Sessions II: Nine Months
Chapter 2: Liar, Liar
House pushed open the door to Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital at 9:30 AM on Monday morning. His vacation was officially over and the first day of the rest of his life had just begun. Why he was out of bed, showered, dressed and ready for work before 9:30 AM was beyond him. A lot of things had changed over the past ten days but that part shouldn't have altered. Morning was not a good time for him, nor did he think it would ever be. Baby on the way or not. The butt-crack of dawn was an evil, nefarious time and no one should ever have to see that time of day, so he didn't understand why he was up so early. When his eyes sprung open before Cate's at 7:30, he was shocked. For some bizarre reason, he had pepper in his ass this morning. He had gotten up and showered. Threw some clothes on and made coffee. At home. And cooked her breakfast, which she promptly threw up, but that was beside the point. This morning, he was a freaking early bird with no pain. He felt… good. And that was just plain odd.
Cuddy met him promptly in the lobby as soon as he set foot into the building. She was unusually chipper as she held out a navy blue folder for him. "You have a new patient, " she sing-songed to him.
"Are you stalking me?"
"No. I was actually on my way up to deliver the case file Foreman, " she explained. "I just happened to run into you."
Ambling over to the elevator, she fell cheerfully into step beside him. "I assume from your uncharacteristically girly demeanor, your stick turn purple too, " he remarked.
She smiled excitedly and looked around. In a hushed voice she replied, "Yes. But, I don't want you to say anything until we know everything is safe."
"What is that, " he questioned. "Cate said the same thing." He punched the elevator button with his cane.
"It's just a precaution, " she explained. "It a superstition to tell about a pregnancy before the second trimester."
"Superstitions are bullshit, " he told her. "The viability of an embryo prior to 12 weeks has noting to do with old wives' tales."
She rolled her eyes and held out the folder for him to take. "15 year old male came into the ER last night with severe abdominal cramps and bloody stool."
"Yum, gotta love the bloody stool, " he said taking the folder from her.
The elevator doors swooshed open and he entered the car. To his surprise Cuddy followed him. "Why are you here so early?"
He made a suspicious face. "Why are you following me?"
"I'm not following you, " she answered. "We're having a conversation."
"Oh, that's what this is, " he said sarcastically. "I thought you were giving me a case and then you were going to make a like a woodchuck and get the chuck out of here, if you know what I mean."
She made a face at him and then continued. "You said 'too'. Cate's pregnant?" The doors slid closed and he had the feeling that he wanted to claw his way out through the trap door and shimmy up the cable to freedom.
He nodded succinctly in response to her question hoping he really didn't have to elaborate.
"Oh that's wonderful House. Cate must be thrilled, " she cooed. "Our kids are going to be the same age."
Good God, he hated chit-chat. Just because they went on vacation together, he was supposed to be her new best friend? "So it was Jimmy's super sperm that did the trick, " he said moving the train back in her direction looking at the ceiling at the trap door and tapping his cane on the floor. If only he could climb…
She blushed and smiled. "I knew I should have asked him right from the that time wasted searching for a donor…" He slid a look at her out of the corner of his eye. She was practically gushing. "I don't know what took us so long to finally figure it out. But, I can't even tell you how excited he is about it."
"It's just one more needy person for him to fulfill, " he muttered.
"Well, when he has you, how does he ever have time for anyone else, " she muttered sarcastically back at him. The door to the fourth floor opened and he stepped out, praying that she wasn't going to follow him. She did. Why, he wasn't sure. Nor did he care.
He looked back at her with irritation and pushed open the door to Diagnostics with a dramatic sweep of the arm. "Dr. Cuddy, I will not have sex with you and that's final. I'm a married man for God's sakes!" She stood stock still at the threshold of the door with her mouth agape as the four pairs of eyes landed on her. "Taub's the one who's into the infidelity thing, try him." He pointed his cane at the short doctor who was sitting in one of the chairs off to the side reading the newspaper earning a disgruntled snort from his insulted employee. Cuddy snapped her mouth shut and turned on her heel heading in the directions of Wilson's office. He smirked and dumped his backpack on Taub's lap. "Be a mensch and take care of that for me." Taub smirked back with laced venom and dropped the pack from a considerable height down onto the floor, behind one of the chairs, which was distinctly awkward for him to get to. House glared at him. Touché, asshole…
"Welcome back, " Kutner greeted him cheerfully sitting down with his mug of coffee.
