Thank you everyone for the great comments; they mean so much to me. This is my first story and I do plan on this being a multi chapter saga. Hope you enjoy this chapter. This should give you a heads up about my interpretation of how the death negatively affects Sam and Andy.

I sit staring in the distance, vaguely noticing movement of black everywhere. Where did the tradition of wearing this color to a funeral come from anyway? I mean everyone is so sad, so why not wear a color that is more uplifting? I absentmindedly play with my white gloves, feeling the polyester rubbing across my hands normally annoys me, but today I welcome the feeling. At least it causes me to feel. The crowd is finally dying down; the standing ovation of Sue's life was overwhelming. Almost every law enforcement officer in the Toronto area attended dressed in their formal uniforms. The procession from the church to the funeral extended for miles, red and blue lights flashing in every direction.

I look at Dov isolating himself, but who could blame him? Between all the condolences and him comforting Sue's family, he hasn't had time to realize the full magnitude of how his life will change. After the explosion settled the ear piercing scream that came from Dov has chilled me to the bone on more than one occasion this last week. Complete chaos everywhere, all of us charging straight towards the house, with Dov as our leader. I think everyone knew there was no way our silent hero could have survived but we had to at least try.

When all hope was lost, and there was not even a body to recover, Chris held Dov as he collapsed. Quietly sobbing, he took care of Dov like his own brother. Later that night Sam held me as the floodgates opened and the damn broke in my emotions. Of course I blamed myself, but with Sam's strong arms around me, I found solace. God I love the feel of his body around me, I never feel safer than in those moments. Last night though I felt what it was like to be the protector. I woke up to Sam thrashing around in his sleep and when I gently nudged him it was enough force that he woke up screaming for me. One look in his soulful eyes and I can't imagine the horrors he was seeing.

I feel like a zombie today, as if everyone is staring at me. I know no one blames me for what happened but I can't help feel eyes burning holes into my flesh. The very worst part is that ever since Sam woke up from his nightmare, he's been pulling away from me. Today of all days I would think he'd want me by his side. It's the subtle things I notice. Like the fact he didn't touch me at all during the funeral, or how he hasn't been by my side once during the reception. For the past week he hasn't wanted me to leave his side, but now all of a sudden it's as if whatever nightmare he had, triggered something inside him.

"Hey Andy how you feeling?"

I look up and see my dear friend Traci pulling up a chair next to me.

"Um okay I guess. This whole week has been one big nightmare I wish I could wake up from. I mostly feel devastated for Dov."

"Tell me about it, I can't even imagine when he'll be back at work. I think he has over a month's worth of vacation he can draw from," Traci tells me as her gaze lingers on our broken friend. "Jerry told me last night he wants to get married, that seeing Dov lose Sue has made him realize that life is too short."

For the first time in what feels like an eternity I smile, I genuinely smile. "Trace that's great. I'm so happy for you," I say as I give her a hug. "When do you think you'll do this?"

"Were going to wait a few months out of respect for Dov. Not that a few months is going to lessen his pain, but it seems like the right thing to do."

I give Traci a nod showing her my understanding. Catching a familiar figure coming our way I look up and see the man that always takes my breath away. Giving us some space Traci says her goodbyes and I see her walk towards Jerry.

"Hey McNally you ready to go?"

With a sigh I respond. "You have no idea; I need to feel like I'm not being looked at like any moment I'm going to have a mental break. Let's go home." I grab Sam's hand and head for the door.

The drive home is quiet and I can't help but feel like something is bothering him, something more than the obvious tragedy.

"Okay I can't take this anymore, what's going on with you?"

"Hmm what do you mean?" Sam tries to play it off like I'm imagining the emotional distance that's been between us now for almost 24 hours.

"You, this, all of it. All week long you have me all but tied at your hip, but now it's as if I'm not even on your radar." I'm feeling completely exasperated all of a sudden.

"It's nothing McNally, everything's fine." Irritation creeping into his voice.

Oh he's so infuriating sometimes. "Everything is not fine; come on it's me you're talking to."

"Andy just drop it okay? It's been a long week. We have to start back at work tomorrow and we need our rest." As if to show me everything's fine, Sam laces his fingers in between mine and gives me a little squeeze.

I drop the conversation thinking maybe I've just let the stress take its toll on me. When we arrive home we dress for bed, climb under the sheets, and instead of our usual kissing time Sam just rolls over and falls asleep within minutes. Yup, it's all in my head.

