A Lady Waits
The endless conflicts between rival warlords had disrupted the livelihoods of the common folk who suffered from poverty and hunger. Famine and floods destroyed crops and homes as refugees started streaming into Zhongshan from other parts of Hebei.
One day, while I was travelling to visit my sister's family, we passed a group of refugees who were making their way south. Wagons were filled with hungry, crying women and children while the men traveled on foot, their faces downcast and hopeless. I turned to Zi Yan and asked, "Who are these people? Where are they going?"
"They are refugees," she replied gravely. "I think this group is heading to Zhongshan..."
My eyes caught a glimpse of a young couple walking in the group - the girl was carrying a baby bundle in her arms while her husband or brother was helping her to walk. She was already too weak, her body swaying and she stumbled, the bundle in her arms fell out and rolled on the ground. Her husband quickly tried to help her up but she had lost consciousness. The others in the group did not even bother to stop to help the young couple, their feet kicking aside the infant as they shuffled past. I gasped in horror and ordered the carriage to turn around. Without thinking, I climbed out of the carriage and ran to pick up the bundled infant from the ground, cradling the child as I approached the couple.
The husband was weeping from anguish as his wife lay motionless in his arms. "Help us, please!"
"Sir, is she your wife?" I asked.
"Yes, she is... Please help her! She is very sick!" he begged tearfully.
"Don't worry, sir. I will help you," I replied and passed the baby to him but the man just shook his head sadly.
"My baby is already dead... She died three days ago!"
My heart nearly stopped as I stared at the tiny infant inside the bundle. I didn't think to check if the baby was still breathing. She was already blue, eyes sunken like black pits and body rigid as a plank. She was so small. I could not forget that image as Zi Yan quickly took the bundle from me and covered the corpse.
"Zhen Fu, are you all right?" she asked, seeing me in a daze.
Shocked, I nodded. "Take them into our carriage... We will find an inn for them to stay," I told Zi Yan.
At a nearby inn, I arranged for the innkeeper to lease the couple a room, prepare food and called a physician to treat the wife. Soon, she woke up and called for her husband. They both wept and knelt down before me.
"You are an angel sent to help us! We do not know how to repay you," he said, bowing before me.
"Please stand up. And here, take the money," I said, placing a few pieces of silver in the man's hand. "Bury your daughter and take care of your wife. That way, your debt to me is paid."
"Thank you! Thank you!"
"Good sir, please tell me where were you heading to, before your wife fainted," I said.
"I was a farmer before the famine hit us. We lost everything - our crops, our animals and our daughter. We were going to a camp not far from Zhongshan. We were told that there would be people who will help us there."
The information perked my interest as I asked them where this camp was. The man then described the place to us.
We bade the couple farewell and returned home. I could not sleep that night as I was moved with pity for their suffering, reality pricking my conscience and demanding that something must be done to help these people. This was the real world while I was still living a sheltered life. The next day, I spoke with Zi Yan.
"Can you show me where is the camp?"
"Are you sure, Zhen Fu?"
With much reluctance, she relented after seeing my determination. "All right... I will show you."
Zi Yan brought me to an open field, several li away from the main town. From my carriage, I saw many of them huddled in makeshift tents and living in unsanitary conditions. Most of them only had clothes on their backs and nothing else. I asked Zi Yan to bring out the food that we had packed earlier.
"Please distribute them out," I told her.
Zi Yan walked into the camp and gave out the food. It was not enough to feed the many hungry mouths and a riot nearly broke out. Finally, I climbed out of my carriage and spoke to them.
"I am Zhen Fu. My family has a grain yard not far from here. If you could elect a representative from your family to follow me, I promise to give out rations and whatever that you need..."
The people there cheered and praised my name.
"Bless you child!"
"Praise the heavens! She has answered our prayers!"
Then, I got to work. My family had large stockpiles of grain, and together with Er Ge's widow, the Lady Li, Zi Yan and a few volunteers, I spent most of my time distributing rice, clothing and blankets to all those who were in need. San Ge was angry when he found out what I was doing. He had planned to take advantage of the situation to sell the grain in exchange for valuable items. Many wealthy families who had lost everything, offered to sell their valuables in return for food and shelter. I had disapproved of his ways – he was a greedy man to even think of taking advantage of the people in need. He and his wife had taken over the family's fortunes after Er Ge died. Mother's health had also declined in recent months. Now she preferred to let my brother run the family business and day to day activities. I did not want to find fault with San Ge- he was officially the head of our family but I was still a Zhen and I had a say in the family.
One day, as I was busy organizing the relief efforts, a group of soldiers rode into our grain yard on their ferocious war horses, scattering the elderly and the poor. Zi Yan quickly ran to inform me of what was happening outside. Angered by the impudence of these soldiers, I walked out to confront them.
"Stop distributing the grain!" their leader shouted. "This grain belongs to the Yuan army… Anyone who takes this grain will be executed!"
I tried to put on a brave front but underneath my sleeves, my hands were shaking with fear. These men looked like seasoned warriors and their swords had seen bloodshed. They had no qualms about killing anyone that stood in their way. I was only a young girl with no means of defense. The crowd was cowering in fear and wailing for mercy. Moved by their plight, I had to step forward.
"What is the meaning of this? This store belongs to the Zhen family… You have no right to come here and take it," I boldly stated, glaring angrily at them.
Their leader was not amused as his hand moved to the hilt of his sword. "Who are you, young lady? You dare defy the orders of Lord Yuan?"
"I am Zhen Fu, daughter of Zhen Yi. This yard belongs to my family," I told them.
Suddenly, the soldiers started laughing among themselves. I became confused by their erratic behavior.
"Greetings, Lady Zhen. It is obvious that you were not informed of the latest news. I have a letter from your brother, Lord Zhen authorizing us to seize the grain yard for Lord Yuan's war efforts…"
He handed the letter to me. Zi Yan helped me to open the letter as I glanced through its contents briefly. My head was filled with questions as I saw no way out of this - my brother's red seal was on that letter. It meant that he had agreed to this.
