Author's Note: Thanks for reviews and follows. SnK readership on this site seems pretty low, so I'm surprised to have gotten any feedback at all. But thanks. I'm enjoying writing this so I hope those reading enjoys reading it too.
On Thursday, she's there at the dojo an hour before the scheduled time. When Mikasa shows up, she doesn't seem surprised to see her already waiting, only wordlessly gesturing her to come in and allocating her a corner to do her warm up and preparations. She does so silently, stretching her muscles and joints as she watches Mikasa in the other corner doing the same. And then Mikasa pulls off her sweatshirt and pants, and for the first time since meeting her, Annie lays her eyes on Mikasa's body unconcealed by her clothes. It is insane. Dressed in an athletic tank and form fitting leggings, it leaves nothing to the imagination. It is almost too much, too suddenly, and she has to snap herself out of blatantly staring.
The arms and shoulders. The thighs and calves. The abs. How does one even get muscles like that? Annie looks down at herself, having always been quite proud of her form, lean and powerful, with a respectable definition. But clearly, she doesn't hold a candle to Mikasa. Maybe that is what Eren is so intimidated by. Not her though. She is not intimidated in the slightest. If anything, there is only the thrill of a worthy opponent. And she wants nothing more than to test those muscles against hers.
"All right." A clap echoes in the dojo hall. "In the center you two." Kenny appears from a separate room carrying a magazine in his hands. "Last one standing wins. Let's have a clean fight. No weapons, no dirty tactics, and no lethal moves. I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do if either one of you dies in my dojo. You want blood, you do it outside, we clear?"
She nods the same time Mikasa assents, and then Kenny removes himself from view, leaving nothing and no one in her line of sight but Mikasa. There is no start signal, nothing from Kenny, no agreed upon waiting period. She merely sees the twitch of Mikasa's hips, and she pounces. The match goes just about how she predicts. She uses Mikasa's strength against her, getting in some of the hardest drops and throws she's ever had. The only reason she couldn't end the match right there is because that very strength has Mikasa powering her way out of submission holds. When Mikasa almost twists her wrist escaping a choke hold, Annie abandons the idea and resorts to kicks instead. Grapples and submissions are all nice and good, but victory by tapping out isn't exactly last one standing. Kicks are just way more fun, and as it happens, it's her trump card.
Internally, she credits Mikasa for managing to bring her to this point but at the same time she can't help but think that there is nothing inherently impressive about Mikasa's fighting. She's strong, she can take the hits, and she can power her way out of submissions. That last bit is in itself quite commendable, but with all the descriptions of exceedingly good, this isn't what she expects. In fact, thinking back, it's all decidedly defensive.
Irritated, she raises her arms to assume her stance. "You'd better not be going easy on me, Mikasa."
Instantly something shifts. Mikasa's stance, always open and unguarded, somehow becomes even looser. Mikasa's eyes however, does the opposite, growing narrower and a shade darker. But most obvious of all is the circling Mikasa begins to do. And there are only two reasons people circle. One, that they know what they're doing and are looking for an opening. Two, that they don't, and are looking to intimidate. Annie tightens up her form, not giving Mikasa a chance to decide whether to be one or two, and lunges in for a roundhouse kick to her head. Save a last minute raise of her hand, the kick connects and the momentum drags Mikasa across the floor. But to her horror, the hand bracing her leg shifts up and around, grabbing hold of her ankle and pulling her forward. She barely has time to bring her guard up when the force accumulates with a knee to her stomach.
It knocks the wind out of her, but her instincts kick in when her back hits the ground, and she rolls away to put some distance between herself and Mikasa. Only when she's sure that Mikasa isn't pursuing the attack does she let herself cough and gasp for air. And that's when she hears the snickering.
"Form up, Annie," Kenny's voice rings out from the far side. "The real fight starts now."
