Magically Medical Italy
As Lorelei got off the airport, and got past security, she rode a cab for Charring Cross Road to go to Leaky Cauldron to meet the Godfather she never knew she had, because he was chucked to prison without a trial. She could have grown up a happy kid in his care but nooo...
Lorrie,
Sirius Black III here. Your wrongfully-convicted
godfather who was framed for a crime he didn't
commit by a man who he thought was a friend,
and the Ministry chucked me to prison without a
trial.
You see, 17 years ago, its war. War against the
Dark Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters against
the Ministry. People are disappearing, and then
found later killed in the most gruesome of ways.
No telling who to trust as there's no telling who's
controlled or not. Those were dark days. You know
why as you got your mum's diary.
I managed a herculean effort without getting killed
by Dementors somehow in a bid to prove that I am
innocent and a man wrongly-chucked to prison.
When I asked the Goblins about you as soon as I
escaped Azkaban after figuring out a way how, damn
I'm shocked...and I can't believe it. But at least thanks
to you Moony is finally living a comfortable life. Damn
that old man to heck, who the hell is he to overstep
his boundaries in regards to last wills?! I managed to
set up a reveal by stealing some writing materials and
an owl by going to Hogwarts, and mail a letter to Amelia
Bones. If there's a good official in the Ministry, it's her.
I also advised her to bring a Daily Prophet Reporter who
is NOT Rita Skeeter(EVERYONE hates that bitch) and a
photographer.
I loved it when as an animagus dog hiding in the bushes
despite Dementors around, I watched her and the Aurors
march up the Great Hall and I feel sorry for the kid Ron
Weasley but I want justice so bad. Both of us suffered
for their screw-ups, dammit. When the truth was revealed
after a good dose of Veritaserum, Amelia definitely did
not want to waste time. So I revealed myself to give my
side of the story. After I was stunned, got Veritaserum
down my throat, and reenervated for an interrogation.
The kicker was after the Aurors interrogated us some of
which shocked the whole Great Hall of students and teachers,
and ol' Albus can't do squat as he's restrained for trying to
obstruct their duties, I let it slip what I know about you
as extra insult to injury towards the ol' coot. Revealing that
you dropped him as your Magical Guardian in favor of a guy
you just met for his screw-ups and overstepping his self-imposed
boundaries AND preventing a Will to be read got all Purebloods
and other noble kids howling and frothing at the mouth. If those
facts were swept under the rug when you were eleven, certainly
not last year...oh, I added that the guy frankly told the goblins
that you being desperate to let him, a stranger you just met and
trusting right off the bat is a bad mix which also speaks volumes
about your childhood life, but he swore to do right by you and
apparently he did, otherwise, the goblins will tell me they'll gladly
socially lynch him as they had the Dursleys. They checked up on you
every month, and they see you being tutored in many subjects in a
posh hotel suite with photographic evidence which I have in my
possession. They didn't mention what country on your wishes.
For final measure, that went Headlines obviously, and there's
no way corrupt bastards can sweep our cases under the rug now.
Oh, did I mention they had Albus restrained for trying to delay
the inevitable and obstruction of justice? That made the Prophet
too and I had a good laugh. I don't feel sorry for him at all for
what he allowed to happen. I can be a li'l vindictive. But still,
I want to meet the li'l tyke who I never got to see in 14 damn
years. Oh yeah, I scored us Top Box Seats in the 422nd
Quidditch World Cup that will occur on August 22! You never
went to Hogwarts for an obvious reason...but I hope you can come.
I'll meet you in the Leaky Cauldron, room 403. I've been shacking
up there until I get a new house built where Moony and I can live
together since you're so far away and with someone else otherwise
we'd love it if you can live with us too.
-Sirius
P.S- Enclosed is my photo. Damn, Azkaban ruined my good looks...
Upon arrival, she just waltzed in, dressed in hot, leather clothes under her coat that made many eyes turn. And she was wearing shades to hide her trademark.
Her clothes shocked Sirius just as much.
'Wha?!' he squawked as a girl dressed like a hot model came in. 'Lorrie...right?!'
'Yah, its me.' said Lorelei as she kicked the door closed, and took off her shades.
'Holy cow Lorrie, I don't remember your skin being Snow White since I last saw you!' Sirius exclaimed, wide-eyed.
'Ahhh the perks of growing up in a country where love, beauty and vanity reign supreme Sirius.' Lorelei snorted. 'In that place, you must look good or die trying.' Sirius did a double-take at that. 'Everyone there handled their facial and skin flaws, their figures, their hair and their closet, and they're all well-manicured. So that country is a walking muggle fashion show with tourists being the weird ones out.'
'...seriously?' Sirius croaked out weakly.
