Second part

Take My Love

(Mal's POV)

"I didn't mean nothin' by it!" This was by far the most infuriating argument I had ever got into with Inara. I didn't have any idea why exactly she was so angry. I knew she objected to what I'd said to Kaylee, but I couldn't figure out why.

"Yes you did, Mal." The minute she was inside her shuttle she leant against the wall. I tried to think of the right thing to say. I hadn't intended in getting into an argument tonight, not when dinner had gone so well, and I was determined to put a stop to this.

"I just don't want to see her getting hurt." I figured that was the sort of thing that might appeal to Inara. And it was true. I hated seeing Kaylee so downtrodden when her attempts to woo Simon went ignored. I could see that the doc wasn't oblivious to her, but he had other things going on in his life right now. I could understand that, but Kaylee needed to realise it before she got her heart broken.

"She is in love with him Mal! Do you understand that?!" I opened my mouth to defend myself but she answered for me. "No, of course you don't. You aren't capable of feeling anything that genuine!" She spat. For once, I was really taken aback. And hurt. I knew I wasn't always the most caring person, but I never thought that Inara saw me like that. Then, even though I never cared what anyone else in the 'verse thought of me, I suddenly needed to prove to Inara that I wasn't as unfeeling as she thought because I couldn't stand her thinking badly of me.

"I was in love once." I muttered. I instantly regretted it. This was not the right story to tell her. Surely it would only reinforce her current opinion of me. But I couldn't stop now, or else I was sure she'd press me for the information. "A long time ago, admittedly, but I remember well enough." I sat down on the bed tiredly. I hadn't thought about her in such a long time. My Leah. Not that I could call her that anymore.

"It ended badly," Inara spoke up. It wasn't a question. I shrugged. She wasn't entirely right, but I would get to that later.

"Everything ended badly then." I pointed out instead. And not just for me. So many people had had lost their lives because of that war. Even the ones that didn't die. "It was back on Shadow." I told her, carrying on with the story. I didn't want to linger on memories of the war. "Her family had a ranch down the street from ours. We spent all our time together back when we were kids." A small smile graced my face as I remembered several long, hot summers spent playing by the river, riding horses all over the place and just being together. "She had light brown hair, and the sweetest laugh in the whole 'verse, and…" I swallowed. Remembering her was harder than I'd thought it would be. She was just so damn perfect. Everything about her. I couldn't think of anyone more beautiful. Except for possibly Inara, but then that was her job.

"And you loved her." Inara finished the sentence that I realised I'd left hanging.

"Yes. But I already told you that." She smiled at me, and I hoped that she realised how grateful I was that I hadn't had to say the words again. I sat in silence, wondering how best to continue.

"What happened?" Inara suddenly asked after a few more seconds. I had expected her to, though. The people on my ship always seemed desperate to hear about my past, although I couldn't for the life of me think why.

"The war." The one that every gorram thing came back to. For so much of my life, that war had been the cause of everything. As much as it hurt to, I held onto it for a long time. Too long, really, but even now I still didn't know how to let go. "She cried the day I left," I remembered. I always hated seeing her cry. After the first time, when we were still only children, I'd sworn to myself that I would do everything I could to not let it happen again. But I'd failed at that miserably. "She made me promise to come back to her, said she'd wait as long as it took."

"But she didn't," Inara guessed, again not a question. But now I would have to correct her. This was the part that I was dreading, the part that would cement her image of me as the bad guy.

"I don't know." I told her. I looked away, not wanting to see her reaction to this. "I never went back." I felt the bed move as she pulled herself away from me.

"You-" She started to say, then stopped. I was glad. I wasn't sure I could take the accusation she had been prepared to throw at me.

"Didn't make a lot of difference, anyway. Shadow didn't last the war." I remembered clear as day finding that out. I never really got a chance to miss it though. By the time I was told, I'd already seen too much destruction. It didn't affect me anymore.

"How…" She began, then after a few seconds she decided on: "If it had, would you?" No, was the short answer to that question. But I needed her to understand this better than that.

"I changed in that war. I guess you knew that." She could hardly not know. The war changed everyone and everything it touched. "I don't know if it was for better or worse. But there was nothing left of me. Not a gorram thing." I hoped I didn't sound as bitter as I felt. I had, on occasion, reached out to the man I used to be. But it felt awkward, clumsy. It never worked out. I glanced at Inara. I knew what she was thinking. People always expected people like me to be in denial of what happened to them. And some people did, it was true. But I was sure that it was worse to know exactly what had changed inside of you. Because the people that ignored it never had to see how empty they were. "I knew that at the time. That's why I never wanted to go back to the old life. Folks I knew who did couldn't keep it together. I let them think I was dead. What was one more casualty?" I laughed humourlessly, quickly sobering. "Things might've turned out differently if they…if Shadow had survived. Maybe it would have been easier, knowing she was…happy. But I still wouldn't've gone back." I had to make that abundantly clear. I didn't want to have revealed so much about my past only to give her the impression that it was full of happiness and misunderstanding.

"Oh, Mal…" I heard Inara whisper. I stiffened slightly. I didn't want pity from her.

"Don't really matter, I guess." I shrugged it off. "But… I wanted you to know that…" That years ago I was a nice guy? That it's not my fault I'm a bitter empty shell? What had I wanted when I started telling her this story? "I just wanted you to know." That would have to do. And as I said it, I realised it was true. I wanted her to understand, just a little bit, so that maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't end up hating me someday.

She suddenly grabbed my hand tightly.

"Mal, if you ever need to talk… I'm here." I gently removed her hands from me. I could have broken her grip easily, but I didn't want to hurt her. I stood up and headed to the door. As I reached it, I hesitated, wondering what it would be like to share myself completely with another person like that? Zoe knew almost everything. But she was almost as broken as I was. How much support could we really give each other?

"Thanks, 'Nara. But there isn't anything to say." No, I wouldn't drag Inara into it. Although she wasn't nearly as naïve as I pretended to believe, she could never imagine the carnage I'd seen, and I wanted to keep it that way.