She doesn't take her eyes off of Mikasa even when Kenny speaks and the realization of what he means sinks in. Mikasa flexes the arm that took the brunt of her kick, but besides that, she doesn't appear to be affected at all. Not at all like her, crumpled on the floor, nursing a aching gut and a wounded pride. She's underestimating Mikasa. That's what she gets for thinking she's at the top of her game, that no one can defeat her. She absolutely deserves that knee. Mikasa is strong. She's tough. She can take those hits. And all Annie has done thus far, is waste her energy. Taking a deep breath for steadiness, she surpresses the pain and stands up, resuming her stance. She's never underestimating Mikasa again. This is a real challenge and she intends to meet it with all she's worth. When Mikasa starts to circle again, she feels the unmistakable rush of adrenaline. Indeed, the real fight starts now.
Mikasa wins, eventually. She loses track of how long the fight goes on for, only that at the end, it takes all of her just to remain standing. Her lungs burn for air, her body slick with sweat, and her muscles ache with exhaustion, but Mikasa circles still and if there's one thing her father drills into her, that is to never give up. So she stands, and watches Mikasa circling. It's clear Mikasa isn't doing so well herself with that laboured breathing, and the reaction time on that arm that got kicked is slower than the rest of her, but compared to Annie, her endurance is terrifying. Whenever Mikasa lands a hit, it is powerful and a few very nearly knocks her out, but Mikasa takes probably three times as many hits as she lands. And each time, she just gets up again, and again, and again. She won't admit it, but at some point, a tinge of fear creeps into the awe. Mikasa just won't stay down.
The winning move comes in the form of a tackle and when she lands on an already forming bruise, all she wants to do is tap out. But her pride won't let her do it so she struggles instead, twisting and pushing against Mikasa's inexperienced attempts to get a choke hold on her. It becomes a dizzying mess of limbs where she isn't sure the hand before her is hers or Mikasa's. The weight of Mikasa on top of her, the heat from their bodies, the humid breaths, they are all disorienting. And that's when it happens. One moment, Mikasa's knee is a stab of pain on her hip. The next, somebody moves and the knee slips down in between her legs. And pushes.
Warmth floods her guts, racing all the way up to burn her face hotter. Annie gasps at her body's reaction that shouldn't happen, that has never before happened in a fight, because she's fighting. She's exhausted, her muscles ache everywhere, she shouldn't have it in her to even feel this, but when her insides flip at another push of Mikasa's knee, she panics at the sensation. Her thighs clamp down on Mikasa's leg, trying to stop it from moving as she braces her arms on Mikasa's shoulders to push her away only for Mikasa to misunderstand and resist the push, leaning in closer and snaking arms around her neck. Her arousal spikes from the closeness, from all the contact, and when fingers on her throat elicits shivers instead of alarm Annie taps out. And then again, slamming her hands hard on the floor when Mikasa doesn't stop immediately.
"Match!"
She notices the confusion on Mikasa's face and she quickly looks away, not wanting to see those dark eyes peer down at her, afraid that Mikasa might recognize that the flush on her face isn't from exertion alone. But even as Mikasa pushes herself up she is still close enough that Annie feels her exhalations tingle her skin and her knee remains pressed against her. Realizing suddenly that she is the one holding Mikasa's knee unmoving, she slackens her thighs and just like that, the tension breaks between them. Mikasa stiffly proceeds to move off as Annie herself scrambles out from under her and instantly trots her way to her corner, ignoring the look Kenny gives her. Her father would be disappointed if he were here, but right now she doesn't care. Not while her body thrums with unfulfilled arousal.
She declines drinks, and she declines Mikasa's offer to send her home. Thankfully she has enough sense to mumble an acknowledgement of Mikasa's win and to express gratitude to Kenny for allowing the use of his dojo before she bolts right out of there. The chilly night air does nothing to ease the thrumming, nor does the long journey home, and when the journey is lengthier than she remembers, she almost regrets not taking up Mikasa's offer. But no, being stuck in a small car with Mikasa, feeling the way she does, would be infinitely worse. She's never felt like this before, not while she's fighting, not even in general, and she doesn't understand what is going on. All she knows is that long after the stimulation has stopped, her nerves are still tingling with arousal. She has half a mind to drop by Eren's, but explaining her state seems more hassle than it's worth so she settles with simply rubbing one out in her shower.
