A/N: I'm really sorry for the long wait. I wrote and rewrote this chapter more times than I can remember and I just never seemed satisfied with the result. Anyway, hope you like it.
I want to thank everyone who reviewed. I honestly didn't think I'd get that many reviews for one chapter. You guys are the best.
Light of the Universe
Alone, lost in the dark hallways of my grief and solitude, I wait. Not for you but for the promise of the day when I'll see you again.
Alone, the way I chose to be, I sat down by the flower-bed and let my memories wander beyond my darkened thoughts and bring you to me. Flowers spread around me, the brilliant rays of the sun casting golden light over their leaves as those blinding beams peer through the broken windows. I felt the light spread like magic over the flowers and the floorboards and I know that the light would show me hope if I just try to look at it.
But the windows of my soul creak in protest and I can't open my eyes because I haven't seen the light in so long. So I close them and I think and remember the simple pleasure of existence.
Once upon a time, the hero of the planet was a lost boy who'd joined the resistance for the soul purpose of survival. He was the young boy who'd seen his idol turn into a monster aimed at destroying the frail threads of a child's life, a little boy who'd given up the world for a chance to be recognized.
Once upon a time, the hero of the planet was only the hero of the little girl next door.
And I see the windows of your soul.
And the light of the universe is shining within.
My eyes open, the shock of seeing yours in my thoughts too big to withstand, the guilt too intense to bear.
Alone, I left you with nothing but your uncertainties, your wandering thoughts to offer you the explanation that I could not find the courage to admit. Alone, I gave you grief and alone I grieved for you.
But when the night comes, I know I'll find solace in the chance of a dream you visit to show me a glimmer of hope. But your eyes hold the light of the universe and haunt my dreams, slowly taking away every other image, every other face and every other feeling, every other wish and every other memory until I see nothing but the magical twilight of glimmering rubies in my mind.
And I've only just realized how much I…
…I miss your eyes
So what if the world is fading away?
The misery began inside him before he'd even had the chance to recognize it, a slow rusty movement gaining speed and strength with every second that ticked away into the oblivion of the past.
You're still here.
But even though she was, his heart shuddered in his chest, jumped and jerked as sly, shadowy fingers curved around it and twisted and forced pain to spring into action. And that was where the mercy ended.
His heart told him that he was losing her. But his mind was telling him that he already had.
And on those rare occasions when trusting his mind over his heart meant that he might as well stop trusting altogether, Cloud understood that the better choice was sometimes worthy of neglect in favor of the right choice.
After all, the last time he'd decided to follow his mind's advice, Tifa was alone for months while he wandered through the winding halls of the sneering, contemptuous guilt bleeding black against his arm. Guilt had nearly ruined his life. And then it had nearly ended it. And, as if that hadn't been enough, his guilt had nearly killed her too.
Fortunate was too weak a word to describe how he felt when he'd blurred to her side, trampling flowers and earth, and yanked her into his arms to listen to the soft breaths that managed to make it through her lips.
Guilt taught him to be late and then taunted him with the achievement, weaving brutal fingers into the frail threads of his thoughts while it cackled as he obediently inflected suffering upon himself. And Cloud had been a pawn in its insane game for too long, dragging along the people he loved more than anything in the world.
When he really tried to save himself from it, when he'd given Tifa the chance to help him fight it back, he realized that that powerful guilt had never been so powerful at all. Beneath it all, something stronger, truer and much more sincere throbbed a tireless rhythm next to his heart. It was the manifestation of hope, the dream of his heart, the reason he was Cloud Strife. It was the little girl who used to live next door.
For so long, that tireless guilt he'd endured had been somewhere at the surface, but it had never been at the center. That was reserved for deep, ancient feelings he'd kept to himself since he was a little boy.
Her closeness was receding. Cloud could feel it in his bones, a dull, incessant hum of emptiness spreading somewhere where his heart was supposed to be beating with the relief that being near her brought. He would have looked up at her, spoke to stop her but he needed to scrape together the scattered bits of courage left inside him, and hope that the result was enough to confront all those questions that looked so much like pearly tears in her eyes.
Tense hands fisted and shaking by his sides, Cloud kept his gaze to the floor, swallowing the lump of frustration forming in his throat. He was terrified of the rejection Tifa had every right to inflict. He was terrified of being late again.
His heart beat erratically in his chest, a broken rhythm that needed her voice to be soothed. Her name escaped unattended from his lips and when he found the courage to open his eyes, he found himself staring longingly at that place where Tifa should have just stayed and been close
Come back to me, he thought miserably, letting the stinging loneliness remind him of just how much she'd endured when he abandoned her.
