Disclaimer: This chapter can be disturbing, to some. As you imagine, this is a brief and one of the only encounters where we really see Ella, her addiction and it's effect on her and her son. This was a hard write as I have had my own experiences with family members who were addicts themselves. Since this can be highly personal, I want to let any reader out there who may be effected by these circumstances that my inbox is always open. One love!
Ella:
Her arms were itchy, in fact, all of her was itchy. She glanced at herself in the mirror -
You're so ugly, you're so ugly She thought, wickedly and sadly, to herself and hurriedly tried to make herself prettier. She put on some lipstick, she didn't want Greg to be angry. To have him call her ugly.
But you are the voice came again. The fucking itching. She was withdrawing, the symptoms clear and bleak and they could only mean one thing.
The bad man was coming back. Christian knew this, whenever mommy looked scared and itchy and asked him if she was pretty...He knew, even at the meek and tender age of four, he knew.
"Christian!" She called and he peeked up at her "Am I ugly?" There are tears in her eyes and she walks to him in quick strides, bends down and looks him in his eyes "Tell your mommy the truth, Christian. Aren't I ugly?"
Christian swallows "No, No Mommy you are so pretty"
This does not appease her and she gets up and crosses her arms, looking down begrudgingly on the child. Her child.
Ella rolls her eyes but then sits down, not facing him "Braid my hair" her voice softer now, one of the only things the child did that pleased her, was when he braided her hair. Otherwise, he asked too many questions and was scared too often. He needed too much of everything. Food, love, her. It was so tiring she sometimes wanted to die.
"Okay Mommy" he sits up, getting closer to her and separates her thick, long brown hair into three big pieces and begins to braid it, just like she taught him. When he nears the ending, she can feel it and hands the boy her tie. He does this, gingerly. Happy, this is how helps.
"Good boy" She says as she turns to him and smiles. He loves her smile. She reaches out and shakes her fingers in his hair, softly.
Suddenly there are two loud bangs on the door and Christian jumps up, wide eyed and fearful as Ella scurries, barefoot over the green carpet to open the door in haste.
It's Greg, with the promise to stop the itching. He looks at her, displeased already.
"What the fuck is he doing here all the fucking time?" He juts his chin out to Christian, whose already shaking.
"I- I have nowhere to leave him" She pleas "I'm sorry, he won't talk"
She glances uneasily to the boy and her face is not reassuring but something else...Needy, she looks frantic Stay quiet it says and so he obliges, knowing what it meant if he didn't. Knowing it meant mommy was to get hurt and so would he.
"Well" His voice changes, disturbing ideas reach his mind. If she wanted him here so bad...The little bitch would have to watch. "Now he can enjoy the view"
Greg reaches for her and slams her hard into the couch, she grunts, her arms and legs flying above her, as her neck and head smash onto the arm rest. She cries out in pain.
"Mommy!" Christian scurries nearer. Breaking the rule and Greg is only too happy for it.
"Thought you said he wasn't going to talk." He pulls her off the couch by her hair, forcing her to sit and pulls back, so she's on her knees, and facing the boy. "Tell your son you're a lying whore"
She cries, she doesn't want to say it, but he's right...he's right. It took a second to long and he kicks her in her back, while still grabbing a tight hold on her hair, causing her to bend, unnaturally and she screams out, again in pain.
"I'm a lying whore!" Ella whimpers at her son but does not meet his eyes.
"Look at him, say his name" Greg's voice is surprisingly neutral. This is fun. He shakes her a bit, still ripping at her hair
"Christian, I'm a lying whore" She mutters in defeat, staring at her sons frightened and confused gray eyes. They are such pretty eyes, she notes.
Greg throws her aside "Good" and walks right to Christian, Ella does not make a move to stop him, she can only bawl herself up, still looking at him. Those are pretty eyes, she notes again.
