Author Note – it's been a while so I'll keep this short. A small reference to Inconceivable. Please read and review.
No Place Like Home – chapter two
Olivia watches in interest as Noah sneaks around the back of her sofa, peeking over it at their guest with every few steps he makes. He's trying hard not to laugh and she can't help but smile. She knows where this is going.
Fortunately, so does their guest.
She bites her lip as Elliot indulges Noah and pretends not to notice him as he approaches the end of the sofa. They've done this three times while she's been preparing coffee for her and Elliot. Noah stops at the end of the sofa, peeks around it to see if Elliot is looking at him. Elliot plays into it, pointedly looking anywhere but at Noah and Olivia can't stop the laugh that escapes. Noah admonishes her with a shake of his head.
"Ssh Mama," he says in a loud whisper and puts his finger to his lips. She mirrors the action back at him and tries not to laugh again when he casts her with a doubtful appraisal and a small shake of his head. A few seconds later he peeks around the sofa again to find Elliot pretending he hasn't heard any of the exchange between them.
As Noah prepares to spook him, Elliot suddenly ducks down on the sofa, edging towards the end where Noah is hiding. Olivia smothers her mouth with her hand as Noah jumps out with a loud "Boo" only to have Elliot shouting it back to him, shocking the toddler to silence in the process. Seconds later Noah's lip starts to quiver but before his shock can turn to tears Elliot scoops him up and starts tickling him.
Olivia relaxes when Noah's laughter fills the room. Tearing her eyes from the scene she picks up the coffee cups and walks into the living room, sitting next to Elliot as he settles Noah on his lap. Once comfortable, Noah looks up at her.
"Mama, E'iot scare me," he declares with a big smile.
"I know, you were going to scare him too," Olivia replies.
"Yeah," Noah agrees with a nod and then reaches forward for his sippy cup on the coffee table, completely unaware of the smile the adults share.
Her eyes meet Elliot's and hold. "Thank you," she says quietly.
"What for?" Elliot asks.
"I don't know," Olivia sighs with a shake of her head.
Her anxiety had been building steadily for the last week she almost called the whole thing off. She tried to act normally when they skyped and maybe she was hyper aware of Elliot as they spoke but he seemed to withdraw as well and that only served to make her more nervous. She had been pacing the apartment all morning with Noah following her around because he thought it was a game. She stared stupidly at the door for a long moment when Elliot's loud knock echoed through the apartment and Noah was the one who raced to the door in anticipation, declaring they needed to see who was on the other side. She was spurred into action when Elliot knocked again and Noah answered him by knocking on their side of the door. Opening the door, she realised all of her worries were unfounded as she looked Elliot in the eye for the first time in over a year. His lopsided grin slowly grew across his face as he seemed just as relieved to see her. There was a pause and both inched forward, their arms widening to hug but they chickened out as Noah cried out Elliot's name and all of their focus was diverted to the toddler. Olivia quickly invited Elliot across the threshold. That anxious excitement hadn't completely disappeared but it was easier to ignore as Noah took centre stage. He was initially confused by Elliot's arrival and insisted on finding her phone, assuming that was how they would talk to Elliot even though he was with them in the apartment.
"Nervous?" Elliot offers, not satisfied with her answer. Olivia meets his eyes over Noah's head. Then he bumps her knee with his, careful not to jostle Noah. "Me too," he admits quietly.
"Why are you nervous?"
Elliot doesn't answer, his eyes bore into hers as if he's wondering how she will react. She hates that they second guess themselves or anything they want to say to one another. There was a time neither would have worried about it. She misses that time. She hasn't changed, she is still unwilling to let anyone see her as vulnerable. Elliot doesn't either, but something is clearly bothering him. So she bumps his knee this time. It works as his eyes soften as he flashes a quick smile before quickly looking around the room as he clears his throat.
"I know how long you've wanted all of this," he gestures at the pictures of Noah on the wall, his eyes pausing on them briefly before he turns back to Olivia. "And I was worried I would open my big mouth and ruin today."
"You haven't," Olivia assures him.
"Yeah, well, give it time," Elliot jokes with a small smile which doesn't reach his eyes.
"I think we're good, Noah likes you. He doesn't scare just anyone," she smiles.
At the sound of his name, Noah looks up. Holding out his cup to Olivia he says, "All gone Mama."
"You were thirsty, huh?" Noah nods in reply. "Do you want some more?" Olivia asks.
"No," Noah shakes his head, yawning as he snuggles further into Elliot. He grows quiet and Olivia knows what's coming. On cue Noah's mouth opens in a wide yawn. With a sigh he relaxes back and his eyes begin to dip as he yawns again. A few minutes pass as all three fall quiet as Noah lulls between consciousness and sleep. His quiet snores soon fill the silence and both adults watch the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest.
"I should probably move him to his bed," Olivia says when she's certain Noah is asleep but she's reluctant to do anything that will shatter the moment.
"He seems comfortable enough where he is," Elliot replies lifting his gaze from the boy to meet Olivia's.
"Yeah," Olivia bobs her head, clearing her throat. "So," she says awkwardly. "How's Vegas?"
"It's alright for the most part," Elliot answers with a grimace.
"You hate it." It may sound like a question but it's not one. She knows him. She knew the security company he bought into was doing well and had built a good reputation. She also knew the ostentatious city would piss him off.