"Thank God, " Thirteen expressed gratefully. "Now you can take your crazy, sex maniac cat back, she won't leave me alone."
"Aw come on, she's a good little pussy, you should know all about how to handle that, " he commented with a smirk as he made his way over to the coffee machine.
"Fuck you. So glad you're back, " she retorted bringing her attention back to her magazine. "You can come get her tonight after our shift."
He poured himself a cup and fixed it with three sugars and some half and half. Turning back to them he leaned on the counter. "So my little ducklings, did you miss Daddy while he was gone?"
"Yeah."
"No."
"No."
"Hell no." That was Foreman. "It was quiet, manageable and sane for a change. I almost thought I was working in a real hospital. Is that a case?" He pointed at the folder in his hand.
"Yo… I come back looking like a broth'a from another moth'a and that's how you play me, " he protested. "Where's the love G?"
Foreman shook his head. "You may be all tan and relaxed but, you ain't got the soul of broth'a. You're still just an Oreo. "
Foreman grabbed for the folder but House pulled it out of his reach."Ohh snap… Still your boss."
Taub chuckled from behind his medical journal.
Kutner looked confused. "I don't get it. Why'd you call him a cookie?"
Thirteen glanced up at him with an incredulous expression. "What are you retarded?"
Foreman took pity on him. "An Oreo, black on the outside, white on the inside."
"Kutner, sometimes you frighten me, " House said tossing the file down at the perplexed young one. "Differential diagnosis: 15 year old male brought into the ER last night with severe stomach cramps and blood in the stool. No fever. No history of ulcers, colitis, etc…"
"Meckles diverticulum, " Thirteen offered stealing the chart from Kutner.
"You're not going to tell us about your trip, " Kutner asked leaning over to read upside down.
House glared at him. "No. Kid's pooping blood. A tad more important."
"He could have a bleeding ulcer. Not even a little bit?" he pressed.
"No." House stared at him. "And I just said 'no' history of ulcers. Why don't you climb under the table and see if you can read it through the glass?" he snarked because Kunter's leaning was annoying him.
"He could have had an ulcer and didn't know it until now, " Taub offered coming to the table. Thirteen slid the older doctor the open folder and Kutner slammed back down into his seat with a slouch.
"True but there should have been some kind of history of indigestion and stomach upset, " House countered taking a sip of his coffee.
"What's on your finger, " Thirteen asked peering at him like she was a pair of binoculars.
House held his right hand out and flipped it back and forth. "Oh my God, I hope it's not a booger. I picked a big one in the elevator on the ride up, " he remarked over-dramatically with a concerned shrug.
She rolled her eyes at him. "No. Other hand, " she said standing to get a closer look.
"Is that a…" Foreman interjected coming a bit closer away from where he was writing symptom on the whiteboard.
"It is, " Taub confirmed.
"What? I can't see, " Kutner complained craning his neck from the end of the table where House usually sat.
"It's a wedding ring?" Thirteen exclaimed. Her eyes were huge with disbelief.
House switched his coffee to his other hand and held up his left hand, looking casually at the ring flipping that hand back and forth. "Oh, you mean this?" He smiled. "Yup. It's a wedding ring."
They all stared at him in silence.
House snorted. "Don't all congratulate me at once."
They all continued to stare at him. Oh, this was fun… He didn't even have to do anything and they were stymied.
"We'll take cash as a wedding gift, " he added.
A good three minutes went by as they stared at him in stunned silence. He smirked and casually sipped at his coffee.
Finally, Foreman broke out into laughter. "Oh, that's good." He covered his mouth with the knuckle of his finger and then pointed it back at House. "That's a good one. You had us there for a second."
"Wait. What?" Kutner disagreed. "Why would he pretend?"
"To mess with us, " Taub retorted.
"You really are retarded, " Thirteen insisted.
House was confused. "Hold on a minute. You guys don't believe me?" He held up his hand for them to get a better look at the ring. "This is my wedding ring."
Foreman laughed harder. "You? Married? Cameron will marry Chase before you'll ever get married. Never gonna happen."
Taub shook his head and shrugged. "House, you've got to admit, you're not exactly the marrying kind of guy."
"It's a real wedding band, " House said. Frankly, he was a little insulted.
"This is all an elaborate practical joke, " Foreman said and pointed at the ring. "And that's not real."