He grabs the boy by his shirt and drags him into the nearest room and tosses him in there. Forcing him onto the ground, hard. It hurts the boy and he does not like that he can't see his mommy.
"Don't open this fucking door, you little shit" He grimaces in disgust and annoyance "Or i'll fuck your little mom so hard she bleeds" The boy does not fully understand this but knows it is bad. Very bad. He should listen. Bleeding, he's made the poor boy bleed before. When he knocked him into the sink and made him hit his head.
The man closes the door and Christian pulls his knees up to his chest. Silence, he's so afraid to hear but so afraid not to either.
Suddenly, the familiar racket. He does not understand the grunts and moans, they are loud and make him worry. There is soft whimpering as Ella takes the brutal beating and the brutal sex and shame.
"You like it don't you, whore." He mocks her emphasis on the word and there are more whimpers and Christian crawls to the door, he wants to open it, he wants to go get his mommy and take her away.
"Say it you disgusting bitch" Christian could hear more beating and she cries "Ye-es!"
Sobs and more beating. Christian covers his hears and starts to hum. He too feels his body racking with sobs.
After a long while, he hears the door shut, loudly. He waits longer, not wanting to disobey and get hurt...Get his mommy hurt. Hours pass, his tummy grumbles and his eyes are groggy.
He carefully twists the knob with both hands and peeks out. No one is there.
"Mommy?" Christian cries out. Nothing, he is met with a draining silence.
As time continues, pacing like a pulse. He waits and waits. Thumps, - the time goes in thumps and it's as if he can count them but their are too many to count and he does not know that many thumps.
Suddenly, the door rattles open and she walks in to see Christian, still so wide-eyed and on the couch.
"Mommy!"
"He-ey little guy" Her voice is unnaturally loud, and off key "What are you still doing up" She laughs a little crazy and he is more frightened now.
"Mommy?"
She grunts her eyes wide and wired "What? why are you whiny, Christian?"
She begins dotting around the room, quite quickly, rubbing at her arm, sniffing, rubbing her eyes, somewhat cleaning things as she goes by "Go clean up, you're filthy then you can go to bed, its late and I need to do stuff. Always stuff to do, no time. why are you staring at me, Christian? Go!" She anxiously runs her fingers through her, now, un-braided hair...
Once, twice and then she stares blankly at him "Oh, Jesus. I swear you are the neediest thing I've ever seen"
"Are you okay, mommy?" His voice is very low, why is she angry with him? He does not like it, he feels the contempt and wants to cry.
"Oh I' am so good Christian" She smiles her eyes faltering "Mommy feels ju-uust fine" She laughs, hysterical again, and whisks him up into the air and he smiles besides the fear.
"Now Christian is going to bed, because mommy needs time to herself" She takes him off into the direction of the one bed they share. Sometimes the bed has funny stains and mommy says its too dirty and so he sleeps on the couch. But today, he sleeps on the bed.
Days later:
Christian is eating some cereal from a box, his little hands barley able to grip it and eat it at the same time. Mommy is very sad and stays in bed and stays and stays. He's gone to play with her hair and rub her face but she only cries. Now, he leaves some cereal by her head but she only looks at him through glazed and distant eyes and shoves them off the bed
"No" she says and Christian is fraught with her rejection. "Go away" she wails.
The aluminum pipe she smokes from is empty. She's out again. She hates those words and she fears them "Out" and again she is.
Christian is marred by her words and his eyes quickly begin producing tears. He whimpers, softly before leaving her as he's asked.
What pretty eyes, she thought, as she watched him go.
Later she finds it in her to rise and move. She can call Greg, yes, that's what she'll do. He will make her happy and energetic once more. Or he will have the magic which can. Ella rarely sees the fine line now, they have blended. The crack and Greg, becoming one another.
As she stands from bed to take a step, she slips on the cereal Christian had offered, using the table beside her to balance. An ash tray falls over and cracks to pieces, it creates a still silence and the woman yells.
