It's 3 am in the morning...and I love Burger King's Chicken BLT salad. Just putting that out there.
BTW I think somewhere along the line, Stan contracted vaginitis again. But read for yourself.

"Stan, do you think I'm attractive?"

Stan stared at his girlfriend; where had that come from? They were hanging out together at his house; his dad was the only other person home, but upstairs working on something for work... or more likely playing World of Warcraft. They were in the living room, half-watching a movie.

"Of course I do; why'd you ask?"

Wendy sighed. "I was just thinking that you never try to make any moves, and it's taken us a long time to get up to where we are, and sometimes I wonder... I wonder if maybe you don't want to have sex with me."

Oh no. Now Wendy was on the sex thing too? "Wendy, we're not even eleven years old yet." He reminded her.

"That certainly hasn't stopped Vicki and Kenny." She muttered.

"Yeah, but they were ready. Hell, they were ready after knowing each other a grand total of five days. Would you want to have sex with someone you met five days ago?" Stan asked, annoyed. Why did everyone have to compare him and Wendy to Kenny and Vicki? "No, you wouldn't."

"You and I have known each other since we were in preschool, Stan. We've been going out for over a year."

What was he supposed to tell her? Usually it was the boyfriend pressuring his girl for sex, not the other way around. But then again... "Is it that you want it as proof I love you?"

Wendy nodded. "Like I said, Vicki and Kenny—"

"Vicki and Kenny don't really do much else together. They don't sit and have meaningful talks like this. They don't really go out anywhere either. I love you Wendy, and I don't need to have sex with you to prove that."

She regarded Stan with a rather unreadable expression, before leaning in and kissing him softly. "I love you too Stan."

He was glad they'd sorted that out. Going back to watching the movie, Stan couldn't help but notice Wendy was frowning slightly. "What is it?" He asked, wrapping his arm around her shoulders affectionately.

"Stan, isn't the hearing for Cartman's parole next week?"

"Yeah, we have a meeting with the Deputy DA about it tomorrow."

She frowned deeper. "I wish I could testify too. Every person who gives that board evidence that he's unstable and dangerous is one more reason not to let him out."

"Kyle can't testify either, Wendy. Neither of you was directly involved, and the only reason I testified was because I gave the evidence of premeditation."

"I hate that I wasn't a part of that. I hate that you and the guys and Vicki hang out together without me."

Did Wendy really want to get into that? "We hang out together like that because Vicki appreciates things like farts and videogames and playing basketball at the park. She's one of the guys."

"So she's the guy with breasts?"

"...Pretty much."

Stan had grown accustom to her; almost desensitized in a way. Kyle still noticed she was female, but it didn't affect him much, and Kenny... well, he was her boyfriend. Vicki didn't do stupid things like talk about clothes and make-up, and rarely mentioned her body or female status when they were just hanging out together. And if she did, it was to tease Kyle and Kenny.

"And why can't I be like that too?" She pressed.

Stan thought about it for a second. "Because you've always been one of the girls, Wendy, rather than one of the guys. It's not that we're trying not to include you in things, it's just that we don't see you that way."

They finished the movie in silence, now having no clue what had gone on while they'd been talking. But when the credits rolled, Wendy kissed him and left without a word. He wasn't in the dog house, but she wasn't happy with him either.

*****************************************I've got my heart set, on anywhere but here*****************************************

Vicki let herself into the McCormick's house to find Karen sitting in front of the ancient TV, Stuart passed out on the couch, and Carole hanging up her coat in the closet—probably having just come home from her new job down at the bar. "Hey Vicki, you and Kenny are staying here tonight?"

"My parents are home, and there's only so much of Kenny's tree house a woman can take." She grinned. Carole had started getting her act together a bit better since her son's girlfriend had nearly died. It wasn't that she wasn't used to crazy things happening, but it was the fact that she hadn't even known that Kenny had a girlfriend that seemed to wake her up a bit. So she'd gotten a job at the bar, and wasn't drinking near as much. And it was good—she was actually pretty nice, if a little undereducated. Though she certainly wasn't blind, deaf and dumb to what her son and his girlfriend did. But that had been her and Stuart back in the day..."

"I said that about Stuart's play-fort when I was only a few years older than you are, and now we live in it. Though seein' as Kenny built that by himself, maybe he'll end up buildin' your first house instead. It wouldn't take much to build a simple cabin and an outhouse..." Carole seemed to be looking at Stuart's passed out form pointedly before sighing. "Be glad it's Kevin who's just like his father and not Kenny, Vicki. Kenny takes after my dad; dirt poor, but not too stupid, and willin' to work hard to try and make a change,"

"He's a good guy." Vicki agreed. "We're lucky to have each other."

