We walked the first few hundred yards back to campus in silence. The whole situation was kind of surreal for me. I had to catch myself from taking his hand into mine when we first started walking. There was no doubt that I still had feelings for him. Hell, I've had feelings for Cappie since the day we met freshman year. But I had to remind myself that we weren't together anymore.
The warm air was blowing against my face as we walked another hundred yards or so. The silence was killing me. But Cappie was the one who asked to walk me home so I was going to let him initiate any conversation. And truthfully I still didn't know what to say to him really.
"Nice night," I heard him say offhandedly.
"Sure is," I replied, slightly disappointed this conversation was starting off with petty small talk.
"I can't believe it's been four years already," said Cappie. "Where on earth did the time go?"
"It did go by fast," I agreed. "But it's not like we're done with school yet. I still have a couple of years of grad school in DC and you'll still be here at CRU for a while."
I know I probably shouldn't have brought up our future plans this quickly. I looked over at Cappie and saw him look away and roll his eyes. It was obviously not the time to bring that subject up.
"You looked great at graduation today," he replied, completely changing the subject as I thought he would.
"Thanks," I replied. "I didn't know you were even there."
"Heath and a couple of other brothers were graduating," he said. "I went to support them."
"Oh," I replied nodding my head.
"And another part of me wanted to be there to see you," he blurted out.
I turned to look at him as he turned to look at me. We both smiled awkwardly at each other before I quickly turned my gaze back in front of me.
"Why did you want to see me?" I asked.
"Just to make sure you made it," he said jokingly with a small laugh.
I turned and gave him a disapproving look. I really didn't find that very funny.
"Seriously though," he said dropping the smile off his face. "There wasn't a doubt in my mind that you wouldn't make it. Something about being there just felt right though. Like I was supposed to be there."
"Well you were supposed to be there," I replied, not really thinking about what I said until it came out of my mouth. "Even if you didn't graduate, you were supposed to be there to cheer me on."
"I know," he replied softly as he looked at the ground.
There was a small awkward silence between the two of us.
"But there is no reason to stand here and talk about what is or was supposed to happen," I said. "What happened was for the best."
"You think?" Cappie asked, stopping in his tracks.
I kept walking a few steps until I realized he had stopped. I slowly turned around and looked at him. He was looking right at me, his hands were shoved in his pockets and all I could see was hurt written on his face.
"Cap, you have to admit that nothing has changed between the two of us since freshman year," I said taking a step towards him. "We were still dealing with the same issues we had back then. If anything, I felt like our relationship wasn't as exciting as it was the first time around."
"That's because you lost your ability to have fun," he said as he started to walk again.
"That's not true," I said, now walking behind him. I wasn't even sure why I was following him at this point. The conversation wasn't going anywhere. "I still know how to have fun."
"OK, I guess I should word this better then," said Cappie turning his head slightly to look at me and squinting his eyebrows together. "You know how to have fun; you just are so damn focused on growing up and the future that you don't allow yourself to have any of that fun."
"Well did you ever think that maybe you are just the opposite?" I began to raise my voice. "You are too consumed with having too much fun that you don't even allow yourself to think about the future."
"Maybe that is the truth," he said, also raising his voice a bit. "But how do you expect me to change all of that for you?"
Now it was my turn to stop in my tracks. I was becoming mad and began regretting even going on this walk more and more with each step I took.
"I thought you would change because you loved me," I said crossing my arms in front of me.
He now stopped and turned to look at me.
"And I thought you would change because you loved me," he said, repeating my words, word for word.
We stood there for a while, just staring at each other. Cappie was either upset also or nervous because he began to bite his bottom lip. It was hard for me to focus on the task at hand and not think about how much I wanted his lips to be touching somewhere, anywhere, on my body.
"Did you forget that you were the one who broke up with me?" I asked taking my gaze off his lips and staring more into his eyes. "You were the one who left me standing on that pier crying and not only ruined my birthday, but my entire spring break also."
"Does it ever occur to you that I am just as hurt as you?" Cappie asked. "Everything was ruined from the moment you didn't accept my lavalier."
"You never even gave me the chance to accept it!" I yelled as I threw my hands up in the air. "And obviously the offer was well off the table when you ended things between the two of us."
"Sucks to be dumped doesn't it?" he asked, his tone of voice was as cold as ever.
"Is that what this is all about?" I asked. "Are you trying to show me how I broke your heart freshman year? Are you trying to prove a point?"
"Hell no," he replied. "Why would you even think I would be spiteful like that?"
I paused and took a deep breath. Things were starting to get more heated and out of hand than I think either of us wanted them to.
"Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse Cap," I said shrugging my shoulders. "I'm still trying to figure out where things went wrong and why you broke up with me that night."
"Would it help you to know that I regret what happened that night more than pretty much anything in the world?" Cappie asked, staring into my eyes, forcing me to stare at his and see how honestly he meant his last remark.
"Cap…" I began to say.
"Sorry," he said interrupting me. "I'm beginning to say things without thinking about them ahead of time. Let's just keep walking."
He turned and slowly began to walk towards the ZBZ house. I stood there for a few seconds. My head was starting to spin. One minute Cappie and I are arguing and exchanging heated words and the next minute he says something like that that just stops any negative thoughts I had about him at the time.