Then, San Ge appeared, wearing his purple robes and riding his favorite horse. He clumsily dismounted and scowled at me.
"Apologies, my lords… My sister was not aware of this. Please forgive her," he begged, clasping his fists together and bowing his head in supplication.
"There is no need for apologies, Lord Zhen," their captain replied. "I must thank you for riding out here personally to explain the situation to Lady Zhen."
"Yes, yes… You are most understanding. I will have my servants to entertain you and your men at our mansion," San Ge said with a nervous laugh. It was humiliating to see my brother groveling like that. Er Ge would have never stooped so low to these men.
The captain then ordered his soldiers to close the grain stores and drive out the people.
"Zhen Fu, do not fight this," San Ge hissed at me. "Gather your things and leave immediately. We will have a talk with Mother later."
It was no surprise that San Ge would throw his support behind Lord Yuan Shao – he was a powerful man with an mighty army controlling vast territories. If we resisted, his army would wipe us out like pesky bugs and seize our grain anyway. However, the thing that most infuriated me was that San Ge had agreed to Lord Yuan's suggestion to wed me to one of his sons. It was apparent that Lord Yuan wanted to consolidate his power and garner support from the wealthy families.
"Your beauty and your acts of kindness has reached the ears of the most powerful man in the country… Surely, you must have helped one of his lesser relatives, granted a few favors, perhaps," San Ge's wife insinuated.
"I do not know what you are referring to, dear sister-in-law," I told her and turned to my brother. "I am not doing this for fame! There will be no wedding, San Ge. I do not agree to marry into the Yuan family. Father says..."
"Father is dead! I will decide your marriage matters now!" San Ge interrupted angrily.
Then I turned to Mother. "How can you allow him to talk to me like that?!"
"Zhen Fu, calm down," Mother said.
I threw a hateful glare at my brother. "No, I will not calm down! This is my life you are talking about... My future! I know that San Ge never liked me. I am but a thorn in his side. He just wants to get rid of me so that he can control the family riches!"
"That's not true!" San Ge argued and turned away in disgust.
In a placating voice, Mother said, "Zhen Fu, I know you are upset. I don't think we have much of a choice."
I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Taking a deep breath, I muttered harshly, "It appears that all this has been decided on my behalf. I have no choice but to obey."
I swept out of the hall and wept bitterly. There was nothing I could do to change my fate. Women of my time had no say in marital matters. I had hoped that San Ge would send me away to the palace like I wanted or make a better marriage proposal for me, preferably one that did not involve any sort of intimidation. This marriage was more of a social contract and a business transaction to buy my family's loyalty and to guarantee that my family members would not act indiscriminately. Mother tried to console me by telling me about the Yuan family and their imperial lineage. I would live in a grand castle in Ye City with many servants. Through marriage, I would be elevated to a higher social status compared to all my other siblings. Father's dream would have finally come true.
How was all this noble and great? Was this what Father would have wanted of me?
The wedding dowry arrived a few days later; bales of silk cloths, chests of gold and silver and precious jewels filled the main hall of the Zhen household. Lord Yuan wanted to show off his wealth. San Ge was delighted while my other sisters were green with envy. I felt like I was being sold to the highest bidder. I would be married to Lord Yuan's second son, Yuan Xi. He was twenty-two years old and had just lost his wife to illness. I have never met him before this. Although, I would be the newly installed "wife", I was sure he had other wives or concubines. It did not matter whether he wanted to take me as his wife as I was sure that he was also just following his father's wishes. Gradually, I came to accept my circumstance and tried to make the most out of this arranged marriage, though a tiny part of me wished that Yuan Xi and I could eventually learn to love each other, just like Father loved Mother. In a stoic and rather endearing way, my parents cared for each other and they shared many happy years together. Er Ge too loved Lady Li, despite Mother's initial misgivings about her. Eventually, Mother came round and loved Lady Li like her own daughter.
On the morning of my wedding day, I was called early. I was already awake for hours, stirring as soon as the first rays of sunlight hit the latticed windows of my room. My thoughts went back to the night my mother and sisters threw me a bridal shower and a farewell party. I had not seen my sisters in quite a while, even Zhen Rong, whom I had many fights as a child, was an emotional wreck. Mother attributed it to the fact that she was with child. Married life seemed to have mellowed her fiery tantrums. We had sweet wine and my favorite dishes in the family courtyard, which was already decked in crimson and gold, from wall coverings to the carpets.
We sang, danced and dined till late at night and I could not hold back my tears.
"My little Zhen Fu, all grown up now," Mother said with tears rolling down her cheeks. "You must have courage."
And that I must always keep my head up and smile. If I smiled, no one would know that I was homesick or afraid. Although Ye City seemed so strange and foreign now, I would become accustomed. I would learn the Yuans' ways and make my home there.
This beautiful summer morning, Zi Ma commanded a great bath sprinkled with rose petals and lovingly supervised the washing of my hair and limbs, manicuring of my fingernails and patted me all over with scented towels. She helped me dress in my wedding finery of crimson silk and gold threaded embroidery. My long hair was oiled and fashioned into a high bun held by gold pins and beaded tassels. The wedding crown of gold and pearls was heavy and ornate. My face was powdered and drawn as was customary for all brides.
Mother then came in a covered my head with a red veil. "Zhen Fu," she said with a heavy heart. "It saddens me that you will be going far away from here. Today, you belong to the Yuans now… I will not know when I shall see you again. Make your family proud, you understand? As a parting gift, I am giving you this jade bangle. Wear it always and think of us…"
I tried not to cry as I knelt before my mother and paid my respects as a filial daughter. Then I was led away towards the wedding carriage – it was drawn by two white mares sporting red ribbons and pom-poms. Zi Ma also tearfully bid me farewell. She would not be following me to Ye City. Instead, Zi Yan will be my companion from this day onward. My wedding entourage, with my trousseau of great traveling chests, my servants and guards, labored along the wooded paths at a slow pace, the Yuan banners flying high.
