As you can see, I eventually decided to continue on from the previous chapter. However! It begins from another character's point of view and from a completely different part of the story. If I do end up continuing this further I will eventually connect the two. Hence, if you feel lost, you need-not worry - you're not imagining things.
I've been working on this chapter for a little while and I can't seem to get it right. It just feels like I sat here and ranted from the character's point of view for a good half hour and then expanded on it. I also can't seem to get the motivation to redo it, so this will just have to do I think.
I stand on the bridge walkway and ponder hauling myself over the iron bars in front of me and jumping into the deep, dark blue below. I don't though. Still standing here, I think the same thing over and over again. My mind is killing me. Though aren't I already dead? The thought of being beyond headaches is beautiful. It's kind of unsettling though since I'd rather have a gruelling headache than be six feet under. So in a silly little way I'm thankful. I'm pretty sure I'm still dead though, which just raises more questions and makes me hate myself as I can feel the slight pounding in my head get a little worse.
Taking in the vibrant colours shining off of the water I take a moment to stare wide-eyed at the simulator above and behind me. It looks so close to the real thing. At least I've been told. I have never, once, been on or close to Earth. Everything in my memory is just a hologram fabricated to make me believe that even the slightest hole in this gigantic snow globe – minus the snow – I live in won't make my blood boil and burst from my insides. That I won't spend one or two minutes suffocating and wishing I'd just hurry up and die already. The dream of dying in my bed at home surrounded by children, grandchildren, maybe even great-grandchildren, really appeals to me. Believe me when I say that. I've heard some pretty gruesome stories about death in space.
A large shadow that moves through the choppy water catches my attention and moves my thoughts away from that of death. Taking a deep breath of the fresh, cold manufactured Winter's air I pull my jacket closer to my body and shove my hands in the fur lined pockets.
Heliopolis really is a wonderful place to live. I don't regret growing up in a place like this, even if I had the choice not to. One day, I will definitely visit the blue world. In the letters he sends me, Sai likes to entertain me with tales of the many histories and cultures of Earth. When we get caught up in it we sometimes even start planning out our adventures. We've already decided that as soon as we get married we will take the first shuttle available there. And when we arrive we will head off to see what remains of the many ancient Wonders of the World. Sai has told me that only few remain as the rest were destroyed in the past century during all of the different wars that were fought. It's saddening that we didn't get our chance to view the ones that no longer remain. What is gained by fighting, I will never know.
That is only the beginning though. I hope, no, I will make sure that we live some of the most fulfilled lives in humanity. I'm so pleased that father betrothed Sai to me. We make the perfect match. I love the adventurous side of him. He makes everything sound plausible, like we could do everything we ever wanted in our tiny human lifespan. As if everyone in the world could do it too, if only they wanted. Forget about the money and whatever else could and would get in the way.
I giggle and bring my hand to my mouth, hoping to hide my laughter as if he were watching me now. I imagine him looking downwards, embarrassed for goodness knows what reason. The thought of it entertains me. It brings images of every natural on the planet standing in one big line waiting to ride the newest rollercoaster. People are shouting, "How long is this going to take? We want to cross this off our lists already and get to the next thing!"
Dropping my hand back to the other and crossing my arms under my jacket, my mood dampens. If only we could all have happiness. If only we could all have everything. Every want. Every desire. Every silly little feeling. Why, oh why, does my mind keep reverting to unhappy thoughts?
Coordinators. The blame belongs with them. Each morning I wake up to another day of wondering if we are next. If even though we are a neutral colony that someone will make the decision that we're in the way and need to be eradicated. After all, we are on much better terms with the Earth Forces than ZAFT. The vast majority of our population on Heliopolis are naturals. To be honest, I don't think I've ever met a coordinator once in my life.
Suddenly the image of someone's face flashes in front of my eyes and before I can gather who they are it is gone. I move away from the edge and consider going home. This is enough Flay, I tell myself. Enough wandering around in the middle of the night feeling as if you're missing something. You know just how lucky you are and how fantastic your life is. The opportunities you have that the rest don't, they're yours. Take them and use them wisely.
I tense as a breeze hits me with enough force to move me slightly sideways. I regain my balance and glance downwards once more.
Those people – if you could call them that – make my blood boil with rage. The things they've done, the people they've hurt. Our dreams are just turning to shattered mirrors, broken and covered in the blood of the one who smashed them. I don't care what anyone says. We would be much better off if they never existed!
In a matter of moments I have my gun in my hand and have the safety off. Before I realise what I'm doing it's out of the hidden pocket in my jacket and pointed straight at the man now standing in front of me. He has brown hair and bright eyes, and I swear I recall him. From where is this face? A flood of unknown emotion hits me like a wave as I still try to come to terms with the gun in my hands.
Only a few seconds seemed to have passed as I notice that I never had a gun in the first place. I've never held one before in my life, nevertheless hidden one in my clothing. Though still, it's there in my hands and shaking violently and I watch as the eyes of the man only a metre away from me stare straight back at it. He doesn't even blink once and just continues looking. My heart aches at the smile I can see slowly coming to his face. Does he not even take note of the gun in my hands or is he just plain crazy? I contemplate shouting at him, calling him an idiot for smiling in the face of danger.
His grin finally fully reaches his face and I watch every line it makes, even taking note of the dimples in his cheeks. Out of the blue I feel my hands trying to loosen their grip on the gun. I can feel my heart pushing my brain to send the signals. To tell my hands to drop it, then place them on his face. To feel the heat from his cheeks, the movement of the air from his mouth warm my cold face as I move ever closer. I somehow suddenly feel the determination not to give in. Something is holding me back and one part of me wants him dead and the other just… wants him.
Memories I'm not sure are real hit me and I can feel myself going completely red in the face. I can see us together on a ship in space. I can see him holding me at night, making me feel so secure. Next he's laughing as he sits in the seat next to me and I stupidly try to feed him dinner. The two of us walking along the top of the ship, that is now gliding effortlessly across the top of an ocean. My heart jumps a beat as I realise, and so greatly hope, that it is Earth the ocean belongs to. Finally, jealousy squeezes its way in and among the many other memories that bared themselves to me. It stands out the most and I grit my teeth and tightly close my eyes as I wish it gone. I feel like crying when my brain finally lets up, and in what seems to be slow motion my hands slowly let go of the gun and it topples to the concrete, bounces a couple of times and stops before it falls off the edge.
I make a move to get closer to him and a piercing light emanates from him and blinds me momentarily. I throw my hands in front of my eyes to block it. As I regain my sight I start to shake and throw my arms around myself. Tears stream violently down my cheeks and I throw myself to the ground. He is gone.
My mouth moves on its own and I am both surprised and saddened at the words that come out.
"I didn't really mean it, Kira," I say into the darkness. My voice cracks and I croakily let out just one more light sound towards the quiet, empty bridge in front of me. "Please come back to me…"
I awake to the sound of the alarm next to me and I don't move an inch. I feel like I've been hit by a car and I race through my mind trying to remember the dream that has already escaped me. Why do I still dream when I'm dead, I wonder.
Maybe it's because I'm still here, still alive. Maybe it's because I'm the clone of a dead girl.
Of who exactly, I don't know.