Author Note: Thank you to everyone for following, favouriting and leaving a comment. As always, I appreciate you all so much. I think it's a little slow starting but I hope it'll get more exciting soon.
It was the kind of day that reminded Jane of her childhood. She sat in the waiting room at the OB/GYN's office with Maura, her head disappearing into the clouds of doctor's appointments and trips to the hospital. That same scent of cleanliness lingered in the air. A small boy crawled around on the floor with a toy train he'd picked up from the children's corner. It was a lot smaller than the one they had at her paediatrician's office and the children's waiting room at the hospital.
"Did I ever tell you about the time I broke my leg whilst at the hospital?" she asked, filling the silence of the near-empty room. Maura shook her head. "I was there getting the cast off my arm which I broke playing flag football."
"Isn't that supposed to be a no-contact sport?"
"Tell that to eight year old me." Maura smiled. "I sneaked a can of cola out of the fridge at home and drank the whole lot on an empty stomach. When we got to the waiting area Ma had to fill in some paperwork. I decided to climb onto the back of the couch and jump off, only I was a little heavier than the couch could handle and it flipped up. I ended up on the floor with my leg in the air screaming blue murder."
Maura's smile faded. "Never give small children cola, check."
"That's all you have to say?"
"I'm sorry, Jane," said Maura, forging a smile. "I'm a little nervous, I'm using cognitive specific imagery to counteract it."
"And that is?"
"Visualisation of the event. Works better with sport or during interviews. I figure if I visualise a positive appointment then maybe that is what I will get."
Jane shrugged. "It's your first appointment, it's just routine."
She'd put off her own appointment for a few weeks after she discovered she was pregnant. Truth was, whether it was routine or not, Jane was petrified. The idea of going into a room where someone would tell her what she could and couldn't do for nine months made her so uncomfortable that she avoided it at all costs. Not that she was going to tell Maura that.
"I know," said Maura, folding her arms in her lap. "There's just so much to remember, a lot of tests and checks. What if I forget to ask the questions I have? What if there's not enough time? What if I'm too old to be a mother?"
Jane turned in her seat and rubbed Maura's shoulder. The last few days they'd been so busy that Jane hadn't had time to check in. They hadn't discussed how Maura felt about it and no amount of guesswork was going to help. Jane agreed to go to the doctor's appointment to support Maura, and that was exactly what she wanted to do.
"Is this how it's going to be?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.
"What do you mean?"
"Am I going to spend the next eight months with the most neurotic woman in Boston?"
"I'm not neurotic," Maura said, staring at the wall opposite. "I'm thorough."
"Neurotic," Jane whispered. Her voice trailing off as the doctor's door opened and she called Maura's name.
They went through the usual procedure; Maura's health and family health history, taking bloods, blood pressure, height and weight. Jane sat beside Maura and waited, listening for any information she could gather to help ease the pressure. After the pelvic exam, the doctor rolled up the ultrasound machine.
"Let's see what we can find," she said, pushing Maura's shirt up and squirting gel on her abdomen.
Maura reached out her hand and grabbed for Jane's nearest one. She cupped both hands around Maura's and watched the sonogram.
"You see this, here," said the doctor, pointing to a tiny shape on the screen. "That's the amniotic sac, and that's your baby."
The words echoed in Jane's mind, her own sonogram flooding her thoughts. She tried to match Maura's happiness but her mind drifted away from Maura and her baby, until it landed in the doctor's office during her own ultrasound. A similar picture on the screen, though her baby was a little larger. She felt tears prick at her eyes and chewed on her lip to distract herself.
"Why can't I hear a heartbeat?" Maura asked, her smile faltering, pulling Jane back into the room. Her heart fluttered inside her chest. Maura squeezed Jane's hand so tightly that she could feel the pressure on her bones. She prised Maura's fingers off and swapped her hand out for her other one, which received the same treatment.
"It's perfectly normal at this stage that your baby's heartbeat might be too faint to pick up," said the doctor. "We can do a transvaginal ultrasound to make sure."
"Please," said Maura.
Jane closed her eyes and listened to the two women exchange conversation. She could see Maura in her mind, sitting beside her at the hospital, when she discovered that her baby didn't make it. When the second ultrasound didn't pick up a heartbeat, Jane could feel herself falling apart. Maura's fingers were still clutched around her hand.