Thirteen got up from the table and trotted over on her stiletto heeled boots. Grasping his hand, she inspected his ring. "It's a real wedding ring, guys."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything, " Taub objected. "He probably borrowed on of Wilson's old wedding rings. He's got what… three of them?"
"You guys think he'd really go to such lengths just to fuck with us, " Kutner asked.
"Two years in a row he's fixed the secret Santa gifts to screw with us, " Foreman reminded the young fellow.
"But, that's because he hates Christmas, " Kutner objected. "It's like April fools for him."
"And this is this year's joke, " Foreman stated.
"He paid $3500 for a hooker to play a dead breast implant patient because we used his name on a website, " Taub responded. "The man is capable of anything."
Kutner actually looked pissed. "So you're saying he got married to fuck with us?"
"You're an idiot, " Hose said. "You think I got married just to mess with your pea sized brains?"
"They're not married, Taub said.
House shook his head. "We are married."
Thirteen shook her head. "Is Cate in on this?"
House stared at his sole female fellow. "She married me, for crying out loud. Of course she's 'in on it'."
"Man, you've tainted another good woman, " Foreman said shaking his head.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" House shot at him.
"Now you've got Cate lying for you too, " Foreman replied. "It's like you've got a harem of women who'll say anything for you."
"You better not be including me in that list, " Thirteen shot at Foreman with her arms crossed over her chest.
House couldn't believe his ears. They actually did not believe him. "It's not a lie. Cate and I were married in Jamaica on Christmas Day. Wilson was my best man. Cuddy was her whatever. My mother and Cate's father were there."
Kutner turned on him. "Dude, Christmas Day? You hate Christmas, now I know you're lying," he challenged. "That's a really shitty thing to fuck around with. That woman loves you and you'd lie about it?"
"I'm not lying, " he exclaimed.
"Yeah, ok, " Foreman said.
"Sure, " Taub muttered.
Thirteen just kept her arms crossed and shook her head.
Kutner looked at him like he had just killed his pet dog.
House was pissed. This was one of the most important things he's done in his life and not a single one of them believed him. They thought he was pulling a hoax. Fuckers.
"Go get a colonoscopy and a contrast CT of the abdomen. And Kutner's doing the barium enema and the stool sample."
He limped heavily into his office and slammed the door with a reverberating clank. They didn't believe him? What the fuck?
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Cate knocked on Cuddy's office door and waited for the hospital administrator to call her in.
She crossed the office and sat in one of the chairs in front of her desk. "What I wouldn't give to be sitting back on the chaise with a pina colada and a view of Manuel again."
Cuddy grinned and leaned back in her chair. "No kidding. Instead, I'm swimming in stacks of year end financial reports that I have to go over with Accounting."
"That's why you get paid the big bucks, lady, " Cate pointed out.
"So, I hear it's official, " Cuddy said.
Cate smiled and then shook her head. "Yeah. It's official. You?"
Cuddy let out a contented sigh. "Yeah. For sure. I think we bought five different tests."
Cate laughed. "Oh, one was enough."
"I've been through this and disappointed so many times. I had to make sure it was real."
Nodding, Cate smiled sympathetically at her friend. "I'm keeping fingers crossed for you."
Cuddy eyed her concerned. "You don't seem very happy. Is everything alright. I know he's a pain in the ass…"
"No everything is ok, " she cut her off. "We just never really talked about having kids together. Hell for that matter, we never talked about getting married. It's all just so much in such a short time."
Cuddy leaned forward. "Do you regret getting married?"
Cate shook her head quickly. "No. Not at all. I'm thrilled. I just never expected that he would want to…" She scratched at spot behind her ear. "That was a happy surprise."
"And the baby wasn't, " Cuddy surmised.
Cate set her lips in a twisted little frown. "Not so much."
"Are you not going to keep the baby, " she asked her carefully.
"We are, " she said. "It just scares both of us, but somewhere inside, we both want this baby."
"That's a good thing, Cate, " Cuddy reassured her. "I'm sure it will get easier with time."
"I know, " she said. "Right now, we have to get over the hurdle of people finding out we're married."
Cuddy looked at her dubiously. "Yeah, that's not going to be an easy one to swallow."
"I've already had six nurses, two doctors and my assistant offer their condolences, " she replied.
Cuddy pressed lips together holding back a smirk. "That's… I…um, don't know what to say."