The wedding band heralded my arrival at Ye City with trumpets, cymbals and drums just after midday. I tried to peer out from behind the crimson veil at the citizens who had lined up along the main avenue to get a better view of the wedding procession. Ye City was huge and overwhelming, an ancient fortress with tall walls. It was very different to my village where houses were scattered all over the hillside. In Ye City, the dwellings were built and structured with gravel roads leading to every direction. Ahead of me stretched a pathway, lined with red carpets, running all the way through the great doorway of the Yuan's castle.
The castle was situated on top of a hillock, overlooking the city below. It was surrounded by tall walls as far as the eye could see. Inside, there were manicured gardens and marble steps, gilded furniture and lavish draperies. The main wedding reception was held in the great hall with tall buildings on each side.
Zi Yan guided me into the main hall towards the dais where Lord Yuan Shao and his wife, Lady Liu were seated. There were so many guests there that I felt a little scared. Then I came to stand beside my would-be husband, my face still obscured by the veil as we knelt in front of Lord Yuan and Lady Liu and paid our respects.
"Lady Zhen, your father and brother were respected officers of the Han and it is my great honor that you should be joining our family," Yuan Shao said kindly.
"Thank you, Lord Yuan," I responded.
After that, Yuan Xi and I stood and bowed to each other as husband and wife. With a wave of his hand, he lifted the bridal veil and we finally laid eyes on each other. My husband was tall, his dark hair swept into a bun tied with crimson silk sash and his short beard trimmed and neat. He was considered good looking but his silent gaze was cold and indifferent.
Yuan Xi did not speak a word to me the rest of the day although we were seated side by side at the formal banquet. After the long dinner of many courses, there was entertainment with music and dancing. Toasts were made for health, prosperity and dozens of children and grandchildren.
Then I was put to bed by my servants in the bridal chamber – there were red candles lit all over the room and a flagon of sweet wine on the table. I had to wait for my husband whilst he had to undergo a few more rounds of wine and slapping ribaldry before his friends and companions escorted him to my door.
The doors were finally closed on the curious and drunk faces of his friends and the two of us were quite alone, frozen like a pair of dolls on the marital bed. There was silence.
"Would you like some wine?" Yuan Xi suggested, his voice thin and disinterested.
"Yes, my lord," I replied with a little smile.
He nodded his head and fetched a brass goblet filled with wine. I took the goblet from him and sipped the heady drink quietly. Yuan Xi gulped down his wine and took another.
"How old are you?" he asked in an abrupt manner.
"Fifteen, my lord."
"You are still a young child," he declared, his face contorted with disgust. "Father always liked the young ones…"
Did he not like me? Have I displeased him?
A shadow of doubt filled my heart.
"My lord, I assure you that I am ready to be wed and …"
"Enough!" he put up his hand to stop me from continuing. "Stand up!"
Dropping the goblets on the floor, he proceeded to remove my wedding clothes as I stood in front of him, a pile growing around my ankles. I smiled at him shyly, a little bit nervous. Yuan Xi was much older than I was so I assumed that he knew what he was doing.
"You're in safe hands," he said. His attempt to reassure me only served to unnerve me more. I remained standing and looked up at the ceiling, while Yuan Xi expertly removed my underclothes. Suddenly, I was completely naked as I sent him an uneasy look. For a moment he appeared to be lost in his thoughts, just staring at me.
"Is something the matter?" I managed in small voice.
"No, not in the least. Go to the bed, please," he told me in a gruff voice. I turned and sat down on the edge of the bed as Yuan Xi started to undress.
Now naked, Yuan Xi walked over to the bed and stood before me. He was muscular and his chest smooth, skin glistening in the candlelight. I had never seen a naked man before and shivered nervously.
"Lie down…"
I nodded and lay down on the bed as he bent down on top of and penetrated me. "Oh!" I gasped in surprise, this was an extremely new and strange experience. Then he began to move rhythmically while I tried to make sense of the whole thing. With a grunt, the deed was done and I became his wife. I was no longer a virgin untouched. I lay as still as stone beside my husband as he slept, careful not to wake him. Nothing my mother or sisters had told me about my wedding night could have prepared me for this- they told me that the act itself was not too uncomfortable, I just had to bear a little pain. Lady Li timidly confessed that her wedding night was like paradise and she really loved Er Ge. Somehow, I doubt I could ever feel the way she felt with my husband. Yuan Xi did his duty– cold and perfunctory. It was required so we could have children. There was no passion nor intimacy that two people shared within the bond of marriage. Sometime between midnight and early morning, I must have fallen asleep. Awakened by Zi Yan's gentle voice, I realized that Yuan Xi had already risen and left the room.
Zi Yan had brought a brass tub of water for me to wash up. As expected, I was bleeding but I knew it would stop soon. I was to greet my mother-in-law in the morning as Zi Yan helped me to dress. Putting on one of the new robes and shoes and making sure I looked presentable, I made my way to the Lotus Courtyard.
Lady Liu was already seated in her garden courtyard together with the other wives and concubines of Yuan Shao when I arrived. Under their watchful gazes, I knelt down in front of Lady Liu and served her tea in a dainty porcelain teacup.
"My lady mother."
Lady Liu sipped the tea slowly while eyeing me from head to toe. "Zhen Fu, I am glad to have finally met you," she said airily. "You may stand up now."
I rose to my feet with my head slightly bowed.
"I was thinking you're not much like your portrait, now that I finally have had a good look at you."
Slightly flushed, I smiled. Portraits were designed to flatter the sitter. I had mine painted just after my fifteenth birthday and I recalled being praised for my grace and beauty.
"Younger, softer, a slight pretty thing, aren't you?" she said begrudgingly. "But I would've preferred a girl with the hips to give us sons… a dozen sons."
The ladies snickered behind their silk sleeves. Never before had I felt so embarrassed and humiliated.
I am a highborn lady. Why did she compare me to… to a… a strapping milkmaid?
