If you don't like people smashing pumpkins, I suggest you turn back now.

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Act II

Chorus: So now Romeo is in love with Juliet. Man, you think this guy would fall for someone other than a Capulet. I mean, sheesh, he should know that won't work out. Is he really that dumb? Seriously, he….

Shakespeare: You fool! You're supposed to just tell them that he's in love with Juliet, got it!

Chorus: Well I can't help it if this play sucks.

Shakespeare: SUCKS! How dare you say that! I could have your head cut off for that! And it's supposed to be a tragedy! Did you honestly think it would have a happy ending!

Chorus: Well it would have been better if it did.

Shakespeare: Why you…

Audience: CAN WE GET ON WITH THE PLAY!

Shakespeare: Fine, fine. -glares at the Chorus- We'll talk about this later.

Scene 1- Capulet's orchard, or pathetic excuse for one considering that everything's rotten.

Starts off with Romeo sitting alone on a rock talking to a rotten pumpkin

Romeo: Juliet is so hot. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE A CAPULET!

Rotten Pumpkin: ……..

Romeo: You know, you could give me some advice here.

Rotten Pumpkin: …….

Romeo: ARRGGHHH! YOU USELESSS LITTLE…ERRR! -smashes the pumpkin with his foot- That's it! I'm gonna go confess my love for her! -leaves-

-enter Benvolio & Mercutio-

Benvolio: Hey cuz, where are you!

Mercutio: Benvolio, do you honestly think that's going to work. He's waayyy too obsessed with Rosaline.

Benvolio: Well then, what should we do?

Mercutio: Well I say…-sees the smashed pumpkin- NO!

Benvolio: What?

Mercutio: He smashed a pumpkin!

Benvolio: Dude, it's like, a pumpkin. A rotten one too, man.

Mercutio: I know, but I could've used it in a pie.

Benvolio: Dude, why would you want to make a pie with a rotten pumpkin?

Mercutio: So I could throw it at Tybalt.

Benvolio: But then he'd get mad and kill you or something like that.

Mercutio: So? It'd be hilarious!

Benvolio: Whatever man. -they leave-

Scene 2- Capulat's orchard, again.

Romeo is walking through some dead trees and bushes.

Romeo: Aggh….these plants are making my scars feel wounds. -Juliet appears at the balcony, but unknown to her, the nurse is behind holding up a sign with words on it- But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the…..the…..-whispers- Nurse, could you hold that up a little higher? -the Nurse holds it up higher-…..the evil moon.

Nurse: -slaps herself in the face-

Romeo: And the maid is….is…freakin hotter then she is. But she can't be her maid, because she's evil and ugly and green and sick. And only fools wear it. It is my lady, my love, my preciousssss. But she doesn't know anything, she won't even speak to me. Her eyes can speak, but I have no clue what they're saying. I am too…too bald? Too bald to speak?

Nurse: -is about to faint because he is obviously not saying what the sign says-

Romeo: She is the bitch of the stars in all of heaven and she has business with them. She does not have any eyes in her head. Her cheek is like a dull shiny thing. A lamp would be brighter than her eyes if she did have eyes. The air has a bright stream, that is so bright, that birds would act stupider than they already are and think it was daytime. See how her hand touches her hand. If only I was a glove that was on that hand so I could touch her cheek! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I JUST SAID!

Nurse: -faints-

Juliet: NOOOO! I BROKE ANOTHER NAIL! And I thought I heard someone saying something, but it didn't make any sense.

Romeo: She spoke? YES! SPEAK! SPEAK AGAIN!

Juliet: Oh Romeo, Romeo, where are you Romeo? -looks around- ROMEO WHERE ARE YOU!

Shakespeare: Where is Romeo!

Romeo: Sorry, I had to go pee, so I went on that bush over there. points at a dead bush

Shakespeare: -faints-

Juliet: YOU PEED ON MY FATHER'S BUSH!

Romeo: But it was already dead.

Juliet: But that wasn't just any bush, -sniffles- IT WAS A ROSE BUSH!

Romeo: Why is it so important that it was a rose bush!

Juliet: -sniffles- Because Daddy said that roses are pink. I LIKE PINK!

Romeo: Okaayyyy……so, uhhhh….what do you wanna talk about?

Juliet: Let's talk about my beautiful face!

Rome: How about no?

Juliet: YOU THINK MY FACE IS UGLY!

Romeo: That's not what I meant! I just want to talk about something other than faces.

Juliet: Like what?

Romeo: Oh, I don't know, how about we get married?

Juliet: I should think really hard about this before I give an answer. -5 second pause- Okay! I'll marry you!

Romeo: Yey! Now, what do you say tomorrow around nine you send me your nurse so I can tell her to uhh…say whatever Shakespeare wrote.