Cate laughed. "Please, I married House. What the hell else are people going to say? He's a giant pain in the ass and everyone knows it. I'm sure they think I should be in an insane asylum."
"I'll keep a spot reserved for you, " Cuddy snickered.
"Excellent, " Cate said joining in. "In the meantime, I need to start the process to change my name on all of my paper work."
Cuddy's eyes widened. "You're going to take his name?"
"I haven't told him yet, " Cate said with a little smile. "I think he just assumes I'm not. I want to use Milton-House here at work to distinguish between the two of us, but I want all of my legal paperwork to say House."
"Oh Cate, " Cuddy expressed. "That's so wonderful."
"My mother would roll over in her grave if I didn't, " Cate said with a rueful little smile. Her mother was very traditional. Not taking her husbands name would have unsettled her to no end. It was a small thing that she could do to honor her mother's memory.
Cuddy waved her hand at her. "I'm going to have to explain to my mother why I'm still not married but pregnant. That might actually put her in her grave."
"Have you both talked about getting married?"
"Yeah but, right now we're content to just be, " Cuddy explained. "He's been married three times and I haven't been a real relationship, ever. We need to take it slow."
"Slow? You're having a baby together, it can't get much faster than that, " Cate pointed out.
"Yes, " she drew out slowly. "We're going to re-examine it later."
"Ok, " Cate said letting the subject go. She was going to let House tackle that one with Wilson because she was sure that he would certainly have an opinion about it.
"Have you decided who's going to be your OB?" Cuddy asked.
"I've been seeing Sheldon for a while, " Cate told her. "He's pretty good."
"You know that he and House hate each other, right?"
Cate made a face. "Do I really want to know why?"
"Probably not. Let's just say the words 'moron' and 'asshole' were flying back and forth a lot," Cuddy told her.
"Great, " Cate muttered. "This will just add to the already peaceful transition."
Cuddy grimaced. "Good luck."
Cate rose from her chair and left the office with a wave. She was not thrilled about that little gem of information she'd just received. But, the truth was she knew that whichever doctor they were going to deal with was most certainly going to have to be approved by House in the first place. There was no way he was going to let just anyone be his baby's obstetrician. That much was a given.
Coming in to the lobby she saw him standing by the Nurse's station in the clinic. Wondering how his day was going, she took detour and entered the clinic. He must have made some kind of comment to Nurse Brenda because she rolled her eyes at him and thrust a folder into his hand.
"Here is the lucky woman now, " House said with a dry smirk.
Nurse Brenda turned a sympathetic eye to her. "Congratulations?"
"Thank you?" Cate shrugged.
House pulled a lollipop out of the glass container on the desk and popped it in his mouth. Sucking on it for a second, he took it out of his mouth. He seemed like he was in a joking mood but his eyes were cold. "She doesn't believe we're married either."
Cate grinned at the woman and showed her her rings. "It's true."
Brenda shook her head and turned a pitiful eye on her. "Oh, God help you …"
House hobbled away from the desk towards exam room two. Following him, she touched her hand to his coat sleeve. "What's wrong? You're cranky."
He paused with his hand on the door knob. "I'm fine."
"No you're not, " she observed. "What gives?"
"Has Thirteen snuck up to see you yet, " he asked.
Cate shook her head. "No. Why?"
He shrugged and placed a fake smile on. "No reason. She wasn't us to pick up Sexy Kitty after work. I'll get her so you can just go straight home."
Cate nodded. "Okay. Are you sure you're alright?"
This time he really smiled at her. "I'm fine." His eyes softened. "You look tired. You should go home and take a nap."
She was indeed tired and could use some sleep. This was a lot more draining than she had thought. "I have two more sessions and then I'll head home."
"I'll see you later, " he said.
"Yes, " she responded turning to go away but then doubled back. "You didn't tell anyone did you? Besides Cuddy I mean?"
He shook his head. "Nope."
"Good, " she replied. Placing her hand over his, she squeezed his fingers. She wanted to kiss him goodbye and her lips twitched at the possibility but it just wouldn't be appropriate. He squeezed her fingers back reading her mind.
"I'll see you at home."
"Yes, see you at home, " she replied and left the clinic as he disappeared behind the exam room door. She couldn't wait to tell him about changing her name. She hoped that he would be happy about that and that maybe she could surprise him with something nice for a change. He couldn't always be the one with the upper hand at the grand gestures. That just wouldn't' be fair…