Sometimes, she wanted to scream. It would be futile, because the goal of screaming would be to reduce stress – but the sound of the commanding officer shrieking like a banshee in her cabin would get every crewman on deck 2 running right to her door. So, instead, she lay with her head covered by her pillow and tried to breathe. It was the start of the 3rd watch, 4 May 2183.

Virmire had been … hard. She knew she'd made the right call, but it was weighing on her fiercely. She'd left Alenko to die, because she needed to make sure that bomb went off. That meant returning to cover Williams. Logically. Nevermind that she'd been captivated by Ash's hips on Eden Prime, that she found herself bringing her along in places where she could have used someone else. Ignore that nagging whisper that said she left Alenko to burn because she wanted to tumble Williams into the sack. Pretend she didn't love the grateful look in Ash's eyes when she came back through the gates. Forget that she cut off her comm before she had to hear Kaidan gurgle out his last.

She stood and stretched, feeling the ache of too much stress, too little shore leave. She'd been chasing Saren for what, two months? It felt like she'd been cooped up on this ship forever. She sighed again and pulled on her uniform jacket. If she wasn't going to sleep, the least she could do was make the rounds, make sure her crew was holding up okay.

She had a pattern, and the running joke was that she was so predictable that you could set your watch by her rounds. Start in the cockpit, and trade quips with joker – 3 minutes. Move aft, and check up on Pressly. Remind him that the aliens onboard were pulling more than their fair share, then invite him to join her for poker night – 5 minutes. Down onto deck 2 and straight into the med-bay for "vitamins" with Dr. Chakwas. These vitamins were delicious and expensive at 275 creds a bottle, but the doctor only bought the best for the troops; 18 minutes trading war stories. Back into the research room to confer with the Asari – 6 minutes. At 32 minutes past the hour, precisely, she'd be waiting for the elevator to head down to the lower deck. 8 minutes to talk with Wrex, trading barbs and practicing her headbutt; 5 minutes with Garrus, imparting her cynical outlook on life and trying to get him to loosen up. 10 minutes with Williams – discussing poetry, the military life, the deployments they'd seen. 3 minutes in the engine room, then back to the elevator. The only change was the loss of the 4 minute check-in with Alenko by her cabin; the crew deliberately avoided noticing the small hitch in her stride as she walked briskly past his old station.

This time, she told herself – this time was going to be different. She was going to say something, consequences be damned. IT's not like there was going to be much time for regret – they were headed for the Mu relay, only a few days away. This time it was going to be different.

/- /- /- /-

The engine room was almost empty when Shepard walked in. Adams was long since asleep and his second stood at the main console, carefully recording the diagnostic results of the core. She nodded to the commander, then stepped to the other side of the room in a motion so fluid you'd be forgiven for thinking that it was part of her training. But Shepard had made it known that she didn't like being overheard while pep-talking the crew, so when she approached Tali'Zorah the engine room got a little smaller for everybody else.

"You know, Tali, I think I understand why you spend so much time down here. It's all a lot simpler in Engineering: equations, ratios. Predictable science, with predictable results." Shepard was leaning against the drive core railing, watching the EM field visibly shift around the Tantalus Core that was the heart of her ship. Tali joined her silently after a moment, resting forward into her elbows.

"Yes – you humans have built a beautiful ship. I've had a lot of fun exploring it all." Tali's voice rolled out of her suit speaker – the small distortions unable to hide the elegance of her cultured voice. "I've been meaning to thank you, Commander, for … well, everything. The opportunity to come with you, the Geth data, and …"

With a soft laugh, Shepard grinned up at her. "Tali, how many times have I asked you to drop the formality? You can call me 'Shepard', just like everybody else does. And it's been my pleasure to have you along – trust me."

"I do! That's … I mean, of course I trust you. You've been as good a captain to me as one of my own people, and that's saying a lot. You've seen how I'm treated elsewhere – it's been wonderful to be on this crew."

There was a long silence as each woman stared at the core. Tali shifted her legs to get more comfortable; Shepard watched her ankles cross out of the corner of her eye. Finally, Tali broke the silence.

"Com … Shepard, not that I'm complaining or anything, but you've spent more time down here this evening than you have in the past week combined. Do you … want to talk about Kaidan?"

Shepard's head fell, her hair hiding her eyes. Her voice was wooden as she answered. Butcher. Murderer. "Not really. Alenko was a soldier, and he knew what the risks were. Williams needed more time to arm the bomb, and …" her breath caught; butcher. Murderer. "He died a hero, Tali – he held the line with the Salarians and bought us the time we need." Her heart was pounding in her ears. "He got the job done. That's what matters."

Tali nodded, silent. "I think I understand, I really do. I could never have imagined making that kind of sacrifice before I left for my Pilgrimage, but being with you has been … an education."

A sharp laughter. "Well, I hope I don't turn you into same miserable cynic that Garrus and I are."

There was a kind of potent silence, barely filled by the humming of the core.

"Aaand … what about Williams?"

