Chapter Two

Neither spoke for several minutes, because neither knew what to say; no matter what was said, it would not change the fact that their Special Agent, Mike Renko was gone. She stared mutely, melancholy, and mutinously at the gravestone. She braced herself firmer on the ground with her hands as her fingers dug into the dirt, and the patches of fake grass that would be there until the real grass had a chance to regrow on the new grave.

Nell was the one to break the silence. She had decided that she did not want to explain her presence, the true reasoning why she had been caught grieving at the Special Agent's grave. Although, she did not want to explain, she started to give a weak, vague explanation, because she felt as if he would want one. "Callen," She said, knowing whom it was behind her without looking. She felt his presence, knew his presence, had learned it just as she had the rest of the team's in the last two years with the OSP. "It breaks my heart," She whispered. She closed her eyes and continued vaguely, attempting to come off as detached, "He didn't deserve what happened to him. He had..."

"Nell, don't." He interrupted her recognizing what she was doing. He stated gruffly from his crouched position, his feet firmly on the ground, behind her, "Don't pretend, not with me."

"Pretend?" She repeated then swallowed in distaste as her stomach clenched. She was nauseous. She had come to the conclusion that the stress and grief over the past few weeks had made her body sick. Every morning and sometimes throughout the day since Mike's death she vomited or dry heaved. It was becoming an issue, because both Eric and Hetty had started questioning whether she was okay. The rest of the team, being out in the field for the most part, had yet to witness her bolt from the Operations Center to the nearest restroom.

As she replayed what Callen said and how he had said it, she opened her eyes in realization. Her mouth opened in shock, before she closed it, because after a moment of consideration, it did not shock her. After all, Mike himself had once told her that he considered Callen, his first NCIS partner to be a big brother, his best friend. "You know."

"Yes," He replied then swallowed. "I know." His voice became rougher and rawer. "I'm sorry, Nell." He shuddered as he fought for a breath. "I should have protected him. If," He exhaled loudly; the breath that he had inhaled had been shaky and strangling. "If I could, I'd go back and take his place. I should have done more so that he would come home to you..."

Her spine went rigid and her eyes hardened. Slowly, she raised from her position, so that her back was straight, her knees still on the ground, in an almost kneeling position. She interrupted him, "Callen," She said as she turned toward him. The rest of what she had wanted to say was left unspoken. She blinked at the sight of tears flowing down his face, his blue eyes clearer than she had ever seen them and yet the most haunted. The pieces of her broken heart cracked at the sight of his anguish. She sobbed and wrapped her arms around his neck and placed a cheek against his. Seeing his anguish pushed her further into her own grief. She knew that this tragedy was real, but seeing her own pain in someone else's eyes, specifically his, made it even more real. He was always in control, even more so than she, and seeing him vulnerable made her feel as if it were acceptable for her to be, too.

He wrapped his arms around her and their embrace became a lifeline for the other. His knees fell to the ground as he tightened his hold around the grieving younger woman. He slid his cheek across hers, their tears mingling, matching grief to grief. As he talked and breathed, his lips moved against her right ear, the warm air made her involuntarily shudder. She sobbed as he continued to apologize to her. "I'm sorry." He repeated the apology over and over as new tears continued to fall from both of their eyes.

She moved her arms so that she was no longer halfway strangling him. Her arms wrapped around his arms and her hands clasped behind his back. She slid her cheek across his, the stubble on his jaw scratched and reddened her alabaster skin, until her lips were a centimeter away from his ear.

"It...wasn't...your...fault," She whispered raspily in between sobs, though a part of her did blame him. She blamed herself. She blamed the entire team. She blamed Granger. She blamed Mike, himself. She blamed Marcel Janvier. She blamed Callen for not killing the monster when he had the chance, but she knew that vocalizing and confirming that blame, would neither make Mike materialize or help Callen come to terms with what happened. She hated being the smart one, the logical one, because even when her heart hurt, and did it ever, her mind analyzed and rationalized.

"Yes, it was." He growled against the sensitive skin of her neck. She shuddered in response. He reminded forcefully, "I said, don't pretend with me..."