'Yep, and since Magical Britain terribly falls behind in those aspects, I'm dragging you back to my homeland with me and drag you shopping! Goodness knows their hospitals there can work a miracle with you!'
'Oh, can we bring Moony along? You activating the will greatly helped him out financially but he couldn't shop without getting kicked out...' said Sirius feebly. 'Oh yeah...about the World Cup...'
'Yeah, I'm coming with you. Reborn let me since family time is just as important as our vanity issues. You do NOT mess with, or disregard Beauty and Family issues over there or Merlin help you.' Lorelei chuckled giddily. 'They WILL lynch you and that's the kindest they will be to you. The cruelest is a long and slow death.'
Sirius wondered how the hell did she spend her teens, as childhood is definitely not happy considering Petunia and her pet pigs for family.
So yes, he accepted long ago his goddaughter did not grow up mentally healthy.
xxx
Italy, days later by Portkey...
Sirius and Remus gaped at the Italian Magical Alley.
Its beautiful and classy and Diagon Alley looked like a filthy slum compared to it.
'Come on, we're going to their hospital here!' Lorelei called out.
'B-But Lorelei, my condition...' Remus sputtered worriedly as he fears getting ostracized as he have for years.
'Meh, they don't give a rat's ass about Werewolves here unless they're rogue ones Aurors catch. The hospitals here have superb Mental Healers who can and will destroy your inner wild wolf and turn it into your Animagus Form instead for the price of 3500 Galleons for the treatment, and a 200 Galleon per week stay in the Hospital's 4th Wing.'
'Really?!' this, the men did not see coming.
'Really. That, and we have to go through proper channels in the Ministry so Britain will soon know you're no longer a Werewolf. Do you know that St. Mungo's and our Ministry is a huge-ass joke to European Mainlanders? Goodness, everyone will look at you pityingly while making fun of our administration and have a good laugh on a bar night for it, and it will reach the European Mainland Issue which is the International Magical Newspaper that only UK does not get...Magical Britain and Ireland by association is a huge joke and embarrassment out here.'
'Ouch.' Sirius winced. 'I have GOT to get my hands on that paper and give it to the Quibbler as a Christmas Gift as there's no way the Ministry-influenced Daily Prophet will allow their dirty laundry aired.' he snarked in a wise-guy sort of tone.
'Forget one issue, we have to get them by the bulk starting a hundred years back to present date!' Remus told him wryly. 'What they say about us for a hundred years should be interesting!' he said excitedly. 'Ol' Xeno Lovegood will LOVE this!'
At the Magical Hospital, aptly named 'Progress Medical Center' in English when Lorelei translated, she went to the Receptionist where she gabbed away in Italian.
'...she's fluent.' Remus marveled, impressed as Lorelei talked like a native.
'Well, according to the goblins, she knows English, Italian, French, Spanish, Portuguese, German, Greek, and Russian and she's working on Asian Languages soon.' Sirius informed him.
'Wha?!'
'Hey mate, wizardkind have good memory.' Sirius shrugged. 'Reborn probably thought she's a genius when we can do it anytime ourselves if we won't procrastinate about it.'
'Hey guys, over here!' Lorelei called out. 'I got what we want on our agenda! I'll have you guys be full good-looking hunks for the World Cup!'
'Y'know, we should have broadened our horizons years ago.' Remus moaned regretfully. 'Opportunities missed are so painful.'
'You don't know half of it.' Sirius told him lamentingly.
At the First Floor, aptly named Healthy Beautician's Corner, the Healers practically shrieked in scandalized gasps at their appearances as if what came into their wing were highly-contagious Lepers also afflicted with Spattergroit. Lorelei had to gab away in Italian again with the Healers listening in rapt attention...before the Healers were in utter stitches and tears, wheezing in laughter. Some were even banging their fists on the walls or nearby tables.
'Translate?!' Sirius nearly cried helplessly because they're totally at a loss here while the Healers clearly had fun at their expense.
'I told them all about Britain's St. Mungo's, and how you two wound up this way, so yes, they're howling in laughter, feel sorry for you, and offered us a discount in return for entertainment and gossip material, and you can be sure this will reach the newspapers here and eventually, EMI.'
The surviving Marauders gave her a deadpan groan.
'Gee, thanks.'
And so, it took a week's treatment to be fully healthy, younger-than-their-age looks, removal of scars, even Werewolf-caused scars, their dry, unhealthy hair shaved off so healthy vibrant ones can grow thickly, their dental issues fixed, all facial flaws and body hair taken care of, while House Elves gave them a manicure and pedicure, foot spa included to soften their feet from years of rough living.