"Christian! Why did you leave these here? What are you trying to do? Why? Why? Why are you messing things up all the time?" She stalks angrily towards him, till she's hovering down, staring.
He had been sitting at the edge of her bed playing with his little cars and now he's frightened by her words, guilt splashing through him and soaking him to the core
"WHY?" She yells more forcefully, and reaches down to shake him by his arms, and it only rendered him to pee himself and she noticed with raging anger.
"You do it on purpose!" She grabs his arm and shoves him into the bathroom and begins undressing him.
"Clean yourself" She barks and leaves him there to shiver and pant, alone.
She returns with new clothes and places them on the toilet "Christian, please, stop doing such things" and she closes the door again.
He does not mean to, he swears he does not and she can hear him through the door. The sound in her sons voice should be heartbreaking but she only wants to gain some relief and it is not here with her son. It is with Greg.
The boy sniffs "I don't mean to" He whimpers again but Ella has left and he can hear her on the phone now. It was grown up stuff and he did not understand. What he did know was this meant, again, the bad man would come.
Later:
Christian was all cleaned up and had resumed playing with his cars. Making them race and doing theatrical noises with his mouth. Ella glanced over from the bed and nudged him with her toes
"You are so silly" She laughed and he knew mommy forgave him and he smiled.
He took the cars and now made them race on the bed and Ella watched a tad bemused and rolled her eyes.
Then - "Bam! Bam!" the forceful jabs on the door and Christian knew it was over. The smile on his faced dropped and he stopped making cartoon noises. Ella jumped up, stepping on the shards of the broken ashtray and howled in pain.
"Fuck" She cursed and the door was banged on again
"Open it" She said while cradling her foot, taking out the small piece of glass. Not bad. She quickly slid the remainder of the mess under the bed and then eyed Christian wearily as he stayed still.
Christian shook his head at her and she raised her eyebrows in disbelief. More loud bangs. Greg is angry now. She wobbles over to the door but not before sending a shooting gaze to her son. It mustered up so much dislike he was starting to cry, again.
"What took you so long, you fucking bitch?" He slaps her hard before closing the door.
"See?" She mouthed to Christian and the guilt twists his tummy up in so many knots it threatens to pull on his gag reflex and make him vomit up the cereal he's been eating the passed two days.
"I'm so fucking sick of you" Greg slaps her again and again and Christian wants to run to the bathroom and lock the door like he sometimes did. So no one could get in and eventually mommy would knock, very soft and say she had to use the bathroom. Only then, would he twist the little mechanism on the handle which allowed her inside.
"Go" She says and he complies going to the nearest room with a door, into the closet and he closes it, trembling. The familiar story hashes out. The cries and the grunts and again Christian closes his ears are starts to hum. His body rocking, trying to grip with the strong sense of fear and what seems like an eternity later, Ella opens the closet. She is naked and she reaches for her robe.
"Christian?" She says, she had forgotten he was there. He crawls out and the man is still on the bed, he is smoking and watching television.
The man laughs when he takes in Christian's expression. Puffy eyes and red cheeks. Ella heaves him from the floor and turns back to the bad man who is now looking around angrily.
"Where's the ashtray" His voice like venom, Christian knows what happened, he is afraid now.
The man gets up and walks directly towards Ella, he hits her so hard she falls to the ground with a loud gasp and bangs her head against the floor on the way down. "Answer when I fucking ask or -" before he finishes he smiles, it's a very evil smile.
He grabs Christian and holds him down and Christian is all arms and legs, thrashing and crying
"This looks like an ashtray to me" He digs the cigarette through the shirt, letting it simmer to meet skin "the closest thing you've got anyway"
Ella can barley hear him over the screams the boy makes. He screams so loud...so loud and Ella remains on the ground, struck, she does not want to look and the screams only rage on...
I'm sorry she says in her mind. I'm sorry for that boy with the pretty eyes.