A blush filled Shepard's cheeks as she stood suddenly. "Oh, you heard that huh? I had hoped we'd kept it quieter." As she spoke, she felt her eyes following the line of Tali's hips again. She cleared her throat before continuing in a much sterner tone. "Chief Williams and I just had a … disagreement, is all. I misunderstood some of our conversation and she was good enough to set me straight. Nothing's changed."

Were Tali's legs always so long? When did that suit get to be so skintight? She blinked, then looked up at Tali – who was watching her through the visor. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"I said that I was sorry to hear about your … disagreement with Williams. She and I have never been very close, but I like her – she reminds me of the marines back on the Flotilla. I hope that your 'misunderstanding' …" Shepard could almost hear the air quotes the Quarian was omitting "… doesn't sour your friendship with her." Was Tali watching her a little differently?

"Thanks, Tali. I hope not." A moment of silence, then a quick smile. "Say, you know something? You've spent entirely too much time down here. How about you join me and the guys for our poker game next time?"

Tali stood up suddenly, looking around as though for trouble. "What, me? Play cards? No no no, Quarians are terrible gamblers. Besides, I don't have much money to bet, and …" she trailed off as she caught sight of Shepard's wide grin.

"Oh no, Tali, it's not a request. Consider that an order from your captain." Shepard reached out and took her hand firmly, shaking it up and down.

"Oh? Well, I guess if the Captain says I have to come play silly human card games, who am I – a lowly engineer – to argue?" There was a smiling note in the voice, and her glowing eyes turned up. Shepard returned the smile.

"Good. You've got a hell of a poker face."

/- /- /- /-

Shepard made her way back to her cabin, nodding to the few crew awake as she passed. She made it into her room and got the door closed before slumping back and banging her head on the steel of the wall.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could she be so stupid? Of course Williams wasn't interested. Of course she wasn't. It's not like she'd ever shown even the slightest inclination; it wasn't as though she'd ever caught Williams watching her. The gall – the GALL – of that woman to 'let her down gently.' How dare she?

Shepard stormed through her cabin, pacing into the night. 40 hours to the relay, and suddenly it couldn't come fast enough.

/- /- /- /- /- /- /- /- /- /- /- /- /- /- /- /-

Shepard was sitting in her cabin, head in her bandaged hands. The Normandy was unnaturally quiet, drive core shut down for maintenance and repairs. Her hands shook slightly against her forehead; the clock on the wall showed 8 May 2183.

The chime from the door seemed unnaturally loud, startling her out of her reverie. "Enter." She barked, and the doors opened. Tali was there with an impatient hand on her hips, but her eyes looking hesitant.

"Shepard, are you … ? I mean, Wrex sent me in here to find you, and … That is, Garrus and Wrex and were waiting at the table for your card game, and then I showed up and they seemed surprised … Anyway, Wrex said that if you invited me, I had to be the one to come get you so ..." she trailed off, her head cocked to one side as she looked at the commander.

With a small sigh, Shepard stood and forced a smile onto her face. "Yeah, sorry – I'm coming right out. Not as if we have anywhere else to go for a while." She slipped her arm around the Quarian's waist, hugging her gently. Tali stiffened against her for a moment, then relaxed. They walked out of Shepard's cabin like that, hips rubbing together for a few steps before they broke apart.

They reached the mess-table behind the elevator, laid out for the weekly card game. Wrex was sitting on the floor, and still rested his arms on the table. Garrus was straddling a chair, already looking contemplative. Pressly and Joker were shuffling cards and bantering. They all looked up when the two women approached.

"Hey." Wrex grunted. He looked them over, then gave Shepard another glance. "Thought you'd forgotten about the game. Just because a bunch of Geth nearly destroyed civilization is no reason to leave me sitting here."

"Hey, some of us had to _fly_ through those geth and keep our pants clean, so I don't want to hear about it." Jokers face had a boyish charm as he seamlessly joined the banter.

Garrus laughed "Fly through it, sure. It's not like you were at the helm of the most advanced warship in the Human or Turian fleet, or that you had an oversized drive core to boost your kinetic barriers or anything. No no, swooping in to save the day was much harder than slogging it out on foot against every Geth outside the Veil." His humor was dry, a perfect match to Joker's.

Shepard was startled to hear Tali joining in. "It's not like either of you had to suffer the mortification of being a member of the race that created them. Just when I thought the Galactic opinion of Quarians couldn't get any worse, it does." She was smiling as she said it. "Ha!" Wrex laughed "That's it, girl, you'll fit right in."

Shepard stood, watching them – her crew – settle in to their cards. Even Pressly – how strange to see his opinion change! It was he that voiced dissatisfaction at Shepard's decision to leave the Destiny Ascension; he'd had a change of heart these past months. But Shepard knew what she had to do – get the job done. At that moment, the only thing that mattered was destroying Sovereign, and she'd done it. She got the job done, just like she always did. With a quick smile she flipped a chair backward and sat down straddling it. "Okay, gentlemen – and lady – the game is called 'stud poker' and Joker so help me if you start making jokes …"