The next morning in parade, the air is almost suffocating. Normally I'd be excited knowing I have all day with Sam, but after this morning I'm not so sure. Dressing for work was contentious at best, and forget about any conversation on the drive into the office.

"Okay McNally, Swarek, I need you two on the west side today. Word on the street is drug deals are happening in plain view. I need you two visible, call for back up if needed," our fearless leader Sgt. Best gives us our orders. "Everyone else you have your assignments already. Remember, serve, protect, and stay alive."

Cruising on the west side of town is always enlightening to say the least. We ride in silence as I gave up hours ago to keep a conversation going. We made several stops today-some traffic violations but mostly because the drivers looked suspicious. No big bust yet and it's already two o'clock. Four more hours to go when we receive a 911 call, a woman is being held at gun point on the five hundred block of a nearby street. Without thinking, our routine takes over and Sam flips the switch to the lights and I respond by radio to dispatch. Working in sync has always been our strongest asset to the force, or at least we've been told by Best and Superintendent Peck.

When we reach the apartment complex I immediately jump out. Sam is right behind me when I make it inside and start taking the steps two by two. We make it to the sixth floor and I'm breathing so hard my lungs are burning. I can hear an angry voice down the hall. Sam points for me to draw my gun as he does the same. I never get used to the cold heavy metal in between my hands. The knowledge of knowing I can end a life at a moments notice is at times a weight on my shoulders almost too much to bare.

We slowly creep down the hall and the voices start to make more sense. We quickly learn the female is being accused of cheating on the male, and he is threatening to end her life if she doesn't tell him who she cheated on him with.

"OPEN UP POLICE," Sam shouts standing to the side of the door while I'm on the other side.

"GET THE HELL OUT THIS IS NON OF YOUR BUSINESS," the unidentified male shouts back.

"Come on sir," I say back more calmly. "Just open the door and let us talk to you."

"I like the way you're talking to me. I'll let you in but the other copper needs to stay out."

I'm about to respond when I hear Sam respond first. "Not going to happen. I don't let my partner go into dangerous places without backup". I notice Sam starting to take a softer approach as well.

"Well then I guess two people will be dying tonight, this bitch and me."

"NO WAIT," I scream.

Silence.

"Sir?"

I faintly hear the female crying. "Ma'am you okay?"

"Yeesss, just scared."

"Okay lady how about we play a little game called exchange. I know I have a much more likelihood of getting out of this situation alive if I have a cop by my side. I'll let this cheating bitch go if you take her place."

"I said no," Sam says forcefully.

"Okay sir I agree."

"No way in hell McNally."

"Listen Sam, I'm a cop and this is my job. I have a chance to save a life today and I'm going to take it. Now you can either support me in this and help me come out of this alive or let me go in there knowing you don't have my back. Which is it going to be?"

Letting out an exasperated breath Sam reluctantly agreed. I tell the perp to slowly open the door and I'll come in. In only a few seconds I find myself standing in the apartment. I place myself in front of the crying female and walk with her until she reaches the door.

"Jimmy it didn't have to be like this," she says to the male.

"Just go miss, my partner is outside waiting for you."

The female leaves, and when she shuts the door behind me, it sounds like a door being shut to my cell in a prison.

"Okay, now what Jimmy? Can I call you Jimmy?"

"Whatever. How are you going to get me out of this alive? I don't trust that I won't accidentally be shot by your boyfriend out there."

"He's my partner on the job and that is what he is trying to do, his job."

"I will surrender you this gun and you can take me in yourself as soon as your partner joins the rest of the team outside."

"Here that Sam," I yell to him.

"Ya I hear it. I guess there's no sense in arguing. I'll do whatever is going to get you out of there and back to safety the fastest." I hear him start to walk off. His footsteps stop only long enough to say to me what I have longed to hear since yesterday morning. "I love you McNally."

I try to contain the sob threatening to rip from my body. "Me too, see you soon."

I hear Sam walk away and I look through the window until I see him outside. I point to Sam to show Jimmy he's out. Without hesitating this young man, a kid really, hands me his gun. I accept the deadly weapon and put it in the back of my belt. I break out the handcuffs and securely lock them around his writs. A huge sigh of relief escapes me.

