Chapter 1-The Portal Opens

I was out doing my usual thang, chop, wank, drink, smoke, wank, wank, eat, cry, sleep, repeat. My cozy cabin was looking pretty sexy and the sun was high in the sky, and then my pager beeped.

"Get on the fucking computer you fucking degenerate." -Gordon

My eyes and dick bulged. Gordon hasn't paged me in over a year. Something must've been going down. I went to my new and improved Beef Wellington™ supercomputer, and opened up Skype. Next thing I knew Gordon's tasty face filled the screen.

"What's up, Chef Daddy?" I said in a hyper-sexualized tone

"Shut the fuck up you fucking knobgobbler." Gordon screamed, then composed himself

"Raiden, there's trouble in the universe. The LambSauce, it's gotten a lot deeper than we've could've imagined."

"Deeper than my asshole?" I said trying to turn on the Cexy Chef.

"FOCUS….there's been a disturbance in the timelines. Raiden, I have a lot to tell you, so go rub one out so you can pay attention." Gordon buttoned up his hot chef's jacket and put on his reading glasses.

I sighed, pulled down my pj's, and began to stroke my cock.

"NOT TO ME YOU FUCKING FAGGOT" Gordon screamed "GO JERK OFF IN THE BEDROOM OR SOMETHING FOR GOD SAKES!"

I did as I was told and came twice in 5 minutes. When I came back Gordon ran through the whole situation.

"Like I said, there's been a disturbance in the timelines. Someone in an adjacent timeline has unleashed a devastating power on both of our timelines. There's only one thing I know of that can cause that much destruction. The forbidden LambSauce, said to be the purest LambSauce in the universe, mixed by Tibetan monks over a millennium ago. I thought they had it locked away, but obviously, someone got it. I'm not exactly sure who it was, but I did get this transmission from a contact in the adjacent timeline."

Just then, Gordon's face switched to a transmission screen, what followed next 2sp00ked me 2 the bones.

"Plays Mistuh Juffson, don b so means to meh I b gud frum naw on."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP KATE. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU SOUND LIKE A RETARD FROM ALABAMA ANYWAYS, THIS IS FUCKING OREGON."

"Awww naawww mistuh juffson, i dunno wur deh boo-hurred gurl dun gon'"

"FUCK IT, YOU'RE GETTING THE BALL GAG"

The transmission ended with the sound of buzzsaws and covered screaming, then Gordon continued:

"As you can see, whomever this Mister Jefferson is, we gotta find him, and stop him. The LambSauce may be able to wipe out both timelines, but it holds much more power than that"

"And what would the be?" I said like a cool spy dude

"Well, it can give the user superhuman strength, speed, agility, invisibility, and a swathe of other power. It can also heal common ailments and horrible injuries, but most of all it can resurrect the dead, but I'm sure that last part won't be necessary in the future."

I spoke up: "So, what should I do?"

"First off, go find Daniel-san and take him to the coordinates I'm sending to you now. The next thing to do is to keep a watchful eye out for things that don't quite fit in this world. From what I've gathered of the adjacent timeline, everyone is an edgy hipster faggot with an unquenchable thirst for soy, and happens to find time to inject passive-aggressive bullshit into literally everything they say. They're also hipster, so they carry around obsolete bullshit. Be careful Raiden, they aren't all there. And watch out for inter-dimensional portals, they will pop up randomly and more frequently depending on how unstable the user of the LambSauce becomes, any question?"

"...can I take your plane?" I asked shyly.

"Take a taxi you lazy fuck" Gordon spurted and went offline. I went and got on my unitard with the patented GR on the front, and looked out the window just in time to see one of those portals open up, and a sexxxy qt3.14 shoot out and into the creek beside muh cabin.