I had to say something to defend my honor. "My lady mother, I am healthy and regular in my habits," I began. "I will give you sons…"
The flint faced woman nodded, her disdain apparent. "No doubt you look healthy, Zhen Fu. However, you lack manners required of a Yuan wife. You do not speak until you are told to!"
Then, turning to her ladies, she said, "Bad breeding, the Zhens."
They murmured and giggled among themselves some more.
How dare she insult my family!
I bit back an angry retort and remained silent.
"What is the matter, Zhen Fu?" Lady Liu asked, smiling at me as if daring me to lash out.
Instead, I looked down and remembered Mother's advice, bowing respectfully, "My apologies, my lady mother. I will remember the Yuan family house rules…"
"Indeed," she replied. "You say that you will give us sons… Pray tell, how are you going to achieve this when Yuan Xi has already left Ye City?"
I stared at her in shock as my mind reeled with questions. When did this happen? Why didn't he send word to me that he was leaving the city? Perhaps, had he forgotten?
"He left early this morning. Did he not inform you?" Lady Liu said in a knowing tone, pleased to have had the upper hand.
"I… I…did not know this."
It hurt to admit the truth in front of so many people, that I was an incompetent wife and a sign of my failure to retain my husband beside me. To add salt to an already festering wound, Lady Liu said, "Yuan Xi is on his way to Yu Province at his father's orders. It appears that he took his favorite concubine with him."
My humiliation was complete. Her malice was so constant and so impenetrable that it was a waste of time to try to change her mind. Lady Liu was going to be a difficult mother-in-law. Bowing again, I asked to excuse myself.
"I will write to Yuan Xi, to request that I join him in Yu."
Lady Liu merely waved her hand and dismissed me. "And, remember, Zhen Fu… It takes more than just beauty to keep a man by your side," she said with a sly smile and instructed one of her ladies to pass to me the rules of conduct in this castle.
Confronted by a dozen of laughing faces reduced to helpless hysteria, I ducked my head down and pushed through them, and went away.
My initial meeting with Lady Liu was a spectacular disaster. I used to speak my mind and I had the freedom to move about in Zhongshan. But here, nothing got past Lady Liu without her permission. How could I even breathe under her rule?
Where was all this hostility coming from? What did I do wrong?
Lady Liu had made up her mind about me even before she met me. She hated the sight of me and made sure that my life would be difficult in the Yuan household. I could not understand it. Zi Yan who, having talked to the other servants, told me that Lady Liu was not Yuan Xi's real mother.
She was Yuan Shao's consort, promoted to principal wife after Yuan Xi's mother passed away. She was rumored to be a cruel and vindictive person - Lady Liu had Lord Yuan's younger wives and concubines put to death and disfigured if they did not obey her. Once, I came across a woman hanging from a tree in the courtyard with her hair covering her face. I screamed and alerted the guards who quickly took her down. She was one of Yuan Shao's consorts who feared Lady Liu so much that she decided to end her life. Lady Liu did not even shed a tear for her, as she ordered her body to be taken away and buried. Fearing my own fate, I wrote a lengthy letter to Yuan Xi, requesting to join him at Yu Province. I would rather bear my husband's cold indifference than his stepmother's wrath. Not wanting to sound like I was complaining or being ungrateful, I was careful to phrase my words so he would not be offended.
I waited and waited for Yuan Xi's letter. The days were growing shorter as winter approached. Apart from Zi Yan, I was friendless here. I was far from my mother, in a strange land and I knew nobody. There was no one that would help me. Mother's letters always exhorted patience – things would improve eventually. I dared not tell Mother the truth of my isolation and loneliness in the Yuan household. I knew that my circumstances would only improve once I bore Yuan Xi's sons but now, it looked as if I had no chance of redemption.
Then, one day, Yuan Xi's letter finally came – it was a few words, short and abrupt. He never even asked about my well-being as if I was not of importance. In his letter, he wanted me to remain in Ye City and take care of Lady Liu.
Wait… what?
The letter slipped from my fingers as my hopes of leaving Ye City were dashed. My heart sank but I refused to give in to despair. I just have to take the Yuans, their autocratic rule as if they were natural hazards, as unpleasant and as inevitable as bad weather.
My request to see Lady Liu was finally granted after many rejections. I visited my lady mother in the Lotus Courtyard and received not even a nod of the head in return. She was with her ladies in waiting and they showed equally frosty expressions when I arrived.
"My lady mother," I said again, waiting for an acknowledgment.
She turned to me with open dislike. "What do you want?"
Taking a deep breath and swallowing my pride, I told her. "I received a letter from Yuan Xi. He has asked me to remain in Ye City to serve my lady mother. He… he said he will send for me when the time is right. So, here I am at your service."
Yuan Xi did not say the last part in his letter but I was sure that he would send for me soon.
"Really? Why do I need another lady in waiting when I have so many?"
"It is Yuan Xi's wish and also, mine," I said humbly.
"Very well," Lady Liu sounded bored. "I hear you studied music and play the flute… You can teach my ladies reading and writing, maybe teach them a few songs for good measure."
"As you wish, my lady mother."
Lady Liu sent me and Zi Yan to the outer fringes of the court, the worst rooms and allocated the poorest service. This small garden was like a prison yard as I walked around in the herb garden and the rain drizzled over everything like tears. I had to give up my chambers as only wives who were "worthy" deserved them. In my solitude, I began to explore the castle and learned that it was a maze of courtyards and buildings for families, servants and government officials.
One dreadful day, the Yuan family left for their annual temple retreat outside Ye City without telling us and I had to dash after them, finding my way down unmarked paths, as unwanted and as irrelevant as a wagon of old goods. When I eventually caught up, no one noticed that I was missing and I had to take the room left for servants, above the stables. My place at the Yuan family table was in a far corner, away from the rest of the Yuan family. Dinner conversations were always centered on family oriented discussions about children while no one had anything to say to me.
