Thank you so much for the reviews so far, I hope this doesn't disappoint
x x x x
It's human nature, wanting what we can't have. We know we shouldn't, we know its wrong ... and yet we still want it.
Dr Pauline Wallin discusses this phenomenon in her book 'Taming your inner brat: a guide for transforming self-defeating behaviour'. In this – rather aptly named – book, she lists the three reasons for wanting what you can't have:
Heightened attention ... well she was certainly suffering that. My God, every other thought in her head was interspersed with self-conjured images of Sara. And if that wasn't bad enough, she was damn sure that Grissom was pairing them together twice as often as usual.
Perceived scarcity ... well, that was a no-brainer. Did she believe that others wanted what she wanted? Of course she did. In fact, she knew that they did. Hell, half the lab had their eye on what she wanted; to name a few:
Greg
Grissom
David
Nick
Greg
Psychological reactance ... apparently people don't like being told that they can't have something, and that was certainly true of Catherine Willows. She never liked being told what she could and could not have, and right now, knowing that she couldn't have the one thing on her mind was a hard pill to swallow.
According to Dr Wallin's words, this last reason prompts two reactions: emotional (anger and petulance, in Catherine's case) and behavioural (rebellion and a bad mood, which had not gone unnoticed by the rest of her team).
She recommends that instead of pining for what you want, you should let go of your desire, and trust that you will find what you need.
Deep down Catherine knew that at least part of this was true; she should let go and save herself any more heartache. She knew this.
But it didn't make it any easier to see her every day.
X x x
The room was surprisingly dim, and smelt like old books.
The walls were an unimposing beige and bare of pictures with only one, small window beside the couch.
Her counsellor, Dr Capa, remained behind his desk at each meeting; scribbling in his notebook every time she said something revealing or probative.
She imagined that the first couple of pages were somewhat blank. She'd accepted with surprising ease that her life was spiralling out of control and that she needed help, but it took her a while to actually open up to this stranger.
It was fear, she knew that. Fear of being exposed, of being ridiculed. Fear of being vulnerable.
But once she overcame that fear, the floodgates opened and there was no going back.
X x x
Catherine sloped through the hallway with a miserable pout on her face, ignoring the looks from the caffeine-deprived lab rats that were milling about. They were the same looks she received every day. Confusion, wariness, pity.
Her face brightened, however, as soon as she entered the locker room. It was one of those rare nights when she had arrived early and there was only one other occupant in the small room.
"Hey." She greeted in an unusually high pitched voice. Sara turned, flashing her a gorgeous smile.
"Hey yourself." She parroted, buttoning up her shirt. She must have pulled a double if she was changing at work. Cath smiled to herself as she caught the briefest glimpse of Sara's pale skin before her fitted shirt closed around it, hugging her in all the right places. The blonde had to bite her lip as she attempted to shake away the images trying to creep into her mind. "How's Lindsey?" Sara asked, dragging her away from her thoughts.
"She's good."Cath nodded. She paused, not sure whether it was tempting fate. "You should come over sometime, I'm sure she'd love to see you." She asked tentatively. Sara caught her eye, sending her that melting smile again.
"Just tell me when and where." She grinned, closing her locker and waltzing out of the room. Catherine barely resisted the urge to call after her with her instinctive answer. That was not something that the whole lab needed to hear.
X x x
She remained in the locker room for a while longer, enjoying the illicit opportunity to dream, until her serenity was gate-crashed by the stridently announced arrival of the boys.
After the usual greetings she decided to leave them to their sports talk and slipped out in search of her not-so-new crush.
And she found her exactly where she expected to, leaning over the counter; magazine in one hand, coffee in the other. She smiled, enjoying the fact that she could predict the brunette's behaviour so well (and conveniently forgetting that half the lab could predict her behaviour too). Without a word and without tearing her eyes from the page she was reading, Sara nudged a cup towards Catherine and the blonde's face brightened.
"Thank you." She mumbled, hoping that she wasn't blushing.
They remained in amiable silence; Sara reading her magazine and Catherine watching Sara read her magazine.
As her mind started to wander again she wondered bleakly to herself how she had managed to end up in the situation.
She had been aware of her growing feelings for her younger colleague from the word go, even if she had lied to herself about them for awhile. When they didn't go away, she realised that she had to acknowledge them and opted for telling herself that it was nothing more than a silly crush and would go away in its own time. Although this was still her stance, she had to concede that her feelings for Sara were not fading. If anything, they were getting stronger by the day.
If she thought about it hard enough, she could probably pinpoint the day that she first felt something more than friendship...
Grissom's untimely entrance broke her trance and she glared up at him sullenly.
"Okay, Catherine one for you. Warrick one for you." He chanted lazily as he handed out assignment slips. "Nicky, you can back him up." There was a pause. "Sara, you're with me." Catherine's heart sank just a little at the smile Sara gave him. It was a smile that she had never seen before and that thought alone made her want Sara even more. She wanted that smile to be directed at her.
With a sigh she grabbed her file and stropped out, resisting the urge to look back and catch a final glance of the departing brunette.
X x x
Despite still being annoyed at Grissom, she was also glad to have the time to herself to think. Driving along the lonesome, dusty road to her somewhat remote scene, she found that she could let her mind escape for a while.
Her eyes.
Her warped fantasies often ended all too abruptly, but they always started the same. Those chocolate brown eyes; so deep and mysterious. Just once she wished she could see what was behind them.
It was her eyes that first caught her attention the day Catherine lost all control of her senses and fell for her colleague.
X x x
"I should've never been sent to this remote scene in the first place. I've got seniority. I deserve – no, I've earned the right to pick my cases."
She couldn't remember what had set her off that night but she was sure her mother had had something to do with it, and Grissom had not helped. On reflection, she was surprised Sara had not lost her patience. But she didn't.
Without a word, she rounded the counter and selected a candy bar. She held it out to Catherine with a small, mischievous smile. As she took the offered item, Cath noticed a cheeky little sparkle in Sara's brown eyes.
And then she had insulted her. She hadn't meant to, she honestly didn't. It was only when she handed her the mirror that she saw the look of shock flash across her face and realised what she had said.
But again Sara didn't get upset or angry. She played off her with a smile and continued her work professionally. And as Catherine leant over the counter to see what Sara was looking at, she caught a brief flash of Sara's eyes in the mirror. As strange as it sounds, it felt like she had seen something she shouldn't; something secret and guarded.
It was fitting, she supposed, that she should only see the real Sara through a mirror. The girl was very good at hiding what was inside, but in that moment she didn't know that Catherine could see her so there was no need to hide anything. For just a moment, her soul was bared.
And suddenly Catherine wanted to see more.
X x x
The sight of flashing lights brought her back to the present. Shaking her head, she put the memory aside and hauled herself out of the car and into the chilly night air.