Heading into Kenny's room, Vicki flopped down next to him on the bed. "Kenny, I think we have sex too much." She said, stopping his usual kiss before he'd even reached her lips.

Kenny stared at her for a second. "Why do you say that?"

"Because the average couple has sex once every day or two. On average, we do it twice a day, give or take, and sometimes those times are multiple rounds."

She knew his mind well enough that he was now sure sex was out the window tonight. "Vicki, if you want to cut back—"

"I want to know that that's not what's holding us together. I mean, even when I was healing from Cartman, we gave each other oral and tried out a few less rigorous things... What if all we are is best friends who fuck each other and think that's love?"

"Don't people talk about marriage being like spending the rest of their life with their best friend?"

Vicki gave him a pointed look. "Do you really think Stan and Kyle—the Super Best Friends—would spend the rest of their lives sharing even a house together? Really, Ken?"

He didn't—he was just trying to undermine her argument and they both knew it. "I love you, Vicki." He said instead. "I know it because every time I look at you, my heart skips a beat and I remember how it felt sitting in that auditorium together."

"That's not necessarily love, Kenny."

"According to Taylor Swift it is."

She giggled softly, and kissed Kenny chastely. "Well, I know you're not going to like this, but I think I need to wait until after the hearing for more sex. Not just for our relationship, but also because..." Oh, how was she going to word this? "Because I'm damn sore, Kenny, and I feel like an overused porn actress."

Vicki had to give him credit; he didn't laugh. "Why didn't you just tell me that?"

"Because when you think about it, it's embarrassing. I'm supposed to be the queen of the bedroom at South Park Elementary."

"Okay, Vicki. If you don't want sex, I think I can learn to handle that."

She raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Really, Kenny? Because that means no one's touching me for a week, and I'm not touching you either. You can jack off, or even go fuck Butters if you want to, but I'm not going to be a sexual creature."

"Okay." Kenny replied, kissing her before they both stripped down to their underwear and crawled into Kenny's creaky old bed. "...You know Butters really isn't my type though, right?"

"I know. He's too innocent for you."

****************************************I'm staring down myself, counting up the years***************************************

Park County Deputy DA Melinda Weston stood a moment in the doorway of her outer office, regarding the children gathered there. These kids were going to provide testimony against one of their friends to keep him in Juvie. Frankly, she didn't know how they'd made it through the trial—especially his victim, Vicki Monroe—but they certainly had some guts. Now they'd go through it again, and probably every time Eric Cartman came up for parole.

It was unusual, really, that the victims and witnesses would be testifying at the parole hearing, but the judge had made it a condition of parole. They'd wanted the board to recognize that Cartman's victims were in the place where he would be released to, that there was no way to impose 'no contact' in a small mountain town, and depending on his reaction to them, that he was still a threat.

Preferring to get the meetings over with, and let them get back to whatever kids did these days, Ms. Weston finally made her presence known. "Alright you guys, let's get started. Can I have Stan first please?"

Stan, the raven-haired boy she'd quickly decided was the level headed one six months ago, got up and followed her into the office. Facing him across her desk, Ms. Weston noticed that he looked a lot less worried this time around. "Stan, do you have any questions first? I know we went over the process right after the trial, so that you'd know what was coming up, but it's been six months."

"No, I think I remember everything." He replied evenly.

"Good. So basically, they're going to ask you the same sort of questions I did during the trial, and you'll have to answer with absolute honesty, Stanley. But the parole board may want you to give your opinions on Cartman, and I want you to tell them what you think about him, and whether or not he's a danger to you or your friends. Whatever you feel, even if it seems exaggerated to you, is important."

"So I should tell them he's a Neo-Nazi asshole?"

She couldn't hold back a chuckle at that. "Maybe not in those terms. But if you want to tell them he's a homicidal bully and bigot, I can't see why not."

They talked a little bit more about what the format of the hearing would be, and then Ms. Weston had Stan send Kenny in, for once not wearing the orange parka he'd refused to take off six months ago. This was the one she knew might be a problem. During the preliminary hearing, the charges of Cartman's attempted murder of Kenny McCormick had been thrown out, seeing as not only did Cartman pass a lie detector test about stabbing Kenny (he was deemed to have no memory of it at all), no one remembered him being brought to Hell's Pass Hospital, or being treated.

