The swirling, white ash subsided and I found myself once more at Firelink Shrine.
My hands reached up to my newest acquisition, the Wolf Knight helm that rested on my head, and I lowered the blue fabric that covered my face. I breathed deep in the familiar scent of the Shrine. It was so much better than that dark place I had been off to lately.
My eyes searched for a pale figure, clad in black, and i spotted her on the steps that encircled the bonfire. She must have heard me arriving, for she stood up and turned to face me. The sight of her made me feel as if a thousand arrows were piercing my body.
This time I was bringing with me a loot of thousands of souls, so I kneeled before her proudly. I lifted my eyes and saw her smiling, leaving me breathless once more.
Her smile was different this time. Normally, a deep melancholy restrained her expressions. She was a Fire Keeper, somebody whose duty was to ensure the longevity of light; but, ironic as it might be, something inside her was trying to dull her own light.
This time, though, she let me catch a glimpse of it. Her smile was wider, radiating happiness - a feeling her inner self always seemed too determined to keep in shackles.
I didn't dare avert my gaze. If my return had managed to make her happy enough to break through the chains of duty and rules, I wanted to savor every moment of it. Who knows how long it would be before she would let herself go like this again?
I wanted to free her. I wanted to give her the chance to let go without any more guilt. She shouldn't have to hide her feelings. She should be free to dream, to hope, to want, to decide for herself. There was not much room for these things in this land, anyway, but if I could carve out even a grain of happiness for her, I would. To hell with the Fire, if her duty was such a prison for her soul.
But... How could I know if this was the right thing for her? How could I be sure that I was not just being selfish?
Perhaps she didn't want to let go of her duty. If being the Fire Keeper was the purpose of her life, who was I to strip her from it?
I didn't know a thing about Fire Keepers. I didn't know if they chose that path by themselves. I wanted to give her the chance to dream, to hope, to choose, but what if she had, after all, chosen this path?
What if her dream and her hope was the linking of the Fire and nothing more? What if her wish was to help me achieve this goal? What if that was what was truly making her happy?
It seemed that my wish was selfish, after all. I should do whatever would make her happy, not me. She was always saying that she was at my service, but it was the other way around.
I lowered my head and offered my souls to her.
"Very well. Then touch the darkness within me. Take nourishment from these sovereignless souls".
Normally I would take off my helmet, to allow myself to feel her touch. This time I left it on. If I was to truly serve her, I shouldn't let myself be distracted by my own desires.
I could feel the power inside me growing as she chanted incantations with her soft voice. Her hand was on the top of my helmet, but I could feel the warmth of the strength of thousands of souls searing through the metal and into my skin. When the chanting stopped, I was more potent and determined than before.
"Farewell, Ashen One".
I took this as my cue to stand; but before I managed to do so, I was immobilized by a most unexpected gesture. Her fingers glided down my helmet until they reached me exposed cheek. She caressed my skin softly, tracing the line of my jaw until she reached my chin.
It lasted only a few moments. It stopped as unexpectedly as it had started, before i could enjoy it as much as I wanted.
It was as if my previous thoughts melted away. Now all I wanted was for her to touch me again. But then...
"May the flames guide thee".
...she wasn't smiling anymore. She was steeped in a melancholy deeper than I had ever seen. I wondered once more if my thoughts were clear to her, if she had understood my wish for her and found it inappropriate. But, could she be mad at me, since she just just caressed me when she needn't even come to contact with my skin?
I couldn't understand what was going on inside her. If only she didn't wear this mask... If I could see her eyes, I could read in them all the things she wouldn't - or couldn't - tell me.
I stood up and bowed. Perhaps I would find out what the truth was, sooner or later, but until then I would be careful not to make her feel uncomfortable again.
I had one more matter to take care of before leaving Firelink Shrine. With my remaining souls I had to stock up with arrows, throwing knives and firebombs. I walked past the Shrine Handmaid and headed down the hallway to Greirat's little corner.