As we walk outside I'm greeted by other police and Oliver is there to guide Jimmy into the squad car. I look around for Sam and I see him leaning up against our police car staring at me. Walking over to him he turns away from me and climbs into the car. My heart sinks. Isn't he glad to see I'm alive? We ride back to the station in silence and depart to our separate locker rooms without a word spoken between us.

The ride home is painful, for I know something big is about to happen. A new definition of normal will be brought to our relationship tonight. When we arrive home Sam is the first one to speak.

"You know that night after we arrested that shooter in the school?"

"Yes," I whisper.

"You fell asleep in my lap."

"That's because you were gently caressing my arms and playing with my hair. Your touch is always so soothing, safe."

"That's just it Andy, I can't seem to keep you safe. I have had to repeatedly watch you put yourself in danger time and again and I'm scared to death one of these days I won't be able to save you."

"It's not your job to save me. I'm a cop, it's my job to be in danger everyday."

"Ya well, I just can't accept that. That night when you fell asleep on me I just looked down at you thinking how I had to watch you walk out in the line of fire to take the girl and shield her from her boyfriend. I know there were no bullets left in the gun, but at the time I didn't know. I remember thinking that night how worried I was that there would come a time that I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Take what Sam?" I ask gently as if I'm teetering on a cliff and only he has the ability to bring me back or push me over the ledge.

"The fear of losing you."

"What are you saying?" I feel myself start to tremble with fear for his response.

"I'm saying that time is now. You almost died just one week ago, and not for the first time in three short years. It's your first day back on the job, and look at what you had to do today. God Andy, I had to let you walk right into that perp's grip. I don't care that you're my partner, you're the love of my life and I just had to let you walk right into the line of fire AGAIN. I've tried so hard over these last few years to let you be a police officer because I know how important being a cop is to you. I know the last thing you want from any man, especially your fiancé, is for him to treat you like you are inferior. But as a man I'm supposed to be your protector and I can't keep pushing that aside."

I can see he's fighting back the tears threatening to spill over. Mine have already broke the damn. "Does this have something to do with the nightmare you had before the funeral? Because Sam it was just a dream nothing more," I plead with him sobbing now but I don't care.

"You really want to know what made me tear up the bed that night in my sleep?"

I nod because I can't seem to form the words.

"I DREAMED YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DIED IN THE EXPLOSION NOT SUE".

We are both taken aback by his outburst. He takes a deep breath and rubs his hands over his face. Not being able to look at me, despite my pleading, he turns his back to me and walks to the window. The night is frigid and the beginnings of a snow storm are approaching.

I place my hands on his shoulders and I feel some of his tension release. Placing a kiss between his shoulder blades I then lay the side of my face on his strong back. His head drops and his reserves finally break as well. I feel his body rack with sobs. I try to turn him around, it's a fight, but I eventually win. Although I see a new determination on his face now, one that I know for certain I'm not going to like.

"Sam just say it, I know you have something else to say."

"I want you off the force."

At first I think he's joking, but it only takes a moment until I realize he's serious."

"Come on that's ridiculous."

"Is it? In the three years we have worked together I've seen you escape death too many times. Either you find another job, one that doesn't involve putting your life before others on a daily basis, or we're done."

I feel like I'm drowning. Desperate to convince him that me leaving the force is not the answer, I try to reason with him. He's stern in his resolve and I can tell this is a battle I'm not going to win. My heart is breaking but I know there is only one possible answer to his question. I love this man before me with all my heart but I will not give up my passion of police work. I provide him the only answer I know to give.

"No," I respond back. My face is void of emotion for I know what is coming next.

"Then if I'm going to lose you it will be on my terms and not some random perp's terms. I will not continue to fall more in love with you with each passing day only to lose you in the next drug bust, or undercover op, or even a random traffic stop."

Seconds tick by and we just stand there and stare at each other. Neither of us willing to make the first move. Finally just when I think he can't hurt me anymore, he proves me wrong, as if it was a challenge all along. "I'm going to Jerry's for now. I'll take tomorrow off and have my stuff moved out before you come home from your shift."

I don't say a word as my brain fights to process what he's saying to me. I know it's bad but I can't comprehend the fallout. For a split second I think he's going to break and tell me he's sorry and beg me to take him back. Before I can put any more energy into that though,t he walks past me. Sam grabs his coat and heads for the door. Stopping for a moment, a cruel joke really, because again I'm hopeful he will turn around and pull me into his arms. What I see next completely shatters my entire existence. Sam shakes his head, takes one last breath, and walks out the door into a life that no longer includes me.