This was originally mainly my brother's work, but I have ended up changing it quite significantly to fit with the characterisations of the Fellowship. Once I finish writing the Return of the King, I will upload my brother's original script. Meanwhile, enjoy The Two Towers!
The Two Towers
(In the impassable rock-maze of Emyn Muil. Frodo and Sam are eating elvish biscuits.)
Frodo (chewing despondently): I can't believe we are still stuck in this ridiculous pastiche…
Sam (chewing thoughtfully): This elvish stuff tastes like chicken.
Frodo (sighs): No, it doesn't. It tastes like plain biscuits. And you have never tasted chicken.
Sam: It's an expression.
Frodo: You're right.
Sam: See? I am smarter than the average hobbit.
Frodo (taint of evil from exposed contact with the Ring manifesting in an uncharacteristically harsh rebuke): And fatter than the average hobbit.
Sam (lips quivering): Shut up.
(Later… Sam and Frodo are sleeping.)
Gollum (appearing on a rock ledge above the unsuspecting hobbits, muttering to himself):They stole it from us and they will keep it. We must takes it back! (Jumps onto Frodo.)
Frodo: ARGH! The demented ex-hobbit, who has been stalking us and who calls the One Ring 'Precious'.
Gollum: So?
Frodo: Well, I find that a bit disturbing.
Gollum: It's part of our malevolent characterisations, yes it is. So tricksy hobbit-thief must gets used to it.
Frodo: Well, what if I don't?
Gollum: We not cares. Just give us The Precious! (Lunges at Frodo again.)
Sam: He will never give it up!
Frodo and Gollum (in confused unison): Who?
Sam: Both of you, apparently…
Gollum: Then we steals it! (Prepares to pounce on Frodo anew.)
Frodo: Never! (Pauses thoughtfully) Hmm… Your sudden appearance here tonight must be some sort of plot device. The writer is never very subtle with those… I know! You could lead us out of here and to the Gates of Mordor!
Sméagol (Frodo's words apparently brainwashing him into obedience and into the arms of his alter ego): Yes, Master. Follow me, Master.
(Meanwhile… On the Plains of Rohan…)
Aragon (muttering to himself): It's taking forever to catch up with those damned orcs… This was a seriously bad idea… I mean, who the hell can run for three days straight with no food, no water and no rest…?
Gimli (rolling on the ground behind Aragorn at fascinating speed): Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'!
Legolas (completely un-winded and hair still somehow immaculate): Master Dwarf, forgive my impudence, but I find it highly unseemly that thou art rolling on the ground like common swine…
Gimli (rolling past): Och! Ye have some cheek, ye faerie. Likenin' a dwarf t' a pig! Bah! I'll show ye a real dwarf…
Aragorn (scanning the ground): Will you two grow up? (To himself) If my epic ranger skills are correct – and they always are – then we appear to be gaining on the orcs. If we hurry, we should catch up with them by nightfall and get this stupid side-quest over with…
(Meanwhile… At the Gates of Mordor…)
Frodo: Thank heavens that we skipped those gods-forsaken marshes… Hey, look! The Gates of Mordor are opening and look at that huge army marching in. It would be a convenient place to hide ourselves and sneak into the Land of Shadow.
Sméagol (grabbing Frodo's cloak): No, Master! You must not go to Gates! Yous be killed. Sméagol know another way…
Sam (voice rising in pitch and volume with each word): What! Why didn't you tell us before? We walked all this way for nothing! (Huge Army notices the shouting and begins marching on the hobbits in a menacing fashion.)
Sméagol: (looking sheepishly at the ground) Sorry… I forgots.
Huge Army (arriving at the hobbits' hiding place and raising their weapons): Kill ze intruders!
Frodo and Sam: RUN!
(…After they got the army off their tail and have been walking for several hours.)
Sam (wheezing and dragging his feet): This quest is taking forever!
Frodo: Let's play I-Spy.
Sam: Sure! It will help pass the time.
Frodo: I spy…something fat.
Sam: Umm… that fat tree trunk?
Frodo: No.
Sam: Then?
Frodo: YOU…! (Growing taint of evil manifests into a menacing laugh.) MWUHAHAHA!
Sam: (looking suspiciously at Frodo): Mr Frodo, are you sure you're alright? I mean, that was the second uncharacteristic comment about my build. And…that laugh was just plain frightening!
Frodo: Of course I'm fine! Stop questioning me! (Eyes start glowing maliciously)
Sam (not entirely convinced): Erm, okay… I guess… (Puts a hand on Frodo's shoulder.) But just so you know, Mr Frodo, I will always be here for you. So if there's anything you want to tell your old Sam, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or…
Frodo: NO! I refuse to go down that so-oft clichéd path of homosexual-undertones! (Backs away from Sam with fear in his eyes)
Sam: There's nothing gay about admitting your feelings, Mr Frodo…
Frodo (panic rising in his voice): Can we get a cut scene now, please?