It makes the next couple of meetings with Mikasa decidedly awkward, at least for her. Not because she thought of Mikasa while masturbating or anything like that, but because the source of her arousal is Mikasa. Which just adds another layer of strange to her dating Mikasa's brother. And she likes Eren. She likes Eren very much. But sitting next to him on couch for an after dinner movie, his hand around her waist, she finds her eyes drifting over to Mikasa anyway.
"You're staring a lot," Mikasa says after having followed her towards the washroom. "Is there a reason for that?"
She considers denying because it feels like she'll lose something if she admits it, but one look at Mikasa's face she scraps the thought. Mikasa wouldn't voice it out if it's only a suspicion. It's true anyway.
Mikasa folds her arms, voice dropping to a whisper. "Look, is this about the fight? You promised me that it's just once, win or lose, so if you're thinking of wanting a rematch or somethi—"
"No, it's not that," she says, cutting Mikasa off. "You won that fair and square. We're done."
"All right. Then why are you staring?"
Mikasa's eyes peer at her, and she remembers them peering down at her, remembers the breath on her face, remembers the knee between her legs. Annie shifts, looking away and subtly taking a step back.
"Nothing. It's nothing. I'm just...impressed, I guess."
She doesn't need to see Mikasa's expression to know the other girl doesn't buy that excuse. She wouldn't either, had she been on the receiving end. It reeks of impromptu making up. But eventually Mikasa sighs and takes a step back herself.
"Whatever. Just stop it. Eren's dense, but even he will notice at the rate you're going. Remember, he can't find out that you know."
She really hates the way Mikasa talks to her. Like she's the dense one. Like she can just turn off the staring by willing it. She should, but it frustrates her that she can't. It frustrates her that there really isn't anything she likes about Mikasa's person, yet at the same time, there's something undeniably magnetic about her. And it definitely frustrates her that she can't stop thinking about Mikasa in the aftermath. Everything else just seems so dull in comparison. Fighting Eren becomes dull. Fighting anyone becomes dull. Working out becomes dull. Even things that shouldn't have anything to do with Mikasa, becomes dull. Food becomes bland, bus rides becomes a slow affair, music becomes boring. It frustrates her because she doesn't know why this is happening.
"All right. What is going on?"
Reiner's voice brings her out of her stump and he stares at her from across the table, arms crossed. Bertholdt is still going about his business in the restaurant, but it's clear from his slightly tilted head that he is paying attention too.
She looks down at the plate before her on the table, her fork having speared a broccoli. "What do you mean?"
"Your only comment on the past three dishes is 'It's great'. Come on, you know you're my guinea pig because you're a harsh critic. They can't all be great. I went really experimental this time. So something must be wrong."
Indeed there are some questionable combinations in his dishes, and she knows he's eager to finalize his new summer menu, but all food just tastes bland to her right now. She pushes the plate away and sighs. "I'm sorry I'm not much help."
"Is everything all right between you and Eren?"
Annie narrows her eyes at him. "What does this have to do with him?"
Reiner shrugs, leaning back on him chair. "He's the only thing new going on with you recently."
"We're fine." Technically true, so it rolls off her tongue easily.
He hums as though considering the truth of her statement, and then he fires out his next question. "How's the sex?"
Her first reaction is indignation, because that question just seems inappropriate no matter how long they've been friends or how close they are. But as the words sink in, the indignation bleeds away because while Reiner might be shooting in the dark, he has actually hit the mark. It is mortifying when she discovers, once her bruises from fighting Mikasa finally heals enough to not arouse Eren's suspicions, that like all other things, sex with Eren has also become dull. And though he is a good lover, and he does his very best to please her, she doesn't achieve her release. As she hasn't for the past three times. She eventually fakes it for his pride and his effort, but it leaves her feeling vexed.
She musters as much conviction as she can into her voice. "It's fine."
Reiner instantly snaps his fingers. "That's your problem. Lacklustre sex."
"What? I just said it's fine."
"It's not fantastic."
"It doesn't need to be fantastic." It just needs to go back to the way it is before, when sex with him is nice and enjoyable.