"Yes, I estimate you to be around five weeks," said the doctor. Jane opened her eyes and tried to emulate Maura's cautious smile. "Try not to worry too much, at this stage it's just too early to find a heartbeat. As long as you continue to do all of the things we talked about, the next time you come in we should be able to find one."
After taking a urine sample, Maura and Jane sat opposite the doctor's desk. Jane reached out to Maura's hand and hand it tightly. For her own comfort as much as Maura's.
"Given your age I'm sure you and your partner are well aware of the risks to pregnancy," the doctor said.
"I'm not her partner," Jane said, sitting up straight. She let go of Maura's hand.
"Jane is my best friend," said Maura, folding her hands back onto her lap. "She's here in place of the father, who is currently absent."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed."
"It's fine. I know I have a higher risk of my baby developing abnormalities," said Maura, her voice perfectly calm. Jane could feel her heart racing in her chest. "I should also be aware of preeclampsia and gestational diabetes."
"It's so much easier working with fellow doctors," the woman said, with a smile. "Try to keep an eye out for any symptoms. Don't stress yourself out unnecessarily. If you have any concerns, just book another appointment. If you'd like to come back in a week to hear the heartbeat, I'd be more than happy to fit you in."
"Thank you," said Maura, smiling at the doctor, then Jane. She attempted to smile back, though it didn't quite reach her eyes.
They walked to the car in complete silence. She knew that she should be the one to break the tension and encourage Maura that everything was going to be just fine. Instead, Jane could feel her hands shaking. After everything she'd been through, the thought of exploring that again made it a little harder to be there for Maura.
"I'm fine," said Maura, sitting in the car. "Doctor Kinsey is right, we shouldn't worry."
"No," said Jane, though her speeding heart said otherwise.
Back at Maura's office, Jane sunk into the leather couch, her gaze frozen on the Egyptian rug on the floor. She remembered how she felt at five weeks. She felt an overall weariness that she put down to the strain of her relationship breakdown, until she found out a week later.
"Have you told Jack?" Jane asked, fighting against her consuming thoughts.
"Not yet," said Maura, sitting down beside her. "I'm going to call him tonight and ask him to come to Boston. It doesn't seem right telling him over the phone."
"How are you feeling now?"
"Tired," said Maura, covering her mouth as she yawned. "I didn't sleep well yesterday, my mind's been too busy."
"What about the baby? It's been less than a week."
"I feel okay," said Maura, her face lit up. "I've always wanted to be a mother. Whether Jack is here or not. It feels like my only chance."
Jane leant back against the couch, reaching her hand out for Maura's. When their fingers connected, Jane squeezed Maura's hand between them. If she couldn't give her all of her enthusiasm, she would at least offer her as much as she could.
The return to work was a welcomed relief that Jane was grateful for. She refocused her attention on their newest case and attempted to put Maura and the baby out of her mind. When she went home that evening her distractions ceased and it all flooded back again.
"Not now, Jo Friday," she snapped, pushing the dog off her lap and onto the floor. She laced up her running shoes, filled Jo Friday's food bowl and left her apartment.
The night was dry and quiet. She blocked out the buzz of traffic in the distance and focused instead on putting one foot in front of the other. The exertion involved in her run pulled her brain away from her thoughts and onto the thrumming inside of her chest. With each step she felt her heart race along with her.
"Stab wound," she muttered, going through the latest case as she ran. "Sixteen. Orphan. No family."
When Jane slowed down to take a break she found herself stood in the same park she'd been in weeks before. The empty bench where she'd sat thinking about her unborn child. She ran her hands across her abdomen and imagined what she'd look like now, around eight months pregnant. Would the baby have already arrived? Would Casey have come back and supported her? She'd never know.
"What are you doing, Rizzoli?" she asked herself, sitting down on the bench and staring out across the park. Everything she'd been through lately had helped to heal her old wounds. She thought she'd reached a point where everything was going to be okay and now she didn't know what to think. Maybe she was only thinking about her pregnancy because of Maura, or maybe it was always going to come back to haunt her. The last thing she wanted was for it to stop her from supporting her best friend. She told her she'd be there for her. No matter how painful that might be, she couldn't just back out of that.