Not So Bright on the Other Side

You looked at him from across the gym. Last night you straddled him, half naked and with as much love as you could give when most of the time you didn't even love yourself. The things that you two had done would make Dr. Ruth blush but for now, you were enemies.

Tyler looked smug but there was a little tiredness around his eyes. Good. That means that you would blow this one out of the park. Your signs were up first, you got the word out through Caroline, Elena, Stefan, Jeremy and Matt. Everyone who knew you as the black girl that hung out with Caroline now called you Bonnie.

You were empowered. You were ready for this. You had the experience with three years on student council. Caroline was running as your vice-president. This was yours to win and exactly what you needed on your college application to show that you weren't slacking off during your senior year.

Tyler was just doing this as a dare. His posters were a joke as was his slogan.

You had this in the bag but just to punish him for running against you, there was going to be no sleeping together until this thing was over and you won it. Then you would blow his mind with a new set of Black Girl Magic. And when the results came in, things would go back to normal except... the results came in.

And it was heart wrenching because you not only lost but you lost by a landslide.

It was like all your years of taking school seriously, of being the daughter of a well-known politician, a so-called "credit to the race" was no match for the reality of your color and gender being the reasons for your failure.

It wasn't until then that you really thought there was a glass ceiling, that you as a woman would only get so far because you didn't have a penis. But there it was. Dumbass Tyler, as everyone knew him, was going to be Student Council President. He even smiled in triumph when they called out his name. You found out the vote count later but he beat you three to one.

What the hell?

You cried on Caroline's shoulder, apologizing for everything and saying that she should've run as President but Caroline knew what you were just starting to learn, a woman in power was most fearsome thing in this universe and had to be stifled. Broken and killed by society.

But … It's not fair to call Tyler stupid because he's not. He just doesn't have to care because everything has been done for him.

His college is paid for, the down payment on his first home is waiting, a job using his father's connections is already in the works … he doesn't have to try. He just has to live and survive. You have to fight and it sucks.

The weight of this loss is much too much to bare because you're reminded of just how weak you are. You couldn't beat Tyler. You couldn't beat John.

The next day you come to school pretending like nothing is wrong, looking at the faces of the same people who promised to support you with their vote, but then did something else when they got the ballot. Damn them. You want to ask them why. Is it really because you're a woman? Is it because your race because it can guarantee that anyone who's from Mystic Falls, VA has the same gene pool.

Insert enslaved African on a large plantation. Add horny European pilgrim. Now there's a new "race," a new mix of mulatto people who have part of the blood of their oppressors but the status of the oppressed No way. Bonnie was not going to let herself think of things this way.

People were beyond that, right?

You make it through the rest of the day, glaring at Tyler. He wants to talk to you, you can see it. You can see it and your phone tells the story of how he's tried to contact you. How many times. Your voice mail is littered with messages from him, apologizing, saying he misses you, saying other nasty things. They're all genuine. He still cares. You give in today for one reason and that's because you need a ride home.

You get into his car silently as he heads towards his house which is a few blocks from yours. He reaches for your hand, but you pull away.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think-"

"That the most popular boy in school wouldn't win over the smartest in our grade?" You shake your head, still hurt. "And you don't even give a shit about it!"

"If you want me to back out, I can. I don't even have time for Student Council with football and everything."

"Don't do me any favors."

"Bonnie … you know I'll do anything for you. Just tell me what I have to do-"

"Stay out of my life. It's over." You time it perfectly with his arrival at your house and open the door swiftly. He's quick though and pulls you back into your seat. It's not harsh. It's not meant to hurt you. He's pleading you to reconsider. You hesitate before trying to leave again, which gives him time to part your lips with his.

It almost revives you, gives your body life and air. Like he still loves you but you know better.

Your body is acting on instinct, one leg on either side of his body. You sit down feeling how his body is reacting to yours as the temperature rises and you start to sweat. No one makes you feel this way. You're moving up and down on him, cruelly teasing as you never intend to see it through. Tyler looks at you like you're so much better than he is, like an angel, a Cleopatra, a Rihanna.

When he grabs your breasts in his hands that's when it has to stop. Otherwise you'll do him in his car right in front of your house. You slap him weakly and regain your composure.

"Don't ever do that again." You force venom into your voice but are secretly sad that it has to end. Tyler isn't your only one. You have two other guys, but he's the only one that you could love, that you had a history with.

Right now you don't want to see either of them. You'll plan something later, something to hurt him. Something to hurt someone else so that you don't have to focus on your hurt.

The time comes during the Student Council dance and the after party at Tyler's house. You know which one is his bedroom and lead another guy up there with you. He's tall, dark and from a rival school. He's also black, the only other type of guy that would make Lockwood feel inferior. He used to think that you'd leave him for a "brother" but Mystic Falls High had slim pickings.

This guy has all of the things that would make people think he's well-endowed but you've seen better. Tyler is better. It takes a few drinks to get your mind to the point where this actually seems like a good idea and you silence your conscience. You actually imagine that it's Tyler the whole time because you're just that sick in the head.

You timed the text to hit his phone right about now. Tyler should be coming in soon and he does. Your ass is up in the air. You're on top. Tyler is pissed. You've only seen him this angry once before. When he beat down John and now he's punching the shit out of Cordell. You're starting to feel those feelings for him again, the ones that once told you that you could raise a baby with him even though you both were only thirteen.

Cordell is looking pretty bad so you scream at him to get out. Tyler looks at you with rage in his eyes. Hate even.

Not that look. Anything but that look.

Even then he doesn't call you a whore.

"I don't owe you a damn thing." You try to justify your actions but nothing you can say can make sense of this.

"Why would you do this?"

"You screw girls all the time and then laugh with me about it. How is this any different? You don't think that effects me?"

"You laugh." He looks at you perplexed.

"I have to. Laugh or cry." You sigh. "So I laugh."

"I'm not laughing. He was all over you-"

"We can't be together Tyler. Your mom hates me. She tolerates me." You don't add that his mom also scared you away from him four years ago.

"Can I just be honest with you? And say what I need to say?" He asks and you wait but the look on your face makes him stop. If he says what you think he will, you'll stop this right now. You're so out of your mind that you'll accept it.

If he loves you.

Tyler just sighs and helps you get dressed. It's so soft, so tender. He caresses your face and then hugs you as you sob. You don't know what's going to happen now. You don't know where the future will lead but it seems definite that you and Tyler are over.

That thought bothers you, you test the waters. You see if he will have you even though you were almost having sex with another guy minutes before. Tyler is just a messed up as you are. He doesn't make love to you this time, he pushes you up against the wall and is rough with you.

You gladly take the punishment. You don't take any precautions and don't think, just do.

"You're mine." You mutter happily.

"This'll never happen again." Tyler promises. It's only a few days later when you try to contact him that you realize he meant it. That you hurt him. But he doesn't love you. That's what you tell yourself. If he did, he'd fight for you.

(A/N: Got wind of an old review and wrote this out of guilt. I might have two more chapters left … to explain what really happened when they were thirteen and to show where the end up after high school. -NL)