"Callen," She tried to interrupt, but was unsuccessful.

The grip his arms had around her tightened. He shook his head making his lips run across the bare skin of her neck and upper parts of her collar bone, causing gooseflesh in their wake. She felt a jolt of physical awareness that made her feel dirty, as if she was desecrating both Mike's memory and resting place. She shook the awareness off though the gooseflesh lingered on her skin. "No...Nell. Janvier went after Mike, because of me." His voice was raw, rough, and broken unaware of her reaction, her thoughts. "He knew." He stated, his mouth dry. He closed his eyes. "He knew that I loved Mike. He knew that Mike mattered to me in a way that Sam never has."

"Shh," She whispered, her heart breaking even more so. She experienced so many emotions she felt confused, overwhelmed. However, if she was certain of one thing it was the love she felt for Mike. She vocalized that love into a heartbreaking declaration. "I loved him, too, so very much."

Neither spoke for several moments as they alternated between heavy breathing, cries, and sobs.

Callen broke the silence with a confession, "He loved you so much, you know?" She nodded in reply, but froze when she heard him continue, revealing something about Mike that she had not known, "He came to see me before his last Op started..."

She leaned back away from the embrace, though did not pull away from it. She interrupted him, "What? You knew about the Gun Range?"

"No," He answered truthfully, his voice raw. "He couldn't give me specifics, but he told me that when the Op was over he was..." He paused, now uncertain whether he should have started to tell her, because it could cause her more pain.

"What, Callen?" She asked, her voice exhibiting the desperation and exhaustion she felt. "What was he going to do?" She asked the more elaborate question, but when Callen looked away toward the gravestone, she stated, "I know that he was going to take the position at the L.A. Field Office."

He shuddered and swallowed. His blue eyes met her haunted hazel and he asked, his voice thick with emotion and regret, "Did he tell you why?"

"He was tired of Vance pestering him to take the promotion to lead his own team." She replied, her brow furrowing as an uneasy feeling of apprehension trailed down her spine. "That wasn't the reason, was it?"

"Maybe, but it wasn't the only reason." He answered, but added slowly to gauge her reaction, afraid that she would bolt and she was in no shape to drive in this current state or especially the state that she would be in once she heard the revelation, "He asked me to be his best man, Nell. He was going to propose to you."

"What?" She shrieked in guilt over the fact that for one millisecond she felt happy then in anger and grief that he was gone. Then all of a sudden, she felt disbelief and went into denial. She pulled away from the embrace, jumped to her feet, and went to run to her car, but was prevented from doing so by the gentle grasp of her elbow. He had jumped to his feet when she had. "No," She stated angrily as she tried to pull her elbow from Callen's right hand, but his grip was too strong. "Callen, he wasn't." She whispered as she glanced at the grave. "We never," Her gaze snapped to Callen's and she continued just as softly as the whisper before, "Ever talked about the future where it concerned our relationship, we didn't have expectations of the other, except that at the end of the day, when he wasn't undercover, he would come home to me, as would I. We weren't exclusive, well I made the decision to be exclusive to him, but he was a player that enjoyed the game, the chase..."

"Nell," He interrupted her. "Listen to me," He demanded harshly. "Mike was never unfaithful to you."

"Come on, Callen," She spat, angry at him for denying it, and angry at herself for wanting to believe him. "Stop it. I appreciate what you're doing, trying to do, but I'm being realistic. He's gone. I love him. He loved me, but he's gone. You telling me that he was going to propose is sweet and awfully considerate of you to try to give me something to latch unto, but seriously, Callen. I am younger than you both, but that doesn't mean that I'm a fanciful child."

"Are you done?" Callen asked, angered by the lack of faith she had in Mike, and by the lack of faith in him to tell her the truth.

"No, I'm not..." She answered, but was prevented from continuing.

"I don't care whether you aren't," Callen interrupted. What he said made Nell flinch, but she understood his harshness, his cruelty when she heard what he continued to say, not giving her a chance to interrupt him even though she did try, "Mike loved you more than anything. He changed for you. Did he flirt with other women?" He glared at her when she tried to interrupt, to answer his question, but he answered immediately, "He sure in the hell did, but he never cheated on you. He refused to do that to you."