Juliet: Okay! Well then, goodnight! But it's so sad, though.

Romeo: Why?

Juliet: Cause I broke three nails in one day, which means I have to marry with three broken nails! Do you have any idea what that's like!

Romeo: No, well, I must be going, goodnight!

Scene 3 - Friar Laurence's dirty, bone-filled, cell.

Friar Laurence is singing

Friar: -is singing- I have little flowers in my little basket and now I'm skipping in a field of flowers with my good friend Benvoliooooo! And we're picking little flowers…

Romeo: FRIAR LAURENCE!

Friar: What is it now! Can't you see I'm singing?

Romeo: Friar, are you gay?

Friar: No, what made you think that? And do you really need to ask that? There are children here!

Romeo: You were singing about picking flowers with my cousin.

Friar: Can't a man of God sing about picking flowers with his friend without being mistaken for a homosexual!

Romeo: No.

Friar: Urrgghhh…..is that all you came here for?

Romeo: No! I want you to marry me and Juliet tomorrow!

Friar: Really? Let me think about this…..-turns around- Yes! This is perfect! With them married, the two families will completely forget about their stupid quarrel and come together as one and they'll never know that it was my ancestor who cheated on them. MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Romeo: Uhhh….I don't mean to be rude, but do you always mutter and laugh like that when you turn around?

Friar: What? I wasn't laughing, I was….blowing my nose! And yes, I'll marry you and Juliet tomorrow!

Romeo: THANKYOU! -hugs him-

Friar: -evil look appears on his face- Peeeerrrfffeccctt…..

Scene 4- A Filthy Street that is filled with rats and old people coughing up their lungs.

Starts off with Mercutio and Benvolio looking for Romeo.

Mercutio: Where the heck is Romeo!

Benvolio: Dude, chill out, he's like, probably, like, making out with Rosaline, man, but I'm only saying that cause his old man didn't know where he was, man.

Mercutio: Err…if he doesn't get over that woman quick, he's gonna be driven mad by love.

Benvolio: How can you be driven mad by love?

Mercutio: Look at yourself, you love everything, it's pathetic.

Benvolio: Whatever man, by the way, what do you think of Tybalt?

Mercutio: Why in the world do you want to know about Tybalt? He's nothing but a man who smells so bad, that cats mistake him for fish and follow him around, which is why call him The King of Cats.

Benvolio: Cause I thought I saw him standing behind youbut it was just an old guy. -sees Romeo- Hey, it's Romeo!

Mercutio: Behold, for I know French! Bonjour Romeo, where the heck have you been!

Romeo: Is that any way to greet your friend! Alright, how much do you want?

Mercutio: Fifty!

Romeo: Alright. -hands him some coins-

Mercutio: Ahem!

Romeo: Fine. -hands him some pink flowers-

Benvolio: I'm confused……

Mercutio: He still has pay me for the money he owes me from that poker game we had three years ago. And, I like pink flowers.

Benvolio: Dude, you're like, really weird.

-enter Nurse and Peter-

Mercutio: -sees the nurse- Hey look! A sailboat!

Nurse: Peter, give me my fan.

Mercutio: Yes, give her the fan so she can hide her horrible face. HAHAHAHAHA!

Nurse: You think I'm ugly, eh? -wacks Mercutio with fan, causing him to fall to the ground unconscious- Take that you spoiled little brat! MUWAHAHAHAHA!

Benvolio: Dude, she like, scares me, man.

Nurse: Romeo, may I speak with you?

Benvolio: What do you want with my cuz, man?

Nurse: I am no man! -draws out a sword- DIE WITCH KING!

Benvolio: -screams like a little girl-

Shakespeare: -slaps himself in the face- You moron, that's from Lord of the Rings !

Nurse: Oh, in that case…

Mercutio: -wakes up and starts singing- I like eating bunnies, especially during Lent!

Benvolio: YOU EAT BUNNIES! HOW COULD YOU! THEY'RE SO CUTE! -starts dragging Mercutio- THIS IS WHY I'M A VEGETARIAN! -walks away-

Romeo: Well…now that they're gone, what is it?

Nurse: This…-looks up at the sky- OH GOD! DO NOT LET THEIR MARRIAGE END IN DISASTER! JULIET IS A WONDERFUL, BUT DUMB, WOMAN! THEY BELONG TOGETHER! SO PLEASE, DO NOT LET IT END IN DISASTER JUST AS THE STARS SAID IT WOULD! HALLEJUHAH AND AMEN!

Shakespeare: What? That's not in the script!

Romeo: Why in the world did you scream that?