All for 9000 Galleons in total because yeah, they were the Corner's worst customers for coming in in such miserable states, due to their community's medical incompetence. The original price was 12500 per customer!
Next stop was the Mind Healers due to Dementor Exposure that lasted thirteen years, and being a Werewolf. 3500 for Werewolf Affliction plus about 400 Galleons for Hospital Stay, complete with bed and free food, while for Dementor Exposure, it took 8000. 600 Galleons per year he spent in because that's as much resources as they'll spend on Sirius for a quick recovery, and 200 for a Hospital Stay. He was a one-week stay only, unlike Remus who has to deal with two and four days. Not only that, due to too much inbreeding of his family who are staunch Pureblood Supremacists, he had to be checked for problems. While he was clear from Genetic Mental Instability, he has fertility and erectile dysfunction issues, and future threats to his offspring so he has to take a considerably-dark, yet rarely-legal-within-good-reason potion to cleanse the diseases he may have inherited or may be passed on to offspring if Sirius marries someday. Aptly called Genetical Purification Potion. Its dark because of the stuff its made of, and he has to down five liters of the stuff, costing him 10000 Galleons. At least when he leaves the hospital, he's no longer magically and genetically Inbred and his sexual issues fixed. But he still has to marry a Pureblood who's NOT British, because of the Black Family Laws all Blacks are forced to swear upon age 17.
While Sirius and Andromeda got away, him being the last MALE Black Heir chained him magically to the obligation upon wearing the family ring, so now he has to prove himself a catch, somehow to Mainland Purebloods who wont somehow diss him upon finding out WHERE he came from and he's now talking with the goblins thru conference on how to cheat his stupid family's stupid rules.
It was money well-spent, while Lorelei gave them Reborn's 'edited textbooks' as a pasttime. She gave them the books about laws and updates on ten years' worth that Sirius missed out on so he can be a ruthless Wizengamot Member by the time he's through. Remus also had be up to snuff.
'Wah?! What the hell is this?!'
'Reborn tore apart, and re-edited my magical textbooks from year 1 to year 7, and made it better. Oh, he tore apart the laws and various Daily Prophet issues for fun too so you can see everything behind the laws and legislations the Wizengamot applied and you can exploit and profit off it if you study well how. If I pass my OWLs, I can be a Wizengamot Member and tear them apart myself like the inbred neanderthals they are but what's important is that you are up-to-date. Forewarned is forearmed.'
They can be healed on time for the World Cup at least.
'So where's your famous Guardian?' Remus asked her as nighttime was 'free time'. Seven pm onwards is recovery and recuperation from the whole day's ordeal and they have their privacy all to themselves. But during the day, rehab is a nightmare for good reason as by dinner, they are given potent Calming Draughts to easily recover from 'daytime stress and nightmares'.
'He went off to tutor the heir to the Cavallone Family and I was supposed to come along because my own tutoring isn't done yet, but he let me have summer vacation because I surpassed his expectations since he took me in and I'm a very rare diligent student. And considering his reputation in the muggle world, him giving a pupil vacations, those who know him will look for Signs of the Apocalypse because he is THAT strict.' the two men exchanged looks.
'So uh...what are you learning from him besides Languages? The goblins only told me you're learning languages.'
'Humm...you sure you wanna hear?' Lorelei asked them with a raised eyebrow.
They nodded eagerly.
And she told them all she learned, but blotted out 'Mafia World' and 'Flame Training' because that's secret.
By the time she's done, they realized...
'He's training you to be an Assassin?!'
'I'm famous in Muggle Italy already you know. They call me Black Death more often than they call me Black Pearl.' said Lorelei a tad too cheerfully to their horror. 'Its a highly-paying job and deaths happen all the time in this country's muggle side anyway...'
'And you're casually blase about it?!' Lorelei swore they're twins in their past lives because they're so in sync.
'Well, legal age of consent is 13. If you're 13 AND in the Underworld of the muggle world, you're old enough to drink, smoke, go to work, drive a vehicle, own weaponry and do the dirty though I haven't done number 6 yet, I have my standards in who takes my virginity first.' she's enjoying this a tad too much.
'Too much information!' Remus practically shrieked, covering his ears frantically while Sirius was gaping like a fish.
'S-so you're OK with being an assassin?' Sirius croaked out. Barely into her teenage years and she earns a fortune as a career killer! If only 14 years ago didn't happen, Lorelei would be a good, happy girl in Hogwarts!
'Well, I do it for a living not for fun, there's a difference because killers who kill for fun and being psycho go to jail while we assassin kill because clients hired us and paid us for it and we do our job cleanly. They want someone out of their way for politics and careers and businesses and it happens all the time. Hell, we're even hired to take down rivals in love or heirs for family fortune and headship!'