His tired gaze turned to the floor, burning with something strange and moist with something foreign and he pushed a hand onto his face, rubbing almost aggressively in an attempt to ease the lines of worry etched there.
She was always walking with him, towards him, to him that everything felt so wrong when Tifa was walking away.
I'm so much stronger when you're watching me be strong. Don't let go just yet. Tifa. I'm here for you and I'm here with you and I don't want to be anywhere else.
When he left the airship, and the people too delighted in their celebration to notice his gloomy attitude, and stepped into the different world outside, he looked for her with glistening eyes and a heart on the verge of breaking. She had her back to him, standing in the solitude of the night, her reflection shimmering off the bits of Zack's sword next to her that weren't covered in dirt. The moonlight was faint above her, casting her lonely figure in shifting shadows and yet, in his eyes, she sparkled like diamonds against the inky sky.
She looked like she'd been tired for a long time, like she'd been waiting for the right moment to give up. And it looked like Tifa believed the right moment was finally here.
Not just yet, Tifa. Not ever.
The beautiful brunette was oblivious to his presence, a fact that, on its own, was enough to spark concern and fear inside him and for a moment, it meant everything to Cloud that he was standing right there, in the shadows of the magnificent Sierra, just watching her, ready to protect her, to keep her safe and not be late anymore. Even with her back to him, Tifa was beautiful and here and that was all that mattered. His whole world was standing mere feet away. He only needed to reach out…
Behind him, the airship loomed majestically, swallowing him in its shadow, a silver silhouette glistening against the inky sky. It offered little protection from the blowing winds but Cloud was grateful for the hint of relief he found in the nearness of his friends.
Inside, laughter escaped the metallic confines and reached his ears, momentarily drowning out the sound of his own pounding heart to soothe it into a gentle beat.
Somehow, the laughter reminded him that he wasn't alone and that no matter what he did, people cared.
And his blue gaze shimmered a little more intently as it gazed longingly at the one person who cared the most, wishing with all his heart that her eyes were on his instead of the city.
He hadn't seen her eyes in so long…
"Tifa?" His voice was low and soft-spoken, filled with longing made infinite in the sound of her name. And he watched her tense up in recognition, stiffen as he announced his presence, and still staying away, shrinking further into the shell she'd used to shield herself from his distance.
His heart broke as he watched her heart-broken image and he took a step towards her, nearly reaching out before the thought of being pushed away forced his hand back down to his side.
"Are you okay?" he asked, hating himself, because deep down, he knew that she wasn't and wouldn't be for a while.
He sighed again, feeling guilty and frustrated, and took one more step towards her.
"Are you going to be okay?"
He waited, nearly pleading for an answer and sighed when he got none. In her own little world, Tifa was lost to him, a small part of his past that just didn't matter enough to belong anywhere in the present and future.
She shook her head, running nervous hands through her hair then dropped them to hug her arms. The wind seemed to pick up as the misery overwhelmed her, sending chills throughout her body that had her shivering in consequence.
"It's cold," Cloud murmured seeing her shiver in the moonlight. "Come inside with me."
But Tifa shook her head again wondering why her chest seemed so constricted. The confusion in her mind kept her from forming any thoughts, any memories that could have made dealing with Cloud easier on her. She'd accepted his departure months ago, accepted a life without him in it. She had accepted it after days of misery and nights of hope and she'd learned to just be without him. Back then, it had been easy to see things his way and understand his need for solitude, but now that he was here, so close, healthy and well, it made it so much harder to understand why he'd ever left at all.
He was so close to her, she could feel his fingertips on the backs of her shoulders.
"Don't say anything," he said softly, rubbing gloved hands gently down her arms in a nervous effort to ease the chilliness coating her skin. "But please be okay."
She shook her head vigorously trying to keep the thoughts from overwhelming her and, unconsciously, her eyes found the broken trail that led to Midgar and away from Cloud. She didn't think then, didn't even consider the danger of venturing down the broken path in the middle of the night and almost instantly, she took a step towards it.
It was the only step she managed to take.
Cloud's arms were strong and steady when they circled her waist to bring her back into him and he held on tight, even when she froze in his arms, and turned to hide his face in the crook of her neck.
"No, not yet," he murmured into her skin, eyes closed as he breathed her in. He waited for a while, just having her in his arms then shifted to press his cheek against hers. The smile flitting upon his lips was vague but there, just like the peace that was beginning to paint hope in his heart. "It's okay if you need to be alone for a while. I understand, but I…I can't be late anymore."
Silence tailed his words, heavy and foreboding and it dragged on for long moments that left him shuddering with longing. In his arms, Tifa dealt miserably with the tension it brought, fear finding a way to leak into her body and carve itself into her heart.
