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Chapter 1,

Rosalie was dwelling over babies again. It was a topic that Edward was tired of hearing about. Especially since she was a little whiny about it. Baby this and baby that. Edward was sick of it. He sat on his sofa and once again tried to tune out his sister's longing for what he had lost so many years ago.

Had it really been almost eighty years? Seventy seven years ago Aro killed his son while he watched helplessly. How did he survive these years? How did he let Carlisle convince him to survive? What was with that girl, Bella Swan?

He had the rest of eternity to figure out the answers. There was no point in paying attention in biology. His hand would skate across the paper as it always did and be a perfect transcript of the notes he was to be taking.

That girl lingered in his mind. He saw her face in the minds all around him. There was something about her...something unusual. He didn't know what yet and he didn't care enough to find out. It was dangerous to get involved with humans.

He heard it again. A girl thinking about babies. Was it everywhere? Was it just a general girl thing? She was late on her period and she was wondering if she was pregnant. He could smell that her hormones were just delayed. But her worry was amusing all the same. Humans were such emotional creatures.

Then he saw her again. Bella Swan. But this time she wasn't in someone's memory. She was in the same room. Then he realized something else. There was only one chair left and it was right next to him. She walked by him and he was driven insane by the scent she had. Her blood was so sweet and so tempting it made his throat burst into flames.

Then she sat next to him. Edward closed his eyes and held his breath. He sat as far away from her as the desk would allow and clenched his fist. She glanced over at him. He kept still, like a statue.

Think of something else, think of something beyond how delicious her blood would taste. So sweet and warm...no! Stop that right now Edward! Remember Emma!

But her blood had never called to him. It was easy to remember the control he had when it came to his former love. That hadn't stopped him from draining her. He could still remember how it was that day. That horrible, horrible day when he realized fully what he was, second only to the day he lost the way ray of light in his life. He could remember it clearly and he hated that.

"What are you doing here?" Emma asked. Edward took her hand gently and she tensed.

"I love you, you know that."

"Oh, Edward," she sighed. She looked out the window and put her hand on her stomach. "This thing hurts."

It was more of an afterthought than anything. "I'm so sorry," Edward said yet again, "if I had known...Emma you know I would have never done anything to hurt you."

"Yet here we are. All because I couldn't resist you."

"I don't know if I should be happy or sad about that."

"Be whatever you'd like I suppose," she murmured.

"I can hear him," Edward said after a awkward silence, "inside I can hear what he's thinking."

She turned her head a little, showing that he had her attention. He was distracted momentarily by the way her pale brown hair was so beautiful in the messy bun, with one gentle coil hanging down by her face. She was a dainty thing. Edward knew that it had been a mistake but when she wasn't broken he was happy. Though he didn't enjoy the experience enough to attempt it again.

"He loves you. He is very sorry that he is hurting you and he can't wait to meet you....and me...apparently."

Emma smiled a little and looked down at the huge belly. "So what are we going to do?" she asked.

"I'll leave if you'd like, I can take him and we'll go. I won't make you do anything you do want to."

"And yet you're making me carry this thing," Emma said, "this thing that will probably kill me."

"I won't let it," Edward promised, holding her hands tighter, but letting go when she winced, "Emma I won't let you die. If anything goes wrong I can bite you and..."

"Condemn me to hell just like you? I'd rather keep my soul, Edward. I can't become something unholy."

"You just said you didn't want it to kill you!"

"I said it probably would, not that I would want to become a...like you, to avoid it. I don't want to trade my soul for immortality."

"You think I did?" Edward asked.

"Didn't you?"

"Carlisle changed me when I lay dying. I didn't have a say. But I am thankful to him. He had been a wonderful friend and mentor to me. He changed Esme just before she died from jumping off a cliff. We aren't all bad."

"The bible tells me what is bad."

"The bible doesn't say a word about vampires," Edward reminded her, "just demons and hells creatures."

"Don't vam...pires..." she had such difficulty saying the word, "fit into that category?"

Edward sighed, defeated. He could hear how she saw him in both voices. "Yes, I suppose we do."

"Then I won't become one," she said with a firm certainty in her voice.

They were silent. She drank the blood to sustain her child with tears on her cheeks. He knew she was trapped between a rock and a hard place. She couldn't purposely starve her child, her faith wouldn't allow it, and yet she knew what she was carrying was part his, an unholy creature. Edward watched her with pained eyes. He wanted so much to have her forever. To have her understand that he loved her so dearly. He reached over and brushed away some of her tears.

"Please don't cry, Emma, I can't stand it."

"Oh shut up," Emma cried, "you don't know what this is like for me! You have no idea how much I care about you and how much I wish you were normal so that we could be happy together!"

Edward stayed silent. He heard his child's confused thoughts from within her, asking him if this was somehow his fault. Edward wanted to say no, it wasn't the little guy's fault but his own.

"Just leave me," Emma sighed, dabbing her eyes, "I'm tired."

Edward nodded and kissed her hand and then her belly before leaving. He was almost gone when he heard a crack. He turned and ran in and found that she was throwing up a river of blood. Her cries pierced through his heart.

"GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!" she screamed. He nodded. He held his breath and cut her open. His throat was on fire but he took out the baby. The squirming, wailing child. He set the child aside and went to Emma. He couldn't lose her. He wouldn't lose her. All thoughts left his mind besides saving her. Saving her because he loved her.

He bit into her. He felt it happen instantly. The monster within him, the red eyed beast that he tried to hard to control, broke free. Suddenly her blood was cooling the burn in his throat and filling him with a delicious warmth.

NO! NO STOP! he screamed at himself. But he didn't stop. He couldn't stop. She was gone now. he fell back and realized what he had done.

The bell rang, shaking Edward from his thoughts. He grabbed his books and left quickly. He bypassed Spanish, getting confused thoughts from Emmett, and tossed his keys to Alice as he passed. He ran as soon as his feet hit a deserted hallway. He brushed through the pack of students in the next one with ease. They didn't notice a thing, just a whirl of wind and a gentle cool brush that could have come from anything.

He ran as fast as his legs would allow and he reached home in no time. He slowed as he ran in.

"Mom!" he called. "Mom are you here?!"

His senses were cloudy. All he could see was the monster in him that was so close to coming out again to devour Bella.

Esme appeared with a worried expression. She caught her son in her arms and let him sob into her shoulder.

"I don't know what to do!" he sobbed, "I can't hurt her like I did before."

"Who dear?" Esme asked.

"Bella," he said. Esme knew who she was. Everybody did. "I sit next to her in biology and her blood...her blood is like sweets to a child! I tried to think about something else and I ended up remembering Emma and how I killed her. I'm a monster Esme!"

"None of that," Esme scolded, she led him to the sofa and had him lay down with his head on her lap, like she did with all of her children when they were upset. Edward loved the way it felt. Esme always smelt of honey and flowers. Her gentle hand would comb lightly through his hair and she would make him feel better. It was always wonderful to see Emmett getting his calming session. "Now, Edward, you are not a monster."

"Am too."

"Listen to me now darling," Esme said in her gently mothering voice, "we are what we are. You tried to save her but very few of us have the control needed. What matters is that you were able to hold on long enough to save who you could."

"Only to let them kill him later," Edward muttered bitterly.

"I know how it feels to lose a child," Esme said, "and I know that it hurts more than anything else in the world. Life goes on even when you don't want it to, and we just have to make the most of it."

She knew that there was nothing she could say to make him feel better. She let him cry it out and gently smoothed his hair, mentally fussing over how messy it was, earning a sad laugh from Edward.

"You really should work on it," Esme sighed.

"Who has that kind of time?" Edward asked, with a laugh. Esme poked him on the forehead. They ended up laughing until he felt better and when he did he sat up and sighed. "I need to get away for a while."

"I understand," Esme said sadly, "but please come home soon. You know I get anxious when I can't watch over you."

"Yes, mom," Edward said. Esme hugged him tight.

"You're a wonderful man, Edward, and a better son than any mother deserves," she said softly.

"I wish I could believe you."

"You'll see it someday," Esme assured him. She kissed his forehead and then let him go.

---

He drove Carlisle's car. He laughed when he got an irritated text from his father that simply read would it have killed you to leave your volvo for me?

He texted back, Yes it would.

He drove fast and long, stopping for gas every once in a while, until he came to a cemetery in Wisconsin. He got out of the car and walked through the snow. He stopped when he came to a rather nice stone. He brushed the snow off.

Emma Rogers

He sat in the white powder and sighed. "I know you hated me for what I did to you," he said finally, "I know I never deserved you. But Emma I am sorry."

Why was he here? Why did Bella chase him here of all places?

"I loved our son so much," he said, "I wanted you to see him. I wanted you to survive. Maybe not even for him. Maybe just for me. I'm selfish, Emma, you know that."

He touched the stone and sighed, "I never deserved you. I'm a soulless monster."

He looked at her name. Loving daughter. He drew his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them.

"You hated him didn't you," he murmured finally. "You hated me for what I did to you. But Kellan...Kellan was a wonderful boy. He was the best son any man could ask for. I was never good enough for you was I. We could have been together forever."

He felt something towards the woman he still loved that he had never felt before. He felt anger. His fists clenched and his jaw tightened. He looked angrily at the stone. "You loved me too. Until you learned what I was you loved me. I adored you. I wanted to give you everything I had!"

His phone buzzed. He picked it up.

"Eddie, bro, come home," Emmett said

"Yeah, Edward, please," Alice begged. He was on speaker.

"Let it go, son," Carlisle's gentle voice said, "it's time."

Edward nodded even though Carlisle couldn't see it. He stood up and turned to go home. To face the mysterious girl head on, and to leave his past behind him. He wasn't the monster that killed Emma. He was better at the lifestyle he had chosen. Better than he had been seventy some years ago when he killed Emma. He had control now. He had gone through his phase of killing humans for their blood. But that was a long time ago. He was going to overcome the urge to kill Bella. He couldn't run anymore. He wouldn't run anymore.

TBC

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