"Of course it needs to be fantastic," Reiner replies and immediately he holds up a hand to stop her retort, instead waving Bertholdt over. "Look, hear me out, All right? I'm not just talking out of my ass."
Bertholdt joins them on the table, and together, both he and Reiner regards her with intensity and affection. She knows they mean well, that they're doing this because they care for her, but to her it's just unnerving.
"Annie, you're a physical person. That's how you interact with the world, with your physicality. You're not the type who meets someone and say, 'Hi, I'm Annie, nice to meet you.' No. You flip them over their ass, and if they take it well, then you talk. You did that to me, to Bert, you did that to Eren, even. That's why you're in a relationship with him, a proper relationship."
The way he talks with such surety about her, she can't help but bristle. "I don't only ge—"
He cuts her off with a held up hand as he raises an eyebrow almost challengingly. Annie deflates, because he's right, again. She's only ever had physical relationships prior, with Marcel, Pieck, and the rest were a smattering of short lived flings or one night stands. Eren is the only one who is different, because no one else she's thrown down ever cared to get close to her but him. She's in awe of his resilience just as he's in awe of her skill.
"Fine. Point taken. What does that have to do with sex?"
Reiner nods, satisfied. "So, going back to sex, because you're a physical person, the point of engagement between you and your partner will primarily be sex. That's just how you roll. You gave Eren a beat down, he got up and came back for more. You're impressed by that, your body is impressed by that, and so your body expects that he will be great in bed and when he isn't, this happens."
"Stop talking like me and my body are separate entities."
"Okay. Scrap your body. You. You expect the sex to be fantastic, but instead it's lacklustre."
Part of her wants to protest that because this wasn't a thing until recently. Before this, sex with Eren has been fine. Normal. Then Mikasa happened. So it's all Mikasa's fault really. But she can't say that. "So what? I can only be with someone who I have fantastic sex with?"
"Of course not," Bertholdt speaks for the first time. "Eren is a good person. I think both of you are really compatible."
"That means, you just have to have fantastic sex with Eren. Spice it up," Reiner concludes, saying it like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "That's it. So that the next time I ask you this, you'll tell me to shut up and mind my own business instead of that sombre 'it's fine.' Okay?"
The realization hits her like bricks. The reason they're having this incredibly awkward conversation about her sex life, is because she okayed it. Might as well. "How will I know when it's fantastic and when it's not?"
Reiner only grins. "You'll know, Annie. Just as you know when you're facing a worthy opponent. You'll definitely know."
But she doesn't know. She really doesn't know. Sex with Eren is just normal. Normal like all her previous sexual partners. He comes. She comes. That's all the measure of successful sex that she knows. And going by that measure, disregarding her current predicament, their sex life is good. How much more fantastic can sex get? But as Reiner's words repeat in her head like a broken radio, she finds herself thinking of her most recent worthy opponent. Of the singeing state of arousal that opponent had awoken within her. Of the agonizingly long train ride home filled with no other thoughts but to sate that arousal. Of her body that now burns up at the memory.
She tries very hard that night. Shutting out Reiner, Mikasa, and everything else, she focuses solely on Eren and the sensations he elicits from her. His kisses, his touches, his warmth, his breath on her skin, his grunts of pleasure. It's all very nice and her body responds as it should, trembling and tingling at his ministrations. But that's all it does and frustratingly, she finds that her arousal goes nowhere. It doesn't build, it doesn't rise, and even as she sees Eren approaching his end, her own is nowhere in sight. She responds with more fervor, kissing him deeply, slowly, opening herself to him, pulling him closer, but all it achieves is igniting more of Eren's excitement, and none of hers. When Eren settles between her legs and all she thinks of is relief he uses lube, instead of the anticipation of their joining, she resigns herself to pretending. Again.