Yuan Shao must have received divine blessings from the gods that day as he left for war that winter with trumpets blaring and drums accompanying his journey. His army of ten thousand was fearsome and brave, their armors shining in the sun. In his absence, he put his youngest son, Yuan Shang in charge of defense of Ye City. Yuan Shang was Lady Liu's only son; talented, intelligent and good-looking for a boy barely in his twenties and she favored his wives and concubines by lavishing them with gifts and attention while I was hidden away, out of sight.
A year has passed since I was married to Yuan Xi and still, I was childless. Each time, I prayed that my fortunes would change. I waited for Yuan Xi to send for me, another year of fertile life had come and gone. Each time I bled I thought, there goes another chance to make a son for the Yuans wasted.
"Why won't he send for me?" I whispered my lament to the wintry woods.
Soon, I realized that my husband never loved or wanted me. In this little garden of my abode, I could find no peace. I folded my cold hands into my sleeves as I took my usual walk along the stone walls bordering the castle. Even the sentries stationed along the castle walls pitied me; they bowed and greeted me as I passed them like a wandering ghost. At times, I wanted to end this misery so badly that I contemplated throwing myself off the castle walls. Would anyone even notice?
"Look at yourself, Zhen Fu," Zi Yan said as she brushed my hair in front of a brass mirror. "You are growing more beautiful each day and yet, you look so sad and pale, like a flower hiding from the sun. You've become thin and listless. Is there nothing that could cheer you up?"
Leaning on her shoulder, I murmured, "Zi Yan, my dear friend and companion… I feel as if my life is over. I am wasting away in this prison. I wish I could go back to Zhongshan. Do you think Lady Liu will ever allow me to leave this wretched place?"
Zi Yan did not respond immediately as she sighed. "I cannot speak for Lady Liu. She seems to have forgotten us but I will stay by your side forever," she said in earnest.
Poor Zi Yan! I suppose she was also hoping that our situation would change. How could I bear having Zi Yan share my fate?
I grew from a girl of fifteen, ready for love to a neglected, lonely wife of nineteen. These were the times when I drew on the happiness of my childhood years in Zhongshan. Without access to any books, I turned to my flute and music. They reminded me of my home. The paintings that hung on my room walls were of my childhood; the mansion, the river and forests, acres of golden fields and towering mountains. They were my only solace in this miserable place, the only thing keeping me from spiraling into madness.
One day, I noticed from afar beyond the gates of Ye City, the Yuan banners fluttering in the wind. It was Yuan Shao. He had returned from the Battle of Guangdu, weary and defeated. His magnificent army reduced to a handful of bedraggled and hungry survivors. Lord Yuan himself was very ill.
In the summer, Yuan Shao was dead, a mighty warlord felled by his illness. The colorful hangings of Ye castle were swiftly replaced by white drapes. A period of mourning had begun. Lord Yuan's body was laid in state in a funeral hall and all Yuan family members had to wear sack cloths and take turns burning paper offerings while many well-wishers, streamed into the city from all over the countryside. Young and old, rich and poor, had gathered to pay their last respects to their liege.
It was late one night as I was burning incense and paper offerings in the funeral hall, when a tall stranger entered. He walked straight to the altar, knelt down and wept. I looked up and was shocked to see Yuan Xi in front of me that I almost burned my fingers. He must have just arrived from Yu Province as he was still in his riding attire and so, I brought him a set of white clothing.
"You may want to put this on," I told him gently.
He looked up at me, surprised and confused. "Who are you?"
I was wearing a sack veil which obscured my face so I lifted my hands and removed the veil covering. Looking up at him, I replied, "I am your wife, Zhen Fu."
"Zhen Fu," he repeated, as if recalling a faint memory. "You look different," he stammered, embarrassed by this encounter. "How have you been keeping?"
Instead of compassion and concern, I saw a look of guilt and pity on his face. I turned away, disappointed.
"I am well," I replied flatly.
"Zhen Fu, I…"
Yuan Xi looked as if he wanted to tell me something but a child's voice interrupted us. "Father!"
We both turned towards the doorway and saw an older woman dressed in resplendent robes with two young children. It must be his other family – his consort and their children had also come to pay their last respects to Yuan Shao. The woman came forward and touched Yuan Xi's hand.
"My lord, are you all right?" his beautiful consort asked, casting a doubtful glance my way.
"Yes, yes… I am," Yuan Xi replied, a little distracted by my presence.
"I will take my leave now and allow your family some time alone," I said, feeling a little awkward.
Why do I feel uncomfortable by their presence? It should not be awkward at all, I thought. After all, I was his principal wife! Yet, I was an outsider in this family.
"Wait, Zhen Fu…" Yuan Xi pleaded and then said to his consort, "Lady Tian, please meet my wife, the Lady Zhen."
Lady Tian's eyes widened with surprise as she quickly bowed to me. "It is an honor to meet you, Lady Zhen."
"Likewise, Lady Tian," I replied kindly. Although she was older than me, I could see that she was nervous and unsure of this new development.
"Since you have just arrived and you must be tired, I will ask the servants to prepare your rooms," I told them.
"Thank you, Zhen Fu," Yuan Xi said, the look in his eyes warmed to me.
Bowing to my husband, I left the funeral hall with mixed feelings.
Zi Yan was overjoyed by the news of Yuan Xi's return that night. She was busy running around selecting my best dresses and fretting about my looks. "He will surely ask for your presence," she said confidently.
"Please stop, Zi Yan," I laughed at her antics. "Yuan Xi is here to pay his respects to his father. He is not here to see me."
"But this is an opportunity not to be missed!" Zi Yan urged me to reconsider. "This is your chance to leave this horrible place! If he still has any feelings for you, he will take you with him."
I was not sure if I wanted to leave with Yuan Xi. It appeared that he was doing fine in Yu Province with his family. Did I really want to be the proverbial third wheel? Traditions state that my place was with my husband. But all I ever wanted, was to go back to Zhongshan. I would be content to live out my life there, if I never marry again.
Not wanting to dampen Zi Yan's hopes, I promised to speak with Yuan Xi after the funeral. If he deemed it fit, he could release our marriage pact and send me home.
