I think I could not resist leaving the last chapter so unclear. I just have to post up Sara's POV. I think I had another chapter in my mind for Greg and Sara, through the eyes of the other CSIs. I think it would be fun to use the other CSI to end this story.
Thanks for the support!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
From The Heart
Chapter 2
SARA
Over You – Daughtry
Through the glass window, I saw Grissom interviewing Doctor Lurie. He was the suspect for killing Debbie, my doppelganger. Debbie looked like me, when I saw her lying down on the steel bed, cold, and lifeless, I was shocked. From that moment, I knew why Grissom assigned me to the perimeter, and did not allow me to enter the house to look for evidences. He did not want me to see her, dead in such an undignified way.
"It's sad isn't it, Doc? A couple of middle aged guys like us, how we never really touch people unless we're wearing latex gloves. We wake up one morning and realize that for 50 years we haven't really lived at all... But then one day, someone young and beautiful offers to share their life with you, someone you can care about. We have to give up everything we worked for to have them, I couldn't do it... but you did."
Someone he cares about.
Offers to share their life.
Have to give up everything.
He couldn't do it.
Those were his thoughts about me, him and us. He could not do it. He could not risk his job. Is that how he really thinks about me, that I am just another Debbie? I would leave someone else better if I find one. Is that how he really thinks of me?
The doctor left the interrogation room. Grissom was still sitting inside there, pinching the bridge of his nose, looking wounded. Did he realize that I am standing here? I guess not. If he did, he would not pour his heart out to the doctor.
I guessed I need a beer. I need something to numb myself, rendered my brain useless, incapable of any thoughts.
Why did I fell so hard for someone who couldn't risk it?
I walked out of the room, hoping that he would not see me. I felt that there were heavy leads tied to my legs, making every step to the locker room extremely difficult.
Finally, I walked to the locker room. At this time, no one would be around. I found a bench that was hidden by the lockers and just sat there. I did not know if I am crying or not. But those wet stains on my pants were affirmative. I am crying.
Dead abused women.
Abused kids.
Rape victims.
They made me cry.
I did not cry over love. I did not cry over lost love.
Ken Fuller didn't.
Hank Peddigrew didn't.
But, Gilbert Grissom did. He hurt me so deep. He drove the knife into my heart so deep that I doubt there was any chance of recovery. It was bleeding, profusely. I am unable to find anything to stop the bleeding. I did not even have the strength to apply pressure on the wound.
I am just tired.
"Sara." Someone called my name. I think it was Greg. Only Greg used the gentle and concerned tone.
I wiped away my tears with my sleeves hastily. Greg, perhaps, had seen me crying for a long time before calling my name.
"Yes, Greg?"
This was the first time I saw Greg so worried. Was he anxious about me? It was heart-warming to know that someone cared. He knew about my secret crush. He understood about my pains. I could cry in his arms and he would not flinch away.
Can I cry in his arms?
I resisted. He's Greg. He's my best friend. And I did not wish to complicate that line. My line with Grissom had been so blurred that it hurt. Are we more than superior and subordinate?
"Let's have dinner together."
He dropped a bomb question. Let's have dinner together. I said that to someone before.
Catherine had told me about Greg's feeling for me but I brushed it off as a siblings love. Nick told me about Greg always gave me priority for DNA results. Warrick said that Greg acted different around me.
Was it true? Were their words true?
"I can't, Greg. I can't." I uttered with much difficulty. I am confused.
After Grissom, I honestly think that my heart is not ready for another relationship. If I accepted his dinner invitation, it would give Greg hopes. And I would be using Greg to show Grissom that I am not a doormat to him.
And I could not hurt Greg.
"Why not? Let's have dinner. Let's see if anything could happen. Please?"
That was what I told Grissom last year when I asked him out for dinner. I asked him, no, I begged him for a chance. That's how pathetic I am. But I would always blame the lab explosion. It disoriented me. That was why I acted irrationally.
"I don't know what do with this. You know what I meant. You knew."
Did I just reject Greg the same way Grissom had rejected me? I thought so. His face looked exactly the same as mine when Grissom rejected me.
"I don't know. I want a chance for us."
"Not when I am at my most vulnerable. He confessed to that doctor but he told him he could not risk anything for me. His job is his pride and he is unable to do anything to hurt it. Do you know how I feel when I heard what he say in the room? I am nothing to him. I am nothing to anyone. I can't even find validations in him. I feel unloved. Just like in the past." I explained.
I think that I am at most vulnerable state now. I don't think Greg really love me. That's just a crush. If I give Greg a chance, he would be a replacement.
He will be my rebound guy.
And I do not want that.
I could not resist the tears that were welling in my eyes; it just rolled down my cheek.
I felt Greg pulling me closer to him. He enveloped me in his arms. And naturally, my head just rest on his shoulder. I do not know why I can rest on his shoulder so naturally. I knew that I can trust him.
"Sara. Look at my eyes. You can always count on me."
I looked in his eyes, trying to search for truth. Is he telling the truth? Can I count on him? I do not know if I can trust again.
"Greg…"
"You always meant something to me. I won't treat you like how Grissom treated you."
If only, I never met Grissom. Perhaps, my heart would be open and available. And it would not be in tatters. I just do not believe I had the capacity to love somebody else like I love Grissom.
"If only." I sighed.
"Look at my eyes. Trust me. I can love you the way you wanted. I can protect you. I would give you the respect you needed. And when you walk one step to me, I will walk the remaining steps to you. But even if you don't step one foot, I will. Look at me. Trust me. "
He tempted me with a promise to cherish, respect and love me the way I wanted. And I do not need to take a step towards him at all. He will do all the work. He asked me to trust him.
Can I?
Can I still trust after Grissom?
Can I have the chance to be happy? What I do know was Greg have the ability to make me happy, make me smile, and laugh.
Truth to be told, Greg had done so much for me. He would never let me cry. He had lent me his ears when I needed one. He would look out for me. He cared.
"Greg… I" I searched for the right words to say. I did not know if the words I am searching are rejection or something else.
"Let's just try. If nothing works out, we will go back as friend. At least, give me a chance." He stopped me from continuing.
"Just a chance." He pleaded.
I am tempted by his offer.
Could I?
Should I?
"I…" I bite my lips.
I breathed in deeply.
I think I should.
After all, I am entitled to happiness.
I think I should put Grissom behind and move forward. And I know that if nothing much happened between me and Greg, we can still stay as friends.
I need closure. I should have started running away from Grissom, a long, long time ago. Perhaps, I am better off without him.
Greg looked at me earnestly, waiting for my answer.
"I… Perhaps… we… could try to have dinner together."
By giving Greg a chance, I am giving myself a chance too.
"Really?" he broke into a smile.
"I am not promising anything. It's just a dinner. "I smiled too.
"Shall we?" he offered me his arm.
I took it after some consideration.
Perhaps, nothing would come out of it.
Perhaps, something would come out of it.
I would leave it to Fate to decide.
And accept it wholeheartedly.