Hi people! I know it's been a long time and I am oh so very sorry. I just got out of school friday so (BONUS!) I just have a really hard time as to how I should write Alec's POV, but I got it now so woohoo! Ok this chapter compared to the original gives you more of how Alec's mind is working and a more introspective look about him. So anyway please R&R for me. Oh and my offer for BETA is still there! Anyway enjoy!
~JOJO ^_^
Chapter 2: Undecided
~Alec~
There are choices in the world that everyone decides on. Some of those could impact their life to the fullest and yet be so insignificant. People always had to make those decisions yet I remained not making that type of choice once.
Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be considering I have everything I need in life. Maybe this is the way I should live, only with the stars and night above me to keep me company. Though the one question that burned in my mind was not do I have a mate out there, but if I deserved one.
Truthfully that's what my heart and subconscious would tell me. I never listened to what my heart would tell me, as feelings were irrelevant to how one's life should be lived. Emotions weren't in my contract as how I should be a member of the guard either. They were but obsolete little things that made people make rash decisions and ruin their lives, eventually ending some people with death.
Being as introspective as I was at the moment I hardly noticed that someone was coming on to ruin my moment. And of course the one that had to come was Jane.
"You know for being my twin you should really understand the need for privacy," I say as she sits down next to me. She simply replies, "And as you being my twin you should understand that I don't abide by your rules."
Those words were very true as Jane would most often than not disturb me in my peace. I really did not understand as to why she would disturb me as of all people when I am not even in the castle and it is nighttime.
"Very true, but why are you here?" I inquired. She was sharp to reply, "Can I not speak to you whenever I wish?"
"No." I said being blunt. She knew better than to disturb me now, though it seemed oddly suspicious that she would. "Very well, but I do need to talk to you." For Jane to need to speak with someone is highly uncanny and very unpredictable. Yes she does joke around as seldom as it was, but she rarely had a serious conversation that needed to be held in private.
"Okay...what is it that you needed to talk about?" I asked highly alert. Jane took a deep sigh and looked at me with what seemed to be...pity? Why on earth would it be pity of all things? She then spoke in a soft voice, "You're unhappy Alec." It was not a question but a rather observant statement. Though 'unhappy' is one thing that I really wasn't. How does she know I'm unhappy when I don't even feel anything? Jane was probably the only one of us that understood feelings to a degree. Her outer shell rarely opened and now was one of those times.
"Unhappy? Where did this come from?" It made no sense as why she would say a thing like this. I was starting to debate whether she was joking and all of this was a dare, but soon realized it was false by her countenance.
"It comes from seeing you everyday looking as you do. You have such a cold and emotionless mask on but I know that you actually feel something. Alec as a vampire you feel stronger than any human being but as hard as you try to put a mask on, you can't hide forever." As much as my heart told me what she was saying was true, I didn't want to believe it. If emotions ruled my life like they did humans, then I would be doomed forever. As a vampire I saw this as the only way to stop the overtake of emotions.
"Yes I can Jane and I will! I have lived like this forever and you can't make me change," I said in full authority. She looked at me with a small flame of fury burning. She reached her peak and now she would yell at me forever. I still didn't understand why on earth she would want a conversation like this right at this moment. I made absolutely no sense as to why.
"Okay that's it! I'm fed up with your sulking Alec! I hate to see you like this and it actually hurts me really badly! If you want to live with unspoken jealousy whenever you see Chelsea and Afton, or even Aro and Sulpicia then by my frigging guest!" Unspoken jealousy?
"What does this have to do with them? I thought you came here to tell me to actually have feelings and repay your debt at being a poor sibling!" By the time the last word flew out of my mouth she slapped me straight across the face sending me backwards.
"A POOR SIBLING? JUST SHUT UP ALEC! I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU TO STOP BEING SUCH A DAMN BABY AND GO FIND SOMEONE TO BE HAPPY WITH!" Someone to be happy with? She wasn't talking about-oh she was.
"Oh so that's your ulterior motive isn't it? You want me to find a mate!" She looked exasperated and stared at me like I was an idiot.
"YES! FINALLY! Now do you understand as to why I wanted to talk to you in the first place?"She was still furious but it was starting to die down. But a new question arose: Why did she want me to find one when she didn't even have one herself?
"Why?"I questioned starting to feel angry as to why she wants to ruin my life with a silly thing as love.
"Because. Because, you can't live like this anymore. I can live without a mate Alec because I have accepted the fact that I may never find a mate, but you...you can't. Something sparked in you all those years ago with Edward Cullen and his wife that I instantly saw. I saw desire.
You could have possibly lived the way you do now if you hadn't seen them, but you can't. I realized it the second you saw him protect her. I know you don't realize it now but Alec please, give into your emotions. It can really do you some good, and you can be happier." With that final speech she left. As much as I hated Jane for ruining my moment, I couldn't hate her for what she said.
It made me ponder things that I haven't in a long while. Did I really feel unhappy? Did I really want to live with emotions? Did I really want to feel love? Some unconscious decision in happened. Yes, I was unhappy. Yes, I wanted to live with emotions. Yes, I did want to feel love. For the first time I actually acknowledged that I did desire what the mates had. I didn't only want to love someone, but I wanted someone to love me. I wanted someone to stay with forever, someone to be able to hold and tell them that I love them.
Desire quickly spread through as if it was what went through my lifeless veins instead of blood. I wanted it, and I wanted it badly. It nearly went to the point where it overpowered my bloodllust. I didn't have one ounce of patience in me as I ran towards my chamber in the castle.
After packing everything that could fit into a duffel bag, I took out an ink pen and a sheet of paper.
I will be away for a while, if you wish for an explanation ask Aro or Jane. Please do not disturb my room while I'm away (that means you Demitri and Felix).
~Alec
Running to ask permission to leave from Aro, I placed the note on my door. Soon I made it to his chamber and knocked on his door. He let me in with a curious expression on his face. "What is it Alec?" he asked grabbing my hand. Realization soon struck him as soon as our hands made contact.
"Are you sure you wish to do this Alec?" Nodding my head was the only reply I gave. Aro sighed and knew that this was a tough decision.
"Very well. You may leave but if in 5 years you don't find her, you come back here, and whenever there is a problem that needs your assistance you are required to come back straight away."
"Yes master." With that statement, I grabbed my duffel bag and headed out in the cool night air. I didn't fail to notice Jane's all knowing smirk once I reached the gate.
"Where you off to?" she inquired. That was something I failed to plan ahead but knew my instincts would pick up on.
"Don't know."
"Why?" was a question that seemed to be used more than enough tonight.
"Because you were right," I spoke as I exited the gates. This was what I wanted to do, and I was going to do this. I was doing this for love.