The next morning, I was to resume my duties at the funeral hall and was surprised by the number of armed soldiers stationed outside. What was going on here?
Then, Lady Liu arrived at the funeral hall with her son, Yuan Shang. Yuan Xi and his family came in shortly after them. They took their places on opposite ends of the hall and waited. Lady Liu was exceptionally fidgety and worried that day as she kept wringing her hands. Yuan Xi's face was cast in stone.
The tension in the room rose when a soldier came running in, announcing the arrival of Yuan Shao's eldest son, Yuan Tan. Lady Liu turned pale as she quickly consulted one of Yuan Shao's advisors in hushed tones.
Then, Yuan Tan arrived with a group of soldiers. I have never met Yuan Tan before but it was easy to recognize him as he looked very much like a younger version of his father, Yuan Shao – brash and arrogant. He ignored Lady Liu and went straight to the altar and knelt down. He bowed three times and placed lit joss sticks in the ash urn. The silence in the hall was broken when Yuan Tan greeted his brothers and sisters cordially. When he came to Lady Liu, he hesitated.
"Mother, it is good to see you," he said in a resentful tone.
Lady Liu looked almost afraid of him. "Yuan Tan…"
"Apart from paying my respects to Father, I came here to see Father's last will and testament," he said levelly. "I am sure he has informed his advisors on his successor…"
Then one of the advisors stepped forward and said, "Lord Yuan Shao on his deathbed, informed us that his successor will be Yuan Shang."
"Impossible!" Yuan Tan shouted. "I do not accept this lie!"
The advisor was shaken by the outburst and quickly produced a letter which supposedly contained Yuan Shao's red seal.
"Lord Yuan Tan, you may see it for yourself…"
Yuan Xi then tried to calm his brother. "Elder Brother, I have also seen the letter. It is clear that Father wanted Yuan Shang to succeed him."
Yuan Tan pushed Yuan Xi away and tore the letter into pieces. The whole court was in uproar as Yuan Shang lunged forward to grab the letter but was held back by Lady Liu and his men. Soldiers on both sides drew their swords.
Yuan Tan pointed to his younger brother. "I do not believe that Father chose you as his successor! Our traditions state that the eldest will inherit their Father's kingdom… This is a conspiracy. Father was somehow tricked to sign the letter!" Then, Yuan Tan turned to Lady Liu with hatred in his eyes.
"It is you, evil woman! What did you do to Father? I should not have gone to Qing Province and left him at your mercy," he roared. "You will regret this!"
"No! No!" Lady Liu cried as she vainly tried to deny the accusation and flee from Yuan Tan's wrath.
"Arrest him!" Yuan Shang ordered but some of his men hesitated as they were unsure of who to obey. Both were Yuan Shao's sons.
Then, a few of Yuan Shao's former generals and advisors came out in support of Yuan Tan while the rest remained with Yuan Shang. This was not a good sign. Now, the family was split into two factions. Yuan Tan laughed at his younger brother's orders.
"Do you think I came here with only a small group of my men?" he scoffed. "Clearly, you underestimate me, Brother. Beyond the city gates are five thousand of my men who will lay siege on this fort if I do not come out alive… Surrender to me now and I guarantee there will be no bloodbath today."
Lady Liu was furious. "How dare you defy your dead Father's wishes?!"
"There will be no bloodbath, Elder Brother!" shouted Yuan Shang. "Fight me – one on one combat. The winner takes all!"
"Agreed!" replied Yuan Tan as he grabbed a soldier's sword and rushed at Yuan Shang, who was ready for him.
Both swords clashed in a stunning display of martial arts, both equally skilled. They matched, parried and fended off each other's strikes as all of us watched with baited breath. Suddenly, Yuan Tan managed to strike a palm on Yuan Shang's chest, the force of it sent Yuan Shang stumbling back and coughing out a mouthful of blood while Yuan Shang's sword sliced Yuan Tan's arm. Blood had been spilled. The ladies in the hall screamed and wailed in terror. A few fainted from the sight of blood. I was shocked by the violence in front of my eyes and nearly retched.
"Enough! Both of you!" Yuan Xi cried out as he stood between them. "What has happened to us? Why are we killing each other? Father has not been given a proper burial yet. Can't we wait to talk this over as a family?"
"There is nothing to discuss anymore," Yuan Tan hissed at Lady Liu. "It is all her fault!"
"Stop it, now!" Yuan Xi sighed. "Stop, for Father's sake and leave the city, Elder Brother. No harm will come to you or your men."
Lady Liu wanted to protest but Yuan Shang shook his head and asked her to be quiet.
"I will go… but I warn you, this is not the end," Yuan Tan swore as he tossed his sword away and walked out. No one dared to stop him.
"Yuan Xi, you have made a fatal mistake of letting your brother go," one of the advisors told him. "He will declare war on us as soon as your Father is buried."
Murmurs of war and conflict spread throughout the hall but Yuan Xi was undaunted. "My brother will do no such thing! Get the physician to look at his injury," he pointed to Yuan Shang.
As Yuan Shang was led away to be treated, everyone started to leave the hall.
"I want Yuan Xi under house arrest," said a vengeful Lady Liu as she was immensely angered by the outcome. "He is not allowed to leave Ye City!"
Yuan Shang's men moved toward Yuan Xi.
"Don't worry, Mother. I have no intention of going anywhere," retorted Yuan Xi as he walked out.
Guilt was written all over Lady Liu's face when confronted by Yuan Tan earlier that day. She must have had a hand in Yuan Shang's rise to power. Lady Liu had been secretly garnering support for her son over the years. It did not even faze her when Yuan Shang was injured in the duel.
I worried about Yuan Xi's own life. Lady Liu would not stop until her son controlled all of Yuan Shao's army; she would not hesitate to get rid of her stepson if he became an obstacle to her ambitions. As the days passed, Yuan Xi's chances of getting out alive seemed to dim. He was being imprisoned in his room with guards at the door. No one was allowed to see him. Yuan Xi did not deserve die. The quarrel was between Yuan Tan and Yuan Shang but Lady Liu was too blinded by her greed for power to know the difference. It was then, I decided that I had to do something to save him, if not for old time's sake, it would be the right thing to do.
