Behold, a little ditty in which I poke fun at Kirk's habit of screwing things up just by entering the room! Poor guy just can't catch a break...
o.O.o
Chapter 2 – The Curse of Captain Kirk Part 1
Four months
Sometimes, Spock reflected as he dodged an approaching tree, the great Captain Kirk was an idiot. Everything seemed to go wrong whenever Kirk was planet side.
"Did we lose them?" said Captain wheezed from behind the Vulcan, clutching his stomach painfully.
"I believe so," Spock replied evenly. His voice was higher than usual. "We have not received any indication that they may be following us."
"Then let's… take a break." They slowed to a shaky halt and Kirk collapsed on a rock, shaded by a huge tree. Spock gently lowered Uhura's cloaked form onto the rocky ground and touched her wrists, noting how her body was still in shock. "How's… she doing?" Kirk gasped squeakily.
"She is still experiencing shock, though I removed the weapon twenty minutes and forty-eight seconds ago."
"You mean… we were running for twenty minutes?"
"Indeed. They were most persistent. I am unsure how we were able to maintain such a speed for twenty minutes without the atmospheric conditions affecting us."
Kirk waved a hand dismissively. "Remind me to tell Bones that he needs to bump up my physical date. It'll make me want to exercise more." He collapsed.
o.O.o
Five hours previously Spock was sitting comfortably at his station, examining the atmospheric conditions of the planet they were approaching. He had detected the planet mere minutes ago and Sulu had adjusted their course so they would exit Warp above the atmosphere.
Zia tapped at her own console, taking in the information Spock was sending her. "It looks like there's plenty of oxygen and hydrogen in the atmosphere," she said quietly, "and some helium too."
"Helium indicates that our voices shall heighten if we are present on the planet," Spock replied.
She nodded and her fingers flew across the console. "Initial scans show signs of civilisation to the north. There seems to be a rich animal population."
Spock nodded. "I will take charge of this expedition."
"Yeah, after last time I'd assume so…"
They both remembered the most recent planetary mission. A group of Junior Science Officers (not including Zia) had gone down to the new planet to take samples and had been infected by the local bugs. All the infected had been human and the two non-humans had had to get Yeto down to the planet to treat them. Spock didn't trust any of the Junior Officers to go down without Senior Officers, so he forbade any blueshirts from going down unless the planet was scouted first.
On the planet before that, a group led by Scotty had recovered a weapon from an extinct alien race. They were still trying to figure out how it worked and Carol Marcus was leading the research.
Finding planets was more difficult than it seemed, as most galaxies only had a handful of planets and only one or two were habitable. The inhabitable ones were scanned and mostly ignored by everyone but the science officers. Then the next galaxy was a month Warp away. Of course they would stop to examine space anomalies to create a more accurate map of the deep space, but they did most of that while in Warp. The scanners would still work and their overall job was to explore, so it was easier that way.
It didn't make the mountain of paperwork for the science officers any easier. Spock, Zia, and the other science officers had been working hard to write up reports for every planet they passed, assigning them a class and general geographical information. As members of the Alpha-shift, it also meant that the Vulcans spent more time on the Bridge that anywhere else on the ship.
"I will entrust my duties as Chief Science Officer to you until I return."
Zia shook her head. "We need to get the go-ahead from Kirk before deciding anything. Uh… where did he go?"
Amusement flickered within Spock. "He retreated to the facilities fifteen minutes and eleven seconds ago."
"Oh." She snickered and looked back at her console. "Do you think it was the chocolate he ate for breakfast? I told him not to eat it."
"I believe so. When he returns presently I will confront him with our request."
"In the meantime I'll get started with that planet report." Zia tapped her console screen and a file opened. She began to fill in the options, classifying the planet as Class-M and writing oxygen, hydrogen and helium as the atmospheric conditions. Spock continued to scan the planet repeatedly, more information popping up with each new scan. He shared his findings with Zia and they worked efficiently together.
Kirk entered the Bridge, stretching. "I'm back ladies!" he announced, skipping over to his chair and plonking down. Spock was onto him immediately.
"Captain, I wish to request that I lead the expedition to this planet." He showed Kirk the PADD and the Captain frowned slightly.
"So there's people on the planet?"
"Yes. I am unaware of their lifestyle, although their structures indicate a nomadic existence." Spock reclaimed the PADD and watched Kirk expectantly.
Kirk stretched. "Well I haven't been on a mission for three months, so I'm dying for some action. How about you and me?"
"I also believe that Lieutenant Uhura should join us. She is a celebrated xenolinguist and her skills will be useful."
"Sure thing." Kirk tilted his head. "Does she want to come?"
Spock raised his eyebrow. "Shall I ask?"