Maybe because of her resignation, she lets her mind wander. In hindsight, she probably shouldn't have let it happen, but she starts to take note of odd things while Eren thrusts away. She traces the lines of his muscles with her fingers, she bucks against his body weighing her down, she feels the pattern of his breath on her face. Distantly, she gets the sense that she's comparing him with someone. And the moment she lets that thought trickle in, it materializes, the person she's comparing him to materializes, and of course, it's none other than Mikasa. So she lets Mikasa materialize, remembering the one time she was under Mikasa, pinned to the floor of the dojo, sweat slicked and tired. She remembers her laboured breaths not unlike Eren's now, prickling the skin of her neck, her weight slightly heavier than Eren bearing down on her, her hard muscles not as pronounced, but no less impressive.
Then she imagines what it would be like if Mikasa is the one here now, fucking her with a strap-on.
Her arousal spikes, suddenly and all at once. She gasps as her body shudders, as it comes alive, as though just only realizing there's a cock inside her thrusting away and she heats up everywhere. Eren groans gutturally, feeling her reaction, and begins to move more frantically, but she is beyond caring about his pleasure. Her state of arousal is the same nerve tingling one from that day and she doesn't intend to let it go without getting something out of it. Flipping them over, she rides him hard and fast, hitting that one spot within as she chases her orgasm, knowing full well he is not the one on her mind. When she finally crests over the edge she makes an effort to look at him, to let his face be the one she sees, but his eyes draw close as she clenches down and in the absence of his clear green orbs, all she sees are dark, steely, passionless grays.
The same dark, steely, passionless grays that she's unable to meet the next time she sees Mikasa. If their last meeting she's staring too much, now she's not looking at all. Not while Eren is there, unaware of what she has done. It's one thing to think of Mikasa while she masturbates in her own shower, but it's another thing altogether to actively think of Mikasa while having sex with her boyfriend, Mikasa's brother. She could hardly look at Eren immediately after for despite her guilt, there is no denying how good her body feels, thrumming with joy from the most intense release she's had in a while. So she sits close to him, holds his hand, listens to him talk, enjoys his company, but when the click of the door announces Mikasa's arrival, when her voice carries into the living room from the doorway, Annie shivers in spite of all she tries.
She doesn't meet her eyes, or his, and if either of them notices, neither of them mentions it. But not meeting Mikasa's eyes doesn't mean that she doesn't look elsewhere. With the weather warming up to welcome summer, Mikasa has finally ditched her sweaters and cardigans for thinner clothes that better reflect her form. She lets her gaze roam over Mikasa appreciatively, from the noticeable bulge of her biceps, to her wide shoulders, to the smooth expanse of neck uncovered by the opted out scarf. Then she looks at something else. Mikasa's hands, as she places the three bowls of home-cooked ramen and three cups of tea on the table. She watches the same hands working the chopsticks into the noodle. She watches the fingers turning the teacup, tracing its rim, before it is lifted to a pair of soft lips.
"Is it too spicy?"
Annie snaps up at the voice and turns to find Eren peering at her with concern, and that's how she knows her face has flushed red. She takes the out, quickly picking up her tea and drinking a mouthful as she banishes the images of fingers and lips touching her skin.
"Is it? Sorry," Mikasa says from across the table, placing her teacup down. "I thought of going for the clear broth, but Eren prefers the spicy one. I should have warned you."
"No, it's all right. You shouldn't need to cater to me," Annie says, shaking her head as she glances not quite at Mikasa, her gaze instead drawn to her jawline. She drops them to her bowl. "It's really delicious."
"You sure?" Eren asks. "You don't have to finish it if you can't. I'll get you something else later."
And then he's reaching for the teapot in the center of the table, refilling her teacup with a small smile, and she feels her throat constrict as her appetite leaves her. The guilt that she hasn't felt so keenly before suddenly comes swinging back, crashing into her and leaving a heavy feeling in her chest. She hears the sound of Mikasa's chopsticks while Eren continues to gaze at her, patiently awaiting her answer. She forces the rest of her noodles down. After that, she doesn't stay the night, and she leaves much earlier than she usually does. Once she hits the streets, she jogs all the way back to her apartment, breaking into a full sprint as certain points, but the sticky, sickening sensation creeping around her chest stay with her.
