This mission was so similar to countless others. Why does it grate on me then, Knight Secura wondered.
She put her wandering mind aside to focus on the tableau before her. She was once again the dutiful daughter and virginal icon to her Jedi partner. She dressed provocatively, but maintained a distance from all of the men on this small moon. All these criminals, she corrected herself. Spice dealers and child traffickers. She swallowed her disgust as always.
Keeping a very attentive vigil from the side of her 'father,' Aayla absorbed all the details that might prove useful when they finally broke from their roles and destroyed this particular crime ring. The shifts in power between different participants; the vague unhappiness radiating from underlings. Her partner was trying to negotiate a deal that was vastly advantageous to himself but not so much to the heads of the syndicate. Disguising his greed in a shroud of entitlement that went with his fictitious royal title, he played the naive minor monarch used to getting his way.
And Aayla watched. And waited.
Vice, she had learned over the years, was addictive for a reason. Physiologically similar to others of their species, Jedi could feel the allure of sex, drugs, and power. And sometimes these assignments required them to indulge more than they would ever have imagined, coming into contact with the scum of the galaxy and every sort of vice one could ever imagine.
It was often a set of trials that she put alongside her Jedi Trials for comparison. Which was harder? Holding up under extreme conditions in pursuit of a life as a Jedi, or holding up under extreme circumstances when any indication that she was anything but thoroughly enjoying herself and the company would mean the end of her life?
At least she knew through her Trials that the worst that would happen would be her failure to attain the rank of Knight. She wouldn't be sold into slavery herself. She wouldn't be tortured for information before being mind-wiped. She could have entered the Jedi Corps and had a productive life anyway. These were the thoughts about her missions and her roles within them.
Why did she continue to take them? Did she have any choice?
As a Twi'lek, she was thrust in the role of the pleasure worker and dancer, naturally. The galaxy saw females of her species as mostly that. Not that she was the first Jedi of her people, but they were rarer than humans.
And a Jedi Knight did not question the wisdom of the Council, did she?
Vice was as corrosive to her emotional serenity as the proximity to the underworld of crime. She lost her center frequently when forced to 'serenely' let weapons dealing, child slavery, and genocide go on in front of her and pretend to promote it as well. Meditating often didn't help on an extended mission where her every move, even in private, was monitored. She felt herself slipping further and further into her 'characters' each time she took on a new persona.
And some of them were patently 'uncentered'.
When she was alone with her thoughts for the evening, she invariably questioned herself about the value of being sent on these undercover missions where she had to play-act. Acting required discipline in a similar manner to her Jedi training; however, the ability to even imitate emoting was taxing on her inner serenity. It was easier to try to create some real emotional responses to the situation and project them than to 'fake' it. Master Vos had taught her that.
So she embraced her emotions in the field and reeled them back in when she was once again a Jedi. But the whiplash effect was beginning to take its toll on her. She began to ask the questions, am I being used? Am I truly doing good in these roles? Would a male be asked to debase himself in similar ways for the 'greater good'?
"Padawan Secura, it is a pleasure to see you again," Knight Kenobi said as she entered the small meditation room they had established as their meeting space. It afforded them quiet and privacy to continue their conversations about the nature of emotional control.
He was already seated on a meditation pad, looking up at her as she stood. She bowed slightly to the Knight and assumed her accustomed spot. She folded her legs under her and closed her eyes. They both always began with silence to collect their thoughts from the outside of the room and to banish anything that might distract them. Each of them enjoyed this mental exercise.
After a short time, the senior partner in this endeavor spoke. "Anakin threw another fit," he said with great sadness in his voice. "This one started after a class, but he was unable to let it go even hours later in our own quarters."
Aayla inquired softly, "Do you know if he was like this before coming to the temple, Master?"
Obi-Wan frowned a little. The truth was he knew next to nothing about where Anakin came from or who he was when he was there. Qui-Gon had been the one to observe him on Tattooine. Obi-Wan only met him onboard the starcruiser during their emergency take-off.
