Jack drove Sam home after Martouf's memorial service. She was utterly exhausted; he could see it written all over her face and in every nuance of her body language. Little wonder, he thought, after what they'd been through the past forty-eight hours or so.
When they arrived at Sam's house, she tentatively invited him inside. He acquiesced gracefully, and they went in. Sam led Jack into her living room and sat down on her couch; Jack followed suit.
"Thanks for the lift, Sir," Sam told him after a quiet moment.
"Anytime, Carter." Jack was just grateful that she had invited him to stay with her; he needed to see first hand that she was okay. Sam sat quiet for a little while, and Jack started to get antsy.
"Would you like some coffee, Sir?"
"Sure," he replied easily.
Sam got up and went into the kitchen, setting about the busy work of fixing a pot of coffee for the two of them. She came back to the living room a few minutes later with two steaming mugs. She passed one to Jack, who had found the remote control for her tv and was channel surfing.
"Anything interesting on?" she asked.
"There's a documentary on tornadoes on the weather channel. And a documentary on earthquakes on another channel. And a documentary on world war one on the history channel… and…"
Sam smiled. "Go ahead and put the game on, Sir." Those were the magic words he was waiting for; at the push of a couple of buttons, a hockey game was on.
"Thanks." Jack smiled warmly at her. "Didn't think you liked hockey."
"Not usually, but it's about perfect for today. It doesn't make me think. I need to not think for a little while." Sam finished her statement with a sigh.
Jack continued to smile gently. "Well, you sit there not thinking for a while, then. Take it easy, get some rest. The usual doctor's orders."
Sam sighed again. "It was all I could do to convince Janet to let me go home. In the end, I think she only agreed because of you."
"You just need a little time to rest and process. I get it."
"I appreciate the company, Sir. I really didn't want to be completely alone just yet." Sam was surprised to here herself admit that particular need.
"No problem. 'Specially since your letting me watch my game," he finished with a grin.
Sam sat down on the couch near Jack, sipping her warm coffee. She tried following the game for a bit, but the flying puck was so hard to track she found herself dizzying with the effort. She decided to rest her eyes for a few minutes.
The next thing she knew, she was waking up, her head resting on Jack's shoulder. She sat up with a yawn, stretching her legs out in front of her.
"You awake?" Jack asked.
Sam blinked a couple of times trying to focus her vision. "Yeah," she said, then promptly yawned. "Sorry, Sir. Didn't mean to fall asleep on you."
"Don't think anything of it." Jack picked up the remote and turned off the tv, the hockey game having long since ended. Jack stretched out his legs and arms, choking back an answering yawn.
"You look a bit tired, Sir. Why don't you head home?"
"You sure you'll be okay?"
"Yeah. I'm feeling better for the rest. Like you said, I just need some time to… process." Sam picked up her coffee mug and took a sip of the now-cold drink. She grimaced. "Definitely not fond of cold coffee!"
"Me either. I think the pot's still on, if you want some more."
"Yeah, I think I will." Sam stood up and went into the kitchen. "You want one more for the road?" she called out to Jack.
"Sure, why not?" he called back.
Sam reappeared moments later with two fresh mugs of the hot brew. She passed one back to Jack as she sat back down beside him. "So… who won?"
"We did. Kicked their smarmy bums all over the ice." Jack grinned as he spoke.
"Sir… before you go… there's something I wanted to talk to you about." Sam held on tightly to her cup, trying to draw some semblance of strength from its heat.
"Okay." Jack was on full alert; she had his undivided attention.
"You were ready to die for me again, with the za'tarc testing device." Jack blinked a couple of times, but that was as close as she'd get to him admitting she was right on this. "You can't do that. I can't let you keep doing that."
"Carter… your mind's a hell of a lot more valuable than mine. I made a command decision to take the risk of treatment."
"You still shouldn't have been willing to go through it because of me. I am no more or less valuable than you are. I don't want you to die for me." Sam was so very nervous at his lack of response that she found herself babbling on. "Look, I know we said we could leave everything we said back in that room… but I really need to be clear on a couple of things. I'm not willing to make any compromises in my career. I love my job, I love our team, and I wouldn't ever want to do anything to jeopardize either one. And I know you'd never let me. Just as I can't let you sacrifice yourself to save me, I know you won't let me make that sacrifice either."
"I would never let you sacrifice your career. And I'm not about to lose you on the team. You are too important to the team." Jack's face was resolute, brokering no room for argument—not that she was about to give any. Her place on the team was of paramount importance to her.
"Thank you, Sir. I appreciate that, I really do." Sam heaved a sigh of relief. The worst was over, she thought.
"Now there's something I need to make clear." Jack's eyes were fiercely determined. "I would lay my life down for you, or Daniel, or Teal'c any day. It's part of my job to protect you guys, and I intend to do it to the best of my ability, regardless of the personal risks."
"I understand, Sir. As long as you'd do the same for Daniel and Teal'c, I guess I can learn to live with that." Sam took a long sip of her coffee.
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for my team," Jack said softly.
Sam let the silence stretch between them. It wasn't uncomfortable silence, and it continued on for a while companionably. Finally, Sam screwed up her courage one last time.
"There's just one last thing I want to be clear on, Sir…" Sam trailed off, nervous about where the conversation was about to go. She cleared her throat, screwed up her courage, and spoke. "If the regs weren't an issue… if the team weren't an issue, either… if our lives were different… things between us would be… different."
"Different," Jack echoed. "Yeah, they would be different. We wouldn't be sitting here saying goodbye to something that never had a chance to begin in the first place."
Sam swallowed hard against a rather large lump forming in the back of her throat. "Sir, I just want you to know… you're very important to me. Our working relationship is very important to me."
"It's important to me, too," Jack said quietly. "If it's the only relationship we can have, we should make the most out of it."
"I agree, Sir." Sam braved a small smile, but it was nothing like the million megawatt beams she had graced him with in the past. It broke Jack's heart anew to see it, and know that he had caused the pain behind it, however good his intentions might have been.
Jack finished the last of his coffee and set the empty mug down on the small table beside the couch. "I think it's time I took my leave," he said finally.
Sam stood with him and walked him to the door in silence. Just before she could open it, though, Jack stopped her with a hand to her shoulder.
"I wish things could be different," he said, surprising her with his admission.
Sam nodded. "I wish things could be different, too." She kept her voice low so it wouldn't crack and betray her roiling emotions. It came out soft and husky, and the sexiness of it almost had Jack saying 'to hell with it all' and kissing her right then and there. He just nodded his head, instead, not trusting his own voice. He turned back round to the door and Sam opened it for him.
"Daniel was suggesting a team night before I left. Think tomorrow would be good?"
"Sounds great, Sir. Wouldn't miss it." Sam managed to smile for him then, a fairly brilliant beam which made his heart tumble over itself for a moment.
"Tomorrow it is, then." Jack turned and walked out the door. "Take care of yourself in the meantime, Carter. That's an order."
"Yes, Sir." She offered him a salute, which he returned instantly. She smiled one last time before closing the door. Alone with her thoughts at last, she turned and walked back into the now all too empty living room. She sighed heavily, the burden on her heart almost unbearable.
There had been the hint of an unspoken promise in their dialogue, and she wondered how much she dared hope it had been real. There was a part of her, a growing part, which wanted nothing more than to run after him and confess her undying love, but that just wasn't her style. Besides that, they had jobs to do, a country to serve, and a planet to protect. Until such time as they had a guaranteed defense against the world's enemies, their personal lives would have to wait.
It was going to be a long, lonely wait, she thought sadly.