Four years later:
Christian rolls his eyes. He agreed to play hide and seek with Mia but she couldn't stifle her giggles. She could see his feet from underneath the table and tried harder to be silent. But he could obviously still hear her, out of love, he walked passed, pretending to be dubious.
He had explained the first time that the entire point was to be quiet when she hid, but she only made a funny face and grabbed his cheek. It became her motto of affection. He liked it, it pleased him that he was her favorite. It was clear, it was Christian she wanted to play with most, Christian she wanted to read her bedtime stories, when she fell and hit her knee on the staircase, it was Christian she went to with her tears and he had kissed it and made it all better.
"Boo!" Mia crawled out, utterly pleased with herself, as she saw his feet stalk by and not even think to check there. She giggled and clapped her hands and Christian swooped her up and smiled at his foolhardy little sister. Her head against his chest, she was still laughing.
"You win" He nods his head at her and she smiles, widely and her eyes sparkling and bright, as always, she put her dangling feet to the ground and ran to the counting sofa.
"One...two" She started screaming, not able to contain her joy at such a trivial thing as hide and seek and to Christian, it was refreshing enough to hinder his old reasons for hiding in closets and under tables. With her, everything was too light and airy and carefree.
He smiled as he hid behind a curtain, dutifully leaving his feet exposed.
Five years later:
Christian's lip was busted open. It felt good. A strange release was found, in beating the boy in his class. In beating the shit out of anyone, really.
Honestly, Christian didn't even remember what the boy had said. Some smart-ass remark. It was enough, it was all he needed. He grabbed the boy and shoved him against the nearest wall, banging his head with force, beating his stomach, his ribs, his face.
"What the the fuck!" The boy yelled, scared. He had never been hit before and with his eyes shut, he hit back, missing most of the time. But one, good and hard jab met the other boys lip and knocked his head back.
School security narrowly met their obligation to break up the fighting boys. Garcia was the mans name who pulled Christian away, and he was not paid enough for this shit, as he would often mumble to himself.
Christian had quickly shook the older mans touch, like he had met fire and said so softly "Don't touch me" in such a tight, gripped manner, Garcia swallowed. The voice was too cool, it was disturbing.
"Take it easy, kid" Garcia reasoned. Suddenly, uncomfortable around this fourteen year old, who was seemingly demonic to the superstitious man.
"I gotta take you the Principle's office, ya know that. Just, lead the way. I'm sure you know it" The security cleared his throat, while the boy glared at him. Defiant and cruel.
"Fuck off" was his response and he was about to turn away, when the Principle arrived there, herself. Mrs, Don
She had long, brown hair and green eyes. She was very pretty and she crossed her arms across her chest as she eyed Christian.
Christian liked the way she looked at him, eyes narrowed and lips pursed. Slowly, she raised her hand and motioned him to follow. She turned her back and went straight for her office. Not bothering to make sure he followed.
He did, however, thinking some dirty things on the way, and upon entering she spoke "Close the door and sit down, Christian"
Once he was sitting, she eyed him with benevolence. "Your mother is on her way"
"My mother is dead" Christian said this as a matter of fact. No anger, no sadness.
"Christian!" She gasped, down right shocked. "I-"
She stopped, embarrassed. What could she say? Mrs, Don came from a happy, stable home. Both her parents were still alive, still married and they had dinner every weekend. How could she console what seemed so...inconsolable? Here, she had no experience, no words to give and she pressed her lips together in a hard line. She was at a loss, and they both knew it.
"I'm sorry" she said, sadly, correcting herself "Grace is on her way"
"Sorry for what?" Christian's eyes heated at her pity. He wanted to slap the girl. How dare she?
Mrs, Dons eyes widened. How could a boy so much younger, know how to make her feel so...uneasy?
"I'm sorry..." she racked her mind..That you're so fucked up? Your mom is dead? Your clearly upset and hurt and confused?