"Don't bother," came a voice from behind them. "Lieutenant Uhura wants to go."
They both looked back at the maroon-clad woman. "I'll bet you're dying for some action too," Kirk smirked.
"Yep. You can only rely on entertainment from McCoy for so long." She crossed her arms. "Are you both going?"
"You, Spock and me," Kirk nodded. "It should be easy, right?"
o.O.o
After four more hours in Warp, the Enterprise dropped out above the atmosphere of the planet. Spock, Kirk and Uhura had discussed their approach in that time. They decided that they would beam down to the outskirts of the civilisation, disguised in dark brown cloaks, and observe the locals from a distance. Uhura would record conversations and try to gain some insight into their language. Spock would examine everything around him from trees to the air to the physicality of the people themselves. Kirk would sit there looking pretty and would take action if they were discovered.
"We all good?" Kirk asked. Spock and Uhura nodded from their seats in the conference room and stood, following the Captain into the corridor. They went straight to the Transporter room and strapped utility belts around their waists before donning the cloaks and standing on the pad. An older Ensign sat in the seat and entered the coordinates rigidly, her eyes fixed on the console in front of her.
"I trust you shall not let your impulsive nature interfere with our simple mission," Spock stated calmly.
"In Spock-speak: behave. I'll do my best," Kirk sighed, falling into a crouch. Spock and Uhura copied him. They were enveloped in the white light of the Transporter and everything disappeared for a moment. Instead of the crisp white of the Enterprise, they were faced with a dark, tree-filled planet. There were no brightly-coloured trees here. Everything was set in dark greens and browns and their cloaks matched their surroundings perfectly.
Spock whipped out his tricorder. "Initial scans indicate that the civilisation is indeed close by. There are no life-signs nearby, so we should remain undiscovered." A high-pitched squeak escaped his throat and he stopped, coughing awkwardly.
Kirk gaped. "What was that sound?" His voice peaked, becoming higher with each word. He giggled, sounding like a chipmunk. "I guess this is from the helium in the atmosphere, huh?"
"You are correct."
Uhura doubled over in high-pitched laughter. "Spock, you sound ridiculous!" she giggled. "This is so funny! I'm glad I brought my recorder." She brandished it cheekily. Kirk rolled his eyes and led his crewmates through the bushes, reaching a rocky overhang that gave them a perfect view of the native civilisation. It was set in the very middle of a dirt-filled valley with forest lining the high edges where the Starfleet officers currently hid. The people lived in a large cluster of tents and quite a few were out and about.
"We must not interfere," Spock said immediately. "They must not know of our presence."
"Sure, sure," Kirk said dismissively. "This won't be a Nibiru repeat."
"Why do I have trouble believing that?" Uhura muttered. She held out her recorder and typed a few words to extend the range. Spock activated his tricorder and took stock of everything surrounding them: the appearance and density of the trees, the colour of the sky, the ionosphere, the current wind and weather patterns, a map of the surface, the tent design and many other factors. There was so much to look at. His heightened Vulcan eyesight picked up movement from within the native camp and he made note of the physical appearance of the people. They had four arms and were completely covered with hair.
"Did you get a picture of them?" the Captain asked, looking up from his scanner. Spock held up his tricorder and zoomed in on a native, snapping a picture to show Kirk. The blonde man gaped. "They're huge! Uhura, have you got a recording?"
"Yeah, it seems they talk in a high-pitched growl. It's probably because of the helium," she answered, manoeuvring her recorder to face Kirk.
"Okay. Will you be able to make any sense of the language? Hey, are you recording me?!"
She stopped the recording and snickered. "Now everyone on board can hear you sounding like a chipmunk! But yes, I can make sense of the language."
Spock glanced at them. "Captain, Lieutenant, I would prefer if you focused on the task at hand."
"Okay," Kirk nodded, "sure. I'll let you two do your thing."
They fell silent and Kirk moved back, sitting behind his crewmates. Spock went through all his scans and moved onto a biological scanner, attempting to find both a male and female subject to scan. Uhura ran the native language against similar languages within the Federation but came up with nothing.
Thirty minutes passed before Uhura switched off her recorder and sat back, rubbing her face. "This language makes no sense. I have no starting point." She groaned. "I'll bet that every civilisation we'll come across will be like this. I'd be surprised if we find a language that's compatible with a universal translator."
"It is possible," Spock replied. "I have acquired enough information. We may leave. Captain-" He froze. Kirk was gone.
"Uh… where's the Captain…?"
"I do not know." Spock activated his comm. "This is Commander Spock to Enterprise."
Sulu cracked up over the comm. "Spock, is that really you? You sound so weird!"
He huffed internally. "This atmosphere contains high amounts of helium. Now I would like to request a scan for Captain Kirk's transmitter signal."