Nurse: Just my way of wishing you good luck and for your honeymoon, I suggest you go to Greece, I heard it's lovely at this time of the year.

Scene 5- Capulet's rotten orchard

Juliet is sitting on a rock, wondering where the nurse is

Juliet: I sent out the nurse about an hour ago to find Romeo and still hasn't returned. -pauses for a moment and we start to hear crickets chirping- WHERE THE HECK IS SHE! I WANT TO HEAR FROM ROMEO! ROMEO!

Nurse: I'm right here and really, do you have to shout? It's rude, you know.

Juliet: Nurse, why do you look so sad?

Nurse: Because Peter won the lottery and is now a millionaire, so now I have no one to order around or give me my fan or anything like that.

Juliet: Oh, well, what about Romeo?

Nurse: I'm not gonna tell you, you stupid, dumb, selfish girl!

Juliet: Did you just call me fat!

Nurse: No, but now I am. You're fat! Ha!

Juliet: You meanie! Tell me about Romeo right now or I'm gonna tell Daddy!

Nurse: You do realize that if you tell your father about Romeo that he'll have Romeo's head cut off, right?

Juliet: But Daddy's too nice to do that. He loves everybody!

Nurse: You're confusing him with Benvolio.

Juliet: No I'm not.

Nurse: Yes you are, your father thinks he's Oz, whoever that is.

Juliet: Whatever, just tell me what you thought of Romeo.

Nurse: Let's see…..he's lovesick, desperate, and is disturbed very easily, he's perfect for you.

Juliet: Yey!

Nurse: Now go to Friar Laurence's cell. He'll be there waiting so that you two can get married.

Juliet: Okay, but first, I have a very important question for you. holds up two dresses Which looks better, this? Or this?

Nurse: Just go!

Juliet: Alright, alright. See you later! -trips and falls- NO! I BROKE ANOTHER NAIL! -runs away crying-

Scene 6- Friar Laurence's dirty cell.

Friar Laurence and Romeo come in after having a long discussion that involved Friar Laurence trying to convince Romeo that he's not gay, but it didn't work

Romeo: No man of God should ever be singing about picking flowers with another man!

Friar Laurence: You fool! Every friar sings about…….. -sees a rat- Oo….a rat! -takes out a piece of meat and holds it above the rat. The rat stands on it's hinds legs as it tries to get the piece of meat- That's right…dance…dance you filthy little rat…dance!

Romeo: Uuuhh…what are you doing?

Friar Laurence: Making the rat dance. -the rat jumps up and bites his finger- OW! -runs around in circle with the rat dangling off his finger- Get it off me! Get it off me! GET IT OFF ME!

Romeo: -is speaking to himself- Normally, I would help him, but this is too funny.

Friar Laurence: -rat falls off his finger and runs into a hole with the piece of meat in its mouth- Well, now that that's over with, I should give you some advice before you marry. Romeo, these violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph explode, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume: the most disgusting honey is loathsome in his own stupidity. And in the taste confounds the stomach: Therefore love hastily; long love do so; too passionate arrives as early as too slow.

Romeo: What?

Friar Laurence: I don't know, it was one this piece of paper the Nurse gave me, but I can hardly read it.

Romeo: Yeah, I remember back in scene two how she held up a sign that had some stuff I should say to her, but I could hardly read any of it.

-Juliet comes in naked-

Friar Laurence: MY EYES! MY EYES! IT BURNS! -turns away-

Romeo: -is looking away- Uuhh…honey, why are you…naked?

Juliet I couldn't decide which dress to wear, so I decided to wear nothing.

Friar Laurence: WILL YOU PLEASE GO PUT COME CLOTHES ON!

Juliet: -sighs- Fine. -goes change and then comes back with a bikini that shows waayy too much on-

Friar Laurence: WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU WEARING!

Juliet: It's only the latest thing.

Romeo: Honey, please change into something appropriate, there are children here.

Juliet: There are? -looks and sees little kids in the audience- Aww…they're so cute! Hi kids! What do you think of my bikini? Isn't it sexy! -the kids' mothers cover their eyes-

Romeo: Honey, please go change before I am mentally scarred for life.

Juliet: -sighs- Fine. -goes back and changes. Returns wearing a dress- Is this better?

Romeo: Yes, much better.

Friar Laurence: Can we get on with the wedding?

Romeo: Alright, alright.

Juliet: Yey! I'm gonna get married!

Friar Laurence: Ahem! Holy church, incorporate these two into one so that their stupid feud will end and so they'll never know that it was all caused by my ancestor. Amen.

Romeo: Did you just say that the whole feud was caused by your ancestor?

Friar Laurence: No, I said that the whole feud was caused by a cabbage fight during a poker game.

Romeo: Oh.

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