She doesn't see Eren outside their fight classes after that. She doesn't go over, invite him over, go on dates, and she certainly doesn't have sex with him, not while she isn't sure who she'll think of while doing it. Eren doesn't comment on it, always having been good at reading her moods, and not for the first time, she's appreciates that part of him. But when Sunday rolls around again, despite considering not going to join their dinner, it's almost routine by now that she finds herself at the threshold of Eren's door before she thinks better of it. He welcomes her as usual with a big grin on his face, a hug and a kiss, and it floods her with relief when she realizes that she has missed him. Mikasa welcomes her as usual too, with a stoic half nod and a one liner greeting, and it floods her with warmth when her mouth goes dry and her heart rate picks up. The discrepancy is at once startling and not, and she accepts it in a stride. This time, she stays for a while after dinner and sits with Eren on the couch once Mikasa leaves.
"Are you staying the night?" he asks.
"I'm on my period." It's a lie, but one that she has used often enough at various points of her life that she delivers it smoothly.
"Oh, no no, I didn't mean it that way," he replies as he shakes his hand frantically. "I mean just stay. Over. And we can just...cuddle or something."
She smiles wryly because they never just cuddle. It always precedes something, or is preceded by something. Perhaps they could start just cuddling, but no, she knows she's not being a great girlfriend right now. And him being a great boyfriend, quietly supportive while giving her space, only makes it worse. Making up her mind, she pushes herself off the couch to kneel down between his legs.
"Do you need it?" she asks, reaching for the buckle of his jeans. "I'll blow you."
He flusters immediately and denies it but it is a half-hearted protest at best, seeing as he doesn't remove her hands from his buckle. So she pops it, and a silent eagerness takes over his features. She goes to work, pulling down his zipper and then his boxers beneath. When she wraps her hand around his shaft and he moans, she wastes no time opening her mouth to take him in. At least this way, she can focus entirely on his pleasure without chasing after her own. And at least this way, she can be sure she won't fantasize about someone else, as neither she nor Mikasa have a penis. The lack of appendage doesn't stop the thought of her between Mikasa's legs though, or Mikasa between hers, and it makes her clench her thighs together painfully.
It dawns on her, lying on her bed that night while rubbing herself through her panties, that she should talk to Eren. Because the longer she hides this, the more it feels like she's doing something wrong. Like she's cheating, even though she hasn't actually done anything with Mikasa except spar her behind Eren's back. It's not like she even wants to cheat on Eren with Mikasa. She knows for a fact she doesn't like Mikasa. They can't get through one conversation without Mikasa pissing her off somehow. This, whatever this is, is only physical. But that's not exactly a comfort when Eren's feelings of inferiority towards Mikasa is centered precisely on her physical strength. If she tells him that her physical and sexual attraction to Mikasa stems from the very thing about her he tried to hide, she doesn't doubt that it will only make him feel 'beaten' by Mikasa once again. Annie knows she cannot do that to him. But, as she reaches a back arching orgasm to the fantasy of strong arms holding her open, fingers and lips in her and on her, she knows she cannot continue like this either.
The next Sunday evening, she stays home. She's not sure whether it's because she doesn't want to see Mikasa, or she doesn't want to see Mikasa while Eren is there. The other girl has been the subject of her sexual fantasies far too many times now she can't trust the expression on her face won't give it away if she sees her in person. Eren doesn't prod, as usual, simply asking if she's okay and letting her be at her affirmation. So when her doorbell rings at ten-thirty, around the time she normally arrives home had she gone to the dinner and not stay over, she expects it to be Eren, checking up on her. When she finds Mikasa on the other side of the door instead, her reaction cycles between elation, surprise, shock, disbelief, and plain numbness. Mikasa however, doesn't share her confusion, if the hard line of her mouth and her narrowed eyebrows says anything.
"Mikasa?" she says tentatively and when Mikasa remains there, proving herself not a figment of her imagination, Annie swallows and goes on. "How did you know my unit?"
"Eren told me."
At the mention of Eren, Annie scans the hallway, but there is no one but Mikasa. "Did he send you?"
"No," Mikasa answers simply, and then she tilts her head. "Although he's probably hoping that I would come here."
She doesn't quite understand and she doesn't quite know how to feel, but either way, she can't exactly leave Mikasa standing outside so she pulls the door open. "Come in then, since you're here."