And then there had been many more important things to do than query the boy about his past.
Especially since he was supposed to be letting go of all of it anyway.
He sighed a little and let his frown relax. "No," he replied. "I don't know." They subsided into silence again.
To Aayla, the obvious course of action seemed to be to ask Anakin. BUt then she wasn't a Master. Perhaps her instincts were dead wrong. Maybe talking about such things would just encourage Anakin to indulge them more. No having grown up in the creché with other initiate and Force-sensitive agemates, Anakin hadn't had the mental conditioning from a tender age that she had to release strong emotions into the Force.
Then again, she startled herself, isn't that exactly what we are here to debate? Should all potential Jedi be expected to use the same methods and reach the same results with regard to emotional control?
Timidly, she found her voice and asked, "Master? Would asking him about his past and his emotional state break the Code or your responsibility to him as his Master?"
Silently, she reprimanded herself or her earlier thoughts. She didn't want to advocate that Master Kenobi treat Anakin just like any other Padawan. She was here with him to sort out her thoughts and misgivings about the control and repression of emotional response. She was not here to accept dogma. She sat up straighter as she awaited a response.
Obi-Wan found himself once more impressed by the mind of this young woman. She brought so much new perspective to his trials with Anakin. He smiled ruefully and pursed his lips.
"No," he repeated. "It is not against the Code. I thought a clean break would be best for him after leaving his mother and losing Master Qui-Gon." He commended himself on his own control, not tripping over his Master's name after only seven months since he joined the Force.
"And now?" Aayla prompted gently.
"And now . . . let me ask you the question, Padawan Secura. Do you talk about the people and the life you left behind on Ryloth? Does it make you feel stronger in your dedication to training as a Jedi?" Obi-Wan's tone was almost pleading, desperate for a working answer.
Aayla took her time reflecting. She had spoken to her own Master numerous times about her past before he had found her and brought her to the Temple. He could ask her specific questions, however, since he had been physically there himself. He asked about her relationship and memories of specific people he had met, places he had visited. She knew Obi-Wan did not have that knowledge of Anakin.
She cautiously opened her mouth and began speaking. "Perhaps it is less important how he feels about the past than how he feels about the present. You cannot change who he was, Master, but you can help him discover who he is and then together the two of you can build who he wants to be."
Obi-Wan let out a held breath, finding much truth and certainty in the young woman's words. He was caught off-guard as she continued.
"And as you get to know who he is, he can reveal more to you about who he was, what he felt. Forcing him to ignore the past that has made him who he is surely not conducive to engendering his trust in you to map out his future together with him. Nor would it convince him to let go of the past which might hold back his Jedi training."
Her conversation partner waited patiently this time to assure himself that she was finished speaking. She lowered her eyes to the floor, signaling her release of the floor to him. He chastised himself silently for several minutes, leaving her to wonder what he was thinking.
Finally, he said, "You are right. I cannot ask Anakin to trust me in all things if he doesn't feel that he can trust me with this basic facet of himself. He cannot be trained like all other Padawan. He cannot be expected to react to the Temple and his training in the same way as children who have lived here nearly all of their lives, who have not witnessed the things he most certainly must have seen as a slave to the Hutts." Aayla raised her eyes to his again with confidence.
He stopped short there though, knowing that Aayla's Master had already started exposing her to some of the harsher realities of the galaxy though she was still young. Jedi were a strange mix of sheltered and experienced. He also knew that her talents and the circumstances of her species were likely to indicate that she continue along the path of undercover work that Masters Vos and Tholme pursued themselves.
He wasn't sure how he felt about that either. She had certainly given him a lot to meditate over these past few months of their meeting.
Having purged some of his own frustration, he cleared his mind and smiled at Aayla. "And what topic of conversation have you brought to our meeting this month?" he asked.