Welcome to Capitulo Dos! This is where Tails gets introduced…and I've decided to look at Tails in a VERY NEW WAY that hasn't been looked at before for this particular game. I think you'll find it interesting…
Tails was flying over Station Square. He said "Whoaaaaaa, man…this is a nice view!" Suddenly, his plane started shaking underneath him.
He then said "Uh-oh! I'm feeling a disturbance in the vibes, man! This can't be good…", and his plane started falling to the ground…in the middle of the city!
THE PLAYER is asking "Who the hell gave him a pilot's license? That person should be taken out and shot…"
Tails pulled up the plane, then said 'WHOA! There it is…a dragon, man!" and he started literally (or metaphysically?) chasing the dragon. Again, while in the middle of the city.
As people saw him flying by, they started running indoors for safety. Tails had now successfully caused more panic in the city within a few minutes than Eggman had done throughout his entire career of trying to terrorize Station Square. How sad.
While this was going on, Tails yelled "I'M GOING TO CATCH YOU, YOU BASTARD!", and he continued to chase after the imaginary dragon.
As this happened, one of the people of Station Square came out of their home with a shotgun in hand, and started impulsively firing rounds at Tails. Because that's what you do when a plane nearby is out of control. You shoot at it.
Suddenly, Tails' plane was hit by one of the bullets and he started losing altitude. He said "Bummer, man. That dragon must have got me real good! I'm goin' dowwwwwwn…"
Meanwhile, Sonic was relaxing at a hotel. He yawned, then "Finally, I don't have to worry about some stupid monsters or stupid evil villains or stupid friends in trouble-AW (bleep)!" he yelled as he noticed Tails crash on the beach.
As Tails crashed, Sonic's hair noticeably stuck up. There is simply no physical explanation for how one can have THAT much control over their hair. "Stupid Tails and his constant crashing…and who has to save his sorry ass? I have to!" muttered Sonic as he got off of the chair he had been resting on.
As he headed toward the beach, he passed by two hot chicks in bikinis. Sonic said "Hmmm…I can go and rescue my dumbass friend, or stay with these two hot chicks and try to get some action!" He thought for a second, then said "I'm going with the friend."
THE PLAYER is yelling "Are you kidding me? It's things like this that make the yaoi fan girls think you're gay for Tails!"
Sonic ignored this comment and continued on into the beach. And no, it was NOT a nude beach. Get those dirty thoughts out of your head!
On the beach, Sonic encountered his first level in the game. In this, he immediately started off with some destruction of beach property, which was the perfect reason for him to get arrested after this level!
Then he had to face some very annoying robot monkeys. After getting blown up by their bombs for the 300th time, Sonic yelled "Go back to where you belong…in testing labs for cosmetics!"
As Sonic started jumping on trampolines and going at a rate which defied all laws of acceleration, some dolphins jumped by him and just missed hitting him. To THE PLAYER, it honestly looks like those dolphins are trying to kill him.
Soon, Sonic went onto a platform which he couldn't go off the side of…mainly because of the cords on the side that bounced him back. THE PLAYER says "Wait, when did this place become a wrestling arena?" Sonic just bounced around, saying "Whee! I can totally kick Hulk Hogan's ass now!"
As Sonic continued through the level, he finally got to a really long stretch of dock over water. He noticed a killer whale jump over him, and he suddenly had the impulse to shout at the whale "Go, Willy, go! Be free!"
But as he continued on, the whale suddenly destroyed the part of the dock he had been standing on…and chased after him. THE PLAYER shouts " This is RIDICULOUS! Killer whales, despite their name, are supposed to be really peaceful creatures towards humans! Though I guess not hedgehogs…"
After Sonic narrowly avoided getting eaten by the whale in an epic chase scene, he then collapsed on the beach panting. "SAVE THE WHALES, MY ASS!" he declared, followed by "When this level's done, I'm going to grab a harpoon, hop on a boat out to sea, and 'boost the blubber economy'!" And so Sonic the Environmentalist continued on his way.
He eventually came to a waterfall grotto where he could run up along a wall to hit an item. To THE PLAYER this looks like a pair of super-fast shoes, but in reality it was something even faster for Sonic…a cappuccino. And that's how Sonic the Hedgehog became Sonic the Rocket in one second.
"Hoy(bleep)ona(bleep)sandwich!" he yelled in a hyper tone as he went through a shortcut that sent him past a ton of SUPER-ANNOYING robots. Soon he approached some spiked guillotines that were in his path, going up and down. THE PLAYER has already seen plenty of ridiculous stuff on this beach, but these new obstacles top it.
With some good timing, Sonic went through them all and soon encountered something even more stupid than the guillotines…a yellow pad on the ground. Sonic stood on it and said "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"
But as he tried jumping, he was suddenly teleported to another area in the level. Sonic kept jumping from portal to portal, saying "Beam me up, Scotty!" each time and causing THE PLAYER to want to strangle him. Despite the fact that teleportation is physically impossible, Sonic got through that area just fine and finished the rest of the level with ease.
As he went down the final stretch towards the plane crash, some dolphins jumped over him. Sonic yelled "AUGH! Those killer dolphins have been stalking me this whole time!" and he ran towards the wreckage.