Mikasa enters slowly, clearly looking around the interior of Annie's apartment each step of the way, and ignoring Annie's offer to sit wherever. She just stands unmovng in the space between the living room and the kitchen, hands in the pockets of her jacket, seemingly lost in thought. Annie moves to at least pour a glass of water for her guest when it hits her that Mikasa, the real Mikasa, is in her house. She ends up drinking the glass of water herself to settle her nerves and snap herself out of her head, remembering that Mikasa mentioned Eren. That itself tells her this is not a pleasant visit. Abandoning the idea of offering Mikasa a drink, feeling like it would also be ignored, Annie turns around to lean her weight on the refrigerator, and waits.
It doesn't take too long before Mikasa looks her way. "What is going on between you and Eren?"
Of course that is what Mikasa asks. Straight to the point too. Annie wonders how much she knows, then decides to test it. "What do you mean? Nothing is going on."
"Then why did Eren just spend the entire dinner telling me that he thinks something is wrong?"
Annie pauses, not having expected that Eren would speak to someone else before speaking to her. A little bit overkill in respecting her personal space. "What did he tell you?"
"Everything." Mikasa rolls her eyes and chalks up a glare. "Do you want me to say it? I could."
Her fingers clench on the glass in her hand and already she's feeling like she wants to kick Mikasa right out of her house. Mikasa really pisses her off and once again, she wonders why she even wants this woman. Sighing, she places the glass on the table and drops onto one of the stools. She doesn't know how to explain, and she doesn't know if she wants to. Burying her head in her hands, she bids her time and hears Mikasa pulling out the stool on the opposite end of the square table and similarly sitting down. Thankfully, Mikasa speaks first.
"Annie, if Eren has done something, or is doing something that you don't know how to talk to him about, then you can tell me. I'm his sister, I'm good at telling him things he doesn't want to hear."
Raising her head, Annie glances at Mikasa, not expecting that.
"Or," Mikasa adds with emphasis. "If you have done something, or are doing something you can't tell Eren about, then as his sister I want to know. I won't interfere, but I want to know if I need to be there for him."
She presses her face into her hands, sighing again. "Eren hasn't done anything. And neither have I, technically."
"Technically? If no one has done anything, then tell me how does a relationship with a healthy sex life suddenly turns to you only giving him oral? Technically, something happened."
Annie groans inwardly, chagrined at how much detail Eren has divulged about their sexual activity to his sister. Taking a deep breath, she lowers her hands onto the table and turns to face Mikasa. At the very least, there's no judgment in Mikasa's expression, she hasn't already decided who's at fault. Belatedly, Annie realizes that she doesn't have a cover for this, and she doesn't want to lie anyway.
"I can't have sex with him. I don't want to."
"Why?"
The moment of truth. She draws her arms from the table into herself and drops her gaze. But that action only brings her legs into her view, prompting her to remember the times she had thought of Mikasa between them. And now Mikasa is right across the table. Flushing, she crosses her legs and blurts it out.
"I keep thinking of you."
The words sound loud to her own ears, but when Mikasa doesn't say anything for long seconds, she starts to wonder if she whispered it, or only said it in her own head. That could be possible. No way this is easy to say. She's never had to tell someone she's sexually fantasizing about that she's sexually fantasizing about them. Dreading to repeat it, she raises her eyes and—
"What did you say?"
Mikasa seems baffled, like it's her turn to cycle through reactions as Annie did at the door. She's probably also wishing she heard it wrong, but Annie knows she heard it right. Annie decides to just out with it. Everything. Mikasa wants to know after all. And she already knows everything from Eren's side. Now she will know hers too. Literally everything.
"Do you know why I tapped out during our fight? You were nowhere near getting me in a choke, and I could have countered your attempts anyway. But I tapped out."
"No?" Mikasa replies hesitantly. "I was confused too."