"That I'm going to have to expel you, Christian"
This was true. She had not wanted to make this choice, but he had fought too much, his grades were poor, his teachers and peers against him. There was no argument on her side for keeping the boy.
Christian raised his eyebrows at her but said nothing. He felt nothing. It didn't matter. Destroying everything, fucking leaving it for dead. He didn't give a shit. Fuck this little bitch, fuck the kids, fuck the fucking school.
The door jumbled open and Grace let herself in, her eyes were busy on Christian, taking in his appearance. His cut lip, the bruising jaw.
"Are you alright?" She asked. Christian hated her at this moment, why did she care? Why was her voice so full of fucking love? He gritted his teeth. This angel was too much for him. He did not want her love, her forgiveness. He wanted nothing to keep him from his hate and anger.
"Yes" He said, exasperated by her probing eyes and looked away, the anger leveling.
In Grace's car - The ride home:
"Do you want to talk about it?" Grace was nervous but did not show it. She wanted to be on his side, she wanted so badly to protect this little boy. The same sweet, little boy she had met in that hospital room. Still so scared he was, still so confused. Still so distant.
"No" His voice like a whip, cracking the air and making her twitch.
"You know I'm always here for you. I'm your mom, i'll always be on your-"
"No your not" Christian interrupted and immediately regretted it. Grace looked at him with wide-eyes, filled with such hurt and such pain. For some sick reason, Christian enjoyed it. He wanted her to hate him. She was the only true mom he ever knew, and for that, he wanted and believed whole heartedly that he deserved her hate
"Well-" her voice, choked, her eyes back on the winding road home "I think of you as my son and you don't have to love me. I love you"
Christian wanted to scream and rip out his hair. Why? Why? WHY THE FUCK?
When they got inside Grace had offered him some repair to his wounds, when he denied her, she turned her back on him and walked up the stairs and shut the door to her room. When Christian had stalked by it to head to his own room, he could hear her sobs through the door.
See what you do to everyone? See how you break everything? His voice was harshest in his head, directed towards himself. Yes, yes I did it on purpose.
He'd drive them all away, one day. He'd fuck it all up, make it all crumble. His reality must be as his mind. Dark, lonely, so fucking angry.
Then, there was a shy but distinct knock on the door and Mia stuck her head in.
"What is it?" Christian asked. His voice evening out.
The small girl stepped inside and from behind her back brought out a first aid kit
"Not now, Mia"
"Yes now" Still as demanding as when she was an infant on the couch, meeting Christian for the first time "I have Cello lessons and you are such a pig-head you know?"
"Yes...I know" Christian smiled at her, the little, sweet and lovely brat.
She opened the case and took out a disinfecting cloth, then strode over, carelessly to the boy and grabbed his chin. Rubbing the cloth on his lip and the smaller cut by his eye. She was not delicate, but not harsh either.
"You make mom so sad" She stated "I heard her. She told dad you said she wasn't your mom and she thinks you hate her. But you don't. But you pretend"
Mia was an insightful child or she just knew her big brother well. He could not tell, but he admired her stature, the way she spoke her mind without any blockade, how she was not sorry for him. Not that he could tell.
She continued, as she applied Neosporin. "Remember when I broke your airplane thing a year ago? You were mad at me" She giggles and it sounded sweet. He had scolded her for not being careful and she started to cry. But then he hugged her to his chest and said it was okay.
Christian smiled his small, small smile at the memory. It was both sad and happy for some reason.
"I said I was sorry and so did you and we both felt better. Maybe you should do the same with mom, cause you know, you sort of broke something of hers."
"Okay" Christian said after a long while "Just because you are such a whiny pain!" he tagged along just to be a pig-head.
She stuck her tongue out and smacked him in the chest. Then grabbed his cheek, lovingly like always, but this time it hurt because she chose the side the boy had roughed up. Christian did not stop her though.
"I love you" she said, before skipping out and closing the door behind her.