Chapter 2 Tit for Tat

I crumbled up yet another piece of college ruled notebook paper and bounced it off the side of the wire rimmed waste basket. I could have swished it in easy but I was too distracted with my thoughts. The multiple attempts at constructing a letter that didn't sound like some 80s love song had left a multitude of wadded half written thoughts in a pile on the white linoleum. I didn't want to think about how many trees I had slaughtered to get to this point. Later I would vow to plant at least thirty to assuage my guilt but for now I sought to get my feelings out.

I had needed to get out of the city, to seek a refuge. The trip back to Smallville was about as un-refugable as one could get as my thoughts of 'what to do' haunted every mile that passed. I turned the radio on to escape them only to be met with,

"You could have me. You cold have had me boy. You could have had me right there beside you." I had flipped the dial again and again.

"When I look in your eyes, I see the wisdom of the world in your eyes
I see the sadness of a thousand goodbyes When I look in your eyes." Click.

"Wish I'd told her how I felt, then maybe she'd be here right now." Thought I was saved when the Smashing Pumpkins came on until "She's the one for me.
She's all I really need, oh yeah. Cause she's the one for me."

It seemed all the artists in the world were against me and I felt like I was in some badly written story so I turned the music off and drove the rest of the way in silence.

The empty house on the farm felt like a tomb. I missed the smell of mom's cooking. I missed having Chloe's aura in the house. I missed the chewed up pencils she use to leave behind. Speaking of chewing, where was Shelby? That dog was always here one minuet, gone the next.

I studied the blue slashes of ink that were stark against the leaf of ivory.

'I closed my eyes for too long. You were always by my side although I always watched someone else. I needed you for help but you needed me for something more, and I was oblivious. You have always been the first person I would call to celebrate or commiserate. Even then I was still blind. Chloe I am ever grateful but no longer blind. My eyes are open and I see you. How could I not love you?

How could I not cherish you when you deserve so much more from me?

For so long my heart use to belong to someone else…'

I pondered whether I should discuss how I had felt for Lana but then Chloe already knew so I might as well lay it all out for her to see. Why did writing a letter feel so, so done before?

'While I don't doubt that I loved Lana. I found something in me only had eyes for you, this tiny spark in a sea. But I wouldn't nurture it. Instead of building that spark into a blazing fire I fed my fear instead. If I loved you and we had something beautiful and for a brief shining moment it was glorious… and then we failed and I lost my friend as well as the person who held my heart… Would that be worth it, worth the possible loss of you forever? What if I hurt you Chloe, the way I hurt Lana, could I watch you suffer?

I look back and see my relationship with Lana as a few happy moments surrounded by jealousy and bitterness. Throw Lex into the equation and you will find my need to protect has grown exponentially over time and you had become the greatest source of it.

So many times you came to me and told me how you felt about me and I stood idly and confessed I didn't feel the same. Would you have laughed at me in a few years time had I told you something in my heart had grown and quietly shouted your name?

Tell me Chloe do you remember us trying to help Lex(Back when I thought he could be saved)and part of our exploration took us in an elevator. I wanted to kiss you so bad, wanted you so bad that I uh..when we got interrupted I had to hide behind you.'

I scratched out the last part making a mental note to save myself some embarrassment and amended it to just wanting to kiss her really, really, really bad. Maybe one 'really' was enough.

'There was no red kryptonite in that elevator with us, but I was intoxicated. You made me feel heady.'

It wasn't bad for a first draft. My writing had improved, as it should, having worked a year at the Planet. My interest in journalism was something else to be thankful to Chloe for. The missive still needed work. I needed to tell her that I love her and that it will hurt like hell if she marries George. That I need her, not just for her sidekickyness but…

My cell rang and it was none other than the she I had just been brooding over.

I couldn't keep the smile out of my voice. "Hey, Chloe."

"Clark, I need your help." She whispered.

"Whats wrong Chloe?! Tell me where you are." The panic nearly choked me.