** For authors notes, disclaimer etc. see chapter 1
Voyage of rediscovery 2/?
"Morning." I've just woken up to find James Hathaway staring at me as I slept and again I'm waiting for the guilt, the panic, the regret but it's not coming instead all I can focus on his the way he's looking at me.
"You should have woken me I couldn't tell you the last time I slept this late." It's gone eleven in the morning and even on a Saturday I never sleep past eight normally but to say he did a good job of exhausting me last night would be an understatement. Even now the feel of his naked flesh so close to mine is making my heart race as he smiles at me.
"I didn't want to wake you. You're stunning when you sleep almost as stunning as you are awake." Oh god I could very quickly become addicted to the way he makes me feel. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel so desired. Even when things were better between us sex with my husband had become routine. It was ok we both enjoyed it but I never felt wanted afterward. I never felt like he was making love to me, it was almost like I could have been anyone. This feels so different though when he looks at me, when he made love to me last night every second of that time felt like he only wanted me, like I was a necessary to his survival at that moment as the air he was breathing.
"I'm sure I look like hell right now I've never been much of a morning person it takes me at least an hour most mornings just to pull myself together enough to come into work." It's true but he's shaking his head firmly and there it is again. The racing heart, the butterflies in my stomach god anyone would think I was a teenager instead of a woman of…..well a woman in her 40s.
"You look like someone who spent most of the previous evening making love and forgive me for being smug but the fact that you're glowing this morning because of spending the night with me is enough to make you unbelievably beautiful in my eyes." Now his hands are roaming my body again, gently kneading my breasts as I try to form a sentence and tell him that last night was amazing and I can't wait until we can do it all over again. "You know in all the times I imagined making love to you it didn't come close to how amazing it actually is. In all the times I'd imagined what you'd look like out of those snappy suits and fitted dresses you were for work I didn't even get close to how perfect you actually are."
"James is that all true? Not the compliments the bit about imagining being with me? I mean you've got me this far you don't have to keep up the pretence if…." His lips have collided with mine silencing me completely and the logical side of me, the side of me that is still finding it hard to accept that he could have wanted me from afar for any length of time is standing her ground determined not to allow me to let go again until he answers me.
"Ok, look what do I have to do to convince you?" I can tell he's a little frustrated but if he meant what he said last night and he wants this to be a regular thing he's going to have to get used to the fact I can be a little frustrating at times! "Jean I've wanted you almost since the moment I first laid eyes on you, why are you having so much trouble believing that? What exactly has he done to you and your opinion of yourself? I can tell you for nothing that I know at least three others off the top of my head who have serious school boy crushes on you and I'm pretty sure you could snap your fingers and have a dozen guys in the station lining up outside your office door more than willing to help you re-evaluate your opinion of yourself! Of course it's all true if I told you the number of times I've lain alone in this bed thinking about you you'd laugh or leave very quickly because it would all seem too much like stalking of some sort!"
"I had no idea, I mean even setting aside your complete exaggeration about the other men at work I….."
"It's not an exaggeration you could have any of them you wanted but don't dare try out my theory because I'm a jealous man. I have no choice but to share you with him but that's going to be hard enough without suddenly having to worry about them leering after you I'd definitely be extremely jealous." Jealous? James Hathaway station dark and brooding heart throb, yes two can play at the gossip game, would be jealous of someone else being interested in me? Now I know I've slipped into a parallel universe.
"Anyway…" We'll deal with the issue of jealousy later for now I need to say what I have to. "Anyway as I said or was trying to say I had no idea that you were….you know…..anyway why didn't you say something?"
I can't believe I'm falling over my words and sounding like a complete idiot. I hope that won't become a regular occurrence around him or it won't take long for anyone to work out something's changed.
"Why do you think?" Ok maybe that wasn't the most sensible question. "How exactly do you see that conversation going? Excuse me Ma'am I know you're married and everything but I'm sort of falling for you and I'm definitely attracted to you so how about it?"
"James now you're be facetious I realise it wasn't that sort of situation I'm just trying to work out how I never saw it. I used to think I was pretty good at picking up on those sorts of things. I'd certainly given up long ago on the idea of secret admirers. I've been with the same man for nearly 25 years he knows every inch of my body and it's so long since he was that interested in me it's ridiculous so why would anyone else be? I know that sounds self-pitying but I promise it's not what I'm saying I'd not spent that much time dwelling on it but it's the way it was and I'd accepted it." I wish he wouldn't laugh I'm trying to make him understand and try to understand myself and he's not helping. Maybe attempting to have this conversation while he's this close and without even a coffee to clear my head wasn't the best idea I've ever had.
