Author's Note: Okay, so I planned on leaving this as a one-shot but TheCuteLittleAngel's review convinced me to do a sort of follow up. Also, TheCuteLittleAngel & BRH, can I offer you guys love notes or something? Your reviews made me so happy. :)
Warnings: More Crack. You have been warned. Anachronism (References to BBC's Sherlock in 2009. I just noticed. *Bashes head into wall* Although, I wasn't off by THAT much.
"I'm not desperate; Nope, not a bit."
His mirror didn't look very convinced.
He just happened to find Kurt's derrière, his French was still perfect, thank you very much mamán, rather appealing.
When he showed up at Kurt's high school the following day, it was surprising how much youngsters put on their Facebook profile, he had freshly washed bright blue boxers in his back pocket.
With a casual grace that he shouldn't have had because he had fluorescent blue boxers hanging from his pocket, he strolled into McKinley and headed to the main office.
The school secretary was a beast with an almost mustache and "I-woke-up-this-morning-and-didn't-care-enough-to-brush-my-teeth" breath.
"Excuse me, do you know where Kurt Hummel is?"
The woman didn't look up from her bodice-ripper novel. Pop! The bubblegum she had been chewing blew up and stuck to one of her facial hairs. Lovely.
"Excuse me Ms..." Quick look at the name plaque on her desk, "Ms. Brown. Where can I find Kurt Hummel?" Emphasis on the 'where'.
She turns a page.
Sebastian slips her a mint-condition 1934 five-hundred dollar bill. Somewhere in bumfuck cemetery, his Great-Grandpa's cadaver starts to cry worms.
She snatches the bill and shoves it into her bra.
"Glee club. Now get out of my office."
Sebastian hightails it out of there before he has to see any more female parts.
He doesn't know where the Glee club actually is.
So, he does what he usually does: verbally abuse someone into giving him information.
"Hey, you, jewfro with beaver teeth! Where's the Glee club?"
"I don't see the point of telling y-" Jewfro pauses, "are those bright sky blue boxers hanging out of your pocket?"
"Yes. They belong to Kurt and I'm trying to return them."
"WAIT, VIRGIN ICE QUEEN KURT HUMMEL GAVE YOU HIS UNDERWEAR?" Jewfro's teeth clank together as he excitedly chews through a random piece of wood.
When'd he get the wood?
"He's not really a virgin Ice Queen anymore. He lost that somewhere near the second round."
Jewfro faints.
Fuck his luck.
This time, he uses the improv method.
The improv method is actually just him running into classrooms and shouting that he's returning Kurt Hummel's underwear.
Mr. Likely-to-suffer-from-male-pattern-baldness-in-the-future glares/shoots envious looks at him.
So far, only two teachers have had nervous breakdowns.
He really needs to brush up his skills if he wants to beat his dad.
Turns out that ninth time is the charm. (Who knew that they'd have a singing club in a choir room?)
"Kurt! I have your girly underwear here and I'm trying to return it!"
The group of teens and a man with a mop glued to his scalp stare at him in shock.
Kurt blushes.
"Um, Kurt, who's the pedophile holding your boxers?"
"That's my boyfriend, Mercedes." Well, that was unnatural shade of red.
Everyone suddenly started to talk.
"How the hell did pasty faced gay kid manage to lure a hot guy into his bed?" – Hispanic girl with a too short skirt.
"We're being invaded by dolphins, Sanny! Does that mean there'll be more rainbow babies?" –blonde girl with a dopey grin and her pinkie linked with short-skirt girl.
"I always expected you to end up with a dapper hobbit for some reason…" – Stuttering Goth Asian. She had lovely highlights, if he did say so himself.
"…" Token male black kid and other Asian.
"KURT, YOU'RE GAY?" – Tall kid.
"MY FATHERS WILL BE CONTACTING THE SCHOOL ABOUT THIS!" – Angry hobbit thing with a stupid cat sweater.
"Wow. Even gay kid managed to score." – Kid with squirrel glued to his head.
"Get your mack on, yo!" – Kid with awful ghetto impression.
Sure, there were other kids who said other stuff but they didn't really matter.
"Anyway, Kurt, here's your underwear. I took the liberty of washing them and sowing my name into the side so that everyone knows you're mine."
Kurt shot him an unimpressed look as Sebastian threw his underwear at him.
"Are you leaving now?
"Eh, I decided that since I was nice enough to return your boxers instead of using them as jerking off fodder," hobbit, tall kid and a couple of the others blanched, "that I deserve a reward."
With ease, Sebastian threw Kurt over his shoulder and walked out of the room, the others too shocked to do anything.
Then, Matt Rutherford spoke his first words (in McKinley, at least):
"Mr. Schue, did you just let Kurt leave with a man who's suspiciously reminiscent of Humbert Humbert?"
"I believe I just did Rachel. I believe I just did..."
"Mr. Schue, I'm not–"
"Rachel, I've had one too many shocks today. Leave the whole 'Matt-isn't-mute' thing for tomorrow, okay?"
Matt gave the real Rachel a look. She replied to Mr. Schue with an "okay".
He didn't notice the difference and continued to slam his head into a wall instead.