The Bad Touch Trio and the Goblet of Hilarity
Snape recalls sexual harassment, T.M.I and there are panties involved.

~.~.~

-
Severus Snape was long used to imbecilic children gallivanting about the corridors of the castle. Bumping into one another, laughing loudly, bullying the first years or plotting (in the Weasley Twins case).

He had once been one of the imbecilic children himself when he had attended Hogwarts many years before. Nearly twenty years had passed since then, when he had been a boy in his prime with Lily...and the blasted Marauders, the oafs, the insufferable quartet, the plotting moronic foursome. Those...demons.

Snape was sure he had never met such a damnable pack of idiots since then and he was glad. Even Potter(Junior) and his merry band could not compete. Fred and George Weasley came close but stopped short.

None would be as bad as the original-

"Fernandez!"

"Buenos días Profesor! You look troubled. Is everything alright?"

Was everything alright? No. Not even close to being alright. The good professor could feel his blood pressure rising and he had to fight the urge to slam his palm against his forehead in exasperation. He closed his eyes and counted to ten in hopes that when his eyes opened that Fernandez would...not be in front of him anymore.

His eyes opened, caught sight of glittering green eyes. He closed his eyes again and counted...again this time out loud.

In Latin.

"Primus..."

"Its a very nice day so I decided to have a jog. I ran into Francis on my way to the lake-"

"Quartus..."

"-told me that the nargles were going to attack so I said-"

"Octavus..." Of course, Bonnefoy was involved. Severus should have known.

Counting would not work not. Not with the tick in his eye, the throbbing vein in his neck and the need to acquaint his palm with his forehead growing stronger the longer Fernandez spoke.

"¿Estás bien Profesor?"

"I'm fine." No he wasn't. "Fernandez, where are your clothes?"

Ah, now that was the question of the hour. Where were Fernandez's clothes?

"Mi ropa?" Fernandez had the gall to appear embarrassed. "I had to take it off. Francis told me that I had to run around la escuela naked to scare the nargles away. I was protecting la escuela!"

"I...see..."

Professor Severus Snape infamous and terrifying a man known for taking points for even the smallest of things and giving detention at the drop of a hat had now decided to give in to temptation.

As his hand rose, palm upward, to meet his face there was a loud explosion coming from behind him. A terrible stench filled the air pausing his actions. He turned towards the stench.

Two figures, one with long silvery hair and another with the familiar bleached blond, sped passed him.

"Kesesesese! Did you see their faces? You'd think they've never been hit with a few dozen dung bombs before! C'mon Coco, run faster!"

"Did you have to include Professor McGonagall in your little prank?"

"Our prank, Coco."

"Don't bloody remind me!"

They were around the corner in an instant, their hurried steps quite literally dulled by the pounding of a few dozen stinking Gryfindor's and one angry Gryfindor Head of House following them with wands out and ready to hex the living day lights out of the two Slytherin's.

Severus would have to ask Beilschmidt and Malfoy how they managed to get into the Gryfindor common room later.

Now where was he? Oh yes, right. Now, as his palm came flying towards his face with added speed just for kicks he continued to give into sweet temptation and-

-and Weasley barreled out of the cupboard to his right. His clothes were in disarray the button of his trousers was opened revealing pink underwear (with lace), his shirt was backwards and inside out and he was missing a one of his trainers. And a sock.

Francis Bonnefoy pranced out right after, appearing sated and quite confused. He was holding what appeared to be a pair of boxer shorts in his hand. "But cher, they look quite appealing sur le cul."

"Its humiliating! Why do you even own womens undergarments?" Weasley shouted as he fastened the button on his trousers. His face matched half his house colors, bright glaring red. "Did you get them from one of your conquests? They had better not be."

"Non, cher Ron, they are actually mine."

"You wear them?"

"Oui."

The loud slap from his palm sent Severus' head flying back probably causing some sort of irreparable damage to his neck. Not that he cared, at least now with the ache in his neck and the pain spreading from his forehead to his temples rid him of the images of not only Fernandez (who was still standing there naked) but of Ronald Weasley wearing pink panties...

Why oh why had Severus not retired?

Why oh why did his student's this year not care for propriety at all?

And why on Earth was Antonio Fernandez Carriedo still standing in front of him in nothing but a pair of tattered trainers on his feet?