"Kenny, before we go into what you will be saying, I want to remind you that you can't talk about Cartman's attacking you. The courts didn't recognize it, so the parole board won't either. But you are still the primary witness for the attack on Vicki and probably had the most weight in that court room last time."

"I don't care if Cartman isn't charged with my attempted murder, or assault, or whatever. I just want him away from Vicki." Kenny scowled, eyes darting to the door that separated his girlfriend from his line of vision. "Next time he gets anywhere near her, I'm gonna kill him."

Ms. Weston frowned. "I didn't hear that last bit. And as for the hearing, just give them the truth, whether it's facts or how you feel and think about it. They won't be trying to discredit you like the defence during the trial, and I really wish we'd had a logical explanation for what happened to you... but we still got Cartman in the end, and that's what matters."

Kenny left and Vicki came in. She looked much better than she had during the trial; not only were the stitches in her cheek gone, but she looked a lot healthier, like a happy girl from Arizona ought to look. "How have you been doing, Vicki?"

"Good." She replied, looking towards the door for a second as her boyfriend had done. "Things with Kenny and I have really gotten deep."

"Oh?" Ms. Weston knew to a degree what Vicki had been doing with Kenny the day she was attacked. A rape kit had been collected, despite Vicki's insistence Cartman hadn't had time to penetrate her. It had come back positive for sex, negative for rape, and then she'd confided in her that yes, she and Kenny had sex, the same way she'd had sex with her boyfriend before him.

"We're still working on moderation between seeing our friends and spending time alone, but I'm working to balance it out. Kenny and I made sure I wasn't going to let what Cartman nearly did to me ruin intimacy with my boyfriend."

"That's really good to hear. I hope that this hearing doesn't have a negative impact on that. I know it's going to be tough to bring it all up again when it's been dead and buried for months, but we all know it's important."

Vicki nodded. "I'd rather talk about it to a bunch of strangers than let it happen again. Even if he moved to Alaska, I know Cartman would find a way back here to hurt us. He doesn't let things go."

After Vicki had left, the last one to call in was Leopold 'Butters' Stotch. The boy was slight, with angelic blonde hair and blue eyes. Not angelic in the renaissance artistic way, but in the fact that he radiated purity and innocence. He'd called Ms. Weston the night before, asking to be able to testify.

"I-I know I w-wasn't involved in the trial, Ms. Deputy D.A. m-ma'am." He stuttered out now, cheeks turning pink with self-consciousness. "But I'm the one who goes to visit Eric all the time—I know how he's doin' better than anyone."

"And how is he doing?"

"Not so good, ma'am; he wants to get Vicki away from Kenny because he thinks that havin' sex all the time isn't love and he could show her that."

Bingo; exactly what every Prosecutor wanted to hear before a parole hearing. "He's delusional."

"W-well, that depends on how you see it. He is right that sex isn't love. But I think Vicki and Kenny love each other more than Romeo and Juliet." Butters smiled a bit at the thought, and Ms. Weston found herself smiling too. "They met, got together in private when a lot of people didn't want them to, had sex quickly, and then nearly got killed. That sounds like Romeo and Juliet to me."

"It does." She agreed. "But you know the parole board will want to only hear about Cartman and so that's what we'll focus on. Butters, I think you may actually be the key to keeping him locked up. During the hearing, they're going to ask you questions about the types of things that Cartman talks about when you visit, and what sort of mental state he seems in. I want you to answer those questions as best you can."

"And what if I don't remember any details? It's not like I recorded my visits with him."

Recorded... "Butters, I have an idea. I want you to visit Cartman on Tuesday, two days before the hearing, to tell him about the preparations for it. I want you to go in there wearing a wire."

"A wire?"

"A hidden microphone so we can tape some of your conversation for evidence."

Butters suddenly looked uncomfortable. "W-well I don't know, ma'am. I don't want to mess things up and get grounded."

"I promise you won't get grounded." Ms. Weston assured him. He thought he'd get grounded? Must have strict parents... "So, do we have a deal?"

"Deal."

Melinda Weston is the kind of Deputy DA I would be...if I ever thought that law made enough logical sense that I wanted to practice it. I admit, I'm not familiar with the State of Colorado's legal system, so I might be bending things to suit my story, but then again...it's South Park. The Chewbacca defence flew in the episode Chef Aid.