(Meanwhile… Still on the Plains of Rohan, the remains of the Fellowship have been surrounded by Rohirrim)
Éomer: Hey… I know you! You're that Aragon dude, aren't you?
Aragon: Yes…?
Éomer: Oh my gods! I am, like, your biggest fan! Here; have these free horses that we are conveniently carrying with us.
Aragorn: Erm… Thanks. I guess…
Legolas: Pardon me, noble horsemaster, but have you by any chance espied two halflings being manhandled against their will by fearsome mutant-orcs?
Éomer: Err, no dude. Sorry. We, like, killed all them orcs last night. But ya'll welcome to have a poke around their smoking asses. (Looks at Aragorn) Peace out, A-Town! Keep it real, y'all! (Riders of Rohan ride off.)
(Meanwhile… In Fangorn Forest)
Pippin: Look, Merry. It's a talking tree!
Treebeard: Tree…? I…am…no…tree…! I…am…an…Ent!
Merry: Yup. Definitely a tree…
(Meanwhile… At the Golden Hall of Edoras)
Gríma: Gandalf Scarecrow! You are not welcome here! (Vegetate Théoden gurgles in agreement.)
Gandalf: WHAT? I am back? I thought I had died and had rid myself of this disastrous lampoon! I despise the fantasy genre… People aren't even allowed to die and rest in peace; they just have to be brought back from the dead for some ridiculous purpose. I'm going to have a thing or two to say to The Management about this… (To his companions) What the hell am I supposed to do here?
Legolas: I believe, noble wizard, that thou art to perform some frightening voodoo magicks and exorcise thy arch-nemesis Saruman from this here hapless king of men.
Gandalf: Fine. Let's get it over and done with… (Whacks Théoden over the head with his staff.)
Théoden: Oww! (Pauses) Behold! Mine eyes can clearly perceive the light of day anew and…
Gandalf: NO! None of that tedious Shakesperisising! We already have the elf for that. (Gimli snickers.) Anyway. I want this instalment over and done with as quickly as possible. Your son is dead, your nephew banished, and it's the fault of that slithering con artist. I suggest you fire him and move your people to Helm's Deep ASAP.
Theoden: But…
Gandalf: No buts! Aragorn, you're in charge.
Aragorn: What? Another side-quest? Is this what the heir of Númenor is relegated to – babysitting kings?
Gandalf: That's what you get for refusing to accept your one true destiny. Now, quit wasting time! I have important 'wizards' business to attend to in the north. Don't expect me back until you actually need me. (Disappears with an angry 'pop'.)
(Meanwhile… Back in Fangorn Forest…)
Treebeard: After…many…hours…of…mind…numbing…discussion…we…have…decided… that…
Merry and Pippin: *snore*
Treebeard: …you…are…not…orcs…
Merry (snapping awake): What? It took you that friggin' long?
Treebeard: It…takes…a…very….long…time…to…say…
Merry: All right, all right right! We get the bloody point! (To himself) I can't believe our role in this story has been demoted to conversing with trees… (Notices that Pippin is still blissfully asleep.) You're useless!
(Meanwhile… Helm's Deep is being attacked by a virtual sea of Uruk-Hai.)
Legolas (firing arrows at lightning speed from his never-ending supply): Avast, ye patron of Evil! Feel the sting of mine arrows of righteousness!
Aragon: Um… That's Gimli…
Legolas (recovering momentarily from his battle fervour to realise that he is about to skewer Gimli): Pardon my mistake, Master Dwarf. Now, if you would excuse me… PERISH YE ORC!
(Meanwhile… In Faramir's secret hide-out…)
Faramir: At last! The Ring of Power is within my grasp and I can finally prove to my daddy that I am not a useless whelp!
Frodo (feebly): No! You must let us go!
Faramir (imperiously): Take them to my father!
Sam: You Gondorians are all so thick! Your idiotic brother died because of his addiction to that ring. He developed split-personality and bipolar disorder. Do you want to end up like Gollum after OD-ing on evil power? (Gollum cackles evilly.)
Faramir: No… I guess not… Fine. You can go complete your suicide quest. (To himself) And I will continue to put up with child-abuse…
(Meanwhile… The wall of Helm's Deep is blown up by gunpowder imported from China. Uruk-Hai start pouring into the keep.)
Aragorn: Hmm… This side-quest is turning out to be more difficult than previously anticipated. This calls for drastic action… HUDDLE! (Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli huddle.) All right. Gimli, you do the rolling tackle and we'll take care of the rest. Got it? Good. Hands in the middle.
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli (chanting): Hud, tow, tree! We are Fellowship, we are best, we are gonna kill the rest! FELLOWSHIP! (Legolas and Aragon roll Gimli into the oncoming orcs.)
Gimli: Keep rollin', rollin, rollin'! (Orcs all die.)
Aragon: Well, that was easy…