"Yeah well no offence or anything but you're married to an idiot, actually idiot is being kind to him! Why he'd ever want to look elsewhere when he had you is a mystery to me. Like I said what he's done to you and how he's made you feel about yourself should be criminal I'd certainly have no reservations about locking him up for it!" He's pulled me closer so my body is almost blanketing his as he runs his fingers up and down my back and my eyes slip shut my body coming alive again as I kiss him no longer wanting to talk just wanting to feel how much he wants me.
Last night he was completely in control and I took great pleasure in letting him but right now I'm hungry to show him, and myself, that I haven't lost the ability to focus on pleasing him and succeed in doing so. Straddling his hips my lips make their way over his neck the faint smell of cigarette smoke, mixed with the residual salty sweat from last night and the hint of aftershave left from yesterday is a heady mix, it's the smell and the taste of raw manliness and I'm being intoxicated by it.
"Oh god Jean stop or this will be over be before it's got started." I've come to rest between his legs taking his length in my mouth as my hands stroke his thighs and I have no intention of stopping just the opposite in fact. Right now I want nothing more than to feel him explode in my mouth, to hear him completely give up to me like I did to him so often last night. Running my teeth gently over him as I pull off his length then soothing it as I take all of him back into my mouth it's not long before his protests stop and instead the room is filled with low groans and he involuntarily thrusts toward me. I've always loved the sense of power and control doing this particular thing gives me but never before have I been so lost in the need to take it to its natural conclusion. I want to rediscover all those parts of myself, the desires, the needs, the physical preferences that I've quashed for so long. As he finally has no choice but to give up the salty warm manifestation of that surrender slipping easily down my throat it feels fantastic. "That was amazing."
He's staring at me now in some sort of lustful awe that brings a surge of satisfaction as he flips me back onto the bed kissing me hungrily.
"Yeah well there's something to be said for age and experience James." It's my turn to laugh as he raises a questioning eyebrow at me and I play with the short hairs at the nape of his neck. "It may have been a while since…well since I used many of…..anyway you know what I mean but I'm pretty sure it's all coming back to me."
"I can see that, you're amazing you know never forget it, now I think maybe I should make us some breakfast then I'll have to see about showing you exactly what other tricks I have in my repertoire."
"I'll have to go home after breakfast James, much as I'd love to spend the day here with you I don't have so much as a hair brush or anything with me and suspicions might be raised if there's a message on the landline, which there will be, and I don't leave and equally curt reply on his voice mail." We're sitting at the small table in his kitchen, me in one of his oversized shirts and him in cotton pyjama bottoms that fall loosely around his hips in what I have to say is a very sexy way. I could easily say to hell with it and just stay here until tomorrow afternoon getting lost in him but I need to be practical. I need to break the spell that's been cast over this small flat and see if once it's broken he still feels the same or if he's caught up in the moment and once I'm gone and the bubble bursts everything will change again.
"When's he due back? I mean I assume he's with….I assume he's not at home since you didn't have to explain your absence last night,"
"I don't know but it's like every other weekend lately not until late tomorrow night if he comes home at all before Monday morning. Wherever he is he never seems to have the problem of not having what he needs to leave for the office from there but then again he's had a lot more practice than me." There's no bitter edge to my words that is normally dripping from them when I talk about his expertise in adultery. Maybe it's because I know it would be hypocritical now or maybe because it's impossible to feel so vitriolic toward him when I feel the way I do right now and have done at the hands of another man since last night.
"Can I see you tonight? I'll understand if you want some space or if you're having second thoughts or whatever and don't want to see me again so soon but….well I'd…" Damn he's adorable when he's tongue tied and he wants to see me again when I haven't even left yet that's got to be a good sign.
"James I don't think I'm going to have second thoughts and if you're sure you don't need a day or two to decide if you really want the complications of us having a relationship then yeah you can see me tonight."
"I don't care about complications I've told you that already. Do you think it would be possible for me to take you to dinner without it causing gossip?" Ah interesting question it's not unheard of for us to socialise together so I'm pretty sure no one would find it unusual enough to care but I think I want to do something different.
"You probably could take me to dinner but I'd rather cook, would you find it too weird to come to my place? If you would it's fine I could come here and cook and…" He's swallowed the end of my sentence with a kiss as I melt into his arms again and I know I have to drag myself away from here or I'll never leave.
"I don't care where we go or what we do so long as I can see you so if you want me to come to you consider it done."
"Great about seven then? That'll give me time to shop." I've finally extracted myself from his arms and am heading for the bedroom to try to locate my clothes and there's a storm of butterflies kicking off in my stomach as I pause at the door and glance back at him. "And James….."
"Yeah?"
"Don't forget your tooth brush and if you wanted to bring those pyjama bottoms I'd definitely now complain."