Thank you all for your responses! I hadn't fully planned to continue this, in all honesty, but I'll see what I can do.
It was the end of another day for Hayasaka. Kaguya had just finished detailing an impractical scheme to get the President to join the archery club, for 'tactical reasons'. Hayasaka wasn't sure what tactical advantage there was in seeing the President shirtless, and she quietly enjoyed seeing Kaguya go bright red when asked that question.
Still, the important thing was, to borrow the American phrase: another day, another dollar. Her work for the day was done, and she could now relax a little before turning in. The maid poured herself a neat glass of milk and took a sip, while booting up Discord on her phone and checking her messages.
Ichikami23: Why are girls so sensitive about their boobs?
Hayasaka's spit take sprayed milk all over the kitchen surface.
It wasn't like she wasn't used to that kind of conversation online. Indeed, she had even discussed the matters casually with IchiKami23 before. However, it was different now that she knew he was Ishigami. It wasn't her persona talking to another persona any more. It made her feel strangely vulnerable, like she was talking to him with just a sheet between them, and all it would take was him to accidentally tear the sheet and he would discover her.
With one hand, she typed a response, while wiping the kitchen surface with the other.
GuardianAngel: Women live a different kind of existence to us guys.
IchiKami23: too right.
GuardianAngel: So what happened?
Hayasaka sent the question and finished the cleanup and then poured the milk away, instead of her normal routine of taking it up to her room. She wasn't ready to drink milk while talking about breasts. By the time she returned to her phone, the response had come.
IchiKami23: Ok so you know how I don't have any preference for cup size right
Hayasaka shuddered as she recalled with retrospective horror their conversation from the past.
GuardianAngel: Yeah I've seen your support list on BBO. Feminist of the year you are.
IchiKami23: You know I choose for gameplay! It's not my fault every character is genderbent into someone with a massive rack!
GuardianAngel: I will call off the cops. So what happened?
IchiKami23: ok, well, at school, I was talking about archery… I might have implied one girl had a flat chest that was suited for archery… and that another girl's boobs were too big for it…
Oh god. That was Kaguya and Fujiwara, right? Did this guy have a death wish?
GuardianAngel: I assume they overheard you?
IchiKami23: I just stated the facts! Is that so bad?
IchiKami23: Women are all illogical, crazy beasts who are only obsessed with their bodies...
Hayasaka knew he didn't really think like that, but she still felt insulted.
She sighed, caught in a dilemma. Normally, she would use any witty retort in her repertoire, but she couldn't while she was still masquerading as a guy. Ishigami continued.
IchiKami23: I feel like my danger level has just increased…
GuardianAngel: Danger level?
IchiKami23: Yes, the threat of me being killed at any moment, as a rating out of 100. Usually it's around 50? 55?
Isn't that way too high for a base figure?
Ichikami23: And then when I made those comments, it went up to like 200.
Wouldn't you be dead already then?! Hayasaka sighed. Dealing with Ishigami's underlying pessimistic nature would be too big of a job. She would address the issue of the day.
GuardianAngel: To be fair, women naturally compare themselves, because it's so physically obvious. It's part of their appeal, their worth.
GuardianAngel: Men don't have a sexual part of the body that's public like that. The closest would be...
And as she typed the message she realised she had a problem. In order to pass as a guy, she had to be comfortable with what they were comfortable with. She had to use the word 'dick' in her message! But to send such a message to Ishigami was a line she didn't want to cross!
Hayasaka took a breath. This is for Kaguya-sama, to keep tabs on Ishigami.
GuardianAngel: The closest thing would be if guys' members were hanging out all the time and we compared those
She couldn't say it.
IchiKami23: that's an interesting way to look at it. Women have it tough, huh.
It's tough being this woman in particular.
GuardianAngel: Yeah.
"So peaceful…"
Ishigami was alone in the Student Council, and it was wonderful.
He had been in the middle of finishing another report when he realised that the room had remained empty for longer than usual. Fujiwara in particular had tabletop club activities, or she would be there infecting things with her special blend of naivete and positivity. With nobody to put him on guard, he was free to relax.
He pulled up his phone and scrolled absentmindedly though his conversation with GuardianAngel the night before. He was just being paranoid, right? Well, the way he talked was a little off, given their previous conversations about girls. It was as if he was sharing his true thoughts for the first time, rather than playing a character. Maybe in his personal life GuardianAngel was really close to a girl. He was also probably quite prude underneath his blunt facade, given he said "guy's members" instead of -
"Who are you talking to, Ishigami?" Kaguya asked over his shoulder, smiling sweetly.
Ishigami almost jumped out of his skin. "Sh-Sh-Shinomiya?" he squealed. "When did you get here?"
"You seem busy, so I didn't want to disturb you," she said, the grin on her face masterfully unreadable, toeing the line between polite and capricious. "Apologies if I startled you."