"For the love of Salazar, can someone get this boy a robe!"

His shout finally got the attention of the perverted Gryfindor couple to his right. Weasely's blush exceeded red and turned purple upon noticing his professor. If the situation were different Ron might have laughed at the hand print of Snape's forehead but in his current situation it wasn't funny.

Because Snape had heard it, he heard it didn't he, that Ron was wearing a pair of panties belonging to Francis Bonnefoy?

So not funny, not even a little funny at all.

"Its not what you think!" Ron shouted. "I...we...nothing happened! I swear nothing whatsoever inappropriate happened in that cupboard!"

"Well cher, it was just a little inappropriate."

"Francis!"

"There is nothing wrong with admitting to sweet faire l'amour."

"What? I don't speak French!"

But Severus did which made explaining what "faire l'amour" meant all the more awkward for them, well for Weasley and Severus. Fernandez seemed just fine standing in a pewter robe that Weasley had ripped from Bonnefoy's shoulders and thankfully covered the naked Ravenclaw with. Bonnefoy was busying himself with peeking into Fernandez robes.

"Fifty points from Gryfindor!"

"Just fifty?"

"Did you want me to remove more, Weasley?"

Why only fifty points? Maybe Severus was going soft or maybe the singing in his neck and the migraine beating against his temples and just behind his eyes may have something to do with it.

Actually, if he really thought about it, Weasley beating Bonnefoy in the head with his other trainer (the one that had not been missing) it was easy to see why Severus had only deducted fifty points. There was a sort of perverse satisfaction to see Bonnefoy getting punched by Weasley.

"What are you saying you frog? There was no faire l'amour you bloody pervert!"

Suddenly, Severus began to remember his own hellish school days with the Marauders-Potter (Senior) in particular. He shuddered. Could things get any worse today? Running into a naked student, the stench lingering in the air, the full knowledge that two students were currently in a very strange and unusual sexual relationship with panty swapping...how could it possibly get worse then this?

"Franny! Tonio! Guys guess what we did!"

Seems like it could.

Gillian Beilschmidt ran into Francis Bonnefoy's opened arms hugging him tightly. Her bright red ruby eyes glittered up at Bonnefoy. "You missed it. It was awesome!"

"Gilly ¿qué hiciste?" Fernandez asked. He greeted Malfoy with a handshake.

"Awesome and Coco totally pulled the greatest prank today!" She then went on explaining with great detail and exaggeration. Her hands coming up in wild erratic movements, Bonnefoy was poked in the eye.

Why was Severus still standing there? Why hadn't he left?

"...the look on Hermione's face when it exploded in her lap was priceless and...Coco? What are you looking at?"

"That's what I would like to know." Malfoy stepped towards Weasley and leaned down just a bit. He was staring at something at Weasley's side. "Weasley, what is that?"

A pink thin strap at Weasley's side, peeking just above the trouser top. It was suddenly, with much disdain and nausea that Severus smacked his forehead with his palm again.

"Weasley...are...are you wearing pink thong underwear?"

"...no."

"Hey! Why are you wearing Awesome's panties?"

"What? Yours? FRANCIS!"

"Not le visage!"

"¡Qué divertido!"

"Weasley, I knew you were poor but...stealing women's undergarments and wearing them? That is just depraved..."

"Shut it Malfoy!"

Severus walked away. If he really thought about it now, he could admit that he may have found students worse then the Marauders (Potter Senior in particular).

'Oi Snape, it that a wand in your pocket or are just happy to see me?'

'Get away from me Potter.'

'Aw call me James!'

'Never and get that bloody bra away from me!'

'But I got this just for you!'

...okay maybe not worse then the Marauders (Potter Senior) but they did come close.

~.~.~

-

...um...I have no excuse for the light James/Snape stuff. Take it as you will but ya know, it kind makes sense that Snape hates Harry. That perverse satisfaction in seeing Francis get punched making sense now right? How many time did young Snape want to punch James for being a pervert? Ha!

...actually I no excuse for this period. Crack. Total and complete weirdness. I already know it's weird so no flames.

Took me a while to write it. Snape is hard to write and humor, even more difficult. I'm debating whether to add a certain Belarusian character here. I think Black Rose Authoress knows what I'm talking about (lol just lol). I hope you guys like it! I worked pretty hard.

Muse-Tan