As Sonic got there, he noticed that Tails was still unconscious. Sonic said "Oh no! What do I do?"
ALL YAOI FAN GIRLS are yelling "Give him CPR! We need our romantic kiss scene!"
Sonic heard that and said "Ugh. Maybe I should've stayed with those bikini chicks after all…"
Tails woke up at this moment to see Sonic standing over him. Sonic offered his hand and Tails took it to get up, while ALL YAOI FAN GIRLS are chanting "Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss…"
Sonic then yelled "STOP IT!"
-
When Sonic and Tails got back to the hotel, Sonic asked Tails "What the (bleep) did you do now?"
Tails responded by saying "Where do I start, man? Crack, heroin, weed, Blue Bombers, Orange Downers, Green Uppers…" and THE PLAYER realizes that there's a reason why Tails' theme song for this game says "I Want to Fly High".
Sonic said "And why were you flying that new plane for? You can always use my plane, The Tornado…"
And Tails interrupted by saying "Wait…it's still YOUR plane?! Isn't it now in MY garage?"
Sonic said "Ummm…yeah. I've still got the legal ownership of it!"
Tails shook his head and said "Oh (bleep), man…I've got to go clean out some of my 'essentials' that I stored in there!"
Sonic then yelled "TAILS! I don't want my plane to be used for drug trafficking!" causing stares from everyone around. This in turn caused Sonic and Tails to run off and threaten people to say they heard nothing.
After that long conflict was resolved, Sonic finally asked "What were you doing with flying a plane over Station Square, anyways?"
Tails responded by saying "Oh! This is sweet, man! I was searching around and I thought of a great idea for a power source in my planes…", and he pulled out a purple jewel, saying "A CRACK ROCK!"
Sonic sighed and then said 'Tails…that's not a crack rock, but a Chaos Emerald. They're two completely different things-HOLY (bleep), YOU HAVE A CHAOS EMERALD?!" as the slow but sudden realization came to Sonic.
Tails looked at the "crack rock" and then said "Oh yeah. I guess I do!"
This caused him to remember something. "Hey! I remembered something, man!" he said in order to prove that he was not paying attention to the narration…hey, that kind of rhymed!
Sonic then said "What did you remember?"
Tails said "What? Oh, (bleep)…" and he shook his head. "I forgot" he said, followed by "Oh yeah! I've got something very special to show you at my Mystic Ruins workshop!"
Sonic responded by saying "…Are you hitting on me?" ALL YAOI FAN GIRLS are praying that this is so.
Tails suddenly blinked and said "NO!"
When Sonic and Tails got in front of the train station, Sonic asked "How high are you right now? We don't want to get caught under the influence!"
Tails replied "I don't know, man. Hmmm…well, my tails are telling me to kill people…is that okay?"
Sonic slowly backed away from Tails and said "Ummm…I think there's some Scooby Snacks down there for you!", pointing to the sewers next to Twinkle Park.
Tails said "REALLY? Give me them! I'm suddenly hungry!", and Tails ran off towards the sewers, following his munchies.
Sonic then said "Phew! Now that the annoyance is off my back for a bit…I'd better check out what he's talking about!", so Sonic boarded on a train to the Mystic Ruins.
In the sewers, Tails was starting to give up on finding the Scooby Snacks when he noticed a hole in the top that led to a room above.
He used his tails to fly up in there, and his lifted tails caused his ass to stick up in a position that would be used in a number of EXTREMELY DISTURBING Sonic/Tails yaoi sex fics. THE PLAYER grabs another barf bag upon realizing this, and uses it fully.
In the room, Tails went over to a corner where he saw...the light! It yelled "Hey! Look!" and flew around a note on the ground.
Tails said to the light "SHUT UP!" before grabbing the note to read it. On it was scribbled:
To whatever poser is reading this,
I have chosen to take these rocket shoes, because I'm going to need them in my quest to become the top bishie of this game series. Prepare for my debut in future games…as it will shake that blue faker to his core! To replace the rocket shoes, I have placed here something that will make one equally as fast…a can of Red Bull.
Yours, Shadow T. Hedgehog
P.S. See you next game, suckers!
Tails said "I wonder who that is? Well, I'm sure he will NEVER take Sonic's spot as the top bishie of this series!", showing that Tails was horrible at predicting the future.
When Tails picked up the can of Red Bull, the light said "Hey! Listen! You have found a can of Red Bull. This will really charge you up, but on the downside one of its ingredients is rumored to be actually bull sem-" but Tails chugged the can before he could hear the word that would've completely changed his mind about drinking it.
THE PLAYER, however, has heard that urban legend and promptly grabs yet another barf bag. He/she has a very weak stomach.
A few seconds later, people out on the street saw the building Tails was in literally explode as Tails flew out, yelling "RED BULL GIVES YOU WIIIINGS!"
On the train, Sonic was glad to be rid of that annoyance when he suddenly saw it fly by his train window towards the Mystic Ruins. Sonic said "Damn it! I guess I'm stuck with that idiot…"
THE PLAYER resists the urge to say "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black…"
In the next chapter…Sonic and Tails meet a giant Russian walrus-oh wait, that's Eggman! Remember to review…and especially to mention whatever the funniest parts/quotes were to you. I'm always curious to know what jokes can really strike the funny bone in a person!