She's the next Jing Ke… Ishigami shuddered. After she kills me, is the President in danger?
"I was t-talking to s-someone online," he said, in an attempt to continue the conversation. Kaguya continued to stare at him sweetly in a way that made him want to jump out of the window. Her eyes narrowed subtly, as if searching for guilt.
"I see the President isn't here," she said darkly, turning her face away.
Translation: if she kills me today, there'll be no witnesses!
"N-No, his part time work started early today," Ishigami said, his voice an octave higher than normal.
"Where is he?"
"I-I didn't ask."
Kaguya tutted sharply.
Don't tell me... Ishigami's eyes widened in realisation. After she kills me, she'll be after the Shirogane!? Don't worry, President, I won't talk even if she tortures me with a broom handle!
Ishigami had over time developed some strange ideas about Kaguya's methods for torture.
No, calm down, Ishigami, the junior thought to himself. Think logically. She's only after me. She must be remembering the comments I made about her chest.
Actually, she had forgotten about Ishigami's comments.
"What a shame," Kaguya said, sighing. "The principal had just given us this fruit basket on behalf of the French student delegate, for the party we threw them. I guess we will have to make a start on it without Fujiwara or the President."
Ishigami looked past the vice president to see the large basket that she had brought in with her when she had slipped in earlier. Ishigami tentatively approached it to have a closer look. The basket was wrapped in plastic, though an exotic and unusual selection of fruits were visible within. Thankfully, the fruits seemed to be already sliced into chunks, or were fruits like bananas. Hence there was no reason for a knife. There was a thank you note from the French council as well, so it was clearly a genuine and convenient gift with a low level of danger.
Ok, weighing up all the evidence, I'd score the danger at 90 out of 100.
Of course Ishigami was not going to drop his guard. Kaguya's very presence necessitated such a rating! She could have forged that card, and injected the fruit with poison, as a plan to bump off the entire Student Council in one move. But... it seemed like such a lot of effort for such a skilled assassin. Plus, that method might leave incriminating evidence, so the likelihood was lower.
"What fruit is your favourite, Ishigami?" Kaguya asked, as she neatly removed the covering with a single elegant flourish.
Ishigami breathed. If she was offering a choice, and having some herself, then it was less likely that she poisoned anything. He remembered how Shirogane's words. Have more faith in your friends. "I like most fruit. Melons are probably the best," Ishigami said, danger ratings quickly dropping out of his mind as the conversational topic turned benign.
"Is that so? I believe there are some here," she said, rooting through the selection of fruits.
Then she stopped. A certain connection flashed in her mind from her study of sexual innuendo and references. This was also when Kaguya remembered Ishigami's comments from before.
"I'm not accustomed to having melons, actually," Kaguya said, with all the self-measure of a snake about to strike its unwitting prey. "What do you like about them?"
The prey in question moved closer into striking range. "Oh, they're big, ripe, and the flesh is so soft… I could just bury my face in one!" Ishigami chuckled, motioning quite accurately the impression of a man ravenously devouring a melon.
"Yes, I see," Kaguya said, her smile widening, though there was a crunching sound as the wicker basket cracked under her grip. "Women with melons are the dream of all men."
Ishigami finally cottoned on.
Ah. So this is how it ends for me.
"D-D-Did I say melons? I meant grapes."
"So you have a preference?" Kaguya shot back, instantly. "Is that because you prefer your fruits to be smaller?"
Ishigami backed away as quickly as he could. "N-No, I mean, it depends on whose fruit it is…"
"A woman's value is dependent on the kind of fruit she has, is that it?"
"I-I didn't say that!"
"You'll have a banana, right?" Kaguya added, grabbing one from the basket from both ends and bending it slightly. "Don't you find having a whole banana is too much, sometimes? How about I snap yours in two?"
"Aha, you know, I think I'm not hungry!" Ishigami squeaked.
"Nonsense," Kaguya said, long fang-like canines visible to her kouhai. "Men are always hungry. You can at least have a slice of apple. Now let me find a knife…"
"I'm sorryyyyyy!"
Ishigami belted it out of the room, disrupting the extra-curricular activities still being undertaken throughout the building. He wailed his way past a furious Iino, who scolded him causing such a disturbance, but Ishigami cared even less than normal, his only thoughts on escaping from the demonic assassin. He had to assume she was right behind him, because to look back would slow him down and stop him from fleeing.
Kaguya smiled as she listened to the unfortunate underclassman's cries getting further away. "I forgive you," she said, to no witness but herself. Now alone, she decided to remain in the Student Council room a little longer and finish up a few bits of admin there was to do. As she worked, she bit into a strawberry and wondered if the President liked them.
Man, that took me ages to write. Hope you enjoyed it!