The next day, I paid a visit to Lady Tian and she was worried for Yuan Xi too. She too had heard about the commotion in the funeral hall and was relieved to see me. Lady Tian was pale and her eyes red-shot – she could not sleep a wink since Yuan Xi was arrested.
"I tried, even begged Lady Liu to allow us to see Yuan Xi but she refused and the guards would not allow me into his room. The children are asking for their father," she said sadly. "What do I tell them?"
I confided in her my thoughts and she seemed to agree that they had to leave Ye City.
"There must still be a few good men, loyal to Yuan Xi in this castle. I need to ask for their help if I only knew who to approach," I said with a sigh.
Lady Tian nodded. "I may be able to help. I was present during one of Yuan Xi's meeting with his advisors. One of them is Master Hu. He is still in Ye City."
We concocted a plan to escape from Ye City as Lady Tian quickly sent a secret note to Master Hu. Zi Yan hid the note in her basket when she went out in the morning. Immediately, he responded that he would help us in any way he could. It would be difficult but not impossible. If we could get Yuan Xi out, Master Hu would provide the carriage that would take him out of the city.
The gates of the city were heavily guarded and since the unfortunate episode at Yuan Shao's wake; anyone entering or exiting was to be thoroughly searched. Over the next few days, Zi Yan observed the soldiers guarding Yuan Xi and noted the changing of guard. There were one or two of them that I recognized – they were former sentries at the castle wall and we had exchanged a few customary greetings before. They would certainly remember the festive cakes that I baked for them.
It was agreed that we would smuggle Yuan Xi out on the first new moon. A sense of excitement coursed over my whole being as Zi Yan and I packed our things. "We have to travel light, Zi Yan," I told her quietly. "Leave all the jewelry and robes behind…"
She nodded albeit reluctantly.
"Don't worry, Zi Yan… When we reach Yu Province, Yuan Xi will make up for the loss I'm sure," I suggested and only then did Zi Yan smiled brightly. We were going on an adventure, a dangerous one as we could be caught and punished or worse, executed if Lady Liu found out. The plan was to be carried out tonight under the cover of darkness. I baked a tray of soft fluffy sweetcakes and infused them with sleeping potion. The guards would not notice as it was odorless and tasteless. Once they were knocked out, I would use their key and release Yuan Xi. In the meantime, Lady Tian would wait for us at the outer pavilion with her children.
It was a very dark after the customary prayers to the gods at new moon and Lady Liu had retired to her chambers early. At the sound of the cymbal indicating midnight, I took my basket of sweetcakes and made my way to Yuan Xi's room. There were 2 guards there, looking bored and sleepy at their posts. The candles in Yuan Xi's room were still lit, indicating that he was awake.
Summoning my courage, I walked towards the guards and immediately, they blocked my path. "Lady Zhen, you cannot enter!" they said as they recognized me.
"No matter, good sirs. I have brought you sweetcakes for supper," I told them cheerily.
They were only too happy to accept the cakes and ate them greedily. Soon, they were fast asleep and snoring. Unhooking the keys from the guard's belt, I opened the heavy lock and pushed the door open.
Yuan Xi was at his writing desk and was surprised to see me. He quickly stood up. "Zhen Fu, what are you doing here?"
"There is no time to waste. I am taking you out of Ye City," I whispered.
"But how?"
Then he saw the sleeping guards outside and understood. I quickly briefed him on the plan. We were to meet Lady Tian and his children while Master Hu would be waiting for us outside the castle with his special purpose carriage.
Yuan Xi's eyes widened at my audacity to carry out the daring escape and he reached out and took my hands in his. "Zhen Fu, this is a great risk you are taking. I… I am ashamed for treating you badly…"
Yes, you have ignored me and left me in the hands of your evil stepmother for many years! Oh, how I have suffered! If only you would treat me kindly from now on, I am willing to forgive you.
It was not a time to be making romantic overtures but I was stunned by the way he gazed at me – mesmerized, awed, grateful and sorry at the same time. It took my breath away.
I, Zhen Fu, will be treasured and loved! A sweet ending to all the sufferings I endured, I thought, my heart filled with hope.
Suddenly, Yuan Shang burst into the room with a sword in his hand shouting, "Who dares to enter here?"
And when he saw us, he was startled. "Elder Brother! Lady Zhen!" he said, lowering his sword, embarrassed by his intrusion.
"I saw the guards sleeping and the door wide open, I thought an assassin had broken in…"
Yuan Xi pulled me protectively behind him and held up his hand. "There is no assassin here, Yuan Shang. What are you doing here at this hour?"
Yuan Shang seemed flustered and worried. "I came to talk to you, Elder Brother," he said.
"If you consider me as your brother, you would not arrest me," Yuan Xi bristled.
"It was Mother's idea," he replied, rather sheepishly. "I tried to persuade Mother to release you but she is increasingly paranoid as our brother just declared war on us…"
Yuan Xi was shocked and saddened by the news. "He what?! How could he do this? Stupid, arrogant fool…"
"That was why I wanted to see you."
I took this opportunity to speak up. "My lord, Yuan Shang, your brother is in danger now more than ever. You alone know what your mother is capable of. If you want to save your brother's life, you will help us escape..."
Then, he realized that he had inadvertently walked into an escape plan as he tried to ally our fears. "Mother would never hurt…"
"If a push came to a shove, you know very well what will happen," I urged. "Yuan Xi does not deserve this…Help us!"
Yuan Shang paced the room, unsure of what to do. He tried to deny that his mother would inflict harm on his sibling but in reality, he sort of guessed that I was right.
"All right… I'll help you."
We met up with Lady Tian, Zi Yan and the children at the outer pavilion of the castle. Master Hu was already waiting there. They were initially suspicious of Yuan Shang but Yuan Xi assured them that he meant well.