She remembers the confusion on Mikasa's face, the dark eyes peering down at her. "When we were scuffling on the floor, at one point your knee slipped between my legs and pressed against me." She considers turning away, to save herself the sting if disgust is how Mikasa reacts, but no. If Mikasa's reaction stings her, it's probably a good thing. Maybe it'll finally jolt her out of feeling this way. So she doesn't falter, looks Mikasa in the eyes. "I got turned on. And everything, every touch, felt sexual after that. I couldn't continue like that. So I tapped out."
There is almost no reaction for a moment, before Mikasa's eyebrows furrow. "I wasn't trying to—"
"I know. I'm not blaming you. That's just what happened."
"Oh." Still no disgust. If anything, Mikasa even seems pensive. "So that's why you were staring."
"Yeah." It's almost like Mikasa doesn't mind at all that she's been the subject of Annie's sexual thoughts, and she doesn't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you...sexually, since then. That's why I'm not having sex with Eren. I can't...I can't come, not unless I think of you. And that feels wrong."
Well, with how much she's disclosing, she can't really get mad at Eren anymore. But as she looks at Mikasa, her expression still disgust-free and judgment-free, she doesn't know what to feel. She expects some level of mortification at her admission, some level of discomfort. Instead this reaction simply leaves her unsure whether to be relieved that Mikasa doesn't mind, or frustrated that Mikasa isn't put off.
"I see. Well, stop thinking about me then."
Apparently, it's neither relief nor frustration. She stands up with a huff. "Goddammit Mikasa, you piss me off so much."
"Are you turned on right now? Please sit down."
If there is any water left in her glass she would have tossed it right at Mikasa's face. "Stop staring at me. Stop thinking of me. If I could do it we wouldn't be having this conversation, Mikasa! You think I don't want to? If I told you now to start thinking about me all the time, could you? Just because I told you to?"
"All right, all right," Mikasa placates, having the decency to look sheepish. "I get it. Bad joke, sorry."
"I didn't know you could joke."
It's unnerving however that Mikasa isn't entirely wrong. She is turned on, even if just slightly, even if it's just a residual from remembering her fantasy of Mikasa eating her out, but she is. She sits back down, wishing she had bought chairs with backrests instead of stools now. One good thing about a stool though, is that she can sit with her back to Mikasa without turning the direction of the chair. It's petty, but infinitely better than looking at Mikasa, not knowing whether she wants to hit her or kiss her. She hears Mikasa shifting, the stool dragging against the floor.
"Look Annie, I get what's going on now, and I'm sorry for joking. Thanks for telling me all that."
"Wait," Annie frowns, turning around. "You're okay with that? I've been—I've been thinking of you while I—"
"Why not? You've made it clear you don't like me. So it's physical, right? I think you're aesthetically pleasing too."
Annie's breath hitches at aesthetically pleasing as warmth blooms in the pit of her stomach. But it's clear those words means more to her than to Mikasa, judging by the return of that pensive expression and how she quickly carries on.
"What matters is what this is leading to. With Eren. Is this a precursor to you breaking up with him?"
"No!" she denies. The thought hasn't ever crossed her mind. "Not at all. I'm just telling you why I'm not having sex with him."
Mikasa nods, relieved. "Okay, good. Eren really likes you. I don't know what it'd do to him if you wanted to break up."
"I really like him too," she replies reflexively.
"Okay, good." Mikasa nods again, staring at the surface of the table. Then she shoves her hands back into the pockets of her jacket. "Are you planning to tell him about this?"
"I thought about it."
"Can I ask you not to?"
She meets Mikasa's eyes then and it becomes apparent that Mikasa, like her, is well aware how Eren would react if he knows. And like her, maybe more than her, Mikasa isn't willing to risk what it would do to their relationship. So Annie nods, because it's so easy for Mikasa to get angry at her, to turn this around on her, to blame her for her flighty thoughts she's done nothing to encourage. And she'd be right. But Mikasa doesn't. Instead she's here making a pact of silence for something she needn't be a part of. So Annie nods. She can give Mikasa at least this.
"I won't."
End Note: If anyone is reading this end note, as alluded to in the chapter, Reiner and Bertholdt own a restaurant that is unnamed here but will be in future chapters. If anyone wants to suggest a name for their restaurant, please do, for I have a terrible naming sense.