"I really do," he agrees with a slow bob of his head. "The kids love it but they're not there all the time. I don't know," Elliot sighs. "It's…it's not…" he trails off.
"It's not what?" She presses. She's tempted to edge closer but instead her body turns more towards him.
"It's not home," Elliot finishes.
"What are you going to do?"
He stares back at her, hesitant again. "I'm moving back to New York," he says deliberately pausing to judge her reaction. When she gives none he elaborates. "We're expanding and we've been offered the opportunity to bid for a few security contracts here. I'm making the proposals this week."
It's hard to think of Elliot as anything other than a cop at times. It's harder to imagine Elliot delivering a speech to a bunch of businessmen. Despite his military and police training it's difficult for him to work with anyone he may perceive as looking down at him and he gets defensive in that type of situation. Still she says nothing. Not because she wants to hold back or spare his feelings but because she has nothing to say.
"Say something Liv," Elliot quietly says, a whisper come hiss, almost like he's begging.
"I don't know what to say, I don't know what you expect."
He looks hurt by her answer or lack thereof. This isn't her decision. This isn't even her life. This is what she was afraid of when they planned today. She never even realised it. While they had contact, their lives didn't revolve around one another anymore. It's taken a long time to get used to that. It would be nice to have him back in New York; it would be nice for Noah to know him properly, not just via camera or phone. She doesn't expect much will change though because they're both so busy with work and when she's not at work she's with Noah.
Elliot shakes his head. "I don't know what I expect."
"What do you mean?"
Elliot sighs. Then it hits her. He's asking for her permission; she isn't sure if he realises it or not. Their dynamic is shifting and he's asking her to make this decision for both of them. In the past their complications have stemmed from making decisions separately and then assume the other will be happy and comply with it. Of course it never ended the way either of them intended, other people and their rules dictated their lives. That obstacle won't be there if he moved back to New York and Elliot was offering her a chance to dictate their future. Only she doesn't want to shoulder that responsibility alone, doesn't want to shoulder the blame when it all went wrong.
"I don't know what you want, you don't need my approval Elliot," she tells him. "I'm not the reason you're moving back to New York."
"You're not the reason," he admits, promises. "You are a factor though." Again he watches her to gage her reaction but she doesn't know how he expects her to response. She is well aware of how her lack of reaction will put him on edge, how it puts her on edge the longer the silence continues.
"This is why you were nervous?" Olivia asks and Elliot nods. She sighs and licks her lips. "You don't need my permission."
"What if I want it?"
In all the time they've known each other they've never asked the other for it. She hates to think that their relationship may have deteriorated so much that Elliot feels like he needs or wants it. He never gave that impression whenever they spoke, but then intermittent contact via skype, email, or text is completely different from being face to face or even being in the same city, even if it is as large and vast as New York. Without realising it he's pushing her and with a burst of courage she can't help but push back, meeting his honesty with honesty.
"Do you want my permission? Or do you want me to say I want you here?"
"I want your opinion. I want to know my return isn't going to mess up your life." He shakes his head and looks down at Noah nestled in his arms. "Probably not a conversation we should have right now. He would be more comfortable in his bed," Elliot prompts while shifting Noah towards her carefully so not to disturb the sleeping child.
She moves automatically and it is almost seamless as he passes Noah to her. She needs a short break so she rises from the sofa and walks the short distance to Noah's room. Like she has done since he came to live her she lays Noah in his bed without rousing him, stroking his hair from his forehead as he rolls into his preferred sleeping position. She watches for a moment, trying to calm herself but her shock continues to fester. Disappointment in herself and Elliot and how quickly the situation devolves and their instinctual response to deflect when they're in a room alone. It's that disappointment that propels her from Noah's room.
"You never messed up my life Elliot," Olivia says as she emerges from the hallway to find him sitting in the same position she left him in. He looks like he's deep in thought but she knows it's his cover, pretending not to hear her when he's dwelling on her words. He only turns to her when she retakes her place on the sofa. "I never had the opportunity for this life when we worked together, and that was circumstance not you."
He doesn't answer and she knows he blames himself. She hates to admit that thought has crossed her mind once or twice. Deep down she knows it wasn't his fault. The first time she applied to adopt she was turned down because of her job and lack of outside support. From his vehement, unbidden utterance of 'They're wrong' she knew he would have helped however he could.
"Sometimes I feel like I held you back," Elliot admits quietly.
"Sometimes I hate that you blame yourself for everything even when it's out of your control." Despite themselves they both laugh. It's not a happy one and they sober quickly. "Elliot, my life isn't going to change if you move back to New York."
"You can't know that," Elliot argues.
"Neither can you," Olivia counters. "Why do we always assume change is a bad thing?"
"Noah certainly isn't," he insists.
"No, he's not," she agrees, her smile blossoming across her face. "I want him to know you."
"I want to know him," Elliot promises sincerely. "You're a great mom, I always knew you would be." 'They're wrong.'
"Thank you," Olivia says simply, she doesn't have any other answer for him beyond that, it means a lot to her for him to hear him say that. Their eyes hold for a beat. Elliot breaks away first, taking the opportunity to change the subject. This time she lets him.
"You have any idea why Munch wants us all to meet?"
"Maybe he's finally retiring."
Elliot shakes his head. "Can you imagine Munch not working?"
"I try not to think about it," Olivia muses. "It'll be good."
"It will. Do you want me to pick you up on the way?" Elliot asks.
TBC