Dear new recruit,
The following is a list of possible strange things, that might happen to you on your first month on Atlantis,
along with an explanatin what they might mean, and what you should do if they happen.

Good luck

The ultimate Failure check list
Scientists edition

✑ Question
✒ Suggestion

✑Have your colleagues stopped laughing and started to run?

✒If yes, you can either be a hero, stay back and find out what you did wrong, trying to fix it. Or you can be a plain, ordinary scientist with a sense of self preservation, and run right after your fellow peers, finding out who can run faster.

✑Has your name, the word worse and 'Kavanagh' been mentioned in the same sentence?

✒If yes, you are either an incredible imbecile endangering the city, or you just have a horrid hairdo.

✑Is the only thing you recognize of you your left toe?

✒If the rest of you is either blue, explosive, contagious or smells like three weeks leftover cheese sandwich, please stay away from the rest of the expedition.

✑Has McKay stopped ranting and yelling and is nice to you?

✒If you think that's no real sign for things gone bad, you have not been with us long enough and never will.

✑When you radio the infirmary, do they send Dr Biro?

✒Stay calm, take a deep (terminal) breath and say your (final) prayers. Most the rumors about her aren't true after all.

✑Do your colleaguess uddenly look way more sexy than you remember them, and all you wanna do is get physical with them?

✒No matter if it might be a side effect of whatever you have been working on, or Dr Zelenka's super special private moonshine still´s do, go to your room immediately and lock yourself. You don't want to wake up finding an enamored walrus lying next to you.

✑Does a suicide offworld mission (like facing a Wraith invasion all on your own with an empty P-90) sound appealing to you, compared the explaining consequences of your failed experiment to Dr. McKay?

✒If yes, it sounds like you have messed up so badly that we can only advise you to go, as hard as it may sound. Look on the bright side - at least death by Wraith isn't as painful and slow as death by McKay….

✑Is each and every event repeating itself with a given interval of time?

✒If yes, you are either facing a slight case of paranioa, or you found one of the ancient's many malfuctioning time loop machines. Find and turn it off again, and please don't do your version of groundhog day.

✑Do you think you are Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, the Silver Surfer or Robinson Crusoe?

✒Before you try anything stupid like jumping of the main tower, dressing up in violet tights or 'make fire, find Friday', go and talk to Heightmeye; She will understand and help you. You wouldn't be the first one gone a bit nuts here.

✑Is the number of your heads more or less than one?

✒If yes, immediately report to the infirmary. (And no, you are not allowed to keep any additional heads once they have been removed.)

✑Have you found the ancient's version of counterstrike and accidentally loaded it into the virtual reality projector?

✒Tell the marines about the new fun in area 3, charge them for entering the game, and flee through the star gate while you can.

✑Are the contents of your fruit salad talking to you?

✒Nevermind. This is Pegasus after all.

✑Are you the only person in the room not wearing a Hazemat suit?

Try to ignore the feeling of missing something, and enjoy the fact you're the only one able to drink coffee with your mouth not being covered while you can.

✑Is the equipment following you everywhere you go, making purring noises?

✒If you can't turn it off or outrun it - don't panic. Just try to imagine it as a rather unusual pet.

✑Have you been working on an artefact, when it suddenly started to blink, beep, emit radiation or count backwards?

✒In this case, you should not waste your time checking this list …