'Good thing various administrations aren't smart enough for that.' Sirius swallowed. It fully-dawned on him the reasons Assassins are hired for and its crazy, but also chilling. If Purebloods back home actually have assassination as a career...
xxx
August 20 was by the time Sirius was released from Hospital, because Remus was released long ago, and Lorelei had to take him to the Ministry to change his social status and he can finally get a real job. Just that, he won't take jobs in Britain sometime soon. He'll do it in the Mainland.
As soon as he learns Italian in a course, he'll damn well get a job in Magical Italy.
Upon going back to Britain after a serious shopping spree in clothes, and Clothes 101 lecture in dressing in style, they returned to their backwards society dressed like men of wealth and taste. And Remus becoming 'modestly-wealthy' through the Potters since James left him quite a fortune to last him till the day he dies, was enjoying himself for the first time since he was bitten by Greyback.
Sirius showed he was ready to take his seat in the Wizengamot, now that he's fully up to snuff, with having control over the Potter and Black Votes. He surprised people with his new appearance, attire befitting of a Pureblood male, and due to his looks, Witch Weekly swooped on him.
'Lord Black, how did you get your looks?!' reporters from Witch Weekly gushed out. 'You definitely don't look like someone who just left Azkaban! You look like you just left Hogwarts!'
'Oh, this? Lorelei took, err dragged me into European Mainland for a thorough treatment and closet shopping! She took charge since considering my wrongful stint, I'm a bit out of touch with fashion trends and she definitely knows how to dress in style...took pages off her Guardian's book, no doubt. I got good-looking just in time for the World Cup!'
'Do have us take photos and an interview regarding your experiences...'
WITCH WEEKLY'S LATEST EDITION
***********************************
LORD SIRIUS ORION BLACK III, THE
TRAGIC VICTIM OF A FRAME-UP AND
MINISTERIAL BLUNDER, NOW GORGEOUS
YOUTHFUL HUNK OF A REINSTATED LORD!
(interview on P2)
***********************************
The interview was all about his experiences with his recently-met goddaughter whom he contacted to invite to see the Quidditch World Cup as he just finished rehab in St. Mungo's, but apparently, Lorelei Potter who was raised in a country of Love, Beauty and Vanity by her new Guardian decided its 'not good enough' and dragged him to the mainland's magical alleys wherein she dragged him to a Beautician's Corner to restore his youth and good looks, dental treatments included, then a thorough physical wherein apparently, the ways of the Purebloods' too much intermarriage has dangerous problems that reared its ugly head, that they had to gain legal permission from the country's Ministry to use a Potion to cure all problems. Inherited Genetical Disorders, Fertility Issues and Sexual Disorders all taken care of that even if he married a Pureblood who's related to the Blacks somehow, their offspring will not suffer by genetic inheritance of various illnesses and disorders. Why the legal permission part? The ingredients needed are from Class XXXXX beasts by British Standards even he grimaced from because it made it heinously expensive, but Lorelei didn't care, and all she cared about was securing his future as a family man who can have many healthy kids with his ideal witch that its worth the money spent.
She also spoiled him with latest beauty products and male fashion trends she learned from her Guardian/Tutor in order to score a good foreign pureblood witch just to be double-sure to ensure the future survival of the Most Ancient Noble House of the Pureblood Black Family.
The reveal of too much Pureblood Inbreeding Dangers shook Wizarding Britain's rafters and chaos through outrage and denials ensued that there's rushing to prove that some families are NOT inbred but the Goblins craftily released Family Trees to the Daily Prophet. The only Pureblood Families who are NOT Inbred, were the Weasleys because while the Weasleys and Blacks are related, the Prewetts ain't. The Prewetts came from America to escape the Salem Witch Hunts, so Molly and Arthur Weasley are blessed with seven-turned-six children, resulting in a very fertile marriage with no problems at all, even if Molly and Arthur married late in life. The Greengrasses are from America as well, with the Malfoys originally from France, but driven out of their family ancestral lands through World War I and settled in Britain. Their land happened to in in a really bad location...the MacDougals are from Canada but fled from a plague breakout that was unfortunately, timed with the witch hunts in America.
Everyone else...well...either inbred, or married muggleborns and half-bloods through love-marriages instead of matching-marriages, thus are safe from the finger-pointing and be labelled 'inbred'.
Needless to say that interview opened a can of social worms.
It reached EMI of course.
Not only that, Remus acquired loads of EMI issues for the past 100 years, and talked with Xenophilius Lovegood about waking Britain up to the bitter reality, and Xeno eagerly agreed because to him, while waking people up to the truth is good, he loves chaos just as much. But he would wait until the World Cup is over in stirring up trouble.