Torn between surprise and anguish, and knowing without trying that she could never bring herself to move out of his embrace for both their sakes, Tifa hugged his arms around her waist, curving shaking fingers around his forearms and hesitated to press back into him, too afraid to give into the comfort he offered and too afraid of losing it.
He felt her shake her head against him, a soft movement that had him jerking with a different kind of fear. There wasn't much strength left in her, She'd given it all to him, and in the process, she'd absorbed the weaknesses that had slowly been destroying him for months.
I didn't mean to…
He could see bitter parts of himself in her. Losing faith, giving up, surrendering, they were all those things that she'd taken away from him when she gave him her faith and then her strength and everything else he'd let her give and as he stood with her now, just feeling her, Cloud was beginning to understand why all the anguish, the misery and the despair had been fading. Tifa had been drawing them into her, taking them in to fill in that harsh empty space he'd created when he stole her heart.
I'll take care of your heart.
"I won't be late anymore."
Her shuddering hadn't died down. Fear was still stroking rough fingers against her heart, but when her hands quivered against his arms then slid across to find his, Cloud understood that there had been something beautiful in her that he'd fixed with his words. Maybe her trust in him wasn't restored, but he took comfort in the fact that it wasn't completely gone either.
It's all I ever needed. I can't believe in myself if you won't believe in me. And I can't be myself if you won't be a part of me.
A soft smile found a place to settle upon his lips and he welcomed it freely, drinking the knowledge that all those little bits of uncertainty lingering inside him were finally mending to create one wonderful entity that looked so much like Tifa.
He listened to her breathing in, breathing out, being here and, by some magical means, being his in that special subtle way that had bound them together since their childhood, and as he loosened his embrace to soothe the slender fingers that were desperately seeking his, he realized, with growing hope, that Tifa wasn't moving away anymore.
Her hands closed around his with frantic longing, pouring passion into the simplest of all gestures.
But it felt incomplete somehow, barricaded behind walls he didn't remember creating and wanted to destroy.
He shook his fingers free, stilled when he felt her tense up and grip harder and then slowly freed his hands from hers, whispering quiet reassurances before the past found a place to leak into her again and taint her mind with painful memories.
"You're here. I'm not going to lose that."
And even as he briefly took that single step away, he kept his eyes and his mind and his heart with her.
I won't lose you again.
The heavy leather of his gloves hit the soaked ground with a soft splash and then he was securing her hands in his, even as he turned her around to face him, gripping with the ardor of a man unwilling to ever let go.
His eyes lingered on their joined hands, softened as he memorized the image of those smooth, slender fingers tucked protectively in his, and when he lifted his eyes to find her face and her faith in him on it, it dawned upon him that the sensation coursing through his body at that one moment was what it meant to be complete.
"I won't let myself lose you again…"
He trailed off, breath catching, eyes widening, heart beating wildly when her eyes, wide and stunned and devastatingly beautiful shot up to meet his, the unbridled shock he'd caused when he took her hands in his ungloved ones still echoing in their mysterious depths. Pale, shimmering blue colliding with deep brown, their gazes met in one defining moment and held for many more.
Cloud forgot to breathe.
She'd been a mere child when he first drowned in her hypnotizing eyes, and years later, Cloud had yet to find his way to the surface. The little girl from next door had pulled him in with no hope of ever escaping.
Her eyes had been the sunshine of his childhood sky. Young and oblivious, Cloud remembered gazing deep into them that very first time she introduced herself, his brow creasing in concentration as he tried to identify all those mysteries that swirled within her curious orbs, even when his small hand reached out to shake hers and the sound of his name tumbled out in a nervous mumble.
Thinking back to that magical moment when he first met her, Cloud smiled a soft, serene smile knowing that everything was going to be alright. He had her memories and he had her and she had him. Even if Tifa didn't know it yet.
He looked at her again, studying every little detail he'd missed even when she hid from him and realized that even after he'd left, Tifa had never stopped being the best part of his life.
Above them, stars twinkled and glimmered the same way they did when they witnessed the promise he made to her once upon a time, and Cloud remembered watching her eyes twinkle the same way when she laughed and glimmer with tears when she cried.
And I remember that the sun never felt so warm and that the world never felt so calm and when your gaze locked with mine, I was your hero and you were the angel of my heart.
I found myself in you and, in the windows of your soul, a small, sad boy who was just learning the magic of a smile.
Magic happens when I look into your eyes.
I found my light in the mysteries of your eyes and I find us everyday in the memories of your gaze. So…when the rest of the world is gone, keep your light with me and keep your faith in me and keep your gaze on me.
Don't you know how much I love your eyes?