As I walked to catch up with him I began to think about the two of us and where we would be right now if we hadn't broken up that night on the pier. Would I be wearing his letters around my neck? Would we still be stuck on different paths towards our future with neither of us willing to change?
"So when do you start school in DC?" he asked as I caught up and began walking beside him.
I hated how he changed the conversation. It was like whenever something gets too deep or complicated for Cappie he does something to find a way out of it. In this case, he not so nonchalantly changed the subject.
"Classes start the first week of September," I replied, trying to avoid any further arguing. "So I'll probably move at the end of August sometime."
"Any plans for the summer?" he asked as we reached the edge of the ZBZ lawn.
"Just prepare for law school," I replied. "There are a few books I want to read and who knows, maybe I'll take a little vacation in there somewhere just to get away from.........things."
We didn't really say anything more as we walked up to the door of the house.
"Well, here we are," I said as the two of us turned to face each other.
"Kind of ironic ending things here isn't it?" he asked. "After everything that happened Thanksgiving when I walked you home."
"Yeah," I sighed. "But we can't dwell on the past. The future awaits right?"
"I guess," he said softly.
We both stood there staring at each other for a minute. I was beginning to get lost in his sea-colored eyes which seemed to be more prominent than ever with the blue shirt he was wearing. He's always looked at me like nothing else in the world mattered to him and even though I couldn't see my own expression, I was probably looking at him the exact same way. We were both playing with fire at the moment. Staring at each other like this always led to things we would probably regret the next morning.
"Well, thanks for the walk home," I finally said breaking the stare and holding my arms out to him for a hug. "Best of luck to you Cap."
I put my arms around his neck as he tightly wrapped his arms around my waist. God did it feel good to be back in his arms again.
"Is this seriously how you want to leave things Case?" he asked, his head still on my shoulder. "Just saying 'best of luck' like we're acquaintances who probably will never talk to or see each other again?"
"Of course not," I replied as we backed away from each other.
But Cappie wouldn't back away as far as he was before. He moved his hands so they were firmly locked on the sides of my waist. He looked down at me as I looked up at him. I watched as he licked his dry lips and I found myself doing the exact same thing. I yelled at myself to back away, this was dangerous territory Casey. But before I could find the courage within me to break away, Cappie leaned down and planted his lips right on mine. And I kissed him back. I wrapped my arms around his neck just as tight and pulled him as close to me as I could. My judgment was cloudy and it was my heart controling any of the emotions I was feeling now more than anything.
Cappie was the one who actually backed away from the kiss. He continued to keep his hands on my waist and his lips inches away from mine.
"What about now Casey?" he asked. "Let's make this work now."
Instantly my heart began to scream 'Yes Casey! Do it! Be with the one you love!' But like a wrecking ball slamming into the side of a building reality hit me and kindly told my heart to be quiet.
"I can't Cap," I said softly. I expected at that moment he would let me go. But he didn't move an inch, continuing to stare down into my eyes. "Nothing has changed. I'm still going to Washington. You're still staying here at CRU."
"I know," he replied slightly nodding his head. "I guess all this talk about breaking up being a mistake tonight had me thinking that we could make this work. It was worth a try."
"I know Cap," I replied. "But I am really glad we finally had this talk. I feel like at least a few things were cleared up tonight."
"Yeah…." he said trailing off in his thoughts.
And the odd part about the whole thing was that we were still standing there holding onto each other, our bodies just inches away from one other. It was like we were both holding on to any last hope we had for each other and once we let go that was it, we were done.
"I know this kind of sounds cliché and everything but I really would like us to still be friends," I said, staring him right in the eyes. I also began playing with a few strands of his hair at the base of his neck where my hands were still tightly wrapped around him. I'm not really sure I even realized I was doing it at the time. I guess it was just a habit I developed every time I had my arms around his neck. "Next to Ashleigh you're probably the one person in the world who knows the most about me and I would hate to lose you."
"Well I like that response a lot better than the whole 'best wishes' crap you gave me earlier," Cappie said with a small laugh.
"Good. I like that better too," I replied.
I then leaned up on my tiptoes and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. I probably let my lips linger on his cheek a little bit more than I should have but that was the way friends said goodbye right?
"Don't be a stranger," I said as I backed away from him. "You can call me anytime, day or night."
"Same applies to you," he replied.
We finally fully backed away from each other but as Cappie let go of my waist, he loosely took my hand into his. We both looked down at our hands clasped together and smiled. His hand felt so warm compared to mine. It was a feeling I was finding very hard to let go of.
"Bye Cap," I said as I began to walk towards the door.
As I opened the door he took a couple of steps away from the house. We held our hands together until the last possible second, brushing our fingertips against each other before finally losing all contact.
"Bye Case," was the last thing I heard him say as I closed the door to the house.
A/N: OK, so I know it's not the happy ending quite yet but I actually really liked how this chapter came out. I'll be interested to read what you guys think in the reviews of this chapter since my other story post finale had a quick and happy ending. I'll probably have the next chapter up in a few days. Thanks for reading! Oh and a new chapter of Rainbows will be up tomorrow for anyone waiting :0)