Master Hu's special carriage had a secret compartment hidden in the floor of the carriage, enough to fit a man. Yuan Xi slipped in and closed the panel while the ladies and children climbed on board. We were told to be very quiet as Yuan Shang rode his horse and led the carriage out to the gates. The guards immediately bowed when they saw him. "I wish to bring my family out for a night's ride. Open the gates!"
The guard was hesitant and a little suspicious.
"It is already late, my lord. And it is dangerous as bandits may be lurking at this hour," he said.
Yuan Shang waved off his concern. "I am well aware of the risk and am well prepared… The bandits will not dare to attack us."
The soldier quickly bowed and ordered the gates to be opened.
After we were safely out of Ye City gates, Yuan Shang kicked the horse into a gallop as we headed toward the river. Master Hu had arranged for a boat to take us to the other side. From there, it would be a long journey to Yu Province. He had cautioned against using the usual route as Lady Liu would order the soldiers to look there first. We were to use a long roundabout way but it would be safe, especially for the children.
The smell of the cold crisp air felt invigorating to my senses after being locked away in the castle for so long. The sound of the river was music to my ears as was the taste of freedom. I would have expected Yuan Xi to be happy but he looked pensive as he watched Yuan Shang helping Lady Tian and the children into the boat.
"What is the matter, Yuan Xi?" I asked.
"I never imagined that our great family would end up like this, torn apart. Brother against brother… Wars waged on a whim," he mumbled, looking at his younger brother. "All will be lost and the remnants of my father's legacy will be devoured by vultures waiting in the wings…This is all the family I have now…"
Family…
Suddenly, I felt a lump in my throat. I thought of Mother, my sisters Zhen Jiang, Zhen Tuo, Zhen Dao, Zhen Rong and their families, kind and caring Lady Li, Zi Ma… faces of everyone in Zhongshan flashed before me as I stared at the deep, black river.
Yuan Shang then came up and Yuan Xi hugged him. "Goodbye, brother and thank you. It breaks my heart to leave like this. I will write to our brother and try to reason with him. I hope we will meet again."
Yuan Shang smiled. "We will."
"Come, Zhen Fu…It is time to go," Yuan Xi said with a grin. "You will like Yu Province…"
"Zhen Fu?" Zi Yan called when she noticed my hesitation.
I looked up at Yuan Xi and Zi Yan's faces. "No…" I shook my head. "I cannot run away with you…"
I must not be selfish…
Zi Yan was horrified at my sudden change of mind.
"Zhen Fu, are you out of your mind? You will be in danger if you stay!" Yuan Xi grabbed my shoulder and tried to reason with me.
I looked up at my husband and said, "You have your family. They are waiting for you in the boat. And I… I have mine too…in Zhongshan."
My voice cracked as tears began to run down my cheeks, a horrible premonition gripped me.
"If I leave with you, Lady Liu will execute my whole family, for my crime… I would rather stay and bear this guilt alone," I said, as my legs suddenly gave way and I sank down on the riverbank dejectedly. How quickly this opportunity presented itself and was taken away just like that.
Yuan Xi pulled me into a hug and wept. "My brave, courageous wife! It is my fault that I cannot protect you and your family. I am a useless husband…"
"Do not weep for me, Yuan Xi," I told him. "You are a good man… It is just that we are not fated to be together. You have a family to care for now… You need to go with them."
"Elder Brother, I promise to take care of sister-in-law. She won't be harmed," Yuan Shang said. "We will wait for your return."
Yuan Xi nodded and wiped away his tears with a sigh. "I will always remember you, Zhen Fu," he said.
"And I will remember you."
The boat pushed away from the shore and sailed down the river. By dawn, they were gone. It was the last time I ever saw Yuan Xi again.
Yuan Shang and I returned to the castle though a secret door. It led us right into the kitchens and washing area. The entire castle was in an uproar when the guards found out that Yuan Xi had escaped.
"Go back to your room and change out of your clothes. Pretend that you have just got out of bed," Yuan Shang told me and I quickly nodded. "I will take care of the rest."
Torches were everywhere as the soldiers searched the castle. My knowledge of the castle served me well as I made it back to my room unnoticed. I quickly changed into my night clothes and pulled a cloak over my shoulders. The soiled robes were hidden away just as the guards banged on my door.
"Open up!"
I went to the door and opened it for them. "What has happened?" I pretended to ask.
"Lord Yuan's second son has escaped and we must find him," one of the guards said. "We want to check your room."
"Of course."
The guards did not find anything unusual in my room and left.
It was the next morning that Yuan Shang told his mother that he was responsible for Yuan Xi's escape. It was he who drugged the guards and sent Yuan Xi across the river. Lady Liu was angered by this but she could do nothing to her own son. I was soon summoned to the great hall and bowed before Yuan Shang and Lady Liu.
"Lord Yuan Shang... My lady mother..."
"We have summoned you here to inform you that your husband has already left Ye City," Lady Liu said.
I gazed at them blankly.
"Apparently, you are bad luck. He left you twice," Lady Liu laughed cruelly as I lowered my eyes to the ground.
Let her think of me as a bad omen... a talisman... At least, Yuan Xi is safe. My sacrifice will be worth it...
"I should return to my work now," I told her. "May I be dismissed?"
"Go!" Yuan Shang ordered.
As I turned to leave, I nodded to Yuan Shang, thanking him for keeping our secret.
Author's Note: There is no sufficient conclusion on why Yuan Xi could have left his newly wedded wife in Ye City and not take her with him to Yu Province. My take is that he was just not that into her. Romance of the Three Kingdoms (ROTK) states that the reason she was in Ye City was because her family did not allow her to leave. According to Chinese customs, once a woman is married to the groom's family, she is considered their property. Moreover, Yuan Shao was a great warlord at that time. The Zhen family could not have dictated terms to them.
Special thanks to SilentNinja for invaluable suggestions and inspiring me to write.
If you like this story, please leave a review. Many thanks! I will be updating regularly.