So, I decided to keep this going after all. This will likely remain a series of one shots, because I'm mostly using these fics to get the mindset of the characters right for my upcoming, full length Avengers fic. So far, Bruce and Steve remain the most critical to my storyline, but I'll likely do most of the others. Does anyone have a preference?
He starts every morning, not with a cup of coffee, but by staring at himself in the mirror.
Bruce Banner is not a narcissistic man, quite the opposite. If you ask anyone, they would say that he, in fact, has a rather lower opinion of himself. He is never one to be called self-obsessed. He doesn't start his day in self reflection because he enjoys it. He does it because he has to. He does it, not because he's afraid of what others will see, but because he's afraid of what he will see. He's scared of the face that looks back at him.
On his worst days, he sees green. Not necessarily because he's angry. It could be anything: a harsh truth about his condition coming from Fury; a subtle flinch away when he stands near Natasha; even Tony's careless comments about his Hulk-outs. Whenever he feels most vulnerable, Hulk is there. His brown eyes will meet green ones in the mirror, and the severity of his situation hits him suddenly. They're right, they're all right. He is dangerous. He is unpredictable. He is volatile. Knowing these things about his self hurts, but knowing that his team is aware of those facts hurts even more.
The first time, he breaks the mirror. He's almost unaware as he lunges out with a fist and shatters the glass. The pain is sharp at first, and the glass embedded in his knuckles stings with its own Fury, but he doesn't transform. Maybe it's because he's not angry. He's helpless. A rush of endorphins soon alleviates the pain as adrenaline surges through his body. He pulls the glass splinters out, one by one, and the blood stained pieces fall to the floor to join the rest. Not five minutes later, Tony practically breaks down the door as he forces his way, wide eyed, in to Bruce's room. Upon seeing Bruce sitting there, cross-legged in a pile of glass, pulling shards of the same out of his hand, Tony doesn't say anything. The next day, Bruce has a new mirror; one that is supposedly shatter-proof.
There are days when the reflection that he sees is his own. Days when things seem to go alright; he smiles, he laughs, he does science. He helps people. To anyone else, days like this are common, everyday occurrences. To others, these days are few and far between. Whatever the case, they're usually a crowd favourite. Not for Bruce. These days are the ones he fears the most. The days when he is most happy, the most content, are the days that set his teeth on edge, and send dark thoughts and nightmares into his mind. He's afraid because he knows that they can't last.
He'll snap eventually, he knows it. It won't take much. Someone could look at him the wrong way, and he'll lose it. It could be Tony that sends him over the edge in one of his crazed attempts of showing Bruce his trust. Maybe they'll be on a mission, and Hulk just won't stop smashing. And then they'll all be dead. Smashed. Crushed. Broken. Bleeding red. Red and green. It will all be his fault. He'll lose everything, and it will all be his fault.
He fears himself even more than he fears the Other Guy. Hulk is a monster; everyone knows that. He can be suppressed, he can be imprisoned and controlled, and everyone will know that despite everything, Hulk is and can always be a monster. But what about Bruce? Is it just that one side of him that hurts people; that wants to see them dead? Or does the man, the scientist, ever want that too? He's just as capable of hurting the people he loves and he knows it. In the end, that's why he always leaves. That's why he isolates himself, even when he's with his team. It's not because the Hulk will hurt them. It's so that he, Bruce Banner, won't.
He learns to appreciate the days where he sees green. They, at least, feel real to him. On those days, he knows just who he is. He's the man who hides the monster. He knows why he does it, too. He does it to protect everyone; his friends, his neighbours, the world. That is his reality. Control. His entire life focuses around control, and maintaining it. Everything else is just a distraction, and he can't afford to be distracted. No one else can afford for him to be distracted either.
On the days where he sees himself, he realizes his sad truth. Bruce Banner does not mask the Hulk. The Hulk masks Bruce Banner. He uses the Other Guy as a shield, to deflect anyone who might get too close to him. Close enough for him, for Bruce, to hurt them. He will not be his father. He will not hurt the people he loves. So he chooses not to love anyone. He will bear his burden alone, because that way, he's the only one that will get hurt.
He walks away from the mirror every morning, resigning himself to that fact. He downs a pot of coffee, because it's what he's expected to do. He jokes with Tony. He shares a laugh with Pepper about her boyfriend's antics. He explains the 21rst century to Steve. He tolerates Clint and tries his best to reassure Natasha. But he doesn't let them get too close. As soon as they try, he shuts down. He reverts to his fallback; his constant anger, and the Hulk. It's the only defence he has.
It's the only way he can save them from himself.
He searches for a cure, but the attempt is only half hearted. Because if he succeeds, then his mask is gone, and his team will see the real monster. Not the Hulk, but him. Every morning, he secretly hopes that he'll see the green, because then he knows that his reality is still safe. The others are safe. His secret is safe.
Every morning, he hopes that it's not his own reflection that he sees, but the Other Guy.
Because there are worse things to fear.