Dear Readers,

This next one is short, but I love it anyway. Hiro Mashima owns Fairy Tail, I just make up ridiculous situations within his wonderful world. I occasionally throw a Pradesh in here or there, and that whole family is the property of Desna.

A huge thank you to my beta, GoddessxNyte, for getting me through this ship week with my sanity (mostly) intact.

Enjoy!

Day 2: Legal

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

"Is it really hard to figure out? I mean: no. You cannot, under any circumstances, poison Jellal."

Erik scowled at her, "And why the fuck wouldn't I? The tower was one thing, but that stupid fucking pile of self-loathing has gone way too fucking far this time."

Doing her very best not to throw the very expensive communication lacrima across the room, Lucy rubbed her temples to ease her growing headache. One she'd not so fondly named 'Erik'.

"There are so many reasons. All of which you are well aware of."

"I can't think of any single reason important enough to stop me from committing murder right now," Erik countered.

"Erza will bring her hammer back out and probably kill you."

"She'd never catch me. I know where that cock blocking she-hulk is at all times, I have since she punted me into a fucking mountain. Try again."

Lucy plopped down on her bed, "He's your guildmaster."

Erik's angry expression transformed into a self-satisfied smirk, "You and I both know how very little that means to me, Tink."

Lucy let the com fall beside her, so Erik's view was of the ceiling when she answered in an exhausted tone, "He didn't even do anything wrong."

"What? Oh yes he fucking did! Having a dirty dream about my wife in a threesome is the worst thing that blueberry, tramp stamped bastard has ever done, and that is saying something!"

Lucy rolled her eyes and brought the com back up to look at him, "It was in a threesome with his own wife, who he is entirely dedicated to, and it was a fucking dream. It's not like he could control it."

"I could help him control it, Bright Eyes, that's what I'm trying to fucking tell you," he explained, an excited gleam in his eye.

"Erik, if you tracked down and 'helped control'", she used single-handed air quotes on that last phrase, "every man - or woman - who has ever fantasized about me, you'd be poisoning random people every day for the rest of your life."

Erik sighed, seemingly in defeat, "You're right."

Lucy was about to do a victory dance when he continued, "You are hot as fuck, Bright Eyes," he confirmed, "So I should probably get started soon."

"Oh you're fucking impossible. You can't do that!"

"And why the hell not?"

"It's illegal," she slowed her speech down as if she were trying to explain a simple concept to Natsu, "Not. Legal. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Erik just leveled his single-eyed stare at her in a deadpan.

Seeing this, Lucy sighed in defeat. They both knew that it really, really didn't mean a damn thing to the dragon slayer. Less than nothing.

"Just… don't actually kill him, okay? Non-lethal poisons only, promise me."

"Permanently disable? Okay, I can live with that."

"NO!"