Sulu replied after a few moments. "He's still on the planet, but his location is in the middle of the civilisation. Would you like me to try and hail him?"
Angry shouts sounded from the tents. Spock fought a smirk. "That is not necessary." He terminated the communication and tucked his tricorder underneath his cloak, standing up slowly. Uhura followed suit and they watched as Kirk's cloaked form burst out from the tents. He was being chased by quite a few four-armed natives.
"He's moving," Uhura said quietly. "The Transporter won't lock on."
Spock nodded. "Then we must assist the Captain." He jumped over the edge of the overhang, running unevenly down the pile of rocks and dirt to get to the valley bottom. Uhura followed slowly, her boots sinking into the dirt with her slow movement.
When they reached the bottom, they were almost level with Kirk. He approached quickly, yelling in terror. Uhura raised an arm to wave and gasped, stumbling back a step. Spock turned, panicked, and immediately saw a dart sticking in the side of the cloak. He tugged it out and threw her over his shoulder before falling into step with a sprinting Kirk. No words were exchanged as they ran from the angry natives, attempting to lose them through the dense forest with its winding paths. It was difficult to navigate through the trees but they had to. Worry coursed through Spock as he thought of Uhura's limp form draped over his shoulder. The material from her cloak ensured that he couldn't detect anything from her.
They ran for twenty minutes before Kirk finally slowed. At the human's stumble, anger surged through Spock. Kirk had probably gone and done something stupid that had landed them in this mess. They weren't supposed to interfere with the natives!
"Did we lose them?" said Captain wheezed from behind the Vulcan, clutching his stomach painfully.
"I believe so," Spock replied evenly, barely affected by the running. "We have not received any indication that they may be following us."
"Then let's… take a break." They slowed to a shaky halt and Kirk collapsed on a rock, shaded by a huge tree. Spock gently lowered Uhura's cloaked body onto the rocky ground and touched her wrists, noting how her body was still in shock. "How's… she doing?" Kirk gasped squeakily.
"She is still experiencing shock, though I removed the weapon twenty minutes and forty-eight seconds ago."
"You mean… we were running for twenty minutes?"
"Indeed. They were most persistent. I am unsure how we were able to maintain such a speed for twenty minutes without the atmospheric conditions affecting us."
Kirk waved a hand dismissively. "Remind me to tell Bones that he needs to bump up my physical date. It'll make me want to exercise more." He collapsed.
Spock marched over to the blonde and did his best to look intimidating. "Why were you being chased?"
Kirk winced on the ground. "I got bored. I decided to do some snooping so… I went into their camp. It turns out that they've got this shrine thing in the middle of the camp that we couldn't see. They… uh… well they walked through it really carefully so I tried to do the same and… I stepped on a leaf."
"You stepped on a leaf," Spock repeated in disbelief.
"Yes. I stepped on a leaf and they started chasing me and screaming. They tried to shoot me with these darts!"
Spock switched his gaze to Uhura. "We are stationary. I will contact the Enterprise and request beaming."
o.O.o
"Honestly," Zia laughed, "how did he manage to get into the camp unnoticed? You said there were heaps of natives."
"I am unsure." Spock glanced across the stark-white Infirmary to where Kirk and Uhura lay on neighbouring beds. Uhura was still unconscious, but McCoy had assured them that she'd been injected with a 'knock-out' chemical and it wasn't fatal. She'd be back on her feet in a day or so. Kirk had to stay in until Uhura was free to go, as it was his fault that she had been hit. McCoy had given no say in the matter.
"We should get going," Zia smiled. "You don't want to catch Kirk's curse."
He remembered something amusing about their situation on the planet. "As you know, the atmosphere contained high levels of helium. Our voices were higher in pitch than usual." At his words, she giggled. "Lieutenant Uhura recorded Captain Kirk's voice under the influence of the helium. When she wakes, her recording shall become viral around the ship."
Zia laughed and Spock stood from his bio bed, catching McCoy's eye. The grumpy doctor nodded begrudgingly and the two Vulcans left the Infirmary eagerly. "I'm just glad that you're okay. Getting chased by angry aliens is never fun."
"Do you speak from experience?"
"Sort of… I was chased by humans and they're alien to me." She tilted her head as they entered a Turbolift. "Would you like to eat before returning to the Bridge? You need your strength after that run."
He nodded, seeing the sense in her statement. "Food is wise." He typed in the level of the Mess Hall and they exited, walking close together. They could hear the voices and clinking of cutlery from two corridors away.
Zia tapped his arm. "Do you think McCoy should ban Kirk from going planet side? Everything bad seems to happen when Kirk's there."
"That is impossible," Spock replied reluctantly. "Captain Kirk would never overlook the possibility of an adventure."