"Callen," She whispered, but was silenced when Callen continued to make revelations about Mike.

Callen asked angrily, "Did you know that he compromised two of his Operations in the last six months alone, because he refused to sleep with another woman for the sake of the Operation? No, you didn't." He paused, his upper lip curled in distaste. "Your lack of faith in him makes me sick."

"Callen," She sobbed, sharing his displeasure and distaste in her over her doubt. "I know he loved me, but why? He could have had anyone, but he chose me?" She began to hyperventilate, but she continued speaking making it harder to breathe. "He loved Kensi, Callen. Beautiful bombshell, Kensi. He settled for me, Geeky little Nell."

"No, Mike did not settle for you. You are beautiful and he loved you." He retorted vehemently. "Breathe, Nell." He demanded when he saw her struggling for breath. "Breathe with me. Breathe...in... and...out...in..." He kept repeating in and out and breathing with Nell. Once Nell's breaths became more regulated, he sighed and confessed,"I remember when he first talked about you, I could tell he was in love. It was the first time I had seen him since my shooting. He had returned from a deep Op that involved a militia group and he need the team's help in apprehending them, because it was much bigger than the one man job that Mike specialized in." Callen reminisced as he remembered that morning three years ago in 2009. "He didn't refer to you by name or even that you were more than a 'friend,' but I knew, because I knew that look he had in his eyes, because I had it in mine when I first fell in love with Tracy."

They were silent for a couple of minutes, Nell taking in what Callen said, and Callen remembering the last Op he had done with Mike; the bank job. That Op was what proved to Callen that Mike had finally found someone he was serious about, that Mike's 'friend' that he had referred to before the Militia Op, was much more than simply a 'friend.' Mike had started distancing himself from the party crowd and had even complained about partying for the sake of an Op.

Nell surprised Callen by hugging him and laying her head on his chest as she looked at Mike's gravestone. A sad smile was on her lips and a look of pain on her face. Callen had expected her to slap him, to try to walk away again, but not to reinitiate their previous embrace. Though, the previous embrace had been out of grief and desperation, this one was more comfort and reassurance. Callen returned the embrace then placed his right hand on the left side of her waist, his left hand on her right. She whispered, "Did he really ask you that?" She looked away from the gravestone and upward toward Callen. "Did he ask you to be his best man?"

"Yes, Nell, he did." He answered truthfully. Her mouth frowned and pain flickered in her eyes. "I told him that I'd handcuff him to me to make sure that he didn't bolt at the last minute; that he was going to make my Analyst an honest woman."

Nell laughed in spite of the situation and wiped away her tears with her right hand. Callen's hands left her waist and went to her face. The pads of his thumbs wiped away her tears as his hands held her upturned face in place. She rested her right hand on his chest while her left rested against his mid back as she one arm hugged him. They stayed in that position for several minutes. She brought her right hand up to his face and with the back of that hand wiped away several stray tears from his face.

"I would've said yes." She said before she began to cry in earnest again. Her right arm wrapped around him and her left tightened around him, almost into a bear hug. Her face curled into his chest as she sought comfort, solace.

"I know," He replied rawly.

As they stood in front of her beloved's grave, Nell found comfort that she wasn't alone; she had Callen. And, deep down she knew that she had the others, too; yet, she felt the most connected to Callen.

After all, she wouldn't have to pretend with him.

Because, he knew how much she loved Mike.

And, he loved him, too.

Neither Nell or Callen were alone, because they had the other.

Thank you all for reading. I appreciate the readership, alerts, favorites, and reviews. I hope that you like this story even though it's a rather different sort of Nallen with the bits of Mike and Nell woven throughout. :)

Also, to those who read and follow my other Nell/Callen stories, I apologize for the lack of updates. The outlines, notes, and next few chapters are not accessible to me at this time, but they should be within the next month or so. Again, I'm truly sorry for the inconvenience or irritation that the lack of updates have caused. I've not abandoned them, I promise.