaking, he got up, heading to the door.
"Paul" whispered Rick, grabbing the scout by the arm as gently as he could.
But the young man was not as gentle when he broke his hold, twisting Rick's arm behind his back and pushing him against the white wall with force.
"Do not touch me" he snarled, anger taking over his grief. "Do not touch me ever again. Do not call me Paul, because you have no fucking right to do so. Do not pretend to care about my feelings, my life, or my relationship with Daryl."
"Jesus!" shouted Glenn, trying to get the younger man to back off when Rick let out a pained noise, the scout's hold on his arm tightening.
"Glenn, don't" managed to choke his leader, pushing back the pain in his injured limb.
Jesus finally let go of the man, looking at him with anger and resentment when Rick turned around to face him.
"I don't want to see you ever again" he growled, tears streaming down his face again. "Any of you."
"Please, don't do that" Rick tried again when Paul headed to the door. "Don't. You'll only regret it."
"Do you think you are strong enough to hold me inside these walls, Rick Grimes? I'd like to see you try. Good thing you don't have to pretend to care about me anymore, now that Daryl is gone."
The resentment was clear in his voice, and finally, Rick gave up. He let his arms fall by his sides in defeat, knowing that he would only make things worst by trying to talk the young man out of it. With a final heated glance, Paul was out of the room.
See you soon for the final chapter! xx