Chapter Two
Thoughts Revealed
Day 70: Morning
The gun roared and Nathan McHugh fell to the deck. With Eric McGorrill desperately trying to pull the pistol from Nathan's hand. He had succeeded in pulling the gun from Nathan's head by a fraction of a second and judging from the blood flowing freely from his head, it had been as close a call as possible. Mel dove to pull Lex out of the danger zone as Jackson vaulted onto the main body of the boat to help Eric. Daley waded into the fray as well.
His suicidal urge seemed to have given the already strong Nathan nearly superhuman power. He had actually managed to turn the gun in towards himself again when Jackson stopped him the only way he could. His left arm flashed though the air as he hit Nathan's stomach with every ounce of strength he possessed. The air whooshed from him at the impact and his grip weakened enough for Eric to pry the weapon from him. He rolled away as Jackson held Nathan down, shouting at him the whole time.
"No! Damn it Nate, that's not the way!"
" Please! Please stop this Nathan!" Daley begged, tears on her face as she held onto Nathan's arm in desperation. " I love you! I won't let you do this."
" If you love me, let me go!, " he demanded , tears on his own mahogany face, which was distorted by his wretched despair. " I can't go on like this any longer. I keep seeing it happen, over and over. Every time I close my eyes I feel that man, touching me, making me actually want him to do it! Begging for him to do it and , " he gulped in air, "and I wanted to do the same things to you that he was doing to me!" the admission seemed to physically break him. He went completely limp. He looked up into the sky as Jackson and Daley relaxed their grip slightly, a forlorn, hopeless look on his face, no marred by the blood coming from the painful graze on the side of his head.
He sat up and put his head between his legs as they released him. He sat there crying, his shoulders shaking. Daley knelt beside him, her arms wrapping around him as comforted the young man she had pledged he love to. She gave Jackson a look, indicating she wanted to be alone with the injured teen . After Jackson stepped up to the front of the boat, she spoke gently to Nathan.
" You're being so hard on yourself for something you didn't have a choice in. You know what Mel and I had to do was just as bad."
" I never said it wasn't, " he mumbled, head still down, some asperity showing, " but, when two girls to something like that, it can be beautiful, if it's of their on free will. When two guys do it, it's just so wrong. Especially when I never even thought about wanting to do something like that in my whole fucking life!" He raised his head up, a look of fury on it. " And the worst is, the Perversion made me want it so bad it hurt. It physically hurt to fight the impulse. And it made me want to do it to you, to share it with you. And even Mel! And I am supposed to be in love with you!' he said plaintively.
" You're not thinking right Nathan. And you're not exactly being fair. To yourself, or to me, Mel, or Eric and Jackson." she said in a reasonable voice as she took off her bandanna and began to try to staunch the not inconsiderable blood flow. " None of us asked to have the Subversion or Perversion used on us. And I'm not mad at Mel and I don't think she's mad at me. We did what we had to do to survive."
A strong streak of honesty broke past Nathan's bitter self pity long enough to force him to admit, " You have a point. I've just been raised to know that being gay or bisexual is wrong. I tried not to let that make me treat people like that badly or like they weren't basically decent people, but it's just wrong! Look at the Russell's or the other pirates. Or even Mark and his Grandad. Any type of deviancy leads to sin . That's just how I was brought up, you know that! And now, I'm a deviant too! I just want to go back to being like I was and I can't . I can't get past it; I don't know how! And even though Jackson and Eric are my friends, just knowing they care about one another like that makes part of me want to lump them in with slime like Dingo and the Russell's and I know it's wrong, but I just can't stop. And most of all, I HATE being so damn mad , all of the time." He broke off as Daley's ministrations continued.
Mel spoke to him, trying to be reassuring, but his judgmental attitude was making it more difficult than it should be, " Nathan, you've been hurt. Physically and emotionally. What happened to you, Daley, me, Eric, Cody, it shouldn't happen to anyone. Ever. But you can't let it turn you against people you because of their sexuality. How would you like it if someone tried to lump you into a group just because you're biracial?"
" I'd be pissed off. I get what you're trying to say Mel, I really do, " he replied, sounding exhausted, "but like I said, that's part of the problem. I know I'm not being fair, but I can't help it. I , I just don't know what to do!
I want to hurt someone for what happened to me. Not just for the sex part, but for making me all fucked up like this!"
Jackson broke in from his vantage point at the prow, " I know exactly hat you mean on that part Nathan. And that's why I tried to kill myself twice after the fight with Captain Russell. Not because of what happened with Mel, Eric and me. Not just because of being raped by him. But because what happened change part of me forever. I became a killer because of it. It didn't matter that it was in self defense." he had a wistful expression on is face as he spoke for the first time about that to the group at large.
" And that's why I scarred my arms, " he indicated the half dozen long, thin scars on his forearms, pale against the tanned skin, " because I felt like I wasn't good enough to live."
Nathan nodded in understanding as Daley bandaged his head. " I get that. It's how I feel about Dingo and Doctor Watson. What happened changed me. Forever. And I hate the thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life, and I don't feel like I should be alive, feeling nothing but hate."
" I felt like that too, " Jackson said, propping a knee on the side of the boat, "But when Mel and Eric kept on loving me and all of you made sure I wasn't left all alone even though it was what I wanted more than anything, I had to decide to go on or not. And it hasn't always been easy."
He put his elbow on his propped up knee, looking out at the waves while he spoke about something for the first time, " Even before this latest shit, they came to me almost every night. Dreams about Abby, Jory and Ian. Especially Abby. They ask me why I didn't save them. They tell me that I failed as the leader. That I enjoyed what Russell did. That I don't deserve Mel or Eric or even to live. That I should be dead instead of them."
Nathan was silent as he looked at Jackson. Mel put a gentle hand on Jackson's shoulder as Eric walked over to them and put his own hands on Jackson's back. Taylor was openly weeping.
" I know it's all in my own head, the guilt. I know in my mind that I did everything I could to help. That all I could've done was gotten us all killed for nothing if I had done anything differently. And I knew even then, when I was hurting myself that Mel and Eric loved me . That you, Daley, Lex and Taylor were my friends. That you would all have helped me if I had just asked. But the guilt kept it in until it as almost too late. If it hadn't been for Mel and Eric, I'd have killed myself. And I still get those thoughts sometimes."
" Sometimes, like just the night before last, the ghosts of Ian, Jory and Abby still come in the night and when they do, I wish with all my heart and soul I had died instead of them. But I didn't. Don't hate yourself for not being able to heal just yet Nathan. It takes time . And love. I know you aren't a bad guy and it's ok that you don't really get mine, Mel and Eric's relationship. Just remember that we do care. And that we love you" he gently pulled away from Mel and Eric and went over to Nathan.
He helped him up, with an assist by Daley.
He hugged his friend tight. And felt the arms of the others circling tight around them both. And in the center of it, Nathan finally realized that, like the song Jackson had once sang for them, he would not stand alone.