"Oh, hello, you're back! And in one piece!", he exclaimed, delighted, when he saw me. I really liked this little, friendly creature: that is why I had saved his back numerous times, though I doubted that he knew that.
As we exchanged goods his sparkly eyes pierced though me. "You are really pensive today, my friend. Is there something troubling you?", he asked. I shook my head and he let a small laugh that sounded like a sharp exhale. "Little Greirat knows what's in your mind. You know...". He leaned in closer and lowered his voice. "The Fire Keeper has been acting strange lately".
That managed to catch my attention. "What do you mean?"
He grinned slyly. "I think that she gets more and more eager for your return as time goes by. After the last time you left, she developed a new habit: she tends to walk around the bonfire for hours on end. If you ask me...", he laughed, "she is always waiting for you".
The thief watched me with a huge grin on his face, but I knew better. "It is her duty to guard the Flame. It's logical, her being anxious about me and my quest".
"About you, my friend. Not your quest", he sang merrily.
Poor Greirat. His intentions were good, but he had no idea what he was talking about. The Fire Keeper was always on my mind; under the sun of Lothric or during the endless night of Irithyll, in the darkness of the Untended Graves or by the fores of Smouldering Lake, I kept thinking of her. But still, I never got to understand what she was thinking. I never knew what was in her how could Greirat know? She was a mystery to me and everyone else.
He saw me shaking my head and giggled again. "You are an unbelieving fellow, ain't you? But tell me, then, how come I heard her sigh your name?"
"You-what?", I stammered, trying to process what he just said. The look on my face must have been rather enjoyable, for his grin grew even wider. "Explain yourself!", I demanded.
"Well...". He let another one of his sharp-exhale laughs. "You know this tower just by the Shrine? Sure you do, since you defeated that mad fellow that stood guard by its door".
"I know. The Fire Keepers' graves are in there. What about it?"
"Yes, it's a nasty place, full of coffins, but it's also the only deserted place around here nowadays. So, sometimes, I hide some of my merchandise there - so many coffins with nothing but dust in them! Ah, the perfect place if you want to hide something!", he winked.
"Get to the point".
"The point is, you had just left and you had depleted my stock of arrows, so I thought I'd go to the tower to fetch some from my hiding place. But there was somebody else in there already".
I felt my heart skip a beat.
"It was the Fire Keeper! I thought I heard her talking, so I crept in closer to see what this was about, but then I understood: she wasn't talking, she was sighing, and she was sighing your name - in a most... inappropriate tone, if I may add", he said gleefully.
"What... What do you mean?". But I knew what he meant. It was just impossible for me to conceive. "Did you...?". I swallowed, to clear my throat, but the blood in my veins was already rushing and my mind was racing, so it was hard to keep my voice steady. "Did you see anything more?"
"Now, now! Creeping like this on our Fire Keeper in her private moments isn't acceptable even for a nasty old thief like me!"
"Right", I murmured.
Could he be lying? He had no reason to. So, if this was true... Then she had desires of her own, after all. She just couldn't express them to me, or to anyone else, for that matter. She was forced to keep them for herself, just like her feelings and her thoughts.
If this was true, she did want more from her life... from me.
She just couldn't admit it. For some reason, she couldn't. But who was there to force her to keep living in restraint? Who was there to punish her for her feelings?
She was battling with herself, and only herself. Her shackles was her sense of duty. Her prison was her mind. But she longed for more. I finally knew that now.
I heard Greirat's quiet laugh. "Consider it a thanks for all the times that you kept an eye on me", he said. So he had figured that out, too.
I made a small bow and ran up the stairs and down the corridor, towards the bonfire.
I knew exactly what I had to do now.
Hello, everybody! Firstly, I would like to thank you for reading and supporting my story. :D
It started as a fun little practice on writing a smut-involving romance, because I've never written anything like this before, but it turned out to be a much deeper love story. I received a lot of unexpected support and it made me really happy. However, it will involve smut (wait for chapter 3!) because that's why I started writing it. To the more romantic ones out there, don't worry! It's going to be romantic and true to the characters - but I'll also try to make it long and hot as hell! ;)